Many years ago, when I was in college, I did not participate nearly as much in the Godzilla fandom as I have come to do now that I am in my thirties (what the heck happened?). Back then I still was fond of Godzilla and Japanese films, anime, and video games, but I was not regularly writing about those topics (although I did write a long article for my school’s newspaper about the appreciation of old-school monster movies…). Perhaps the reason I did not express my love for all things monster-suited was because there simply weren’t enough, erm, monster-related Valentine’s Day goods available at the time. I remember my mom sending me a gift package that included a set of Godzilla-themed Valentine’s Day cards, which I will include scans of below.
These Valentine’s Day cards were cheaply made cardboard rectangles connected to one another, and featured a variety of Godzilla-monsters, a groan-worthy pun, and the same screaming girl put together to make mini mock monster movie posters. My favorite has to be the one featuring the 1970s Mechagodzilla because it has arguably the worst pun—“I like you mecha much!” I am not even sure what that means! Maybe, “I like you in a way in which I would build a robot version of you if you die” ala the unmade “Bride of Godzilla?” movie. At any rate, on the back of each card you could put your name and the name of your loved one and presumably attach the thing to a gift, though I think most of these were probably used by kids giving away small presents to classmates and the like rather than to serious love interests.
In other words, as clever and fun as the designs might be, these little cardboard pieces were unworthy of true expressions of love. And lovers around the world have long been baffled about how to show their deep romantic affection for each other WHILE AT THE SAME TIME expressing their Godzilla fandom.
Well, those desperate, loveless days have come to an end! Now, in 2018, just in time for Valentine’s Day, a whole line of Godzilla-themed chocolates have just been released—and this time I don’t mean Godzilla shilling for Snickers! These are hardcore Godzilla chocolates, with the most expensive box costing 2700 yen! That’s some giant mutated monster love right there, fellas!
So you had better believe I went to the Godzilla Store recently in Shinjuku to investigate the goodies and buy me some monster chocolate (because unfortunately folks I knew, despite the cultural expectation in Japan for women to give the men chocolates on Valentine’s Day, if I just waited around I was getting nothing, mate). The Godzilla Store was decked out for V-day with several monster models on the shelves holding up heart-shaped balloons and a sort of diorama created out of fake monster chocolates and fake cookies and candies.
They painted an Ani-Goji figure so that it looked like it was made of chocolate, and for some reason painted a Hedorah figure so that it looked like it was made from chocolate and… silver? I guess maybe they chose old Heddy because he already kinda looks like he is melting so it isn’t hard to think of him as made of fudge instead of sludge, though I am not sure about the silver/white arms and legs… maybe they are supposed to be milk to go with the chocolate?
Anyway. I also liked the little theater exclusive Ani-Goji figures cavorting amongst the other assembled (fake) cookies, snacks, and cakes, especially the semi-transparent Godzilla Filius standing atop a blue cookie-sandwich, feet deep in the icing. I always get nervous taking pictures in stores, though, and I did not take a picture of the actual Godzilla chocolates themselves… because I bought one of each.
Gosh, I felt awkward carrying that big pile of chocolates to the counter where the miserable-looking female employee was standing. Luckily, a male cashier rang up my ludicrous pile of calories, each additional box added to the pile underscoring just how very, very single I am. What came next I wasn’t really expecting, though I should have—the cashier gave me nine “Godzilla Chocolate” tote bags for my goodies, assuming that I was going to be giving these monster goodies to… nine different lovers or something. (Given that, again, it is the women who are expected to be buying and giving out chocolates, it must have been all the more strange that some obnoxious male foreigner was doing the purchasing.) I… didn’t have the heart to tell him I was buying ALL these chocolates for myself in order to review them for a website. I felt awkward enough already. (For what it’s worth, I should have known that I was going to receive lots of bags with my goodies because whenever I buy multiple boxes of omiyage (souvenirs) for my students and coworkers, I get multiple gift bags with them—even though I usually end up not using any of the gift bags due to the fact that I just distribute individual goodies and not whole boxes to my kiddos and coworkers.)
I noticed that other customers who were purchasing Godzilla chocolates were also receiving little construction paper hearts to go with their, uhh, single-box purchases. There were three different colors for the hearts, and each one with a printed Godzilla foot and the words “For you” in silver. The lady in front of me (with her kid) got the last of the third color, which was just a different shade of pink if I remember correctly. At first the cashier looked like he wasn’t going to offer me any hearts to go along with my tooth-rotting pile of chocolates, but when I glanced over at the hearts being handed out to the lady next to me, he (seemingly reluctantly) asked me which color I wanted. At the time, I was just thinking, “What the heck are these things for?” And I just figured he was going to give me one of them because I thought at the time that they were just a bonus item that comes with a purchase. So I said, “pink,” and he asked me if I wanted all of them in that color. I said “half,” and by golly, that’s what he got me—and this time he counted ten to match my choco-purchases. I guess the idea is that you tie the heart onto the bag, and maybe write a message to your loved one. (The dark brown thingees that look like hairpins are actually twist-ties.)
Anyway, as ridiculous as I feel now for buying all these chocolates, I can’t just let them go to waste (even though they will probably be going to my waist). So you can expect a bunch of Godzilla Valentine’s Day Chocolate reviews over the next few days. You’re welcome.