This is to date my most popular South Park fanfic - so I figured I'd post it here and see how people react. I'll post more of my stuff here if people like. If not, oh well. I wrote this February 14th - April 29th, 2011, so some references are outdated, and the detail isn't quite as nice as in my newer stuff.
Lots of help was given from my co-writers Mad_Cow5678, Mutt13, Shane Haughey and NoseBridgePinch.
"Randy Marsh!" Sharon Marsh stood in her pajamas - which, to her husband's regret, were actually quite baggy - with half-lidded, blue eyes staring with anger at her husband, her brown hair wild and her arms crossed.
"I said I was sorry!" Randy said, hands together. He was wearing simple blue pajamas, his black hair neat yet messy as always, his brown eyes looking away, wide with worry.
"I can't believe you gave us food poisoning again!" she said angrily, "You gave little Stanley salmonella last month and last week you sent Shelly to school with sex jelly in her sandwhich! You know, for a geologist, you're not exactly smart!"
"Yeah, well, uhh... your hair's colored like sh*t." Randy said defiantly, as if this was a genuis, master insult.
Outside the door, sat their two children. "Again with this?" said Stan, in his usual poofball hat, black hair spilled out and Terrance and Phillip pajamas on. Next to him was Shelly, in pink pajamas with messy, stringy brown hair and brown eyes.
"Sheemsh sho, turd." Shelly sighed, weakly waving her arm in the air. She seemed to lack even the enthusiasm for her favorite passtime, "Itsh getting kind of annoying."
"Yeah, I mean once a week wasn't that bad, we just didn't get dinner one night a week. But now..." Stan noted.
"Well maybe if Roy was so much better you should have married him!" yelled Randy.
"God, this is almost as bad as that time I slept over at Kenny's House." Stan sighed.
Stan was sleeping in a Terrance and Phillip sleeping bag on the floor next to a mattress and blanket - lacking a pillow - where Kenny slept, orange hood to the side. The room was extremely dirty, the only clean items being a few posters on the wall of scantily clad women, some orange curtains, and a closet.
"Where've you been all day?" came a scratchy voice with a southern accent from the other room. Stan immediatedly recognized the voice as Kenny's mother.
"Wh-where've you been?" came another voice, from the same viscinity. Kenny's father, Stan could tell.
"I've been here at home, you drunken piece of sh*t!" Stan's eyes opened and he sat up. "Where were you, did you get lost at the liquor store? Or were you arrested again?"
"Shut up you fat cow! Maybe if you weren't such a bitch I wouldn't be running off all the time!"
"Fat cow? So all of the sudden I'm unattractive?"
"I only had sex with you 'cause I felt sorry for you!"
"Put a sock in it you prick! You're not the one who's been in them magazines!" Kenny looked away with a creeped out expression towards his dresser. Stan stared toward the wall, looking quite scared.
"Yeah, well unlike you, I'm not a whore."
"Oh right, 'cause you totally know what a f*ckin' flirt y'are when you're drunk. Do you know how many times Liane Cartman's called me saying you came over when ya drank?"
"Yeah, and you've never slept around?"
"Shut up and go to sleep!" came a screeching female voice, and for several moments, Kenny and Stan heard nothing.
"Thank God for my sister." Kenny mumbled as the two boys went back to sleep.
"Think maybe Grampa will shut them up?" Stan asked. "I mean, it's been like fifteen minutes now."
"Grampa doesn't give a sh*t, Shelly..." Stan sighed. "And me and the guys were gonna go set cow crap on fire tomorrow... godammit."
"You're shcrewed, turd" Shelly said, "At leasht I have earmuffsh." Shelly smirked, going to her room, closing and locking the door. Stan sighed,
"I hate you, Shelly." he said as he went to his own room, laying down in his bed, trying to close his eyes.
"...yeah, well you have a guy hairstyle!" came Randy's voice.
"It's not a guy hairstyle! Like you'd know a thing about hair!" Stan heard his mother reply.
"I do too know about hair! I grew this mustache after all!"
"Oh, put a sock on it. You barely even know Geology. How many times have you lost your job? How many times have you got it back without even telling us how?"
"Oh sure Sharon, bring that up again. Assuming that is your real name!"
"You're the one who gets all hot and bothered when he's cooking!"
"At least I don't leave my tampons where children can see them!"
"My tampons are a problem? What about your thong!"
"Maybe I wouldn't wear a thong if you'd actually have sex once in a while!" Stan rolled over and covered his head with his pillow.
The next morning, Farmer Carl Denkins' Ranch was a bit rowdier than usual. Luckily for the rest of town, Denkins was out for the day - so his ranch could play it's regular role as a playpen for the children. Four boys sat in the cows' pen, gathered around a large pile of sh*t. Eric Cartman was fat as always in his usual outfit, cap and all. Next to him sat Kenny, still in his parka, blue eyes watching the sight in front of him. Next to Kenny sat Tweek, a boy with twitchy blonde hair in a gray misbuttoned shirt. Then was Kyle, who wore an orange jacket with a green ushanka covering his auburn curls, with brown eyes. Last, in front of them was Butters, who had a puff of blonde hair and wore a light blue jacket as he stepped forward, then took out a lighter and lit the cow sh*t on fire.
"Dude, that one was awesome." said Kyle, smiling.
"AUGH! What if we get caught you guys? What if the farmer tries to shoot us? Oh Jesus!" Tweek said.
"Tweek man, you gotta lay off the coffee." Cartman rolled his blue eyes. Kenny just laughed as Stan finally walked up, half-lidded eyes with bags under them. His shirt was misbuttoned, he only had one glove and hair was out from under his beanie. He must have dressed quite hastily.
"Dude, you don't look so good." Kyle said.
"Yeah, yeah, worry about your stupid boyfriend, Kyle..." Cartman rolled his eyes.
"Oooh, Eric, you didn't tell me Stan and Kyle were boyfriends. Oh jeez... poor Wendy..."
"We're not, Butters! I don't know why everyone keeps thinking we're dating! Can't two guys just be platonic super best friends?" Kyle said angrily.
"...no." Cartman answered, "As soon as High School rolls around, you and Stan will be making out non-fuckin'-stop."
"AUGH! Being gay is way too much pressure, man. I mean Christ, it's hard enough with girls already!"
"I'm sorry, guys." Stan finally spoke, his voice weak, "I got no sleep at all last night. My parents kept fighting."
"They did? Why?" Kyle asked.
"Ooh, my parents used to fight all the time. A-and then my dad went away for a few days..."
"...yeah whatever Butters. Continue Stan." Cartman said.
"I don't know what to do, guys." Stan said, "At this rate, I'm never gonna get any sleep."
"I think I have an idea, dude." Kyle said, "My parents are taking my family on this cruise. It's for the weekend before Valentine's Day."
"Is it expensive?"
"Nah, my mom said it was pretty cheap for a cruise."
"Oh boy, you two are going on a cruise together. Is it the Love Boat?" Cartman asked, laughing.
"Shut up fatass! The only reason I'm telling Stan about this is so his stupid parents make up!" Kyle insisted.
"Whatever. Screw you guys, I'm going home." Cartman said, pointing off as he left towards his house. Tweek, Kenny and Butters sat next to each other now.
"Thanks for the advice dude... hey, it's a romantic cruise, right?" Stan said.
"Totally. Dad kept saying about how it might help him with his nerection problem."
"Yeah, he has this nerectile infunction and it comes back every few months."
"Lame... maybe I can invite Wendy, dude."
"You're still worried about that? Didn't you two make up like three weeks ago." Butters said, remembering the events not too fondly.
"Well yeah I guess, but I dunno, I'm still kinda worried..." Stan said.
"It can't hurt. Besides I'm sure Wendy's family would like a getaway, too." Kyle noted, smiling at his super best friend.
"Ah! Jesus, a Cruise would be-"
"Let me guess Tweek, way too much pressure?" Kyle said.
"- no, I was going to say it'd be a perfect oppurtunity to get away from the Underpants Gnomes." Tweek twitched, "Gah! But I couldn't go. My parents wouldn't have anyone to tend to the coffee shop."
"I'll go talk to my parents about it. Thanks Kyle." Stan smiled, running off.
"...so, uh, what now?" Butters asked. Kenny took out a lighter, ran forward and lit another pile of cow sh*t on fire, and the boys cheered once more.
"Mom, Dad..." Stan entered the kitchen. Randy was reading the newspaper and drinking a beer while Sharon cooked lunch - both stealing angry glances towards each other. Shelly sat as well, her iPod on, Britney Spears blasting. "I had an idea to um, fix your issues and stuff..."
"There aren't any issues at all, Stanley." Sharon said angrily, blue eyes focused on her cooking. Her voice was almost screechy - it was clear she was lying just by the tone of her voice, much less the violent way she broke open the eggs.
"What the hell gave you that idea?" replied Randy, slamming his beer bottle on to the table.
"N-nothing, I was just thinking, there's this cruise coming up and it's cheap and stuff and I thought it'd be perfect for you guys." Stan said, taking out a brochure.
"A cruise, huh?" Randy snatched the brochure to take a look. He raised an eyebrow, "That actually is pretty cheap. The ship must be a hunk of junk. Two days in the open sea, huh? Doesn't that sound nice, Sharon?" he gritted his teeth as his wife grabbed the brochure.
"Oh wow, that is a good idea, Stanley. We could all get away from this town for a while." she said with a half-smile, "Shelly, would you like to go on a cruise?"
"Whatever, mom." Shelly did not want to be interrupted from Ms. Spears' voice right now.
"Great. We'll buy tickets right away!"
"If you know how, you stupid cow." Randy said nonchalantly.
"Gee Randy, thanks for your vote of confidence." Sharon said sarcastically. "Thank you, Stanley." she said, only to notice their son no longer standing where he was. "Stanley?" Stan had taken a seat at the table and fallen asleep.
"That's your fault." Randy added.
"Wendy, are you there?" Bebe Stevens' voice asked, curly blonde locks spilling over a red-and-gray jacket. She stood in her room, blue walls and pink carpet. She had her cell phone to her ear, "Godammit Wendy, answer right now!"
"Bebe, relax, I already answered." came Wendy's voice. She was in her pink room laying near her poster of Nicholas Hoult. Her silky black hair was mostly hidden under a beret, the rest of it resting down her back and on her shoulders. She wore her normal purple jacket and yellow skirt. "What is it?"
"So Red told me that she heard from Craig that Tweek found out Stan's taking you on a cruise!" Bebe replied.
"Yeah, he just called about it. My parents are taking me though, it was just Stan's idea."
"Wendy, you are so lucky! I wish CLYDE would take me on a cruise." Bebe said with clear jealousy.
"I've already packed. It's really exciting, isn't it?" she said, a suitcase next to her with clothes, books and a journal.
"It is! I'm so happy for you!"
"Thanks Bebe. I'll try to text you from the cruise if I can." Wendy said, smiling. Bebe squealed.
"You are the best friend ever, Wendy!"
"Yeah, yeah." Wendy rolled her eyes.
"So what are you packing?"
"You know, clothes, a nice dress, a journal, World History 101, a Valentine's card for Stan, a scrapbook... I'll probably pack some more books. And an iPod of course. Who doesn't have an iPod?"
"I don't think Kenny has one..."
"Wendy! Bedtime!" came a woman's voice from outside Wendy's door.
Wendy turned away, "Okay mom!" she returned to the phone, "Gotta go, Bebe, talk to you tomorrow!"
The ship was rickety and old. Nonetheless, she maintained a very clean appearance - for many, it was hard to tell the SS Cruiseship was nothing more than your average cruise liner. It took some good janitors to keep such a ship in check, and thankfully, it worked out quite well. She was nearing the end of her service regardless - the Captain guessed this would be her final voyage. The officers waited as people boarded.
"Hey, wow, it's crowded on here." Randy said as his family was huddled together in the middle, "Must be since it was so cheap I guess. "
"Hey, Randy, over here!" the Broflovski family was crowded over as well about fifteen feet away, again huddled within several
"Hey, isn't something missing?" Stan said.
"Yeah..." Shelly looked around.
"Oh my God, we forgot dad!" Randy exclaimed loudly, shocked beyond belief at his own stupidity.
"Billy? Billy, have you seen my rope?" came the old voice of Grampa Marvin Marsh, with more wrinkles than a prune as he wheeled around the Marsh home, "Billy? Howard?"
"All right everyone, I am Captain Marples!" came the voice of a man on top of several crates. Stan questioned the logic of such a situation. He wore a traditional cruse ship captain uniform, a lopsided white cap with black rim over sandy blonde hair, blue eyes and chiseled features staring forward. He seemed to be a man of great dicipline, and he seemed quite young for such an old ship. "This ship belongs to me. Please go to your assigned cabins and prepare for the voyage. There are a lot of people aboard, but let's all try to be respectful of those around us, ya?"
"Aye, Captain!" Randy said, saluting. The rest of the crowd stared at him.
"I will be in my quarters for now, and I apologize in advance for any turbulence we experience. This is an old ship, mates, there is not much time left for her. Any questions?" A hand was raised. "Yes?"
"Where's the mini-golf?"
"That's on the SS Expensiveshit, you must be on the wrong ship, my good man." Maples replied, and a small flood of people left the boat. Suddenly it was much more roomy, though still there were a fair amount of people. Several people let out a breath. A few children had nearly suffocated, including Ike, who spent the next several minutes taking deep breaths. "Now, I said find your cabins."
"Hey Stan, didn't you say your little girlfriend was on here?" asked Sharon.
"Yeah dude." Stan noted.
"Looks like we'll finally get to meet her parents." Randy said, "I wonder what the Testaburgers are like..."
"We'll find out later, let's just find our cabin." Stan said, crossing his arms, not in the mood to think about his girlfriend's family. He didn't go around the Testaburger home too often, and when he did, he didn't prefer to stay long. He didn't anticipate this challenge.
"We're in Room 138." Randy noted, taking a key out of his pocket. "You see it, son?"
"There it is, dad!" Shelly smiled, pushing several people out of the way and running for a door. The people got up, shot looks, then went on their merry way as if nothing had happened. Nobody messed with Shelly Marsh, it seemed. The Marsh family quickly caught up to their daughter, Randy putting the key into the door and opening it,
"Wow, three beds." Randy said, laying on one. "Which one of you kids is sleeping on the floor?"
"What?" Stan exclaimed with anger.
"Stan, your mother's ass is too big and there won't be enough room for both of us on the bed." Randy explained.
"What!" Sharon crossed her arms, "Oh I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of your internet porn!"
"Jesus watches porn, I suppose we should convert to Scientology!" Randy accused.
"Aw, Christ." Stan nosebridgepinched. Shelly, noticing their parents distracted, raised her arm, "You can have the bed." Shelly lowered her arm, feeling defeated. If Stan felt like sh*t and was ready to be attacked, there was no point in attacking. She went to one of the beds as Stan laid in a corner.
Leave a review, keep criticism constructive and thanks for reading!
* Roy was Stan's stepfather in "Clubhouses"
* Randy lost his job in "About Last Night..." and again in "Creme Fraiche" and gained it back the first time with no explanation, and in the second mentions getting it back the next day.
* Sharon's name joke is a reference to "Death" where she is referred to as Carol.
* Randy being "hot and bothered" while cooking is a reference to "Creme Fraiche"
* Sharon's tampon is a reference to "Towelie"
* The whole 'lighting cow crap on fire' thing is an extended reference to "Kenny Dies"
* Carl Denkins is the farmer from "Cartman Gets An Anal Probe", "Chickenlover", "Scott Tenorman Must Die" and "Fun With Veal"
* Cartman has blue eyes as a result of "The Succubus"
* Nerections are from "Spontaneous Combustion"
* The 'every few months' bit is to explain "Dead Celebrities" and other exceptions.
* Stan and Wendy making up is a reference to my fic "I Love You Forever"
* Shelly listening to Britney Spears is a reference to "South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut"
* Howard is what Grampa calls Randy as of my fic "The Man Behind The Mask"
* Randy's porn is a reference to "Over Logging"
* Jesus watching porn is a reference to "200"
* The Marshes converting to Scientology is a reference to "Trapped in the Closet"