For many years, I have counted Godzilla is in Purgatory as the worst "Godzilla" book I have ever read, bar none. While other Godzilla-related books such as Godzilla Attacks a Truck or Godzilla Meets Master Charge have been execrable in their own unique ways, nothing has come close to the sheer unmitigated awfulness of Godzilla is in Purgatory. Recently I was greatly repulsed by Debbie Does Monsterland, and so that book wins over Purgatory in that way, but nothing has topped Purgatory for unadulterated incompetence. Until now, perhaps, with the dauntingly dumb and cynical Godzilla: 5 Shocking Facts About Godzilla by Chris Cox.
Where to start? Well, you might be asking, what are the "5 shocking facts" and what makes them so shocking? After reading this ten-page "book," I still don't really know what "shocking facts" Mr. Cox was referring to. There are five "chapters"—let's call them "crapters", and it is rather shocking how few facts Cox manages to stuff into each one. The first crapter is "Godzilla," and functions as a sort of introduction wherein Cox basically writes all the content of the book in a slightly shorter version. Then we have "Godzilla Action Figures" in which Cox doesn't bother to name a single solitary action figure; "Godzilla Games" wherein Cox does not provide the title of even one video game, Godzilla or otherwise; "Godzilla Movies," in which Cox shifts tactics and actually mentions two or three Godzilla films without explaining anything about them (1962's King Kong vs. Godzilla is apparently "very action-packed" at least), and "Godzilla Toys," which is a retread of "Godzilla Action Figures" and still manages not to name one Godzilla toy, game, or company.
The "shocking facts" which are included in this startlingly incompetent waste of data space on the Internet include such turds of wisdom such as how Godzilla toys exist, they can be bought in toy stores, and indeed can even be bought online. Godzilla video games had multiple levels and became more complicated with time, and apparently "In the early days before home gaming consoles people put their quarters into the arcade games to defeat Godzilla"—the hey is this guy writing about? You know what, I want to just share a few of the earth-shattering "factual" quotations that can be found in this textual travesty, presented with my helpful comments:
"Godzilla is well known for the various types of action in his movies." Various types of action? I am still waiting for my buddy-cop action and romantic comedy action Godzilla movies.
"Many believe the face and the roar of Godzilla are very common of an ape. In fact it is believed that the concept for King Kong was derived from these early images of Godzilla." Presumably someone sent images of Godzilla back in time to Willis O'Brien as he was working on King Kong in 1933, which then inspired Eiji Tsuburaya to create Godzilla, and then someone sent the images back in time and… It really becomes a bit of a paradox, doesn't it?
"Almost all Godzilla video games come with the instructions so you can learn how to manipulate the events taking place on the game." Who writes like this? I don't want to manipulate the events in the game, I want to control Godzilla and smash some buildings! Then again, I would totally read a Godzilla Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book.
About the Godzilla series: "Some have been better done and better received by audiences than others." The insight of this sentence is so intense Cox's eyes must have been turned around backwards in his skull as he wrote this section.
"There are individual Godzilla toys out there that are just of this famous monster." Instead of individual toys which are simultaneously of Godzilla and also something else? Like a Godzilla toy that transforms into the Oxygen Destroyer or something?
And, the last line of the book: "Sometimes it is funny to reflect back on such toys we had as a child and realize they are now worth so much money." If only this book might be worth a lot of money someday, like every other Godzilla book that goes out of print in America. Then again, I would just settle for this book going out of print.
The entire "book" appears to have been scanned into a computer from a printed document, because on every page there are dozens of bizarre letter substitutions such as how, whenever the word "Godzilla" is written in this book, the "d" appears to be in a different font and the two "ls" appear to be capital Is. In other words, apparently Cox typed this drivel up, printed it out, lost the original document file, and just scanned the physical copies instead of going to the trouble of retyping the thing. Or maybe he just stole his little brother's ten-page school essay and scanned it to sell online. Either way, the complete lack of care is truly insulting.
Really, Cox's ten-page slog of hot air reeks of empty opportunism of the stupidest sort, including the garish but ultimately meaningless title and the fact it was released in 2014 to capitalize on the Hollywood film. Cox includes a vapid puff quotation on the cover from some thankless friend who Cox forced to read his manuscript (or perhaps Cox was merciful and just made up a name and quotation to stick on the cover), and further includes a Best Seller Amazon.com sticker in one corner, which must be some severe sort of false advertising.
Cox's attempt at entering the Godzilla book market bests Godzilla is in Purgatory for sheer ineptitude and bare-faced laziness and casual cynicism. At least with Purgatory, the author was sincere, even if the resulting book was a migraine in the making. 5 Shocking Facts is just empty, nigh-contentless, grammatically and textually insulting, and hilariously dumb. It may actually be true that there are only five facts in this entire book—and that maybe four or five of those facts aren't even true. |
