Kaiju War Chronicles (K.W.C.)
Match 141:
By: Christian Salabert

"Just relax, will ya, Doc?" The young man kicked back in his chair, resting his hands on the back of his head as the vessel sped through the waves of the Caribbean Sea, a few miles from the Islands. "Smell that fresh sea air!"

"No, I will not 'just relax!'" the whiny voice of Dr. Mendel Craven protested. "Every time you tell me to relax I end up getting chased by something trying to turn me into an all-you-can-eat Craven buffet!"

Randy Hernandez looked at his companion for a moment, then rolled his eyes. "Whatever, pal. Enjoy your stress."

Craven shook his head at the young man as he fiddled with N.I.G.E.L., running a systems check to make sure the machine was operating at optimum capacity. Suddenly, the robot raised its arm, crying out in a gruff, pirate-like voice. "WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA?" Craven eyes were like daggers to Randy as his creation sang on.

Randy couldn't help but chuckle. "What?"


"Oh, forget it," Craven sighed as he continued to work on N.I.G.E.L. "I guess this mission just has me on edge. I still can't believe Nick sent us to check out a lead on a possible new mutation and didn't even send Zilla with us."

"You know Boss Man said this was probably just a wild goose chase," Randy reminded him. "If he didn't think it was worth waking the Z-Man up for, this is probably gonna be one boring trip."

"'Probably.'" Craven sighed again.

N.I.G.E.L. raised his head and looked at his creator, then began singing in the voice of a happy little girl. "Be optimistic / Don't you be a grumpy / When the road gets bumpy / Just smile / Smile and be happy!"

Craven looked at Randy, surprised and confused. "You programmed him with Shirley Temple?"

Randy's face looked slightly red. "I, uh..." He cleared his throat. "I don't remember that one."

Craven was about to retort, when suddenly the Heatseeker shook. The portly man's eyes widened. "...W-what was that?"

"I dunno," Randy said. "Maybe we hit some coral or something." He looked down at the sonar, and his eyes widened as well. "...Crap. Looks like an 'or something!'"

"What?!" Craven cried.

Before the conversation could continue any further, the source of the disturbance made its presence known. Large tentacles began to rise on either side of the ship before slowly beginning to curl down around it.

"GAH! SQUIDS!" Craven shrieked, his mind returning to the giant cephalopods that were nearly the end of him and Elsie in Jamaica.

"Relax, Doc!" Randy cried, leaping to the ship's controls. "Everything's under control!" In an instant, the Heatseeker shot off at full speed, narrowly avoiding getting ensnared by the tentacles.

"I hate squids!" Craven said, shuddering as the memories of his initial encounter with the giant sea creatures coursed through his mind.

"It can't be the squids," Randy mused. "Between Zilla and C-Rex, those things are toast."

Setting the ship on cruise control, the two stepped out of the control room and looked back at the tentacles, which were a good distance away now. As the tentacles got higher and higher out of the water, so did something else. A huge, bulbous form, far larger than any giant squid Craven encountered before. As the water fell away, revealing the rising form, two bulging eyes stared back at the retreating Heatseeker, its large head tilting backwards out of the waves. The massive creature let out a high-pitched shriek, irritated that its prey had escaped.

"Ge-gezora!" Craven cried out.

"Oh, geez," Randy groaned. "We got worked up over that stupid thing?"

"Excuse me?!" Craven glared at Randy in disbelief. "That 'stupid thing' almost dragged us under!"

Randy gave his older colleague an exasperated look. "Craven, trust me. If there's one thing I know, it's that Gezora is the slowest, most bumbling, most incompetent kaiju on the planet. Seriously. I'd honestly be more concerned if Minilla showed up."

Craven grumbled under his breath as he turned his head, looking behind the ship. "At least we're safe now. And I guess he is too slow to catch us from this far."

"Exactly," Randy reassured him, placing a hand on Mendel's shoulder. "There is no way on Earth that overgrown calamari is gonna get us from here."

Suddenly, another high-pitched screech pierced the air, catching the two scientists off-guard and causing them to clap their hands over their ears. This one did not come from Gezora, and was in fact much closer. The two of them ran to the edge of the ship and looked off the Heatseeker's prow. A large, bulky form raised itself out of the water.

"Hah!" Randy cried, pumping his fist into the air. "The Z-Man, right on---"

Unfortunately, the young man's statement was proven wrong, causing him to trail off mid-sentence. The rising form lifted its arms, two large claws held high in the air. Water rushed off the form's spiky red shell, revealing a massive, monstrous crustacean..

"EBIRAH!" Craven cried out, fully absorbed by his panic now.

"Well, uh, crap!" Randy wasn't too far behind him, though he at least retained enough of his faculties to get to the wheel and turn the ship in another direction. Ebirah made a grab for the craft, but the Heatseeker just narrowly avoided destruction, turning at the very last second. Just as Randy and Craven began to sigh in relief, they started to scream once again as they realized the ship was once more heading directly towards Gezora. "Geez Louise, gimme a break, will ya?!" Randy groaned as he spun the wheel once again, the Heatseeker just barely dodging getting ensnared by one of the cuttlefish's tentacles. Gezora raised his tentacles in anger, his prey once again having escaped him.

After a moment, Randy brought the Heatseeker to a halt. "What are you doing?!" Craven shrieked. "Get going! If Gezora doesn't catch us, Ebirah will! I don't wanna be seafood's seafood!"

Randy turned to look at Craven, a smirk on his face. "Don't worry, Doc. I've got an idea."

"I've got a baaad feeling about this," N.I.G.E.L. commented in his best Harrison Ford impression.

As the Heatseeker sat there, unmoving, both sea creatures advanced, ready to claim the ship as their own. Waves splashed about as Ebirah sped through them, making a beeline for the vessel. Gezora, meanwhile, waved his two main tentacles high in the air, wading through the water.

"Randy, for the love of Stephen Hawking, GO!" Craven pleaded.

"Wait for it..." Randy said, more to himself than to his team mate.

It all happened in almost an instant. Ebirah pulled himself up out of the water and raised his right arm, bringing his claw down towards the ship. At the same time, Gezora lashed out with his left tentacle, swinging it towards the craft, ready to bash a hole through its side. It's then that Randy sent the Heatseeker into overdrive, sending Craven and N.I.G.E.L. crashing into the nearest wall as the ship blasted out of the way, causing the two monsters to accidentally strike one another. As if they hadn't even noticed one another yet, the two beasts reeled back in surprise and anger, startled by the sudden appearance of the other and blaming each other for the loss of their meal. Screeching angrily, Ebirah lunged, only for Gezora to wrap his tentacles around the lobster's claws, holding them shut.

Rubbing his head, Craven looked up and realized that the two creatures were now fighting each other. He turned and looked to Randy in shock. "You did that on purpose?"

Randy shrugged, grinning. "What can I say? It just came to me."

Craven huffed, crossing his arms. "You've been hanging around Monique too much."

Ebirah shook his arms about vigorously, trying to dislodge Gezora's tentacles, but the colossal cuttlefish refused to let go. Unable to pull himself free, Ebirah moved closer and began slamming his closed pincers against Gezora's massive head. His two main limbs already being used to hold Ebirah's claws shut, Gezora was unable to do anything but get clobbered over and over again. Finally, the blows became too much for the cephalopod and he released Ebirah's arms, falling back. His arms now free, Ebirah cried out and waved them about in pain, feeling the icy sting of Gezora's freezing grip on his claws. With his foe distracted, Gezora attacked again, bashing Ebirah's face with his right tentacle, sending the crustacean staggering back.

The armored creature momentarily stunned, Gezora moved in, ensnaring Ebirah's legs with his smaller tentacles. The crustacean shrieked as he felt Gezora's limbs wrap around his legs and start to tug, his armored joints already starting to pop. With a loud, sickening crunch, one of Ebirah's legs was torn from his torso, and the massive shrimp screeched in pain. Before another of his limbs could be torn asunder, Ebirah lashed out with his large claw, clamping it shut and chopping off Gezora's left tentacle. Letting out with a ringing scream, Gezora pulled away, blue blood spurting from his tentacle's stump. Turning around, Ebirah slapped Gezora with his tail, knocking the cuttlefish off his 'feet' and sending him toppling over into the water. When his foe failed to emerge from the waves, Ebirah assumed he had won and turned around, ready to track down his earlier prey. Unfortunately, Ebirah had not won. He realized this as he felt Gezora's ice cold tentacles wrapping around his tail and pulling him down underneath the surface.

"Huh." Randy crossed his arms as he watched the two sea monsters sink beneath the waves. "I can't tell who's winning. Can you?"

Craven glared at him. "Who cares?!"

Under the water, Gezora pulled his crustaceous opponent towards him, ready to attack again. Ebirah tried to dislodge himself and swim away, but Gezora's grip was tight and his attempts were futile. Unable to free himself, Ebirah reached out with his claw and snatched a large rock off the ocean floor. As soon as he was within range, he turned around and swung his arm forward, slamming the boulder into Gezora's face, directly between the eyes. Dazed, the multi-armed creature released his grip on the mammoth lobster. Ebirah tried to attack with the rock once again, but this time Gezora wrapped a tentacle around the offending arm and tugged down, slamming Ebirah head-first into the rocky bottom. The sudden blow stunned the Sea Monster, causing him to drop the rock and float motionless for a moment. Leaving Ebirah behind, Gezora rose to the surface, screeching as he approached the Heatseeker once again.


"Relax, Doc." Randy casually strolled over to the wheel as Gezora slowly made his way towards the ship. Turning the ignition key, Randy's smug look quickly disappeared from his face. "...Crap."

Craven nearly snapped his neck when he turned to stare at his teammate. "'Crap?' What 'crap?' No 'crap,' Randy!"

Gezora got closer and closer to the ship, his tentacles outstretching.

"My earlier trick must've overheated the engine. It won't start!" Randy tried starting the Heatseeker over and over.

"Ah canna do it, Capt'in!" N.I.G.E.L. cried in a thick Scottish accent. "Ah don't have the powah!"

Gezora swung his right tentacle towards the Heatseeker, just narrowly avoiding the ship.

Craven dove into the nearest corner. "I don't wanna die!"

Randy gulped as he watched Gezora close in on them. "Uhh... The... the Z-Man? Right on time?" he tried.

The young man's prayers were answered, but not in the way he had hoped. Just as Gezora was about to ensnare the Heatseeker with his icy tentacle, Ebirah's claw sliced through his massive head and burst out his left eye. Shrieking wildly, Gezora backed away from the ship, his tentacles flailing about in agony. Withdrawing his pincer, Ebirah screeched in celebration as his maimed foe fell back, spilling blood from his wounds. Clapping his claws in victory, Ebirah watched as Gezora sank beneath the waves, staining the water with his blood.

"Whew," Randy sighed, wiping his brow. "That was close."

Ebirah turned back to face the Heatseeker and began to advance.

"Oh, right."

As the mighty crustacean reached the ship and lifted up out of the water, Randy frantically searched a supply box as Craven panicked. Finding what he was looking for, Randy ran to the edge of the ship and raised the flare gun into the air, firing it at Ebirah's eye stalks. The ball of fire burned at Ebirah's eyes, causing the titanic shrimp to reel back, waving his claws in the air.

"Now what?!" Craven cried. "That won't hold him for long!"

"Uhh..." Randy's mind raced as he tried to come up with another plan.

"Ohh, forget it!" Craven grabbed his remote control unit and began inputing a series of orders. "Forgive me, N.I.G.E.L.!"

A moment later, N.I.G.E.L. rolled off the side of the Heatseeker and plunked down into the ocean waves, reconfiguring itself into aquatic mode. He made a beeline for Ebirah and started to swim around him.

"Why, you! Your mother was a seafood platter and your father was a bowl of drawn butter!" The robot did its best to shake its equivalent of a fist at the sea monster as it circled him.

The light and heat from the flare having dispersed, Ebirah quickly caught sight of the circling yellow machine and reached down, snatching him up in his large claw.

"Release the Kraken!" N.I.G.E.L. declared, moments before being crushed by Ebirah's vice-like grip. "AAAUUUUGGGHHH!!"

"Well, that didn't last long," Randy grumbled.

Ebirah immediately turned his attention back to the Heatseeker and was looming over it within seconds, raising his right arm as he prepared to smash it to bits.

"So long, cruel world!" Craven cried as he fell to his knees in dispair. "Goodbye, Randy! I've always sort of liked you!"

Randy shot Craven a look just seconds before Ebirah's claw punctured the boat, destroying it in one powerful blow.

...Or at least, it would have. As Ebirah went to swing his arm down, he found it pulled backwards and away from the Heatseeker by a grey, icy tentacle. Randy and Craven watched as more and more tentacles ensnared Ebirah from behind as Gezora rose up behind him, pulling himself up onto Ebirah's back. Though Ebirah had skewered his head, he had miraculously avoided any major organs, blinding Gezora on the left side but accomplishing little else. His arms unable to reach his foe, Ebirah flailed his claws about futilely, helpless to reach Gezora as the cuttlefish wrapped his tentacles around Ebirah's torso. Again and again Ebirah tried to dislodge his attacker, only for a loud, sickening crack to fill the air. Ebirah cried out in agony as Gezora's beak pierced his shell and began to feast on the soft flesh underneath. The crustacean's struggles gradually became weaker and weaker until Ebirah and Gezora eventually sank beneath the waves. The last the two teammates saw of them, they watched as a satsified look crept over Gezora's remaining eye.

After a moment of holding their breath, Randy and Craven collapsed onto the deck, exhaling loudly. After a moment, Randy turned to face his friend. "Well, that was fun."

Craven whimpered as he held his face in his hands.

"...I wanna go home."