I'm a Toho...and I'm a Daiei

[SoleMan]

I’m a Toho and I’m a Daiei.

We open on a white background, with Godzilla and Gamera standing there.

They stand in silence for a bit, before Gamera clears his throat and says: ugh…I’m a Daiei?

Close up on Godzilla as he takes a cigar out of his mouth, puffing out a cloud of smoke before muttering: And I’m from Toho.

Gamera; Well, it’s about freakin’ time! You sent all your little goons to bother me, while you sat in some kind of high tower, afraid to face me yourself!

Godzilla: Yeah I sent ‘em…and they kicked your ass, didn’t they?

Gamera: Ugh…no…

Godzilla: Ugh-hun. That’s what I thought. Tell me something Gamera: What’s it like having no friends?

Gamera: What? I have plenty of friends…

Godzilla: Who? I’ve never seen you have an ally in a movie, the only people who even stand up for you are the government…whom you should be stomping on anyway. So what gives man?

Gamera: Well, what about all the kids?

Godzilla: Oh yeah, a grown turtle hanging out with a bunch of little kids, that’s completely normal.

Gamera: You hang out with kids too. What about that pilsbury doughboy you keep around? Minya, or Minilla, or whatever stupid name he’s got…

Godzilla: That’s my son.

Gamera: How could you even have a son? I’ve never exactly met Lady-zilla. Have met Lady Kong though…she’s a…handful.

Godzilla: Lady Kong’s a whore. And both Minya and Jr. are from an old girlfriend of mine…went the way of the do-do bird…

Gamera: Whoa, that sounds dark, edgy, and relatable. Too bad Minya once hung out with…you guessed it, a kid! A little kid too…like you were trying to steal my audience and—

Godzilla: Your audience isn’t the only thing I stole.

Gamera: What? Oh maaaaan, you wanna go there? At least I can keep in continuity.

Godzilla: At least I had five more films released back then.

Gamera: Yeah, but your fans hated them. I get respect, wherever I go.

Godzilla: I get money for nothing, and chicks for free.

Gamera: …What?

Godzilla: How many photos of you are circling around the internet, cavorting with young women? None? I thought as much. You’re very thought-inspiring.

Gamera: Well, I never had a big budget remake in AMERICA that totally bombed and is considered to be one of the worst movies ever made.

Godzilla: I never had Siskel and Ebert say they preferred one of your movies to one of mine.

Gamera: Yeah, but Ebert said your original movie was garbage.
They stand in silence for a moment, before Godzilla says: Excuse me?

Gamera: Yeah, he said Gojira was dated and not really worth anybody’s time. He said the effects were garbage compared to what they have today.

They stand in silence for a bit more, while Gamera waves his arms and says: Hey, Goji? Man? Are you okay? Say something buddy!

Godzilla pulls out a cell-phone, holding it up to his ear and saying: Hey Jennie? Get me a plane ticket to New York, stat.

Godzilla makes a move to exit, before he does so saying: Hey, Gamera, I gotta go, but before I do, let me give you some career advice, one professional to another. Y’know, just the big guy trying to help the little guy along in life.

Gamera: Yeah?

Godzilla: Hang yourself. Soon.

Godzilla walks away, leaving Gamera to stare after him for a beat, before fading to black, where we hear him say: I might do that you know!

Okay, That's what I wanted to do. I got a couple more ideas, if you want to read them...If anybody wants to, you have my permission to write your own.

I had a fun time writing them, and I hope you enjoyed them.

[UltramanGoji]

I'm seriously contemplating filming these shorts with Bandai figures while using these scripts. I could substitute talking with monster roars and subtitles.

[Kiryu2012]

^Please do that. I'd like to see Anguirus arguing with Jiger.

[Godzilla1703]

Do it, that would be so epic. I see Anguirus and Barugon arguing.

[UltramanGoji]

Of course, I would have to get certain figures (i.e. Gyaos, Jiger, and Barugon) and know someone who would be willing to post the videos on their YouTube Channel.

[Godzilla1703]

Do it, i see Anguirus arguing with Barugon

[UltramanGoji]

Do it, i see Anguirus arguing with Barugon

..Yes...I know... you posted the same thing already...

[Godzilla1703]

Oh srry the z1st time i typed the message in and hit send the internet froze

I thought it didn't send .-.

[UltramanGoji]

Oh srry the z1st time i typed the message in and hit send the internet froze

I thought it didn't send .-.

Oh ok. I thought we had a case of Deja Vu here.

[SoleMan]

Of course, I would have to get certain figures (i.e. Gyaos, Jiger, and Barugon) and know someone who would be willing to post the videos on their YouTube Channel.

I'd gladly post them. (They are my scripts, after all...)

I was thinking of having Baragon argue with Barugon for some weird reason.

If you want more, I'll happily type them up.

[Rody]

SoleMan, do you have any of the Revoltech or Monsterarts figures? After all those would be perfect for this.


I still say these are too crass, though. I can see Godzilla being cranky (& I think Gyaos would be a better choice for a "jerk" character), but Mothra and Gamera should sound more polite.

[SoleMan]

SoleMan, do you have any of the Revoltech or Monsterarts figures? After all those would be perfect for this.


I still say these are too crass, though. I can see Godzilla being cranky (& I think Gyaos would be a better choice for a "jerk" character), but Mothra and Gamera should sound more polite.

I agree, I agree...I might edit them. Gamera should be a like a drunk, though. He's fallen on hard times and only agreed to do these because he gets a chance to rail on Godzilla. I meant to make Mothra nice, but one thing just lead to another (I didn't draft these, I polished them a little bit and threw them on here) Rodan was supposed to seem indifferent, Ghidroah was a complete jerk, and Gyoas might be an ass to anybody else, but he was soooo scared of Ghidorah that he couldn't say anything. Mechagodzilla should've seemed more robotic, explaining everything in real technical terms, and misunderstanding emotional problems.

I'm a lazy writer, sue me.

[Rody]

Depending on the version of Mechagodzilla, an arrogant personality could be fitting.

Rodan is fine, in my opinion.

I see your reasoning behind the Ghidorah/Gyaos interaction. Personally, I think Ghido should a bit psychotic; you know, a few aliens short of an invasion force.

I also see your point about Gamera; as for Mothra, she's probably closest to Gamera in character among Toho kaiju, so these two should probably be able to relate the best.
Actually, pretty much ALL the kaiju have fallen on hard times; they're past their prime, so to speak. Gamera, on the other hand, may not have HAD much of a prime in the first place.


I apologize if I'm being too critical; I do like these, and just wanted to share my thoughts. I look forward to seeing more.

[SoleMan]

You're alright. I don't get much review for any of my work, so it's nice to hear a new voice.

I forgot to mention that the Goji himself should be bored, like he's go better things to do, which I think I captured well. If Ultraman Goji wants to film them, I can revise the scripts.

Writer's Mantra: Everything can be fixed with Drafting!

[SoleMan]

Back by somewhat popular demand, I present to you: The Baragon Vs. Barugon episode of Toho/Daiei!

I’m a Toho and I’m a Daiei ep…whatever.

We open on a plain white background, with Baragon and Barugon standing in front of it.

Baragon: Hi, I’m a Toho…

Barugon: And I’m a Daiei. It’s good to see you man. We haven’t met up since the after-party of Destroy all Monsters. Dude, that was back in the 60s!

Baragon looks at him for a moment, then ventures: Why in Hell am I doing this? You have got to be the most embarrassing Monster ever to come out of Japan.

Barugon: Oh no I’m not! Or haven’t you heard of Megalon?

Baragon:…Even if Megalon wasn’t a total bad-ass, you’d make him look like GOD, and then you’d die of embrassment. You’re little more than a total copy of me! I mean, blatantly! They couldn’t even be bothered to come up with an original name. How’d that meeting go? “Hey guys, Toho just came out with a rockin’ new monster that’s tearing up the box-office! It’s name is Baragon!” “Well, we need to imitate it! Let’s see…BaRUgon! Yeah, that’s a million dollar idea!”

Barugon: You don’t have to be mean about it…

Baragon: Oh yes I do! For Christ’s sake, I shoot Fire and what do you shoot? Ice! You shoot Friggin’ Ice! It blows my mind to no end how derivative you are!

Barugon: Ice ain’t the only thing I shoot…

Baragon: Oh no I almost forgot! You shoot rainbows out your back! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That has got to be…the gayest super-power since gay came to gay town! I guess, really, Goji never had the balls to take on someone like that…he was probably afraid they’d end up in San Franscico together…

Barugon: Mechagodzilla I&II shot rainbows…

Baragon: Yeah, but they made it look bad-ass. You didn’t.

Barugon: At least I didn’t get killed in the first five minutes of my movie. Or get cheated out of a destruction scene. Those scientists really know their stuff.

Baragon: At least I had sequels.

Barugon: So? Sequels aren’t that great…

Baragon: You can’t judge what you don’t have.

They sit in silence for minute, before Barugon begins bawling his reptilian eyes out.


Barugon: Why? Why do we all have to be so mean? Why can’t we just get along?

Baragon: What’re you—

Barugon: I mean, Our movies sucked, okay? Why do you have to rub it in? Why do you have to—

Baragon: Oh, to Hell with this!

Baragon turns his head and blasts Barugon with a heat ray, fading to black before the flame goes out.

Barugon: Hey! I think you melted my face!

The Emperor: You get used to it.

[Rody]

Ehhh... I'm not sure about this one. I guess I was imagining something very different, like this meeting being the FIRST these two have had, resulting in major name confusion.


I notice the Toho kaiju have a tendency to be really nasty....

[SoleMan]

Okay, I'm here trying to salvage what's left of my fan-fiction career. This one came to me because of a certain FM:

I’m a Toho and I’m a Daiei…Episode: ULTIMATE DESTRUCTION!

We open on a white background, with Spacegodzilla and Legion standing there.

Spacegodzilla: Hi, I’m a Toho…

Legion: …And I’m a Daiei. Say, is this really an appropriate match-up?

Spacegodzilla: Well, it was either you or Space Gyoas, and nobody wants that…

Legion: I guess you’re right. Though my movie made twice as much as yours…It seems unfair to compare them.

Spacegodzilla: Hey! I went on to sell hundreds of thousands of toys, and have several releases in America, where the real money is made! What did you do, get some DVD that nobody ever saw?

Legion: At least I didn’t get some half-assed double feature, but I don’t need this crap. I’ve got a thousand kids at home screaming for food. If you want to kidnap them like John Wayne Gacy, be my guest.

Spacegodzilla: At least I only kidnapped the child of my sworn enemy. Nothing like that pervert Grand King Ghidorah did…*shudder*

Legion: I don’t know what’s worse: That you were able to victimize something so innocent, or that they put something so cutesy in a Godzilla movie. He’s supposed to be the ultimate bad-ass, right? Just thank God they didn’t go through with the TV show!

Spacegodzilla: At least Goji never flew around like a…oh wait…well, at least he never wasted Olympic potential. Why are we arguing about our heroes? We’re supposed to be two of the meanest mother-f*ckers around, and this is the best we can come up with?

Legion: Well, I have been feeling a little hormonal…Me and Mr. Legion are trying for another hundred.

Spacegodzilla: Well, I’m sure that’s the best way to fix a failing marriage, but I have a planet that needs conquering, I really don’t have time for this.

Legion: Hey, I want to conquer the planet too!

Spacegodzilla: Well, you would look good in a swim-suit, but I see what you’re trying to do: Succor me in with your feminine wiles, and within a few years have me arrested for not paying my child-support. I’m having that happen to me…not again!

Legion:…Again?

Spacegodzilla: It’s a stupidly long story, and the wench is semi-dead. My movie may have sucked, but I went on to be a fan favorite. Can you say that, or did Iris show you up?

Legion: At least I don’t get tossed around in FMs with Destoryah—

Spacegodzilla: (before she finished her last sentence) No, don’t say his na—

Destroyer lands on top of Legion, facing down a wide-eyed Spacegodzilla.

Destroyer: Destoryah Smash!

Spacegodzilla: Oh, Hell…

Destroyer rams into Spacegodzilla, running him off screen, causing the image to shake, rattle, roll, bonk up and down, and have sound effects issue from the side.

The screen goes dark, and the words “One viewing of Peter Jackon’s King Kong later…” appear.

Legion is sitting at table, drinking a cup of coffee, listening to the noise which is still going on.

Legion: Are you idiots done yet?

The camera pans over to reveal a fan sitting there, who taps her on the shoulder.

Fan: Listen lady: It’ll never end.

The Screen goes dark, hesitating for a few seconds while the noises continue