Ugh. I have
not been looking forward to this one. If there was one G-film whose name was synonymous with disappointment, with a boring story and annoying characters and a really lame, really dumb main villain the thought or which made me long for good, quality cinema like Attack of the Clones and Waterworld, that movie would absolutely be...
...Well, 'Godzilla's Revenge,' probably.
But if there were a contest for a REALLY close runner-up, that would be Godzilla vs. Megaguirus.
Still, I tried to fight my pre-existing bias. Remembering scenes like the opening attack, and Kiriko's ride on Godzilla, I considered that since I hadn't seen this one in a long time, perhaps the film wasn't as bad as I remembered.
What I didn't expect was for it to be WORSE- badly-paced, slow, plodding, and silly.
The story, while generally straightforward, is just slow, and obvious. The characters lack depth; Kiriko is angry and Kudo is a goofball genius with a crush (if I had a nickel for every one of THOSE in a Godzilla series...). Kenny- I mean Jun- is a little moron, and all the rest, save the female professor (whose name I didn't catch) that develops the Dimension Tide, are little more than cardboard cutouts. Cardboard cutouts of idiots that thing it's a good idea to build black holes and fire them at the Earth; why does no one bring up the fact that this potential weapon is potentially Earth-destroying, while Godzilla is a theoretically-nonexistent threat (and would've been, if not for the secret Plasma Lab)? The cure is quite literally worse than the disease!
As for Godzilla, he... just doesn't want Japan to have any energy at all, for some inexplicable reason- picking up on the plot thread from Godzilla Millennium, even though the two aren't continuity-related. Maybe it was meant to be an ongoing theme? Regardless, he spends WAY too much of the final fight repeatedly falling down. It's the worst. I actually yelled at the screen "No, don't fall over again!" in frustration the third time or so. Possibly his only really great moment in the film is frying the Meganula off his dorsal spines.
But the real loser here is Megaguirus. What a letdown. Sure, the design is somewhat decent- but her power-set is inconsistent (particularly her movement and agility in any given shot), and in the end, it only takes 2 atomic breaths to destroy her completely; the whole battle is about being able to just hit her. This turns the film into, essentially, Godzilla vs. Mosquitoman; an irritating little buzzing thing that can be easily smashed, and just needs to be caught. (At least it was not nearly as much of a string-fest as I remembered!)
And then there's the weird vibe here; between the black-goo killings and the rotted eye, this is one of the more disgusting G-films (okay, it's no Vs. Hedorah, but still...), and between the personal, liquid-spattering killings and the swarm of insect-enemies all over Godzilla, it kinda feels like someone was trying to rip off Gamera 2: Advent of Legion, only ineptly.
The special effects are the epitome of uneven; some of the worst cheapo 'manipulate a flat 2D image to fly around the screen like it was 3D except it never actually changes perspective so it just looks like a cardboard cutout' alongside a few surprisingly-decent effects. Bluescreening continues to be a problem; while it puts the Kaiju in real locations more effectively than ever before, they can never seem to match the grain or brightness of the setting; Kiriko looks faded on Godzilla's back, Godzilla looks faded as he marches toward the Secret Plasma Lab, Megaguirus looks faded every time she flies toward the camera with the city behind her. The Meganulon effects are pretty good, and although the CGI water looks a bit fake, the flooded-city effects are pretty effective uses of inter-cutting, especially the establishing shot of the boat that pans up to the city. And Kiriko's liftoff at the end does a great job matching the angle of the model with the matted-in cockpit; kudos. Still, these are generally the exceptions.
But can we talk about the miniatures? Because I knew we were in trouble with those ABSURD miniature trash cans at the start; I groaned 'No, movie- just... no,' aloud at that part, and when we got to the flooded city... ugh, these are some of the worst, undetailed, look-like-toys miniatures we've ever had in a G-film.
Even the Godzilla-swimming shtick that I loved from Millennium is no longer cool; the CG looks faker, and it's overused. (I like it conceptually, at least).
At least the uninspired score (oh, stringed instruments for insects, how original!
) did give us the familiar Millennium-version Godzilla theme, which- though not a patch on the original- was a good take on it... and hey, they threw in the original, too. That was nice.
If anything, though, it is the film-making that lets this one down the most. (Okay, the script would've been slow regardless, but judicious editing would've helped). Some of the directorial choices are just bizarre. Megaguirus' 10-FPS vision is an awful idea (I can think of no vision mechanism that would allow an organism to see color, detail, distance, and sharpness with absolute no problem, just... not in real time? That's not really how eyesight works...) that makes the models and miniatures look 1,000 times more fake (and like their real size). Some of the camera moves and editing- particularly the way-too-long slow-mo of the stinger hitting Godzilla's face and freezing there, followed by a jump cut to almost the same angle to pan around to Godzilla's mouth? As an editor, that was making me cringe. And let's not even get into some of the unfortunate battle choices...
...Actually, let's. The repeated stinger-to-the-almost-crotch attacks? Who thought those were a good idea? They just look dirty. And Godzilla shaking his head at hyperspeed? WTF? Ponderous motion to give the illusion of scale, remember that? And what in the world were they THINKING with Godzilla's super-leap? Beside the fact that the takeoff looked exactly like Orga's (and any shot that focuses on this suit's feet does it no favors), the Godzilla-falling-through-the-air shot was so painful, I'm pretty sure that Godzilla vs. Megalon wouldn't have accepted it. It was very Showa in the worst connotation of the concept; all the silliness with none of the fun that made it acceptable. This was something they were trying to pull of with a straight face. Just... ugh.
And lastly, we have the film's lapses in logic. The idea of building a testing a black hole gun anywhere near planet Earth is the largest- I assume they were trying to keep the test of Dimension Tide secret (lucky for Jun they didn't have him killed, assuming this was the case) to prevent the rest of the planet from launching a war of genocide against this universe's Japan for its arrogance, hubris, and playing with forces that could kill everyone on the planet instantaneously, before it could again endanger the entire human race with its irresponsible and monstrous experiments? That's a lot to trust a kid with. (I mean, seriously- any nation on Earth begins developing potentially world-destroying technology, weaponizes it, and starts playing around with test-firings? I'm pretty sure that 'better safe than sorry' would compel an immediate race to see whose nukes could reach that country first. To say nothing of the inherent, terrifying threat of having a satellite-based black hole gun that can rain down destruction ANYWHERE ON THE EARTH at 1-hour intervals??? This film makes Japan into the most horrifying superpower that's ever existed in all of history- but it's okay, because their naive 'intentions are good.')
It's doubly ironic when Godzilla 1984's- and in fact much of the Cold War's- huge threat was the illegal, treaty-banned hanging threat of a nuclear-missile satellite hanging like a Sword of Damocles over the planet. Well, congrats, G-graspers... you just exceeded that terrifying destructive potential by about 1000%, apparently without any oversight or security, so it could be both fired on a whim by anyone there, and taken over by an invading force with relative ease. You are essentially the vilest, most incompetent and deadly supervillains in the entire daikaiju genre. And for a film series that started by looking at the consequences of irresponsible use of a terrible new weapon... wow, has the apple fallen far from the tree.
But let's not forget, this is also a film universe where said weapon is tested within about 5 minutes apparent job from the suburbs- and in an area that impossible contain, as if just by closing roads in an area surrounded by woods, that keeps anyone from reaching the site on foot. (This is literally the second worst idea, next to building DT in the first place, that this movie contains; what idiots would ever test a top-secret doomsday weapon this way???)
A film universe where a group of kids learn that, instead of magic, a man has invented a portable bowl-shaped microwave and an army of micro-robots that can work at super-speed and are DISAPPOINTED BY THIS DEVELOPMENT. (This movie is written by someone that has never met an actual child in his life, apparently.)
A film universe wherein a falling, melting satellite wreathed in flames without any stabilizing equipment can maintain its target lock and function with full efficiency right up until the very second it shatters from the strain. (This movie was written by someone who has never held- or dropped- actual electronics in his life, either.)
A film universe in which they REPEATEDLY have knowledge of the behaviors of creatures that have been extinct for millions of years ("They're very aggressive and territorial," etc.- HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS??? I get that Jurassic Park kinda pulled the same shtick, a little... but that was based on biology, and behavior patterns were just theories that got confirmed or proven incorrect throughout the film! Here, this guy is just talking as if scientists have been observing them in captivity the whole time.)
A film universe in which 'electing a queen bee' apparently means 'triggering the extinction of your entire species except for one, who makes no attempt to reproduce.' This seems like a BAD plan, biologically-speaking.
I dunno- I suspect this review might be badly received, because I am seeing a lot of people, bizarrely, describing this film as 'fun'- whereas I would call it 'anti-fun.' Or 'dull, plodding, boring, stupid, and did I mention dull?' I only have one explanation for the incongruity; the world from which I am posting is actually on the other side of an unstable wormhole, created when Dimension Tide was fired at GXM from my universe- sucking all the fun and quality and even basic watch-ability out, and somehow depositing it into the film version from your universe.
...And then, this boring film* ends with a fake victory that is hinted at being undone before the credits even roll and definitely undone immediately after they finish... and it ends by, bizarrely, repeating the EXACT same 'punch on the arm, oh I forgot you were injured' gag that they did 1 MINUTE PREVIOUSLY in the control room celebration scene! What the even heck, movie???
In the end, when I was watching the heroine soldier who felt guilt over getting people killed in flashback stand and survey the aftermath at golden hour with her hair down for the first time and blowing in the wind, I couldn't help thinking how similar Godzilla Against Mechagodzilla felt (up to and including action scenes midway through in a Griffon-like vehicle)... as if someone looked at this movie and said 'there are some good ideas here, if only we could execute them right, and incorporate them into a non-sucky movie; let's try again.' That seems as good a summation as any for this boring, silly movie**; but then, what more could one expect from a film that names its major anti-Godzilla force the 'G-graspers?'***
*Hands-down worst of the Millennium series; nothing else comes close. Seriously, guys- I don't hate Final Wars like many here seem to (we'll get there in a few weeks...), but even if I did, I would still take all the worst moments over this terrible, terrible film. At least it was never DULL.
**Considering that I seldom watch vs. Destroyah for fun- it's a decent movie, but definitely not 'fun'- and that's the other film in this 2-disc blu-ray set, this easily wins the 'hands-down least frequently leaves the shelf' award for my G-collection.
***A mission which is technically accomplished the moment that Kiriko grabs hold and climbs aboard him. Also, she's not having any children in her future. (Kinda surprised they didn't deal with the whole 'wow, you were exposed to such much radiation, you are going to die' thing.)
