Author: Connor Clennell | Banner: Connor Clennell

It seemed like today that all you could see was violence in movies and sex on television. What happened to those good ol’ fashioned values, upon which the world used to rely?

At the heart of Tokyo’s largest metropolis brewed the beginning of the greatest conflict seen in this century. The events which had led up to this had occurred in plain sight, hidden under the world’s noses for decades, using the veil of consumerism to grow and expand until it was too late and the whole population was trapped within its clutches. None could muster the strength to fight back, slaves to the entity’s vile, yet addictive powers, poisoning the collective mind of the public generation by generation. By means of commercialism, internet trends and targeted marketing, its spirit and image was engraved into each and every brain.

Only history’s greatest monsters could stand a chance against this all-consuming enemy and liberate the world. It didn’t matter where their personal allegiances lay, not when the foe they faced held no discrimination towards whoever stood in its path to total domination. Monsters good and bad were forced to settle their debts for the moment and unite if they wanted to vanquish this menace, and through their combined strength, intelligence and ferocity, they stood a real chance at victory.

But fate had not been so kind.

Across ruined street blocks and crushed highways, the immobile figures of titans lay sprawled in defeat. Against what seemed like sure odds of victory, not even their power was enough to match that of the evil which infested these lands, falling to their influence one by one, until even the fabled King of the Monsters, too, had to submit to the menace, slipping under their control in the same manner that mankind had. Like them, these once-feared monsters would obey the orders of their new lord and master.

All would listen to the word of McDonald’s.

Slumped uselessly against the charred concrete wall of the Tokyo Metropolitan Government Building, the dethroned king of monsters wallowed in misery. Humbled in defeat, Godzilla’s only escape from his humiliation was the delicious taste of the Big Mac® burger. Consisting of two 100% beef patties sourced from free-range livestock, sandwiched between three golden-brown seed buns and layered with lettuce, sliced cheddar cheese, onion and pickles, drizzled with the legendary Big Mac® sauce, this mouthwatering concoction of ingredients was the solace that Godzilla craved endlessly for.

He took a bite from the burger, his eyes closing in pleasure as the textures and flavours invaded his taste buds, and for this moment, the suffering inflicted upon him and his allies was forgotten, lost in the ecstasy that this scrumptious meal provided. Before he knew it, the burger was gone, but his hunger had not been satiated. He tossed aside the empty paper wrapping, which floated down to join the growing pile at the atomic dinosaur’s side, while he reached out to grab another Big Mac® as it was deposited next to him, fueling his newfound addiction to the fattening product. Deep in his mind, Godzilla knew that he should not allow himself to fall prey to the influence that the creator of this fast food had over him, but the controlling power that the McDonald’s menu burger had was simply too great, causing him to fall deeper into sloth and gluttony with eath lip-smacking bite.

It was not only this version of the king of monsters that had fallen victim to this infectious gluttony. Sprawled uselessly around the crumpled, grease-soaked containers of Double Quarter Pounders™ with Cheese, Godzilla Ultima struggled to lift his obnoxiously thicc – and we are talking THICC here – thighs off the ground. The reality-warping abomination let out a muffled groan somewhere between displeasure and contentment as he chewed down the latest meal. His wobbling calves visibly expanded as the burger was swallowed down, but Ultima either did not know or did not care, ignorant to the increasing strain of his plight as he scooped another Bacon Double Cheeseburger from its box with his teeth, while his tiny arms wiggled pathetically in an attempt to prove purpose for their existence.

Next to the extradimensional monster, the Godzilla of the Showa era, the icon of the age of heroes, lay face-down on the asphalt. Unlike the others suffering from the corporation’s curse of consumerism, he was just straight up dead. Pie crumbs and melted chocolate coated the edges of his reptilian lips, betraying McDonald’s wide selection of freshly-cooked desserts as the cause of the justice bringer’s demise. Yeah, I bet you didn’t think the diabetes weakness would come up in a match, did you?

Kaiju from across the ages all joined the kings in their den of gluttony, devouring ton after ton of greasy, mass-produced food as if their life depended on it, which it did not. The Mothras wept as  their fairies shovelled vegan burgers and wraps into their mandibles, cringing not only at the taste and texture, but at the fact that they can consider this acceptable to give to vegans. I wouldn’t give this crap to a pig, let alone a human.

And of course, all the Heisei kaiju were there, because we’ve got to have the thunder thighs joke in here. Who here remembers that and how funny it was, right? Right? Body shaming is the source of peak comedy according to every twelve year old in existence.

Look, I’m not going to waste time describing everyone who’s here and what they’re doing and what they’re parodying, we’d be here forever and it’s already getting stale. We’ve got rivalries to establish, love triangles to set up, drama out the wazoo, loads and loads of quality content that I can’t waste time on writing out this fluff. We’ve established the main story beat here. McDonald’s is the bad guy, everyone you love is fat and shameful, let’s just get to the good part.

There, standing at the fringes of this calorie catastrophe, four characters stood united against the presented evil. Consisting of varying shapes, personas and beliefs, this mish-mash of individuals seemed, on paper,  like the worst team-up in history. Not Justice League of Antarctica bad (it’s a real team, look it up), but it’s down there. Instead, their differences formed the glue that made their alliance strong and easily marketable. Also, their dad said they had to work together and none of them wanted to say “No”, so here we are.

Standing at 80 meters tall, clad in neon purple and green armour which sparkled in the midday sun, this colossus forged of angelical flesh and human engineering was designed as the vanguard against the forces which sought to end the age of man. Controlling the monolith was the most unqualified person in history, a kid with so many issues that it would make a physiatrist rich for life. Out of all the people in the world, they went with the guy who thinks it’s socially acceptable to eat yogurt at the bedside of his comatose friend and not have the decency to wash their hands afterwards. The gall! And yet he manages to hook up with a purple-haired baddie without having to do anything?! It should have been me, not him! It’s not fair! But alas, here Shinji Ikari was, once again piloting the Shin Evangelion Unit 01 into battle against a foe he was unprepared for. Another notch added to his lifetime of depression.

Next to the mechanical giant stood another warrior, similar in many ways and yet so different in others. The silver giant waited patiently for the moment to attack, analysing the landscape with bulbous, glowing eyes to gather information about their foe that may be used against them. It might be a good idea to give him some of that evidence to orally test, if only to get some pounds into this guy. Holy hell, when was the last time that he ate something that wasn’t blended into a fine paste, he’s almost skin and bones. He looks like a stiff breeze would knock him over, let alone a trillion degree fireball. Get this guy some protein on the double, because Shin Ultraman will need all the muscle he can spare if he wishes to topple the tyrant present here and now.

Below the two monoliths sat the third member of the group, perched atop his parked motorcycle as he, too, awaited the call to arms. Black leather snugly adorned his form, layered with emerald green armour plates which paired with the character’s insectoid mask to complete his grasshopper aesthetic. Posed with his crimson scarf blowing in the wind, he was like an ant in comparison to his titanic allies. What the heck is bro doing here, he thinks he’s part of the team? Does anyone even care that he’s here, let alone watch his movie? Yes, thank you, KaijuX, I can see you at the back. Please put away the chest tattoo, nobody wants to see that. I guess only time will tell if Shin Kamen Rider will rise to the challenge before him, or prove himself as the Hawkeye of the team.

And of course, last but certainly not least, the one you’ve all been waiting for. Finally here, he’s here for you, the first member of the Anno crew. A towering figure like an icon of humanity’s sin or some stuff like that, crafted of crimson and black scarred flesh. There wasn’t a single thought behind those beady eyes as he just stood there, menacingly, reflecting on the impact he’d had on the fandom since his debut in 2016. If the cancerous freak could, they would weep at the amount of unoriginally spawned in his wake, as rapid fanboys jumped at the chance to out-edge him with their “unique takes” on the character. Shin Godzilla was the best and worst thing to happen to the franchise, and today, he and his allies would need to save their fallen fandom once again, in the name of Our Lord Hideki Anno.

The three heroes and Shin Godzilla stood as one unit, awaiting the arrival of the mastermind who had orchestrated this parade of gluttony. Their faith in the creator kept their minds shielded from whatever force had bent the Monster Kings and their ilk to the enemy’s bidding, but there was no guarantee, however, that it would last. All four had known the touch of the evil one inside their minds, used to push for the sales of their glorified junk without room for objection, then cast aside to chase after the newest trend. Today was the chance for all four to take their revenge, and deliver some form of justice to the world in this time of uncertainty.

Godzilla, Unit 01, Ultraman and Kamen Rider all tensed for battle, as the chosen warrior of McDonald’s finally revealed themself to the defiant quartet. Hovering above the chicken and cardboard flooded streets via soda cup-themed jet boosters, the garish machine softly descended. Its form was an insulting parody, most closely resembling the shape of a Gundam with the bright red and yellow colours of Jet Jaguar, sporting a gaping smile that lacked any of the latter’s charm or warmth. It was what it is – an advertising tool, constructing for one purpose and nothing more. It sold product, and sold it had, creating the largest profit that McDonald’s will ever see. Sadly for them, fictional money has no value, so even when they win, they still lose, which was a win for us.

But it also had a secondary objective: eliminate any and all competition in the market. And while the Shin Japan Heroes were no stockholders in the fast food market, their defiance to the will of the company marked them as targets for termination at the hands of… Godzillaburger!

Yes, I know that was the name of the campaign, not the mecha, but there’s bugger all information on this thing and it’s all in Japanese, so if there is an official name for it, touch luck, it’s Godzillaburger for the sake of this match. “Oh, but that’s not what it’s called, you should do your research better.” How about you research my foot in your mouth and shut up.

The four heroes knew that this was the best time to strike. If they were to defeat such a powerful opponent, their first blow needed to also be their last. Shin Godzilla led the barrage as his crimson hue turned to a heretical purple, as everyone knows that a true Godzilla’s atomic breath should be blue. That’s why no one likes you, Zilla Junior, Godzilla 2000 and Godzilla Evolved. His lower mandible split to open his maw unnaturally wide and spew forth his concentrated heat ray. Wow, a signature move!

Shin Ultraman rose his arms, glowing with extraterrestrial energies before slamming them together in the shape of the Holy Cross, because of symbolism or some shit, unleashing a blast of Spacium particles from the vertical extremity. Wow, a signature move!

Pulling its Pallet Rifle from out of its ass (because where else was it keeping that thing), Unit 01 lined its sights with the enemy and hammed down the trigger, unloading a deafening barrage of rifle fire with all the skill of a twelve year old with too much time to spend on Call of Duty. Wow, a signature move!

Kamen Rider stood at the front of the group, posed dramatically with his scarf blowing in the wind. Bro thinks he’s helping, lol.

The corporate paladin was consumed by the volley of attacks, disappearing in a cloud of flame and smoke. Debris erupted into the sky as a tremendous explosion ripped out of the ground beneath it, undoubtedly taking a sizable chunk out of the special effects budget. The group ceased their assault, waiting for the smoke to clear to see the outcome of their efforts. Had it been enough? Was their enemy slain? You’ve seen the word count, you know it ain’t over.

As the dark clouds parted, the heroes’ hearts sank. Godzillaburger emerged from the smoke, its sickeningly bright armour barely singed by the quartet’s attacks. It made no sound, yet the silence seemed even more mocking than if it did. They could not hope to defeat it with traditional means, for it was far beyond such concepts. It was a corporate icon, a symbol of business and commercialism, something that benefited from the existence of war and violence. It held more marketable opportunities than each of the heroes.

The answer was obvious, then. If separately their potential was not enough, combination was the secret key to their victory. Godzilla reared his head to the heavens with an ungodly stock roar, giving the command. Unit 01, Ultraman and Kamen Rider pumped their fists and nodded in unison, accepting the call to action.

Steam hissed from unseen joints as Godzilla’s head, back, feet and tail separated from his body, the neck swinging down to his torso, while the once whipping appendage became rigid and split along the center, connecting between the shoulder like a set of banana-shaped bananas. Ultraman and Unit 01 split in half, dropping their lower sections and flipping open their backs to each reveal a gigantic fist that swung down to fill the now empty void. Their lower halves connected with the stumps of Godzilla’s legs, becoming extensions of the limbs that further increased the behemoth’s height.

Ultraman became the right arm of the colossus, with his own arms firing another Spacium beam into the cavity of Godzilla’s floating back, transmogrifying into a solid blade. Unit 01 took its own place as the left arm, extending its hands to generate an AT Field as a physical shield. Another barrier formed around Godzilla’s head, securing it to the torso as armour and decoration. Finally, using the Cyclone’s boosters to propel himself into the sky, Kamen Rider activated the final transformation, configuring the motorcycle into the head of the combination.

Through the powers of merchandising and poorly-executed collabs, four had become one. The birth of the ultimate warrior yadda yadda yadda hype-up text hype-up text, we’re just finding new ways to praise our favourites, but here he is in the K.W.C. at long last.

The Shin Universe Robo.

The mechanical paladin stared down its corporate opposite with the fury of four minds combined. I mean, technically, it should be five minds, but who really cares about Shinji, am I right? Anyway, the combined swung its glowing sword with dramatic flair, exuding coolness with every swing to ensure maximum marketability and increase toy sales, because merchandise has all that this collab has been used for instead of, I don’t know, something cool like a movie or a game. Products that we’d all want to see. But no, you get this t-shirt with the Shin Japan Heroes on it and you’ll buy ten and like it.

As the sun began to set for peak atmosphere, even though it was two in the afternoon, the giants of merchandising faced down at one another, their glares like daggers trying to cut into the soul of the other. Both had everything to lose, but even more to gain. Only one could walk away with the prize at the end of this.

Flexing its powerful hydraulic legs, the Shin Universe Robo – – –

“Really Big Kick!”

– – – was cut down without warning as a silver boot sliced through the robot’s midsection, bringing its existence, but not, unfortunately, the collab that produced it, to an underwhelming end. It split in two halves, which each exploded in typical tokusatsu style as they hit the ground. I hope you guys kept the receipt for the suit you made for the whole of one commercial.

“I’m Reallybigman! Fuck you!”

Godzillaburger would have blinked in surprise if it could have. Who the heck was this purple clown? It would have asked more questions, like where did they come from, why were they here, and who was going to stay late and clean out the ice cream machine twice. All of these and more would never be voiced or answered, for the last thing in the mascot’s vision was a set of massive reptilian jaw snapping shut from behind it, bringing McDonald’s latest vision to a swift, but satisfactory end.

Ripping out the robot’s head and neck, the owner of the jaws tossed them aside and pushed the lifeless body to the floor, crushing it beneath its weighty girth. Reallybigman recognised the fiend at once – it was the Giant Liopleurodon, the greatest of all of Godzilla’s foes in the infinityverse. But now he was even stronger than before, having amassed a great collection of power in preparation for his battle with history’s greatest hero. He had unlocked the Apex State and Critical Mass, and acquired the Matrix of Leadership and a Green Lantern Ring. And he had learned the Kamehameha. And become the owner of One for All. And he was the host of the Spirit of Vengeance, Venom and Carnage, while also wielding the mighty hammer, Mjolnir and the Infinity Gauntlet while wearing the Power-Up Armour. He was the epitome of greatness. Isn’t this great?

Reallybigman had no doubts about defeating this overpowered monstrosity, who could erase Bagan, Super Godzilla, Grand King Ghidorah, Armour Mothra, Glitter Tiga, Shining Ultimate Zero and Mazinger Zero from all possible timelines just by blinking. After all, he had taken down the terrible Guhfyfbgyrntbha, the most evil being in all of fiction, so what was a giant pliosaur in comparison. Nothing, that’s what. He’s Reallybigman, fuck you.

With their respective war cry, both compatents leapt towards one another, each launching forward the first strike in this battle of battles, this war between gods, the most awesome story that time will ever see-

“Okay, that’s enough.”

*****

“What? Why? I didn’t even get to the good parts yet!”

Around the table, the members of the Kaiju War Chronicles all turned towards the imposing figure at the foot of the table glaring daggers at the one that had spoken back. Anthony’s expression was one of silent disappointment, a reaction far worse than any violent outburst or scaving review.

“So far, all I’m seeing in this match so far is a collection of disorganised jokes without theme or purpose. You have buildup that goes nowhere, a twist that feels undeserved and unfitting, and comedy that only the childish and the ignorant would find amusing.”

“Hey, this shit is peak,” shouted FatBaconUnicorn in indignation.

“See how my point proves itself?”

“Hey, that’s his opinion to have,” boomed the voice of KaijuX, head writer of the K.W.C. “Everyone has the freedom to make their voice known.” 

“Except you, gottem,” Bacon retorted. KaijuX whined in dismay.

“Wow,” said GodzillavsJason.

MoarCrossovers, the author of the match being scrutinised, interjected. “I don’t see what the problem here is. These April Fools matches have always never taken themselves seriously. That’s their whole schtick. Whether or not we put effort into them shouldn’t matter as long as it entertains.”

“And that is fine,” Anthony responded. “So long as you aren’t repeating the same jokes over and over. I’m already seeing tons taken from past matches like Giant Condor vs. Everyone and Shin Godzilla vs. Star Godzilla.”

“Those matches don’t own the monopoly on that style of humour,” MysticHarley argued.

“And even so,” added on SoggyNoodles, “we have faith in Birdman as a writer that he will do a respectable job at using that style to form his own story. Inspiration is not a crime in itself.”

“I changed my name years ago, why are you still calling me Birdm- – -”?

“It really doesn’t matter if the match is good or not, it’s a joke!” GodzillavsRayquaza spoke up, adding their own thoughts on the matter. “And the audience will go in expecting exactly that. Humour and entertainment are the only requirements here.”

“Wait, what’s happening?” Nagoda asked. “I joined late, what are we talking about?”

“There are all very valid points,” admitted Anthony, linking his hands together across the table. “Counterpoint: you’re all dumb and I’m the boss, so what I say goes.”

“Damn, he’s right,” accepted KaijuX.”

“Wow,” said GodzillavsJason.

“Damb,” said GodzillavsRayquaza.

“Isn’t it weird how a lot of us have ‘Godzillavs’ in our name?” questioned GodzillavsZilla, in her only speaking role for the story.

The entire council was in uproar at the site owner’s decision and the unfairness behind it. How could he scrap a completed match just like that, without giving it a fair chance?

“Honestly, I have no idea how I let you talk me into doing an April Fools match this year. You already made a fool of me when you convinced me to drop the crossover restrictions and look where that got us. Dragon Ball and Fortnite and Naruto… I dread to think what you’re going to try and add next.”

Cautiously, SoggyNoodles reached over and pulled a cord, drawing the curtains over the next batch of combatants to spare them from the raging Anthony’s wrath until their public reveal in – whoops, almost spoiled that one. Good try, audience that doesn’t exist as I type out this part. Sorry, getting off-topic.

“Greyshot and Titano would have never allowed this to get as out of control as it has.”

“Actually, we were both all for this,” interjected the former from the retirement corner. This earned a furious scowl from Anthony that made the pair wither back into their respective cardboard shelter and dog bed like the whipped pets they were.

“You can’t just scrap all my hard work like that,” MoarCrossovers shouted, slamming his hands against the table as he stood up in rage. “You’re setting a dangerous example with that type of unbefitting behaviour.”

“Yeah!” agreed Bacon. “We only do that for the really ba- I mean, the matches that are in need of serious improvement so we don’t hurt the authors’ feelings. Yes, that’s totally it,” he said with sincerity.

“Nuh-uh!”

Gasps of shock filled the room at the sudden declaration. He’d pulled out the sacred ‘nuh-uh’! Now there was nothing that any of them could do or say that would change Anthony’s thoughts on the issue.

“And to punish you even further,” he further declared, “I’m going to redact my previous decision and remove all crossovers, distributed or overwise, from the roster. Forever!”

You could hear a pin drop in the silence that filled the chamber. For a moment, no one dared to make a move, processing the severity of the promise their leader had just made. The council all turned to look at one another – except Nagoda because he still didn’t have context for what was happening – looking to each other for any kind of answer to their predicament.

Finally, Bacon broke the silence with his response. “I think we’re gonna have to kill this guy, Bender.”

“Neat.”

The robot extended his arm and punched Anthony square in the jaw before he could react. Blood spurted from split lips as he toppled to the floor, too stunned to respond to the unexpected attack. Immediately, the council jumped their fallen leader and proceeded to pummel them into the floor without mercy. Fists, feet, diving elbows and steel chairs rained down on Anthony’s broken body as everyone vented their frustrations upon his flesh.

“You’re not going to take Tyrant away from me!” screamed KingLittleCaeser, who I didn’t totally forget was a member of staff until now. The chimera monster in question screamed in equal fury as it slammed its weaponized hands down on Anthony and doused his form in scorching flames.

“Or Showa Gyaos!” announced Soggy, as the bat monster’s sonic beams sliced through the administrator’s flesh.

“Or Rebirth Gamera!” proclaimed KaijuX, allowing the titanic terrapin to add further fuel to the burning fire.

“Wow.”

“Indeed, GodzillavsJason,” Optimus Prime agreed. “Freedom of speech is the right of all sentient beings… except this motherfucker.” His Energon blaster cracked back with each shot into Anthony’s immobilised form.

“We’re keeping Tiga,” shouted GvR, as the Ultra-Ancient Giant fired his Zeperion Beam.

“And Storm King!” screamed Bacon, while the herald of the Last Reality summoned meteors to rain down upon him.

“And Tigrex!”

The assault came to an abrupt halt. Everyone turned in unison towards the one who has spoken out, including the mutilated Anthony, and cast judging glares upon them. MoarCrossovers’ response was an innocent smile, holding out his arms towards the wyvern in an attempt to convince them of its inclusion. A chorus of unamused shaking heads was all the confirmation he needed, and sadly, he pointed the dragon out of the room.

The beatdown immediately resumed, as more and more characters from franchises far and wide joined in to utterly destroy the evil one. Even ones we got from sources we haven’t relieved yet, such as – whoops, almost got me again, you sneaky devils. The battle could be seen through the windows of the K.W.C. Towers from all corners of Toho Kingdom and even the borders beyond, where the banished looked on in envy.

“SKREEONK!!! (You know, I really hate this fandom sometimes. If I had known what that little gig in 1954 would have blown up so much, I wouldn’t have signed up for the sequel. It’s all raving fanboys whining either for more monster battles or more grimdark elements without any kind of idea of what made them work in the movies. It drives me to drink sometimes.)” roared Godzilla.

“REEAAAARR!!! (At least your fandom respects you for you. Nowadays, the only time I ever get brought up is in speculations on when you and I are going to have an official fight. No one likes me for me anymore.)” screeched Gamera.

“SHUWATCH! (At least people have some idea of who you are. I’ve been making a push into the global market for the past five years and the public still just know me as ‘the guy that looks like a giant Power Ranger.’ It’s humiliating.)” shouted Ultraman.

The three giants of toku watched as the battle continued to unfold into utter absurdity, burdened with the knowledge that this was the ultimate truth of the genre. That no matter how many awards they won, how many compelling stories were told, at the end of the day, this is what the world would remember them for. That fact alone was crueler than any Oxygen Destroyer ever was.

“GRONK! (Being popular stinks.)” Godzilla growled.

“Tell me about it,” lamented Big Man Japan.

Winner: Skullcrawler (The only win they’ll ever get.)