Aliens & SDF
Staff of Toho
A closer look at the delightfully eccentric characters
of Toho Kingdom's toons... along with possibly erroneous background
information and incredibly low-resolution stills. Enjoy!
Armor Tiberius Mothra
Length: 25 meters
Wingspan: 50 meters
Mass: 5,900 tons
aren't enough hours in the day to list 'em.
Human: William Shatner
First Confirmed Appearance:
The Kaiju Kritics
Review Valkyrie (2008)
... need we say more? Armor Mothra is the quintessence
of awesomeness. Clad in mithril, he was forged in
the mines of Moria (if we are to give credence to
fan fics). Armor Mothra always knew he was virtually
unsurpassed, and he soon discovered that his true
calling was convincing everyone else of what he
already knew. Whenever someone even begins to question
an iota of his greatness, he swoops in!
Armor Mothra's diet consists of iron, bronze, steel,
and awe. His main hobby consists of appearing at
the most inopportune times to flex his shiny, mothy
pecs. Some say that Armor Mothra's transcending
fate could wow even the Russian judges at the Olympics.
Time will tell.
Armor Mothra can be found on Armor Infant Island,
which is what he calls Infant Island. If you'd like
to reach him, be sure to offer him a gift of pure
Lepidopterogigas ferrum (Elias, 1998)
Don Ricardo Gonzalo Pedro Montel Bágan y Merino
Height: 150 meters
Mass: 280,000 tons
Nobility of Character, Time Travel
Human: Antonio Banderas
Confirmed Appearance: Squeegee
the earliest memories of Super Ancient Spain comes
a daring rogue, the likes of which the world has
never seen before. In what is now Málaga,
Andalucía, Spain, Don Jenaro Montel Bágan
and Doña Ricarda Merino gave birth to a son,
Don Ricardo Gonzalo Pedro Montel Bágan y
Merino. You can call him Don Bagan for short.
When he was a lad, he lived a privileged life.
He had the manliest of manly Pura Raza Española
stallions, the handsomest sombrero cordobés,
an impressive space titanium fencing foil (of which
he has recently acquired a twin), and a scarlet
and charcoal cape woven from the finest imported
Byzantine silk. His mother trained him in the art
of self-defense, but warned him that he would
suffer defeat if his foe's cause was nobler than
his. Bagan became a local hero and fought many of
the great villains of legend, including the infamous
Doña Villana de la Ciudad del Mal, the ever
cruel Don Cosquillas Con Una Pluma, and the dreaded
Don Gases y Flatulencia. His trademark monogram
was scorched into the very minds of his vanquished
Eventually he began to travel the world, and decided
to briefly settle in Super Ancient China, specifically
Yiling (present-day Yichang). One day, Bagan was
awoken by a call from the future. An unnamed alien
race requested his help to defeat an outlaw of immense
power, the ferocious Don Super Godzilla. Always
willing to accept a challenge, Bagan traveled to
December 22nd, 1993 and fought his foe valiantly
in front of the Diet Building. For the first time
in his life, Bagan was defeated! He soon realized
that the alien invaders had tricked him, for Bagan
knew full well that he would only ever suffer defeat
if his foe's cause was nobler than his. When the
battle was through, Bagan befriended Godzilla and
was brought to Monster Island, where he settled
on the Islet of Sassafras, a few hundred meters
from the main island. He has made his home in the
present, but frequently slips into the past to see
his mamá y papá.
Bagan's diet consists mainly of gazpacho
and plato alpujarreño. His main
hobby is fencing. In the past, he had very little
time for the ladies, but as of recent, has chosen
to make himself known as such a mujeriego
to make even Don Juan blush.
As noted earlier, Bagan's permanent home is located
on the Islet of Sassafras. Nevertheless, he has
often been found wandering the Tabernas Desert,
seeking to help those in need of defense. Para
la Antigua España y los kaijus!
Pantemporalis andaluciensis (Ogata, 1993)
Dr. Baragon Van Horn M.D.
Height: 30 meters
Mass: 10,000 tons
Soothing Voice, Pointing Stick, Magenta Glowy Sword
Human: Samuel L. Jackson
Confirmed Appearance: Quasiped
a monster with a sexy quotient of 1,000,000 earns
the right to the title Studly Saurian.
Baragon journeyed to the Imperial Capital of Andromeda
with a group of fellow LARPers in 1976. He was sorely
unprepared for Chancellor Gabara's coup, and was
forced into exile on Earth early into the conflict.
Due to the fact that exile is as boring as all get-out,
Baragon began sifting through tome after tome to
develop a keen skill at healing. Within time, he
became a bona fide physician of both spiritual and
Baragon's diet consists chiefly of beluga caviar,
fillet mignon, and lobster tail on the side... cuz
he's so dang rich! His main hobby is badminton.
His style is so precise and refined, that some believe
him to have once wielded a Glowy Sword. Their suspicions
are spot on!
Baragon currently resides at the Kaiju General Hospital
on Monster Island, but often vacations on his own
private Islet of Baratopia. Cuz he's so dang rich!
Canicularisaurus monoceros (Togami, 1965)
Captain Hector Bar Battra
Height: 90 meters
Mass: 20,000 tons
Human: Geoffrey Rush
Confirmed Appearance: Scallywag
ho! Yo ho! The life of a legitimate gift card salesman
Captain Hector Bar Battra, the Scourge of the Seven
Skies, is a larva well-acquainted with the ancient
art of piratin'. After a brief stint as a swimming
pool service technician aboard the S.S. Lido Deck,
he acquired his own ship in 1992. An English Galleon
that would later come to be known as the S.S. Bootylicious,
his dealings aboard this vessel have become the
stuff of legends... the gooey, maple syrupy stuff.
Of course, he doesn't want anyone in a position
of authority to know of his illicit activities.
As such, he recently consulted a certified public
accountant by the name of Hedorah Stewart Konigsberg.
At the financial expert's suggestion, he went public
with his company, Battra's Amalgamated Trading Team
Retail Associates, or B.A.T.T.R.A. Inc. Little did
Hedorah realize that his client's business was simply
a front organization, and without knowing what he
was getting into, he quickly accepted a full-time
position in the accounting department. Aboard the
Bootylicious, Captain Battra and CPA Hedorah sail
the many winds, holding true to the Bootylicious
Mission Statement: "To loot ports, seize ships,
and generally cause piratey mischief, all under
the guise of an aftermarket gift card distributor...
arr". In actuality, Captain Battra always returns
what he loots, and makes the majority of his capital
off his lucrative contracts with retail giants.
Unclaimed buried treasure makes up for the remaining
10% of his profits. When it comes right down to
it, Captain Battra is just out for the weird thrill
of bringing the golden age of piratin' back to the
mainstream. He's a sucker for the old school.
B.A.T.T.R.A. Inc. offers a summer internship program
that is second to none, which may or may not fall
in the summer months depending on a wide number
of unpredictable variables. Little Godzilla, Varan,
and the Giant Condor have all experienced the excitement
of this potentially educational opportunity, yet
have gleaned very little usable experience. Nevertheless,
a fun time was had by all.
Captain Battra's diet consists primarily of Granny
Smiths, McIntosh Reds, Ginger Golds, applesauce,
apple pie, and apple crumble. His main hobby is
synchronized swimming. He also enjoys a challenging
crossword puzzle from time-to-time. Some historians
argue that Battra sailed under Blackbeard between
1717 and 1718 aboard the Queen Anne's Revenge. This
theory comes from a rather peculiar entry in Blackbeard's
diary, "Insufferable row on deck; a great creeping
thing to blame. Wormlike, but a mighty fine sailor...
first mate material, says I."
Battra can be found aboard his flagship, the S.S.
Bootylicious. Don't bug him during crossword time,
which is between 4:00 PM to 1:00 AM daily, by the
Lepidopterogigas obscurus (Saegusa, 1992)
Princess Biollante Frances Organa
Height: 120 meters
Mass: 200,000 tons
Persuasive, Lots of Spunk
Human: Carrie Fisher
Confirmed Appearance: Toho
Wars: The Empire in Pursuit
Retconned Appearance: We're
the Lethal Weapon!
one word of advice for you. Don't ask Biollante
to wear the gold bikini!
Biollante is an amalgam of Godzilla cells, a rose,
and a girl named Erika. Upon realizing she had become
a kaiju, Erika was at first reluctant, but she soon
realized the world of monsters had its perks. When
she was offered the option to have her old body
cloned and her soul inserted into the Erika replica,
she ultimately declined. She was quoted as saying:
"Why would I want to that?!? I'm the coolest
frickin' plant monster ever!"
Eventually, she decided she would take a trip into
outer space, where she fought with the rebels during
the Galactic Kaiju War (1976-1983). There, she met
the dashing, daring, and actually rather chicken-livered
Han Guirus Solo. She dragged her delusional boyfriend
back to Earth after the eventual rebel victory,
but they ultimately went their separate ways.
For a while, Biollante authored prizewinning nonfiction
literature. Her most recent works include Botany
and Feminism, a Tale of Plant Life and Freedom
and A Rose Lined with Teeth is Still a Rose.
In early 2012, she married Monster X, and both continue
to look after their biological daughter from an
alternate future, Celebi. The recent birth of Celebi's
counterpart in our timeline, Serebii, has only added
to Biollante and Monster X's wedded bliss.
Biollante's diet consists of water, sunlight, and
soil. Her main hobbies are visiting lakes, dematerializing
and rematerializing, space-travel, intergalactic
politics, and also horseback riding. She is the
founder and CEO of Chimera Corp., based in Seoul.
Some people are under the misconception that Biollante
doesn't visit Dr. Shiragami as often as one would
expect, but this is far from the truth. They go
bowling on Saturdays.
Biollante can be found residing in a villa with
her family on Monster Island, but she does keep
a summer home in Lake Ashino. Again, don't even
bring up the gold bikini...
Botanisaurus shiragamii (Saegusa, 1989)
Height: 4-30 meters
Mass: 300 kilograms-2,000
Cluelessness, Pencil and Paper
Human: Keanu Reeves
Confirmed Appearance: A
Moth is a surfer dude at heart, with a hairdo that
might be a few decades behind the times (and a taste
in music that lags even further). Does this bother
the loveable pixiu? To quote Black Moth, "Umm,
like... no? Maybe?"
The result of brain swapping and wing grafting,
Black Moth has only one goal in his life: to do
his job to the best of his inability. He began his
career as a humble busboy at Le Restau Romantique,
and through hard work, grit, and determination,
he managed to snag his current position as Assistant
Black Moth's diet consists almost entirely of cat
food and birdseed.
Whenever Black Moth isn't serving geriatric soylent
foodstuffs (don't worry, they're just tofu molds
with food coloring), he can be found surfing/skateboarding/sitting.
One common misconception is that Black Moth is a
100% pure "Valley Guy". This is rather
inaccurate according to Black Moth, who was quoted
as saying: "As if! Whatever!"
Black Moth can be found residing at latitude zero,
aka the equator. Be sure to bring your Clueless-to-English
Dictionary whenever you visit.
Aquilaleo pixiu (Malik, 1969)
Veruca Celebi Organa-Xavier
Height: 0.6 meters
Mass: 0.0055 tons
Powers: Time Travel,
Human: Hillary Rodham Clinton
Confirmed Appearance: Ilex
Celebi's story is a bizarre one that has taken many
unusual twists and turns. On January 8th, 2013 in
an alternate timeline, Veruca Celebi Organa-Xavier
was born to Biollante and Monster X. She had already
grown very powerful by age four, when she suddenly
received a warning signal from the past. Years prior,
on March 19th, 2011, someone had sent a message
warning the world of 2017 that a weapon of immensely
destructive power, the Dimension Tide, had been
armed by Manda to destroy the planet! With enough
time to spare, Celebi used a time travel trick to
duplicate herself and instructed her clone to move
everyone off-planet before the black hole gun fired.
She then declared her intentions to return to the
past and unravel the unfolding mystery.
In order to prevent Manda from becoming suspicious
of her activities, she feigned a sociopathic desire
for world domination tempered by silly weaknesses.
To protect her parents' counterparts in this timeline,
she initially hid the truth about her background.
Meanwhile, she secretly deputized a spritely creature
of mysterious origin, Mew, as her first and most
loyal lackey. Vegeta filled the position of second
most loyal after he lost most of his body to mercenary
Ro-Man and was transformed by Celebi into the cyborg
Jet Jaguar. This small gang of freedom fighters
knew that Manda had meant to draw a powerful time
traveler to the past so he could exploit his or
her powers. Celebi's mere presence was a means of
springing the trap.
Manda's motivation was quite unusual. He was rather
unhappy with the way the Galactic Kaiju War (1976-1983)
had concluded all those years ago, and wished to
return to that time to ensure that he would
become the Emperor of Andromeda. Kidnapping Monster
X and locking him in the Cinema 77 Dungeon, he prepared
for Celebi's arrival by lining the walls with unobtainium.
When Celebi came to rescue her dad, Manda began
to drain her abilities, but the vastly more powerful
Biollante had already begun to fully unravel the
mystery and arrived just in time to defeat him.
Celebi's history and Manda's plan were brought to
light within the span of only a few moments, and
for a time, it seemed as though the only obstacle
left was to destroy the Dimension Tide. Its exact
orbit was a carefully guarded secret, and after
the fight, Manda claimed that he couldn't recall
the coordinates. After extensive research, Celebi
discovered the position of the Dimension Tide, and
unleashed a full assault on the orbiting satellite
shortly after Biollante and Monster X's wedding
on January 28th, 2012.
Manda was under careful surveillance for several
months, but there were gaps in intelligence where
Manda seemed to simply disappear. Jet Jaguar revealed
that just before he fought and lost his battle against
Ro-Man, he had been closing in on the plot of an
unknown villain whose actions were shrouded in mystery.
Celebi had, at that earlier time, supposed a connection
with Manda, and now Jet Jaguar's information seemed
to confirm it. However, there were aspects of the
plans of Jet Jaguar's quarry that didn't quite
match Manda's blueprints, and they finally deduced
that Manda must have been in the employ of an evil
mastermind. Whoever this nameless villain was, he
or she was certainly behind both the world annihilation
aspect of Manda's plot and Ro-Man's attempt to silence
Vegeta. Jet Jaguar had held a theory close to his
vest for a long while, for he had come to the conclusion
that the evil mastermind might be evil masterminds:
the Shobijin. In order to prove the theory, Mew
was commissioned to write a book under an unusual
pseudonym, explaining the step-by-step process required
to build a cobalt bomb. Meanwhile, Celebi would
apparently use the tome to build the titular doomsday
device and set up an auction to lure out Manda's
puppeteer (or puppeteers). Oddly, both Mothra
and King Caesar bid on the mass extinction
weapon, but Celebi agreed with Jet Jaguar's theory
and assumed that Mothra was the correct lead. With
the "cobalt bomb" sold, all she would
have to do is sit and wait.
It wasn't long before the masterminds revealed
themselves, for the sadistic Shobijin were
behind the whole enchilada, or so it seemed. Prior
to detonating the device, they relinquished their
control over Manda's mind and sent him on his way.
Unfortunately for the twin fairies, the bomb turned
out to be a trap. They admitted to Celebi that they
had concocted their terrible scheme because they
felt that their belovèd Mothra was unappreciated
by the rest of the world. Had the original plan
worked properly, they would have destroyed the Earth
and placated their servant Manda by joining their
mind control with the time travel abilities he would
have sapped from Celebi. With these powers combined,
Manda would have surely become Emperor of Andromeda.
Meanwhile, the Shobijin plot for revenge would have
been well underway with the Dimension Tide armed
to detonate several years in the future. Celebi
revealed to the Shobijin that their assumptions
about the world's indifference toward Mothra were
the result of a misunderstanding. Contrite, the
twin fairies agreed to do a favor for Celebi before
they even knew what she was going to request. Celebi
asked that the Shobijin use their powers to help
her become Empress of Andromeda. Few things
have genuinely shocked the Shobijin in the course
of their long lifetimes, but this definitely
made the list. The reign of Darth Mechagodzilla
and Son soon came to a close; and the Andromeda
Galaxy was now Celebi's!
Jet Jaguar, still reeling from his defeat at the
hands of mercenary Ro-Man, was not forgotten by
Celebi. Now that she ruled Andromeda, she was able
to employ millions of spies to track down the rogue
mercenary. As a result, Ro-Man fled to the Milky
Way Galaxy. An intelligence source finally revealed
that the robot monster was only a few miles from
Celebi's Earth Base. The rematch began, and Jet
Jaguar quickly turned the tables on his foe. Ro-Man's
furry guise was shed and his robotic limbs torn
asunder. Celebi rebuilt the robotic ape and dubbed
him Mechani-Kong. After convincing him to join her
side as the third loyal lackey, Celebi decided to
target the source of Mechani-Kong's incredible power,
the Calcinator Death Ray. Scanning the rogue satellite,
Jet Jaguar soon came to the conclusion that it could
only be destroyed by someone with a power level
greater than 9 trillion. Biollante, being one of
the few kaiju with a power level in that general
range, was asked to take care of the job. In a flash
of rosy plasma, she reduced the satellite of horror
into a veritable pyrotechnic display. Celebi began
to bask in the glow of complete and utter victory,
but her mother implied that a greater evil might
still be out there. Someone may have influenced
Celebi consulted her secret intelligence lackey,
Little Godzilla, and finally asked him if what she
had long suspected was true. Was he the
one who originally called her from the future? Confirming
her suspicions, he told her the full story as he
knew it. He also added that he might have a clue
to the new mystery. He had consulted Mothra about
the possibility of a greater evil, and she revealed
that "the other bidder" might have information
to help them. Celebi recalled that King Caesar had
also bid on her "cobalt bomb" and quickly
gathered the other lackeys to question him. Caesar
regaled them with the story of a mysterious, feline
creature who had been feeding sinister suggestions
to the Shobijin. This situation alarmed King Caesar
enough to make a bid for the cobalt bomb. He also
noted the shadowy figure's peculiar obsession with
spiders. With this information in hand, Celebi realized
that Kumonga might hold the answer to this perplexing
puzzle. Kumonga informed Celebi that the mystery
cat had very recently claimed he would become extraordinarily
powerful to impress the gargantuan spider into falling
madly in love with him. At that very moment, Celebi
and the lackeys sensed an energy transfer of astronomic
proportions and rushed to the location of the disturbance.
The greater evil was finally revealed...
... Katz Kandy.
This evil feline used an immense amount of unobtainium
to absorb Radian X-7's virtually bottomless well
of energy. Biollante, having long kept her "third
eye" on the situation, suddenly sensed that
Celebi was in danger and rushed to protect her.
One of the very few kaiju with enough strength to
contend with a power as great as the one Katz absorbed
from Radian, she fought her feline foe! During the
battle, Katz reveled in the fact that he had fed
fell suggestions to the Shobijin merely for his
own amusement. Though it appeared as though Katz
had gained the upper hand, Biollante absorbed his
most powerful attack and vanquished him with her
Hybrid Tea Assault! Radian X-7's energy was returned
to him, and Katz pleaded with Biollante and Celebi
to show clemency and allow him to become their housepet.
Shortly thereafter, Celebi convinced him to become
her fourth loyal lackey, and the Dimension Tide
Wars (2011-2012) were finally over.
For far too long, Celebi was involved in conflicts
well beyond her years, but with the help of her
friends and family, she prevailed. And now she has
a little sister, Serebii, who is actually her counterpart
native to this timeline. All of the many things
Celebi has learned she can pass on to her younger
Celebi's diet consists of such oddities as peanut
butter and sardine sandwiches and such not-so-oddities
as peanut butter cups. Her favorite hobby is ruling
the Andromeda Galaxy. Some say that Celebi's Andromedan
Revenue Service levies one of the most reasonable
taxes in the cosmos. At only 1%, this is probably
true. Nevertheless, her salary from the Andromedan
Tax comes to the equivalent of about one quadrillion
dollars per year.
Celebi can be found at Organa-Xavier Villa on Monster
Island, or at Celebi's Earth Base in the John Boyd
Thacher State Park, or in the Imperial
Palace of the Andromedan Capital. She is quite happy
to receive anybody as her guest. Missionaries are
Astrobotanicus tachyon (Elm, 2011)
Salazaar Mercutio Deutalios
Height: 15 meters
Mass: 50 tons
Powers: The Ability
to Walk on Ceilings
Human: Juan Valdez
Confirmed Appearance: The
is the result of bioengineering gone terribly right,
much like the cubic watermelon... if that were the
result of bioengineering... which it isn't.
Originally cast for a brief role in Godzilla
vs. Biollante (1989), Deutalios thought
he would finally make something of himself in the
film industry. Sadly, he was canned during early
So he sought his revenge!
When that inevitably failed, he guzzled latte,
espresso, cappuccino, and every other form of unnecessarily
expensive caffeinated beverage until his very DNA
became a mild stimulant. Unable to stem his own
hyperactivity, he realized that his only recourse
was to become an announcer at organized sporting
Deutalios' diet consists chiefly of pixie sticks,
purified high fructose corn syrup, and double mocha
latte's with cream and nutmeg. Calzones with ricotta
cheese instead of mozzarella are also among his
favorite foods. It was once thought that if you
looked hard enough, you could find a picture of
Deutalios on a 100 dollar bill. This has since been
proven false, as people were mistaking Ben Franklin
Deutalios currently resides in the historic Coffee
District of Seattle, or sometimes deep within
the sugar mines of the third moon of Rigel VII.
Pisciratus shiragamii (Saegusa, 1989)
Height: 58 meters
Mass: 23,000 tons
Gabara Gun", Reviewing Movies
Human: Bobcat Goldthwait
Confirmed Appearance: Little
Godzilla's Public Service Announcement
Cher and Madonna, Gabara is known solely by his single
moniker. Dozens have tried to guess his full name,
but they have all lived to regret it, mostly because
they didn't figure it out...
... turns out it's Gabby Bare-Butt...
Anyway, Gabara's story (at least this version) begins
during the Triassic Period. Once upon a time, a Tanystropheus
fell into a tar pit... and the tar pit was radioactive
or something. He emerged in 1947, mutated beyond recognition.
A couple decades later, he bullied Minilla just a
bit too much, and received the full force of his thermonuclear
heat ray. As decades of reconstructive surgery began,
he draped himself in a concealing cloak (which is
why some contended that his full name was actually
Gabara von Cloak). He has made a name for himself
appearing when others wish he wouldn't and continuing
to speak when others plead that he stop. Fortunately,
he has (finally) found a constructive hobby! He, along
with Monster X, are the proud parents of the Kaiju
Kritics phenomenon which has gripped the world (well,
some sections of Malta, San Marino, and Flagler Beach,
FL). His kaiju kritiquing powers have grown in strength,
but are often curbed in caliber by his proclivity
toward the non sequitur. Forsooth!
Gabara's diet consists mainly of beef jerky, Doritos, and Mountain Dew. Oh!
We mustn't forget the calzones. His main hobbies
include electrokinesis and alchemy. Some say that
the Rock of Gibraltar was one of Gabara's creations...
to which he responded, "WHAT?!? Seriously,
that doesn't make any sense."
Gabara can be found residing in his winter residence
in Titusville, Florida; or his summer residence
in the The Dark Tower of Gabara-dûr, in the
Lands of Mist, in the Deepest, Darkest Reaches of
Villainland. The latter residence is located in
the Southern Hemisphere... we'll let you figure
out why that was not-so-great planning on Gabara's
Anthropotanystropheus gabara (Konigsberg,
Name: The Giant Condor
Height: 15 meters
Wingspan: 25 meters
Mass: 2,000 tons
Powers: Shrill Voice,
Human: Eisei Amamoto
Confirmed Appearance: A
Giant Condor was born to even gianter condors in
1963 on the Island of Letchi. For reasons we cannot
explain, the Giant Condor remains three and a half
years old to this very day.
The Giant Condor's first encounter with stardom
was a brief role in the 1966 movie: Ebirah,
Horror of the Deep (1966). Immediately
thereafter, his agent suffered temporary amnesia,
and as a result, the Giant Condor fell from stardom.
In the mean time, he began to devour anime and digest
manga. Eventually, the Giant Condor became the first
scavenger bird in history to be inducted into the
Otaku Hall of Fame. Near the turn of the century,
Yu-Gi-Oh! became his primary source of entertainment.
To this day, he can quote any line Bakura spoke
throughout the entire series.
Nowadays, he pops in and out of public perception.
His shrill voice, inquisitive nature, dominating
presence, and borderline sociopathy are indeed forces
with which to be reckoned. The Giant Condor's diet
consists not of carrion, as some avid ornithophiles
might reckon. His sweet tooth is absolutely legendary,
for this cute little buzzard could down a boatload
of chocolate in 8 minutes flat. His main hobbies
include building scale replicas of Akihabara, zooming
in on Akihabara with Google Earth, and learning
how to write "Akihabara" in kana. It is
said that the Giant Condor simply adores
putting adhesive-backed googly eyes on just about
everything. This is only partially true; simply
remove the words "just about" from the
previous sentence for clarification.
The Giant Condor lives with his parents on Letchi,
and for similarly vague reasons, they too never
Superteratornis aurantius (Caldwell, 1967)
Giant Sea Serpent
Height: 85 meters
Mass: 4,000 tons
Powers: Manly Voice,
Human: Garth Brooks
Confirmed Appearance: Obscure
it gets right down to it, you can't beat a Texas accent.
Sorry rest of the planet, but your ships
Born on his family's cattle ranch outside of Arlington,
TX, the young Giant Land Serpent (as he was once known)
always had a desire to move to the coast and live
near (or in) the sea. Unfortunately, he felt as though
he was simply destined to be a landlubber for the
rest of his life; until that fateful day when he read
the brochure, Come to Mondo Island! Seriously,
It's So Cool! Intrigued, the Giant Land Serpent
chose to finally bid the ranch (and his loving family)
a fond farewell. When he arrived on Mondo Island,
he encountered a giant gorilla! Fortunately, they
were able to live in harmony, and even collaborated
on a sea cow ranch (don't worry, they weren't raised
for food). The Giant Land Serpent had his name legally
changed to the Giant Sea Serpent, but among his friends,
the Giant Sea Serpent was known as the Giant Sea Snake.
With the exception of a brief interview with a highly
confused Deutalios back in mid-2008, the Giant Sea
Snake has lived rather peacefully in the waters of
Mondo Island ever since.
The Giant Sea Snake prefers a diet of anything he
can swallow without chewing, like pudding snacks and
yogurt. Some say that the Giant Sea Snake's famous
hat was fashioned out of the leather of an unstoppable
mutant cow monster, but it is more than likely comprised
of a synthetic fabric.
The Giant Sea Snake can be found off the shores of
Mondo Island, or sometimes visiting his family in
Texas. Bring some pecan pie and prepare yourself for
a barbecue, because when it comes to the Giant Sea
Snake, he doesn't play games (exception: Scrabble).
Ultralaticauda mondoensis (Who, 1967)
Firmus Amanda Grayson
Height: 65 meters
Mass: 25,000 tons
Knowledge of Star Trek, Buzzsaw Belly, Speaks Conversational
Nebulan and Conversational Klingon
Human: Nichelle Nichols
Confirmed Appearance: Toho
Wars Episode 35: The Satire Strikes Back (Star Wars
space can be a forboding place, filled to the brim
with dangers beyond our wildest reckoning. Of course,
this is only true for Type 0 civilizations. The Aptenodytes
of Space Hunter Nebula M, better known as the Nebulans,
have quite a handle on things. In their travels, they've
discovered a number of fascinating crystals, within
which fantastic organisms from a bygone era have been
sealed. Inside the rubylike gems were an
ancient race of dragons of the genus Tricephalohydra,
better known by the common name King Ghidorah. Inside
the sapphirelike crystals were a race of
avian cyborgs of the genus Gigantopullus,
better known by the common name Gigan. One of each
was released, but King Ghidorah proved untameable
by all except the Xiliens. As Nebulan technology raced
to catch up, Gigan proved to be a far more agreeable
kaiju. However, he wasn't much of a fighter and quickly
became lost in all things science fiction. When the
Nebulans finalized their plans to colonize Planet
Earth, they had at last developed the technology necessary
to control King Ghidorah. While the people of Planet
X were away on holiday during the better part of 1972,
King Ghidorah's mind was placed under Nebulan control,
and both Gigan and Ghidorah were sent to colonize
Earth for Space Hunter Nebula M. Godzilla and Anguirus
quickly discovered that Gigan was uninterested in
conquest, and the three became fast friends. King
Ghidorah was repelled by their combined force, and
peace returned to the world. Gigan returned to Space
Hunter Nebula M and remained there for one more year,
at which point the underground civilization of Seatopia
unleashed the kaiju Megalon to halt nuclear testing
on the Earth's surface in 1973. The Nebulans, being
close allies of the Seatopians, gave Gigan another
chance to prove himself. He was sent to Earth to join
Megalon, but they both joined forces with Godzilla
and Jet Jaguar. In order to help the Seatopians, the
quartet of monsters sought the help of Jimmy Kamacuras
to speak on behalf of nuclear disarmament.
Shortly thereafter, Gigan decided to settle on Earth,
but he was swept up in the Galactic Kaiju War (1976-1983).
Despite his unfamiliarity with space travel, he was
promoted from Captain to Admiral in 1980 aboard the
Gotengo. When the war was over, he returned to Earth
and resumed his studies of all things sci-fi. With
the advent of widespread digital media, he eventually
collected every episode of Star Trek in history by
the 2000's. His web series, Star Trek: The Cage
Revisited, has won several Webby Awards. As time
passed, he realized he wanted someone with whom to
share all of his wonderful blessings. He consulted
everybody's favorite romantic, Bagan, who agreed to
help him become more appealing to the ladies. All
that Bagan requested in return was that Gigan appear
in a self-help video for the romantically challenged.
Before Bagan could make even a single suggestion,
enter Millennium Gigan, the radiant nerdy princess
of Gigan's dreams. A year and a half later, they were
married at Stan Lee Presents Dallas Comic Con
in 2012. The future is certainly bright for these
two cybernetic lovebirds.
Gigan's diet consists of such specialities as Cornish
pasties and Yorkshire pudding. His hobbies consist
of science fiction, comic books, video games, and
just about anything nerdy you can imagine. He likes
to collect unusual attire accessories, such as fedoras,
ascots, aviator goggles, Ross Perot T-shirts, and
loin cloths. His favorite episode of Star Trek is
"Spock's Brain". A close friend of both
Monster X and Bagan, the three occasionally have a
"dudes' night out" to engage in such manly
activities as watching Downton Abbey.
Gigan can be found living on Monster Island. He has
often been known to visit the United Kingdom... you
know, because of the dialectal similarities.
Gigantopullus ferrarostra sapphirus (Tomoe,
Name: Niles David Godzilla,
Height: 100 meters
Mass: 60,000 tons
Powers: Atomic Ray,
An Air of Sophistication
Human: Dr. Kyohei Yamane
Confirmed Appearance: The
tenured professor of Reptilian Psychology at Harvard
University, Godzilla is certainly one of the most
fascinating enigmas in all of Monsterdom. His face
reflects unbridled ferocity, but his personality
is certainly far more sophisticated than one would
expect. Not only is he licensed to practice law
on Monster Island (and Massachusetts), but on a
more clandestine level, he has also performed undercover
work for several government agencies. Nevertheless,
his most exciting exploits have been his dealings
with fellow monsters.
The Godzillasaurus is a creature with an unusual
biological quirk. This type of dinosaur quickly
reaches adolescence within a year of its birth,
yet it never grows any further unless acted upon
by some external stimulus. On July 25th, 1946, a
Godzillasaurus named Gojira began to mutate into
adulthood as a result of the Baker test
during Operation Crossroads. When Eleanor Cthulhu
learned what had happened, she rushed to Lagos Island
in Bikini Atoll to see if her young friend had survived.
Discovering that Gojira had transformed into an
adult, the two soon fell in love and married. By
the end of the year, their son Godzilla hatched.
The family had moved to a safer island, and Godzilla
was raised with loving care by his parents for the
better part of a decade. Only the brief War of 1953
interrupted this period of peace. In 1954, Gojira
was growing frustrated with the slow development
of Godzilla's atomic heat ray. Sadly, this culminated
in a rash move. He quickly regretted stomping on
Godzilla's tail, because the resultant energy blast
scarred Gojira from head to foot. Apologizing for
his lapse in judgment, Gojira rushed to Tokyo to
invest in some much needed plastic surgery, but
Dr. Serizawa thought him a threat and used the oxygen
destroyer to skeletonize the monster. Concerned
with her son's safety, Eleanor Cthulhu enrolled
Godzilla in the Komandorski Kaiju Boarding School,
where he began classes in early 1955. While she
worked with the contrite Japanese government in
an attempt to convert Gojira's bones into a cyborg,
Godzilla began acclimating to his new surroundings.
He developed an Eastern European accent and an interest
in Eastern European culture. In 1969, a young kaiju
named Gabara began to mercilessly bully Godzilla.
Culminating in a stomped tail, Gabara soon felt
the same sting of regret that Godzilla's dad had
experienced years earlier.
As is the case with Godzillasaurs, Godzilla's adolescence
continued indefinitely until one fateful day in
1979 when a nuclear accident in the Bering Sea transformed
him into an adult. One of his friends from school,
Armor Mothra, revealed that he was a time-traveler.
In order to help Godzilla adjust to the sudden change,
he offered to bring him on a grand tour through
the era of his childhood as an adult. Returning
to 1954, Godzilla's mere presence alarmed a Japan
that had just experienced the rise and fall of Gojira
a few days earlier. Serizawa's clone (don't ask)
attempted to use a second oxygen destroyer, but
the device backfired. Fortunately, it only caused
the scientist a bit of eyestrain. Godzilla's anger
began to swell at the belligerent antics of humans,
and he decided to destroy human civilization. When
1955 rolled along, he planned to make Osaka the
first target of his boiling wrath. Little did he
realize that another monster named Anguirus was
preparing to go through with a very similar plan.
Godzilla and Anguirus clashed off the coast of Japan
and then in the very heart of Osaka for supremacy,
but they both eventually decided to join forces.
After talking it over for a little while, they decided
that humans were just misunderstood and abandoned
their plans for a joint global assault. From that
day on, they became the best of friends.
Over the next two decades, Godzilla found himself
in numerous situations that called for conflict
resolution. During his campaigns, he fell for the
gigantic arachnid Kumonga, although it turned out
to be an unrequited infatuation; he apologized to
Gabara for scarring him with his atomic heat ray;
and he even found his past self and helped prepare
the young lad for the future. When Gojira's cybernetic
transformation was complete, Godzilla helped him
break the mind control of the Black Hole Aliens
who had seized an opportunity to brainwash the newly
completed Earth cyborg. Then, between 1975 and 1984,
Godzilla drifted out of the spotlight. He refused
to take part in the Galactic Kaiju War (1976-1983),
unlike some of his relatives. It was only when a
time-traveling Miki Saegusa convinced him to buy
a pogo stick in 1983 that things started to heat
up again. He bounced his way through several new
conflicts during the late '80s and early-to-mid-'90s.
During this time, he fell in love with a girl named
Takoyaki Cthulhu (no relation to his mother). They
married, and Little Godzilla was born in 1993. Little
Godzilla grew swiftly to adolescence within a year's
time, where he currently remains. During the late
'90s, current events cooled down to a simmer. Godzilla
bought a Mercury Sable, and when a new era of conflict
arose, he drove the family sedan through the early
'00s. Ultimately, he used the quality automobile
as a bargaining chip to resolve the Faux Xilien
Invasion (2004). From then on, things have been
There have been a few notable events in recent years.
For one, Godzilla appeared in the little known 2005
movie Gabara X Monster X X Godzilla X Anguirus
XX, which was in Albania's top 20 for two consecutive
weeks. On July 31st, 2006, a miscommunication with
one of the Mothra Larvae led to an incident where
Godzilla had to have his stomach pumped. They have
since buried the hatchet. In 2007, a brief military
coup shook Monster Island when Ultimate Black Hole
Duck attempted to create the position of Monster
in Chief in a bid to end the Continuing Vacancy
of the Office of Daikaiju President (1981-Present).
Duck's brief reign was not only plagued by belligerent
policymaking, but he also violated the terms of
the Monster Island Constitution on several occasions.
The Island of Representatives, a small islet near
Monster Island where the legislature meets, was
under siege for weeks. Fortunately, Godzilla arrived,
toppled the coup, and restored order.
After Gabara sent numerous letters to Godzilla flaunting
the success of the then new Kaiju Kritics
franchise during late 2008 and early 2009, Godzilla
and Anguirus decided to temporarily take control
of Cinema 77 and locked the hosts in a dungeon.
In a bizarre behind the scenes twist, Ultimate Black
Hole Duck toppled the coup and convinced Godzilla
and Anguirus to release their prisoners earlier
than planned. The next few years were punctuated
with occasional bursts of excitement. Around March
24th, 2009, Godzilla endured Moguera's unpleasant
time share sales pitch on Tyddeel Island, off the
coast of South Africa; in September of 2011, Godzilla
briefly hosted Wheel of Fortune; and on May 5th,
2012, Godzilla survived late stage Meltdown Syndrome
when Dr. Baragon Van Horn used Faith Healing to
prevent catastrophe. Contrary to popular misconception,
Godzilla did not experience Meltdown Syndrome
in 1995 (in the Toon Timeline, that is).
As a result of his numerous victories throughout
the mid-to-late-20th and early 21st centuries, Godzilla
has long been considered the honorary Monsterweight
Champion of the World. As most of his well-known
campaigns ended with peaceful resolutions, he was
quite surprised to face a fierce, albeit weaker
adversary in Gorosaurus on January 19th, 2013 in
the boxing ring. Although Godzilla retained the
title, Gorosaurus (aka the Mondo Island Mauler)
earned a great deal of respect from the bout.
It should be noted that since Godzilla is one of
the most famous of all kaiju, there have been a
lot of false rumors swirling around about him. First,
he never worked for the radio station MPR in 1934.
Second, he never attacked the UN Building in 1999
during the Kilaak Invasion (although his past self
was warped to the present to fight King
Ghidorah, his current self was in New Kirk City
with Anguirus enjoying a beautiful day in Middle
Park). Third, he never befriended a man named Mr.
Shindo; this is non-canon and based on a rather
fanciful story Gabara concocted about his return
to Earth following the Galactic Kaiju War (1976-1983).
A number of other misconceptions come from one Arnold
Johnson, who was the curator of the American Museum
of Natural History during the 1960s. He falsely
suggested that Godzilla's brain was approximately
the size of a peanut, that Godzilla's best character
in the Super Smash Bros. series was Jigglypuff,
that Godzilla didn't know the difference between
a viola and a violin, and that he was a cross between
a T. rex and a Stegosaurus. How Mr. Johnson knew
about the Super Smash Bros. series decades
before anyone else is a true mystery, but it doesn't
make his claims any less false. Jigglypuff was only
Godzilla's second best character, and that was only
in Super Smash Bros. Melee.
Godzilla's diet consists mainly of nuclear reactors...
We're just kidding, the man needs protein after
all! Godzilla is a fan of numerous exotic cuisines
but has a particular soft spot for palak paneer,
which he likes to wash down with a cold can of Dr.
Pepper. His favorite hobbies include playing video
games (his all-time favorite is Super Mario
World) and keeping his Dad out of trouble.
Some say that Godzilla's brother SpaceGodzilla was
the best man at his wedding. This is actually false,
as Biollante acted as her brother's best woman.
They're progressive like that.
Godzilla can be found living on Monster Island with
his wife and son. If you'd like to pay him a visit,
just remember to avoid stepping on his tail.
Godzillasaurus yamanei lagosensis (Terasawa,
Name: Sir Goro Arthur Saurus
Height: 35 meters
Mass: 8,000 tons
Powers: Giant Flyswatter,
Rarely-Used Kangaroo Kick
Human: Dr. Samuel J. Crumine
(look it up)
Confirmed Appearance: Gorosaurus
tiny little seven-and-a-half meter gorilla fought
an equally diminutive theropod in the early 1930's.
That was mere child's play! Gorosaurus has been
fighting massive monkeys on Mondo Island for many
moons (well, technically a massive ape,
but I was going for alliteration).
A year after Gorosaurus' ape-boxing career ended
in the late '60s, he retired to Monster Island and
opened his own sushi bar. Decades passed relatively
peacefully, with the Galactic Kaiju War (1976-1983)
proving to be only a minor distraction. On December
3rd, 2006, he returned home for some well-deserved
rest after a hard day's work. Then, he heard a buzzing.
Megaguirus, the monstrous dragonfly, had invaded
this silly saurian's bedroom. In a fit of ferocious
phobia, he grabbed his novelty flyswatter, and began
a long, long chase that would take him
through several toons.
His preferred meal of choice is the Wendy's Kids
Meal. His hobbies consist of "flyswatter badminton",
which he occasionally plays with his friend Baragon.
In an unusual twist, Gorosaurus and Megaguirus are
now happily married! Who would have guessed?
Gorosaurus mondoensis (Who, 1967)
Name: Hedorah Stewart Konigsberg
Height: 60 meters
Mass: 48,000 tons
Powers: Crimson Energy
Beam, Flying Form, Causticity
Human: Woody Allen
Confirmed Appearance: Political
the late 1890's, "mystery airships" were
reported throughout the western United States. Some
were bona fide UFO sightings while others were simple
misidentifications. Hedorah's flying form was among
the phenomena reported, for this visitor from afar
had stumbled upon his new favorite vacation destination,
Earth. A short while into his first visit, he journeyed
to Europe and discovered an underground tar pit
on the Italian Peninsula. Dubbing his discovery
the Konigsberg Subterranean Asphalt Lake, it quickly
became his favorite haunt. You must understand that
tar baths are considered a luxury by Hedorah's alien
race, which inhabits artificial satellites in orbit
around Cygnus X-1.
During his longest stay in the early twentieth century,
he attended the Komandorski Kaiju Boarding School
to further his education. Built in 1928 by Eleanor
Cthulhu, the institution's campus not only included
K-12, but also offered a progressive college dedicated
to enriching the minds of adult kaiju. Graduating
in 1936 with a degree in accounting, Hedorah shortly
thereafter became a member of the Kaiju Institute
of Certified Public Accountants (KICPA). Unfortunately,
he had trouble securing employment during the Great
Depression and returned to Cygnus X-1 for a few
more years. When World War II broke out, he rushed
back to Earth and fought alongside the Allies in
Europe. After V-E Day, he departed for home to rest.
A few years passed, and in late 1947, he once again
visited Earth, specifically his favorite underground
tar pit. This time, an unusual being emerged from
the bubbling goop. Kept alive by radioactive mutagenic
nanobots for 230 million years, the creature Gabara
had stepped into a strange new world. Taking the
unusual kaiju under his wing, Hedorah enrolled the
super ancient reptile in the K-12 program offered
by his old alma mater, the Komandorski Kaiju Boarding
During the 1950s and 1960s, Hedorah became a well-known
and well-respected CPA. He used his earnings to
purchase his very own business, the Cygnus Buffet
in Atlantic City. When Jimmy Kamacuras finished
setting up Monster Island in the late '60s, Hedorah
purchased his very own home on the isle and began
following the harrowing exploits of Godzilla. By
the time he met Godzilla in 1971, Hedorah had become
one of the nuclear saurian's biggest fanboys. Their
meeting inspired Hedorah to plan a run for the Monster
Island Congress, but he decided that he would wait
until 2006 in order to develop a solid rapport with
the Monster Island community. When 2004 arrived,
he decided to run a bit earlier than planned, due
to his popularity among fellow kaiju. Running under
the Kaijucratican ticket, he won the race against
the incumbent Seamonsterian, Congressman Gezora.
Shortly after the election, the Faux Xilien Invasion
began. He was drafted by the alien invaders, but
like most of the monsters, he had become a pacifist
and harbored very little interest in the aliens'
bid for conquest. He helped his fellow monsters
seek a peaceful and swift resolution to the conflict.
Two years came and went, and election time once
again found itself on Hedorah's doorstep. His opponent
this time was the wealthy Ebirah. The campaign started
jovially; Hedorah even caricatured himself in his
own ads as a bit of self-deprecating humor. Although
Ebirah desired a positive campaign as well, his
party ran a multitude of mudslinging ads without
his permission. In the end, it all boiled down to
this: Hedorah was the anti-plutocracy candidate,
while Ebirah was the anti-taxation candidate. The
election resulted in a tie, and since each candidate
earned at least one vote, they would share the seat
according to the rules of the Monster Island Constitution.
Though they were at opposite ends of the political
spectrum, they worked hand in hand to better Monster
Island by concentrating on bipartisan legislation
to help their constituents. After two years, they
both stepped down, and Hedorah began working as
an independent CPA. He continued to look after the
Cygnus Buffet, but eventually, he decided he wanted
more stable employment.
On March 5th, 2011, Hedorah responded to a help
wanted ad in the newspaper and soon became Captain
Battra's accountant aboard the airborne galleon,
the S.S. Bootylicious. Upon perusing the Bootylicious'
books, he quickly became suspicious of various piratelike
entries, but Battra ultimately convinced him that
there was nothing to be concerned about. His time
aboard the ship has been mostly peaceful, with one
notable exception. During the weekend of April 16th,
2011, he had a close call when the vessel almost
crashed. For reasons that may be too complicated
to explain here, an unlicensed kiwi was piloting
Hedorah's diet, contrary to popular misconception,
does not consist of pollutants. This was
a misunderstanding based on his fondness for the
"garbage plate", a local favorite of Rochester,
New York. An adherent of Messianic Judaism, he has
sometimes been accused of breaking dietary laws
by indulging in such foods. It should be pointed
out that the observance of kashrut is a
subject of continued debate among this religious
movement. Hedorah's hobbies consist of collecting
albums from his favorite artists (e.g. Yukio Keuchi)
and playing the occasional game of Battleship. He
also thoroughly enjoys flying the S.S. Bootylicious
when the captain is busy with some other pursuit.
A fan of current events, he always keeps his eyes
on the news.
Hedorah can be found living peacefully on Monster
Island, or traveling the world with Captain Battra.
If you'd like to reach him, remember not to make
any physical contact unless you're wearing a HazMat
suit. The kaiju of Cygnus X-1 are unusually caustic.
Pollutiorana extraterrestris (Cthulhu,
Height: 140 meters
Mass: 100,000 tons
(Count 'Em) Two Other Heads, Reviewing Movies,
Human: Mr. Lawrence
First Confirmed Appearance:
The Kaiju Kritics
Review Watchmen (2009)
full moon rises and a wolf appears from the furthest
reaches of somewhere to howl. Enter the 299,792,458th
coolest transformation sequence ever. Altering the
very genetic material of Monster
X, the power of keizer gives birth to a new Ghidorah...
a Keizer Ghidorah, if you will. Streamlined
with three heads, adorned with cerulean highlights,
and boasting relatively diminutive wings, there isn't
much to boast about, really. His personality barely
changes, and his unique prowess at reviewing movies
doesn't suffer whatsoever. Keizer Ghidorah is Monster
X and Monster X is Keizer Ghidorah. We should note
that there are some physical changes that occur during
- Doubling of power level.
- Deepening of the voice, with slight incidents
- Growth of new hair in places where hair was
not previously present.
- An increased interest in female kaiju.
- An aversion to health class.
When Keizer Ghidorah learns to embrace these changes
instead of shunning them, he too will become a man
Astromonstrum cryptotricephalus (Otonashi,
King Chaos Archibald Ghidorah V
Height: 100 meters
Wingspan: 150 meters
Mass: 30,000 tons
Beams, Flight at Mach 3, Sturdiness
First Confirmed Appearance:
are some who claim to have seen a rather well-educated
kaiju matching King Ghidorah's description during
the Galactic Kaiju War (1976-1983). This was a clever
ruse. In order to escape Darth Mechagodzilla's insatiable
wrath, Captains Destoroyah and Larva decided to
create an elaborate avatar utilizing state of the
art special effects to draw the ire of their sithy
commander. Voiced by Captain Gigan, the Ghidorah
avatar proved to be just the scapegoat that frightened
Imperial officers needed. Nevertheless, the design
for this unusual kaiju was based on a chaotic
creature that had been known throughout various
parts of the cosmos. There really was a King Ghidorah,
but he was far different...
Awakened by the Nebulans, King Ghidorah was once
a dormant organism encased in a rubylike crystal.
He proved to be untameable in the beginning, and
it was actually the Xiliens who were the first to
develop the technology necessary to control the
beast. In fact, it was this technological gap that
led to the end of the Alien Alliance by the early
'60s. The Controller of Planet X unleashed King
Ghidorah in what is now known to have been an Xilien
sneak attack in 1964, but he was swiftly vanquished
by the combined efforts of Godzilla, Rodan, and
a Mothra Larva. The following year, the Xiliens
revealed themselves to Planet Earth and clumsily
attempted a second onslaught, to no avail. With
an Xilien change in command, the creature's services
were retired for anything but self-defense for the
remainder of the decade. However, the Nebulans had
finally developed the level of technology required
to control the space dragon's mind. While the Xiliens
were on holiday during the better part of 1972,
the Nebulans attempted to conscript Ghidorah and
use him during their own Earth invasion campaign.
Godzilla, Anguirus, and a dissenting Gigan repelled
King Ghidorah, and the Xiliens recaptured the monster
and imposed temporary sanctions against Space Hunter
Nebula M. By 1974, battle armor was developed for
Ghidorah that essentially made him a Mecha-King
Ghidorah, as it were. Repelling the brief Black
Hole Alien Invasion of Planet X in 1974, Mecha-King
Ghidorah proved to be a valuable example of cyberorganic
In 1991, the Futurians tricked both the people of
Earth and Planet X into allowing them to rent Mecha-King
Ghidorah for a short while. When the Futurians showed
their true colors, the Xiliens used the Futurians
own time travel technology to send Miki Saegusa
into the past to convince Godzilla to buy a massive
pogo stick. This gave Godzilla enough time to retroactively
gain enough skill to use it as a weapon and subdue
Mecha-King Ghidorah in the present. With the Futurians
defeated, the Xiliens transported Mecha-King Ghidorah
back to Planet X. His battle armor was temporarily
In 1999, the Kilaaks rented the golden hydra, claiming
he was going to be used during an infrastructure
project in the asteroid belt. It turned out that
conquest was on the minds of yet another alien race.
Planet X managed to warn ten of Earth's monsters
ahead of time (in the midst of false reports of
their attacking major cities), and King Ghidorah
was quickly subdued. Alas, the battle was so savage
that the very Earth opened up and swallowed King
Ghidorah alive for two full years! Hirotoshi Isayama
was hired by Controller Namikawa of Planet X to
unearth the hapless hydra, and he was finally able
to escape back into space. King Ghidorah returned
to Planet X of his own free will, where he has since
gone into retirement.
King Ghidorah's diet consists of Three-Layer Lasagna,
Three-Layer Cake, and nonalcoholic Three-Layer Beverages.
His favorite hobby is knocking stuff over. Some
say that Ghidorah's three heads represent the Freudian
concepts of the id, the ego, and the superego. The
final verdict on this matter is inconclusive, not
because we're necessarily editorializing Freud's
theories, but instead because the idea of tying
King Ghidorah down for a psychological examination
would be an overwhelming challenge, to say the least.
King Ghidorah can currently be found living near
the equator of Planet X. If you'd like to visit
him, be sure to wear a Faraday suit.
Tricephalohydra aureolus rex (Murai, 1964)
Name: Grandpa Gojira
Height: 60 meters
Mass: 40,000 tons
Powers: Aside from
his full arsenal of space-age weaponry, Kiryu boasts
the power of being able to return a cup of coffee
at a fast food restaurant due to the possibility that
"some punk teenager" could've made it.
and 4th Favorite Humans: Red
Green, Master Roshi, and Mr. Six
Confirmed Appearance: KIRYU!!!!!!!
sporting a bucket cap!
... and complimentary-colored suspenders...
The peak of 20th century technology, Kiryu really
only wants a few things out of life: a nice place
to sit when he's in the park, a newspaper consisting
solely of the "funny pages", and a metal
detector for beachgoing entertainment.
In 1946, Little Gojira was transformed by the atomic
bomb into Big Gojira! He soon became enamored of
a lovely Cthulhu, and they had a child named Minilla.
After an accident during Minilla's kaiju training,
a heavily-scarred Gojira journeyed to Tokyo in 1954
to research his options for reconstructive surgery.
Humans, incapable of learning to live alongside
50-meter products of scientific folly (typical...),
contracted the services of a man by the name of
Dr. Serizawa. "One-Eyed Johnny", as Serizawa
was known among the scientific community, came up
with a splendid idea: "destroy all the oxygen
atoms without prejudice, and liquefy anything organic".
Dr. Serizawa decided to use this weapon against
the nuclear nuisance. After a split second, all
that remained were bones. Gojira's son, Minilla,
continued the legacy. Minilla eventually became
Godzilla, married a different Cthulhu, had a son
of his own, Little Godzilla.
Between 1955 and 1974, the Japanese government discovered
a way to turn Gojira's bones into a cyborg, and
guess what. He came back to life!
Kiryu (or "Grandpa Gojira" as he prefers)
acts very much like a kaiju who's been through a
lot, and he has a lot to share! His diet consists
mostly of bran and prune-based beverages. His hobbies
include yelling at televisions, talking to cashiers
(for three to four hours at a shot), fishing in
the Dead Sea (it's the exhilaration of a day on
the sea, don't ask him to show you any of his trophies),
returning cans he's found on the side of the road
for nickels, complaining about the high price of
WD-40, going berserk, and other related pastimes.
Some say his eyes glow red just before he has a
flashback. This is actually correct, and one would
highly recommend giving Grandpa Gojira some space
during these and similar episodes.
Kiryu could be found residing in the luxurious Daikaiju
Springs Nursing Home with his wife until very recently,
when they both suddenly remembered where they hid
their nest egg! They decided to purchase their own
cottage on the north end of Monster Island. Visit
Grandpa Gojira if you like, but let us warn you
of one thing. If he asks you to pull his finger,
don't... for the love of all that is decent, don't
pull his finger!
Godzillasaurus yamanei odoensis (Tabata,
Name: Niles D. Godzilla Jr.
Height: 30 meters
Mass: 8,000 tons
Powers: Heart of Gold
Human: Jimi Hendrix
Confirmed Appearance: Little
Godzilla's Public Service Announcement
the only available photo of Little Godzilla.
The chief reason photos of Little G are so
elusive is due to his protective dad, Godzilla,
who has been long opposed to the relentless and
infamous Ashinoko Paparazzi (which consists
mainly of Deutalios armed with a Sassio S880
Born on Adona Island to Ms. Cthulhu and her husband
Mr. Godzilla, Little Godzilla quickly grew in body
and spirit. From an early age, he was an impressionable
child. Luckily, his straight shooting friend Varan
kept him clear of mischief (e.g. the whole "prodigious
potion" fiasco). Little Godzilla soon discovered
the internet and decided it was about time to allow
his career as a rocker to finally take off! Donning
a purple wig and a grating Sharon Osbourne-esque
accent... he became a hit sensation in mid-2007
with his YouTube exclusive series: Little Godzilla's
Thrash Session. Despite winning the Cutest
Toho Monster Ever award (which was issued to
him solely by his ever-supporting mother), Little
Godzilla decided to abandon his YouTube channel
and focus on "just being a kid".
Little Godzilla's diet consists mainly of home-cooked
meals (like a big lump of mashed potatoes with a
smiley face made of gravy and a whipped butter nose).
Many people think that one of his main hobbies is
basketball. This is completely, categorically, and
undeniably false. He likes to play Gojiball...
which is a basketball variant somewhat like "Horse"...
but with the word "Goji" instead...
Little Godzilla has been known to occasionally visit
Birth Island. If you'd like to reach him, please
go through our mutual friend Ms. Miki Saegusa.
yamanei cthulhu (Saegusa, 1994)
Name: Tusky "Maguma"
Height: 50 meters
Mass: 25,000 tons
Powers: The Ability
to Say Things about Stuff
Human: Ron Burgundy
Confirmed Appearance: The
Third Annual Toho Kingdom Christmas Special III
epitomizes almost everything you could hope to be.
Born to King and Queen Waldorf of Marineland, young
Maguma was once known as Tusky Waldorf. As time
passed, Tusky realized he was no ordinary walrus.
The glowing green eyes were the first indication,
and then his eventual growth to 50 meters proved
to be a further curiosity. Eventually, Marineland
in Niagara Falls was no longer able to house him
(and Marineland in St. Augustine wasn't even about
to try), so he was released into the sea in 1981.
Immediately, he swam for the Antarctic, where he
slept for the better part of a year. When humanity
decided to alter the orbit of Planet Earth in 1982
(just to see if it could be done), Maguma awoke
from his slumber and asked: "Hey, what's the
big deal?" Because humans are prone to be unfriendly
toward giant walruses (macroödobeniphobia),
Maguma was fired upon, so he said: "You guys
are mean; I'm going to the Arctic!"...
... which is where he resides to this day.
Maguma is a lacto-ovo vegetarian, which means he
can eat almost anything, except meat. He does make
an exception for tube worm sandwiches. His main
hobbies consist of singing the Marineland theme,
narrating anything upon which he can get his hands,
and watching movies alongside the Kaiju Kritics
(as an interesting side note, he tried out a German
accent in his first Kaiju Kritics appearance so
as to confound and confuse the audience... but he
became weary of the deception and now you hear his
true voice). One misconception about Maguma is that
his self-imagined nickname derives from the term
for subterranean, molten rock. This is not true;
it actually derives from his love of magazines that
feature Uma Thurman.
Thurman = Maguma
The Arctic Circle is Maguma's current home, although
he is considering remodeling it into a triangle...
like what they did down in Bermuda.
Macroödobenus antarcticus (Tazawa,
Mass: 0.0045 tons
Human: Will Arnett
Confirmed Appearance: Ilex
A scientific expedition to Guyana was launched in
July of 1994 to investigate rumors of a new species.
The creature had long been reported, but was often
dismissed as a mirage. Unfortunately, the pocket-sized
monster was captured on July 5th and transported
back to Kanto for further study.
Prior to a series of incidents that rendered the
island uninhabitable in the late '90s, Mew was secretly
held captive in a mansion on Cinnabar Island. Fortunately,
the creature found a means to escape prior to the
disastrous incident that resulted in the mansion's
destruction on September 1st, 1995. Though it disappeared
for several years, Professor Oak came into possession
of photographic proof and DNA evidence from the
expedition and officially described Embryofelis
guyanensis, or Mew as it was nicknamed shortly
after its capture.
Scattered reports trickled in for a few years, but
without any solid leads, interest in the case ran
cold. Eventually, the fetus-like feline made itself
again known to the world in 2003. Little did anyone
realize that it had been gathering an immense amount
of power, enough to match even the likes of a daikaiju.
To prevent trophy seekers from risking life and
limb to pursue this enigmatic rarity, Mew was declared
a protected species by the end of 2003.
Living a mostly solitary lifestyle, Mew was rarely
sighted until 2011, when it finally met a kindred
spirit in Celebi and became her ally during the
Dimension Tide Wars (2011-2012). Even after the
conflict's resolution, Mew continued to stand by
Celebi as her greatest friend and ally.
Mew's diet consists of such culinary delights as
Rare Candy Calzones and beverages from the Rooftop
Square vending machines in the Celadon Department
Store. Its favorite hobbies include reading, writing,
and being super adorable. Some say that Mew can
learn just about anything. This is only mostly
true, as it fully admitted to having just as much
trouble as the rest of us programming VCR displays
during the '90s.
Mew can be found living in and around Cerulean City,
sometimes appearing to people who experience minor
teleportation glitches. Contrary to an old legend,
it never hangs out on, in, or under that abandoned
truck parked near Vermillion Harbor.
Embryofelis guyanensis (Oak, 1996)
Nyota Uhura Mille
Height: 120 meters
Mass: 60,000 tons
Knowledge of Star Trek, Buzzsaw Belly, 2012 WoW Arena
World Champion, Speaks Fluent "Faux Xilien"
and Conversational Klingon
Human: Leonard Nimoy
Confirmed Appearance: Woo
ten thousand years ago, the geuns Gigantopullus
represented a nomadic race of cybernetic avian creatures
who searched the cosmos for pursuits that interested
them. One member of their species found her way to
Earth, where she befriended a giant lepidopteran kaiju
named Mothra. They often wrote short stories and novels
to pass the time, until a period of great volcanic
upheaval around 7911 B.C. In the ensuing chaos, both
Mothra and the Gigantopullus sought shelter
underground where they entered hibernation. Mothra
awoke from her slumber during the 20th century due
to the use of a 3-megaton proton bomb by the Shobijin.
The Gigantopullus was discovered by renowned
paleontologist Hachiro Jinguji in A.D. 2004. She was
still hibernating when the Faux Xilien Invasion began.
The Faux Xiliens realized that the sleeping Gigantopullus
would be a great asset in their campaign for conquest.
They revived the cyborg and renamed her Millennium
Gigan, as a means to differentiate her from the other
Gigantopullus who was living on Earth at
the time. Like most Faux Xilien's draftees, she lacked
a fundamental interest in the invasion and helped
the other conscripted kaiju pursue a peaceful alternative
to end the war. After the alien invaders retreated,
she began to absorb every nerdy pursuit the modern
world had to offer. She had a particular fascination
with Star Trek, and wrote several awardwinning fan
fics (e.g. Captian Sulu Aboard the Excelsior)
and illustrated an abundance of breathtaking fan art.
Her less nerdy interests included working on cars,
playing the Gears of War series, and accessorizing
her claws with working chainsaws. On January 22nd,
2011 she met her soulmate, Gigan. On May 19th, 2012,
they were married.
Millennium Gigan's diet consists partially of Cliché
Brand Choclates and Bacon-Blasted Nachos. Her favorite
hobbies are writing fan fics and illustrating fan
art... oh, and playing World of Warcraft for hours...
and hours... and hours on end. Some people
have come to the false conclusion that Millennium
Gigan and Gigan are actually the same kaiju. This
one can be cleared up with a simple rhetorical question,
have you ever seen anyone marry themself?
Millennium Gigan lives with Gigan on Monster Island.
She often visits the East End of London to brush up
on her favorite Earth dialect.
ferrarostra millennium (Jinguji, 2004)
Height: 120 meters
Mass: 60,000 tons
Movies, Gravity Beams
Human: Mr. Lawrence
Confirmed Appearance: Monster
X's Transmission of Doom!
sentient, suspicious star named Gorath hurdled through
the vast reaches of space for eons until it came
within dangerous proximity of the planet Earth.
When it encountered Godzilla's thermonuclear heat
ray, Gorath exploded and changed into Monster X.
Timing couldn't be worse, for the Faux Xilien invasion
was well underway. Halfheartedly, Monster X joined
the invading aliens, but quickly accepted Godzilla's
Monster X and Gorosaurus became roommates for a
while, and the former tried his hand making videos
where he held the world for ransom. When that failed,
he decided to attend a taping of Obscure Monster
Chat, where he began to collaborate on a project
with Gabara that would ultimately become Kaiju Kritics!
In a few short years, he not only found himself
married to Biollante, but was also taking care of
their daughter from an alternate future (Celebi)
and her counterpart from our timeline (Serebii).
Monster X's hobbies include amateur filmmaking,
square-dancing, movie reviewing, and various other
wholesome activities. His all-time favorite food
is the humble turkey leg, and his all-time favorite
dessert is the not-so-humble banana split.
Monster X lives in a villa with Biollante, Celebi,
and Serebii on Monster Island. He can be contacted
via email at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Feel free to email him! Go on! Go ahead!
Astromonstrum cryptotricephalus (Otonashi,
Height: 3,776 meters
to Erupt, Snow-Capped Peak, Awe-Inspiring Majesty
Human: Masahiko Shimizu
Confirmed Appearance: Sexy
postcards and stock photographs around the world,
Mount Fuji is the ubiquitous mascot for the Land
of the Rising Sun. It wasn't until 1974 when a certain
man by the name of Masahiko Shimizu was instructed
by a frustrated Professor Hideto Miyajima to "look
out the window and stare at Mt. Fuji for a while"
that the mountain finally revealed its anthropomorphic
visage and extended a humble request for friendship.
For you see, Mount Fuji, like other volcanoes of
the world (e.g. Mount Kilimanjaro, Mount Vesuvius,
and the Yellowstone Caldera), had become very lonely
after years of inactivity. And Masahiko, like other
supporting characters in Godzilla movies (e.g. Hiroshi
Jinkawa, Takashi Shima, and the Yellowstone Caldera)
also became very lonely after a time of inactivity.
As such, the two joined forces and fought crime
in the Shizuoka and Yamanashi Prefectures (exclusively).
It was a buddy movie that practically wrote itself,
and it did. The script also submitted itself to
several prominent directors.
Mount Fuji's diet consists mainly of the asthenosphere.
Its favorite hobby was once the act of volcanic
eruption, but it tired of that in the early 18th
century (1707-1708 AD to be precise). Some say that
Mount Fuji's decisions can best be described as
ingenious! This is a common error, as its
decisions can actually best be described as igneous!
Mount Fuji lives in the Chuubu region, just west
of Tokyo. You can visit if you'd like, but Mount
Fuji will be far less likely to visit you. You know...
because it's a mountain.
Archaeomontanus sapiens (Shimizu, 1974)
Mr. Grey Poupon
Mass: .0168 tons
Human: Stanton T. Friedman
Confirmed Appearance: The
Kaiju Kritics: UFOs, Aliens, and You
Responsible for Kenneth A. Arnold's famous UFO sighting
in 1947, Mr. Poupon is a high-profile Grey with
a delightfully friendly disposition (although his
preference for intense telepathic communication
can be a bit unnerving at times).
Born in the Zeta 2 Reticuli system, Mr. Poupon was
always a bit of a rebel. At an early age, he realized
that he wanted to move to Earth, specifically the
Great Basin Desert. So, he simply packed up his
things and left in his Class 7 Saucer, which he
dubbed Charlene. Retrofitted with the best
gravity amplifiers that he could buy from the Hopkinsville
Goblins, it has proven to be a remarkable vessel
that has consistently avoided capture by Earth's
militaries. He does have to return home to Zeta
Reticuli for the occasional refueling, but this
has given him an excellent opportunity to conduct
trade with high-demand Sol commodities that he has
collected from Earth (e.g. grape soda). This has
proven to be quite lucrative, which allows him to
pursue his expensive hobby of collecting various
types of interstellar spacecraft.
The NavCom aboard Charlene has been programmed
with cutting edge spatiotemporal manipulation algorithms,
allowing Mr. Poupon to travel through space, time,
and dimension. He has often visited Earth's past,
where he even met a young Gabara (when he was still
a Tanystropheus during the Triassic Period, that
is). One of Mr. Poupon's favorite interdimensional
destinations is an alternate universe where the
Earth's Mesozoic and Cenozoic Eras are flipped.
Despite all of his seemingly constant traveling,
he really does prefer our here and now.
A sociopolitical activist, he has made several appearances
on Coast to Coast AM to discuss personal
causes, such as his support for anti-smoking legislation.
Due to his preference for telepathy, he speaks almost
exclusively through an interpreter during such appearances.
Mr. Poupon's diet consists mostly of fruit-on-the-bottom
yogurt; he just can't get enough of the stuff! His
hobbies include telepathic Sprechgesang set to the
melodious Scruggs style tunes he tickles out of
his Deering banjo. He also likes older AM radio
that has traveled through space for a few light
years, and his ships are equipped with very powerful
receivers that practically render inverse-square
law a nonissue. A strong adherent of Christianity
(as evidenced by the Ichthys on his favorite flying
saucer), he has spread the Word throughout space
Mr. Poupon can be found living in the Great Basin
Desert. If you'd like to reach him, just flag him
down when he flies overhead. He's an upbeat kind
of alien; you'd like him!
Ravus extraterrestris (Friedman, 1978)
Confirmed Appearance: Squeegee
of the most cryptic denizens of Monster Island is
an entity known simply as Radian X-7. Here's what
we know: it's a sphere of some sort, and it's sentient.
Everything else is pretty much up in the air. Several
complicated theories have been proposed to explain
its origin, but none of the answers satisfy all
of the questions. M-theory may hold the key to its
existence, but we must stress that it is still far
too early to tell for certain.
Radian X-7's diet consists of some unknown form
of nourishment. Its favorite hobby also remains
yet to be identified, if such a being even possesses
a hobby as we understand it. Some have argued that
Radian X-7 is a 7-dimensional hypersphere; however,
this may be completely inaccurate as we are only
capable of comprehending a minute fraction of its
Radian X-7 can be found floating around Monster
Island, but it is only witnessed on exceedingly
rare occasions. Although it is said to communicate
with the monsters, even they're baffled about specifics.
Sphera caerulea (Konigsberg, 2011)
Name: Lilithe and Minerva Silkwurmen
Height: .1524 meters
Mass: .0005 tons
Glowing Eyes, Telepathy, The Shobijin Shocker
3rd Favorite Humans: The Olsen
Confirmed Appearance: Softboiled
can be struck into the hearts of men in many ways.
Some fear guns, others fear pointy things, and still
others fear Carrot Top... but only one creature
can strike such a chord, that all who hear the plural
proper noun to follow this increasingly suspenseful
sentence (and the accompanying colon) will undoubtedly
wet their rubber pants: fairies! Fairies are scary,
dude... and none are quite so scary as the Shobijin.
Long ago, like, almost a thousand years ago... the
Shobijin were the dominant race on the planet. However,
due to their diminutive height, many were unable
to adjust to the expansion of the much taller, heavier-footed
humans. So, they fled to Infant Island. There, they
were forced to confront a tribe of enormous Infant
Alligators, the reptilian race for whom the island
was so named. It was a bloodless coup, and the gators
were forced to journey to a more peaceful and inviting
land known as Florida. Meanwhile, the vampire plants
and near-skeletal turtles of Infant Island were
still a major problem. Therefore, the Shobijin gathered
a following of yuppie refugees from Tokyo who gladly
donned red makeup (for effect). They helped the
fairies build a 3-megaton proton bomb. The immensely
powerful explosive device was designed to rid the
island of the vampire plants, but sadly the explosion
was too great, and it awoke a denizen of the subterranean
Mothra was, at that time, a single caterpillar,
but her power was unsurpassed. She surveyed the
now half-damaged isle, filled with sadness. Meanwhile,
another monster by the name of Butterflyra appeared
on the other side of Infant Island for no apparent
reason. The thinly-thoraxed, featherless antennaed
abomination angered the Shobijin, and the thicker-thoraxed
Mothra forced Butterflyra to flee the island. The
true masterminds behind this act of war were the
Shobijin fairies, for they convinced Mothra that
Butterflyra was to blame for the dreadful state
of Infant Island... and Mothra believed them, because
they had notarized documents to prove it. They were
Eventually, Mothra unraveled the web of lies and
confronted the Shobijin. Mothra apologized to Butterflyra
and now keeps a more careful eye on her fairy friends...
... and that brings us to today! The diet of the
Shobijin consists hugely of decaying carcasses,
rotting tomatoes, and smashing pumpkins. Their main
hobby is kicking butt and taking names. It was once
believed that the Shobjin enjoyed toying with their
victims before they made their finishing move...
this has since been proven false, as they never
tend to quite make that finishing move.
The Shobijin currently reside on Infant Island (aka
Mothra's Island), which they have rented out to
numerous yay-for-profit organizations... such as
Gerber and Pampers. If you'd like to visit the Shobjin
fairies, be sure to write your will in advance.
Homo minimus (Chujo, 1961)
Name: Kame no Gaikotsu
Height: 1 meter
Mass: .25 tons
Powers: Kinda Creepy,
A Little Nuts, Shell
Human: Jack Nicholson
First Confirmed Appearance:
The Kaiju Kritics
Meet the Skeleturtle
Voiced By: Chris
extent do the words: "Welcome boys... to your
doom!" make you want to cry for your Mommy?
Kame no Gaikotsu, or as his friends call him, the
"Skeleturtle", is all kinds of creepy
wrapped in one pale, sunlight-deprived package.
Originally a traveler of the South Pacific currents,
Skeleturtle stopped off at Infant Island to rest
his bones decades ago. Then, the Shobijjin detonated
their 3-megaton proton bomb.
Afterwards, he became pale and dubiously proclaimed
himself to be a walking skeleton. The radiation
from the blast led to him developing an unusual
power: instant guitar playing skills. Eventually
forced off the island by the Shobijin, he plays
at a number of seedy and not-so-seedy establishments,
and can be seen on those annoying video display
screens at the Hard Rock Cafe. When his hit solo
Dude, Seriously, Don't Make Me Come Over There
and his follow-up Come On, Seriously, I'm Not
Joking won him a total of 10 Grammies (don't
ask us how), he decided to retire. He frequently
makes up stories in order to gain some semblance
of pity, which he immediately destroys with his
manic mood swings. It might be hormonal, or it might
be just for show. At any rate, this dude is weird.
The Skeleturtle's diet consists mainly of mineral
water, honey, and white diamond truffles wrapped
in edible gold leaf. His main hobby is coming up
with lists of potential hobbies. It is sometimes
believed that the Skeleturtle is now completely
skeletal. This is actually very far from the truth;
have you ever seen a turtle skeleton? And have you
ever seen one blink? Watch the Infant Island arrival
scene in Mothra
vs. Godzilla (1964) and zoom in; you'll
see! You'll all see!
Skeleturtle can be found living in Southern California.
Stop by to hear some sweet licks, and perhaps he'll
even let you leave!
Caretta skeletos (Chujo, 1961)
Name: Bartholomew Jason Titanosaurus
Height: 60 meters
Mass: 30,000 tons
Tail, Catchy Voice, Salesmanship
Human: Henry Ford
First Confirmed Appearance:
local used car salesman... is there anyone in the
entire world in whom you can place more trust? Titanosaurus
was once the amazing discovery of the brilliant
Dr. Mafune about 15 years prior to 1975. Unfortunately,
Dr. Mafune's fellow scientists regarded his claims
of discovering an extinct archosaur as lunacy, despite
the glaring fact that Godzilla, Anguirus, and Rodan
were already confirmed by 1960.
Failing to win over Grandpa Gojira, Titanosaurus
went into hiding in 1975. He took on several odd
jobs in the coming years. Some sighted a rather
tall and scaly lounge singer in Reno. Still others
claimed to have witnessed a red, reptilian door-to-door
salesman in Albuquerque. There were still other
sightings of a semi-aquatic dinosaur running a convenient
mart in New Brunswick. The total sum of these short-lived
jobs is ultimately irrelevant; he has indeed found
his true calling: selling used cars. Carrying the
latest assortment of Ford Pintos, he has carved
himself a niche that cannot be undermined (even
by the most boisterous of Hyundai dealers).
Titanosaurus' diet consists primarily of steaks.
His personal favorite is a medium-rare 12-ouncer
with all the fixings. His main hobby is haggling
prices that he has purposely set far higher than
the accepted market value. It was once believed
that Titanosaurus had the most annoying roar of
all kaiju. This has since been challenged by another
Titanosaurus resides off the shore of Japan. If
you'd like to reach him, make him an offer!
Haliotitanosaurus mafunei (Ichinose, 1975)
Name: Varan Julio Baradagi
Height: 10 meters
Mass: 60 tons
Powers: Giving Advice,
Political Commentary, Taking Breaks
Human: Leslie Knope
Confirmed Appearance: Little
Godzilla's Public Service Announcement
of red-trimmed off-white butterflies were found
living in Siberia, despite the fact that their native
habitat is Japan...
This led scientists to wonder: "Who cares?"
Varan was born near Kitami in Hokkaido. When he
became too large and too heavy for the local schools
to accommodate, he and his family moved to Monster
Island. A posh school in Connecticut did have enough
acreage to accommodate the boy, but due to the fact
that his maximum airspeed is Mach 1.5, it would
have taken a while to make the entire trip. Fortunately,
Montgomery Scott's transporter solved this minor
When he is at home on Monster Island, he
tends to hang out with his buddy Little Godzilla
at the playground. A straight shooting kind of a
guy, Varan tends to get his friend out of numerous
pickles (for example, the "prodigious potion"
incident and that one time that Little Godzilla
clicked on one of those "You're a Winner!"
banner advertisements). While Little Godzilla brushed
with fame on YouTube back in '07, Varan broke into
the amateur political punditry game on the 24-hour
T.K.-MBC News Channel. To make some extra
spending capital, Varan holds down a management
position at Beast Buy. There's not much to say here
except that his video game records are
posted in the break room.
Varan's diet consists of cheeses... often the ones
that reek the worst. His hobbies include Gojiball,
NPR, video games, chess, and oggling older ladies
(due to his raging hormones). Some people claim
that Varan dislikes being called a "triphibian";
however, he has been quoted as saying: "I don't
know how it can be an insult if it's neither
offensive nor misleading... "
Varan can be found at 958 Itami Avenue on Monster
Island, and sometimes in Wisconsin (that cheese
Dracovaranus patagium (Sugimoto, 1958)
Name: Zilla Jira Igino
Height: 60 meters
Mass: 500 tons
Powers: Like, Really
Fast on His Feet; Pungent Halitosis
Human: Matthew Broderick
Confirmed Appearance: Fish-Eaters
hundred and forty-first child of two hundred, Zilla
was always considered unique. From an early age,
he often perplexed others due to his heavy accent.
It wouldn't be so out-of-the-ordinary, but it doesn't
even sound like he's from New York City.
Around the time of the Faux Xilien Invasion of 2004
(codenamed: Operation Cattle Driver), Zilla
was drafted into intergalactic service to wreak
havoc on Sydney, Australia. His primary objective:
steal the didgeridoos and challenge random strangers
to knife-sizing competitions. Ironically, those
very actions made him a national hero, and every
May 19th in Sydney is now considered Zilla Day.
After the Faux Xiliens inevitably failed (they're
not quite as awesome as the real Xiliens), Zilla
bid a fond farewell to Sydney and made his way to
Hudson Bay, where he developed a gripping fish addiction
within the first week. By the second week, he was
in Fish-Eaters Anonymous. Since week three, he has
been completely fish free!
Zilla's main diet consists of TV dinners and the
trays they're packaged in. There is the occasional
fish stick, but we suspect that those are actually
made of processed algae. The turf to his now occasional
surf, the gyro is also one of his favorite foods.
Zilla's main hobbies consist of track-and-field
and hide-and-seek. Some people say that Zilla keeps
an iguana as a pet, to which he has been known to
respond: "Yer seriours? Do
you peorple keep orther peorple
as perts?!?" A translation is on its
Zilla currently resides in Toronto, where he has
been known to climb the CN Tower... just for the
fun of it.
Leptogigas tatopoulosi (Chapman, 1998)