Alienvspredatorules, since you ignored my polite PM requesting that you improve your grammar and spelling (which you completely ignored apparently. Nice work making friends), I'm posting it here. If you cannot make your posts readable or coherent, you will begin to receive warnings.
Secondly, you haven't written anymore then vague summaries of chapters as opposed to anything substantial. Here;
Traffic is huge in Osaka & the heat is not helping at.
Driver: Move it shithead
Driver 2: F**K you.
Driver 3 Shut the F**K up both of you.
When steady a giant spiked ball came crashing down from the sky & crushed cars & caused some to flip over but one of the spikes cut into a car’s gas line.
Why is the traffic bad in Osaka? What time of day is it? Has a world of monsters created a futuristic utopia? is it the same as it is now?
Who are these "drivers"? Are they businessmen trying to get to work because it's 8 in the morning? Is someone a mother who needs to get home because it's almost supper time and her husband is waiting? Who are these people and why should I care about them? These aren't for me to decide, YOU ARE THE STORYTELLER; it is your job to tell me what is going on and why I should care that later these people will explode and burn to death.
You're writing stories as if they were a script for a movie and not a story. A story needs characters and emotions described. How are these people yelling? Is someone on the verge of tears? is someone boiling in rage? Is someone more tired then angry? Also, if they're on a presumably loud and packed street in Osaka during rush hour, how are they able to hear eachother to respond?
The gas line being cut caused a giant fiery explosion killing over 100 people & turning the city into a sea of fire as the spiked ball uncurled to be Anguiruis
People will running but Anguiruis stomped them killing causing blood & guts to spatter all over the place.
People were burning to dearth.
5 people were away but Anguiruis picked them up & bite their heads off.
Anguiruis body slammed part of Osaka castle that was not fire.
EDF HQ
EDF commander: Sir Anguiruis is attacking Osaka & it is on fire so ground vehicles can’t get there.
Ozaki: Send out the f-22s.
Anguirus was finished destroying the buildings that were not on fire when the F-22s shot missiles at him.
Anguiruis roared at the f-22s jumped in the air & back flipped & crushed the f-22s with his spikes.
Anguirus roared in victory as he had destroyed Osaka & F22s that tried to stop him & then back in the ocean.
Where did Anguirus come from? Why did he fall from the sky? Why is he attacking Osaka? I can't think of many Godzilla films where there is a senseless, pointless monster attack; they generally happen for a reason that's thematic or motivated by narrative. How is Anguirus able to bite the heads off of people when his teeth would be the size of trees and boulders? Wouldn't they just be mashed up?
Where is EDF HQ? What is it like inside? Is it a utilitarian, industrial Cold War-era bunker, a high-tech new age combat facility? Is it on the Moon? orbiting the Earth? Are they amongst computer consoles on a main floor in front of a view screen or are they in a private office? Can they see the carnage from near by? What are the ranks of the "Commander" and Ozaki; since all I have is the movies to go from, I have to assume that Ozaki is just a grunt soldier like in the movie, but if so, why is he telling a COMMANDER what to do?
What was the point of this chapter in pushing your theme and narrative? What is the theme of your story?
An audience wants to be immersed in a world you are creating. THEY WANT TO KNOW THESE THINGS. And these are incredibly basic basic questions they would be asking.
Here is an exerpt from my story Siberian Operation. NO, I'm not saying I'm some amazing writer, but it's the only peice I have up and am comfortable with critiquing. Personally, I think my story could use a couple more revisions.
"Japan machine not made for Siberia weather, Sargeant." Grinko managed to spit out between warming his hands after gripping the icey hatch. Grinko was always chatty with Clarke on account of their both mutual understanding of English, despite the Private's impossibly thick Ukranian accent.
"I've seen the inside of a Soviet Maser and these are cramped enough as is." Clarke banged on the ceiling with his ungloved fist to emphasis his point, careful to avoid any sensitive equipment which might be hanging from there.
"Not to mention that the hydrogen leakage is almost impossible to regulate and maintain." His head Engineer Corpeal Shogo Morichi piped up, filling out reports on a clipboard in his lap from meters on a small monitor in his compartment, squinting intently. Clarke suspected that Shogo needed glasses, but he had to much respect for him to request he wear them. He was fine at his job as is.
Clarke handed Grinko a cup of coffee mixed from cold water and they toasted one another, taking a swig and pretending it was hot. "Soviet machine better miles per galleon. Pick up more Blyadischa too." A playful grin spread across his face, partially from his comment and partially to hide the awful taste of the coffee. Clarke liked Grinko; youngest member of their crew and the newest. Their usual driver was assigned to a remote control station for the HAU's, so the Soviet Branch provided them with a quick replacement. Pasty, blonde, foul-mouthed, and an excellent mechanic and driver. Clarke couldn't be happier. He should probably learn his first name.
"What'd he say?" Shogo asked, slapping Clarke in the arm and speaking low so Grinko, who was clearing snow off the step ladder with an old rag, could not hear them.
"He's just showing his Soviet charm. How're those seismimc's coming in?" He asked Shin who could still hear, despite the massive set of headphones he had over his ears. Shogo went back to his reports as Clarke squeezed his way into Shin's small nook, surrounded on both sides by terminals, covered in meters, buttons, and screens of varying sizes and shapes.
Here, we have established character dynamics between Grinko, Clarke, and Shogo. These aren't deep characters, but like the films they are distinct characters. Grinko's foul-mouthed and playful, Clarke is optimistic and friendly, and Shogo has technical savvy but his assumed refusal to wear glasses shows a streak of stubbornness and perhaps a self-conscious view of his own age.
For drinking cold coffee, I just asked what life would be like inside of a Maser Tank. They wouldn't have any means to boil water, it's not like there's a cafeteria in there, so it was a fair assumption that if they wanted a cup-o-joe, they'd have to take it cold. I also mixed a small cup of cold coffee just to see what it was like, and it is pretty horrific.
The casual talk of the Soviet Maser's is also a little world building. It establishes that this is a world where there is still a Soviet Union and that they have different forms of classic of anti-Kaiju weaponry. Them being cramped and uncomfortable was based on a little reading into Soviet tanks and how they were incredibly utilitarian and not built for the comfort of the crew, but for ease of manufacture.
Nobody is expecting prize winning material here, but they do expect some basic fundamentals of storytelling be fulfilled.
