TURN DOWN YOUR LIGHTS
In the slightly-more-distant future
Next Monday, A.D.
There was a guy named Tom,
Not too different from you or me.
He worked on a satellite up in space,
He did a good job riffing fanfics,
But something must’ve happened
And he crashed back down to earth.
I’ll send him cheesy stories,
The worst on the web (la-la-la)
He’ll have to sit and read them all,
And I’ll monitor his mind (la-la-la).
Now keep in mind Tom can’t control,
Where the stories are coming from (la-la-la)
He’ll try to keep his sanity,
With the help of his co-star friends!
Co-Star Roll Call:
Kiryu! (That’s me.)
Mystic (I’m psychic!)
Haaaaayes! (Wait, I’m on again?!)
If you’re wondering how he eats and breathes,
And other things like that (la-la-la)
Then maybe you should read the story,
Instead of this silly song,
It’s Mystery Fiction Readers 3000!
Theme based upon parody lyrics by Ultraman Goji.
The cold melancholy of the cell is broken in the middle of the night by a knock at the door.
Kiryu stirs. “Whaa—“Knock, knock.
“Uh...” he rubs the sleep from his eyes. “Come in, I guess?”
The cell door opens. It’s not an alien that greets them. It’s…
Kiryu’s exclamation wakes everyone. Dr. Goodlover shuts the door behind him and steps into the middle of the cell—at the foot of the trash mountain, which he does his best to overlook. Something is bothering him.
“Well, well, well,” Tom says. “Looks like you’re one of us now, huh?”
“One of us! One of us!” H.A.Y.E.S. chants. The Trashman joins in. “One of us! One of us!
“Would you two cut that out?” Dr. Goodlover snaps.
They go silent.
“I’d rather be dead than a guinea pig like you four. Where’s the weird one?”
“The Mystic One?” the Trashman responds.
“Yeah, yeah, the weird one. Same difference.”
“We think the Aliens took ‘em,” Kiryu says.
Dr. Goodlover nods. “Then there really isn’t much time.”
“What are you talking about?” Tom asks.
“You see, I’ve been kicked off my own project,” Dr. Goodlover begins. The Trashman and H.A.Y.E.S. high-five at the news, which gets under the doctor’s skin. “Celebrate while you can. It’ll only get worse from here.” He dramatically takes off his round glasses before continuing. “The Aliens did something to Bob. I don’t know what happened, but he’s not the same boy any of you remember. And he’s calling himself…Doctor Cadaver. I have no idea how he came up with such an idiotic name, but that’s beside the point. He’s a complete sadist. There’s not an ounce of empathy left in him.”
“Sound familiar?” Tom taunts.
“Dammit, Tom, this isn’t the time for jokes!” Dr. Goodlover’s deathly serious stare gets all of their attention. “The experiment he’s going to run today, it will kill you. That’s all he wants. This isn’t about control anymore, it’s about genocide by means of terrible fan fiction! I want to help you all.”
“How?” Tom asks.
“Go along with Bob—Dr. Cadaver’s experiment today—and I’ll handle the rest. I’ll get you out of this place. I’ve gotten all the results I need. You’ve all done your job well. You don’t deserve the kind of punishment Dr. Cadaver has in mind.”
Dr. Goodlover nods.
The prisoners take it in. The mad doctor showing…compassion?
“I have to leave now. Be safe,” Dr. Goodlover says as he starts for the door.
“Doctor!” H.A.Y.E.S. calls.
He turns back to the robot he normally despises.
Dr. Goodlover smiles appreciatively and leaves. The door starts to swing shut when a hand stops and pulls it back open. Elvis steps into the room.
“It is time,” he states.
Dr. Cadaver is everything Dr. Goodlover is not. Tall. Handsome. A full head of hair. Most likely an actual good lover. He stands next to Chancellor Pearl like a loyal dog with a fiendish smile on his face.
“Welcome to hell,” Dr. Cadaver proclaims. He walks around the desk to get a closer look at his subjects. He’s a whole head taller than Kiryu and has to get down on one knee to look the Trashman in the eyes.
“There won’t be any pizza parties or easy stories under my command of this operation,” Dr. Cadaver states. “You will work until you are broken. And when you break, you will still continue reading until I say you’ve had enough.”
Tom fires back, “We can handle anything you—“
Dr. Cadaver only has to look at Tom for the rest of the sentence to get caught in his throat. Cadaver smiles. “I look forward to seeing you try, Tommy boy.”
“Love that movie,” H.A.Y.E.S. quietly remarks.
Dr. Cadaver walks over to the Study door. He presses a red button that opens the outer circular door. “Let’s not stand around on ceremony any longer. In!”
The four prisoners obey the doctor’s harsh command. The door shuts behind them.
“Dr. Cadaver’s Theater of Terror ready for operation,” a computer voice declares. It’s noticeably more masculine than the one that Dr. Goodlover had installed. And the way it says Dr. Cadaver’s name has an almost sensual quality to it.
“How would you like the corpses after the experiment is complete, Dr. Cadaver?” No doubt this time. Definitely sensual.
“I’ll handle them myself today, thank you.” Dr. Cadaver turns to Pearl. “I can make it so the Theater deep fries the subjects after the experiment has killed them.”
Pearl smiles faintly. Mildly amusing.
A cold fluorescent light illuminates the Study. The homely amenities of the old Study have been cast out in favor of minimalist chairs and a table, on which there’s a pitcher of warm water and three plastic cups that each have a hole on the bottom.
“Preparing the ‘Death’ experiment.”3
EXPERIMENT XChapter 1.
My Immortal: Part I
AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. [The Trashman: Try finding someone who is better at it.]
U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX![H.A.Y.E.S: ... no.][Kiryu: Like, OMG, I think dis story’s gonna, like, totally suck, lol! XDDD][Servo: You can stop reading now. No one would blame you.]
Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way [Servo: Her parents gave her the middle name “Dementia” because they really wanted to forget they had her.]
…and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!). [Servo: If only the mads would let us!]
[[I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major skreeonking hottie. [Kiryu: Is she implying that she’s into incest?]
I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen).
I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts.[Servo: The police told me I can’t solicit on private property, whatever that means.]
It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. [Kiryu: The risk of hypothermia and pneumonia was well worth it.]
A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.[The Trashman: Reminds me of a time in high school when I bathed in kitty litter.][H.A.Y.E.S: No.]
“Hey Ebony!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy![H.A.Y.E.S: No!]
“What’s up Draco?” I asked.[Kiryu: “Ew, a Mary Sue!”][H.A.Y.E.S: NO!]
“Nothing.” he said shyly.[The Trashman: Ron Howard: It wasn't nothing.][H.A.Y.E.S: I told you people I had a breaking point, and this is it!]
But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.[H.A.Y.E.S: Guys, I'm making a run for it AND NONE OF YOU CAN STOP ME.]
AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz![Servo: It stinks!][The Trashman: It's a dumpster fire! I love it!][Kiryu: You might think ‘fangz’ is just a misspelling of ‘fans’, but she’s actually questioning her own fangs if they think this story’s good.]
AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok![Kiryu:“And do you kno da wae?”][The Trashman: I don't think she understands that preps and this story are natural enemies.]
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX[Servo: If you spotted it, you’re already dead.]
The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again.
I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. [The Trashman: Kool-Aid is going all out with their new drink.]
My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. [Kiryu: Even her coffin’s a bad OC.]
I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.
My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!)…[Servo: Raven slinks down further in her seat, praying that people wouldn’t notice her in the audience.]
…woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)
“OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!” she said excitedly.[Kiryu: “Like, I can’t believe you would totally talk to a non-vampire freak like him, OMG!”]
“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.
“Do you like Draco?” she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.
“No I so skreeonking don’t!” I shouted.[The Trashman: He's too clean for my tastes.][H.A.Y.E.S: ... okay, I was stopped, but not by you guys! So technically I was right. Where's my forty bucks? I'm pretty sure there was a dare.]
“Yeah right!” she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.
“Hi.” he said.[Servo: Draco holds a wooden stake behind his back, waiting for the perfect moment to strike.]
“Hi.” I replied flirtily.[H.A.Y.E.S: Well, that was a quick turn of- okay, no, seriously, guys. Elvis threatened to restrict my rations to quesadillas! He knew those were my greatest fear! Who told him??]
“Guess what.” he said.
“What?” I asked.
[Everyone: “Chicken butt.”]
“Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade.” he told me.
“Oh. My. skreeonking. God!” I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. “Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.[H.A.Y.E.S: I too love Melting Cabbage Racers.]
I gasped. [Servo: Oh God, she forgot her inhaler in her coffin!]
AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don’t own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.[Servo: But that won’t stop you, will it?]
On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. [Kiryu: Now why doesn’t she put this much effort into everything else in this story?]
I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. [The Trashman: That came out of nowhere.][Servo: Normalizing self-harm! YEAH!]
I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. [Kiryu: Stop it. Get some help.]
I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.[Servo: I guess we’re just going to gloss right over how she might’ve acquired said human’s blood? Is somebody going to do something before she kills more students?]
I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).[H.A.Y.E.S: What language was that?][Kiryu: Is she just incapable of talking like a normal human when not writing shitty fanfics?]
“Hi Draco!” I said in a depressed voice.[H.A.Y.E.S: "Hello, Draco, my love!" I droned, voice absolutely dripping with apathy.][The Trashman: "I'm so depressed because I get to go to a fun concert with my crush. I hate being happy.]
“Hi Ebony.” he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. [Kiryu: The writer’s quite addicted to the edge.]
On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.[Servo: Ibuprofen, Claritin D. You name it]
When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.
“You come in cold, you're covered in blood They're all so happy you've arrived The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom She sets you free into this life.” sang Joel (I don’t own da lyrics 2 dat song).
“Joel is so skreeonking hot.” I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.[Servo: I know, right?][H.A.Y.E.S: "It's probably because you set him on fire with the flames flying from your fingertip."]
Suddenly Draco looked sad.
“What’s wrong?” I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.[H.A.Y.E.S: ... to the edge of a cliff as the whole concert plunged into a chasm. LETGOLETGOLETGO]
“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said.[The Trashman: It's exactly what I said to a pile of garbage when I said I loved my son.]
“Really?” asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.[Kiryu: “I wish he would stop grabbing my butt, though.”]
“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Joel and he’s going out with Hilary skreeonking Duff. I skreeonking hate that little female dog.” I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.[Kiryu: “Her ugly, blonde, alluring, well-shaped, cheerful - wait, what was I talking about?”][H.A.Y.E.S: True beauty is drenched in black makeup and romanticized self-harm!]
The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn’t go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into……………………… the Forbidden Forest![The Trashman: Little did they know that's where Logan Paul lurked.][H.A.Y.E.S: That better not be a euphemism for the backdoor.]
AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony’s name is ENOBY nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok![Kiryu: “My OC’s not a Mary Sue because I said so!”]
“DRACO!” I shouted. “What the skreeonk do you think you are doing?”[H.A.Y.E.S: Oh God, it is a euphemism for the backdoor!]
Draco didn’t answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.
“What the skreeonking hell?” I asked angrily.
“Ebony?” he asked.
“What?” I snapped.
Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.[H.A.Y.E.S: "Just like how Mom used to glare at me. Well, I think anyway. She threw me down quite a few stairs and not everything climbed back up, you know what I mean?"]
And then…………… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.[Servo: He put his completed homework in your math folder? You really need to be clear.][The Trashman: And this is why we still need sex ed in school.]
“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. [Servo: “YES! YES! STRAIGHT A’S IN PRE-CALC!”]
We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….[Kiryu: “I spontaneously combusted and burned us both to death.”]
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”
It was…………………………………………………….Dumbledore! [H.A.Y.E.S: More like- uh.... D... Dumble... snore? Look, I think I've lost most of my brain cells to this thing, so cut me some slack!]
AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! [Servo: Really gives Headmaster a new meaning, doesn’t he?]
PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws![H.A.Y.E.S: I will kill the next five people who try to leave positive reviews.][Kiryu: So instead of accepting constructive criticism, she assumes all negative reviews are insults and comes up with dumbass excuses to explain the characters being out of character. Truly an inspiration for us all.]
Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.
“You ludacris fools!” he shouted.[H.A.Y.E.S: A world so ludacris, they can't spell, "ludicrous."]
I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. [The Trashman: Kool-Aid's new drink will do that to you.]
Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.[Servo: Dumbledore caught them sharing answers on their homework too.]
“They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!” he yelled in a furious voice.
“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Professor McGonagall.[H.A.Y.E.S: "Ron and Hermione were found doinking in far more places by this point, you're mediocre at this!"]
“How dare you?” demanded Professor Snape.
And then Draco shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HER!”
Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. “Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms.” [Kiryu: “We’ll be joining you shortly.”][The Trashman: Who would have thought that was the way to get out trouble for having sex in "public”.]
Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.[H.A.Y.E.S: Maybe you should have put your clothes back on first.]
“Are you okay, Ebony?” Draco asked me gently.
“Yeah I guess.” I lied. I went to the girl’s dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out….[Kiryu: “Snape was laying on my coffin wearing nothing but a speedo.”][H.A.Y.E.S: You came out? Poor Draco must be heartbroken. Hey, good new for Willow though!]
Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing ‘I just wanna live’ by Good Charlotte. [Servo: I just wanna die. Please.]
I was so flattered, even though he wasn’t supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.
AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows![H.A.Y.E.S: NEVER.]
The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. [The Trashman: She's certainly a fan of Hydra.]
I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple.[H.A.Y.E.S: Spray paint?? Uh, that doesn't sound healthy.]
In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.[The Trashman: Ebony: I never been more turned on in my life.]
“Bastard!” I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it.[Kiryu: Oh boy.]
He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn’t have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco’s and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I’m a girl so I didn’t get one you sicko.
“I’m so sorry.” he said in a shy voice.[H.A.Y.E.S: "But can you put your erection away? It's getting dangerously close to putting out my eye."]
“That’s all right. What’s your name?” I questioned.[The Trashman: OOC.][Kiryu: “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”]
“My name’s Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days.” he grumbled.[Servo: Harry Potter, the boy who let us all down.]
“Why?” I exclaimed.
“Because I love the taste of human blood.” he giggled.[Kiryu: Why is he not in jail?]
“Well, I am a vampire.” I confessed.
“Really?” he whimpered.[Servo: Why’d he whimper?]
“Yeah.” I roared.[H.A.Y.E.S: Every window in the place shattered.][Servo: Why’d she roar? Does she have volume control issues? What the hell’s going on?][The Trashman: Forgive her. Her mother was an ogre.]
We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.
Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life[Kiryu: I’d reference the song, but that’d be too obvious.]
AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! [Servo: That’s not a bad idea. I should implement that with my stories. Y’all better start reading more Mystery Fiction Readers 3000 or I’m pulling the plug!]
STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn’t a Marie Sue ok she isn’t perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake![Kiryu: I said she’s not a Mary Sue, so she’s not! God!]
Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?). [Servo: No, it’s just stupid.]
I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…………[H.A.Y.E.S: You co-opted another serious, real-life issue to try and deflect legitimate criticisms of your writing??]
We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy’s thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)[H.A.Y.E.S: Yes.][The Trashman: Very. Needs to be more raunchy.]
“Oh Draco, Draco!” I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco’s arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words………… Vampire!
I was so angry.[Servo: “A henna tattoo? Really? You couldn’t commit to the real thing?”]
“You bastard!” I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.[Kiryu: “Only to land headfirst on the floor and break my neck.]
“No! No! But you don’t understand!” Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.
“No, you skreeonking idiot!” I shouted. “You probably have AIDs anyway!”[H.A.Y.E.S: Jesus Christ, I was kidding about co-opting another actual issue, STOP][Servo: Ronald Reagan with a decisive blow from beyond the grave.]
I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire’s classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.[Kiryu: “I’m not gonna describe who those people are, cause that just wastes too much time, unlike describing every piece of clothing I’m wearing.”]
“VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU motherskreeonker!” I yelled.[The Trashman: Plot Twist: Vampire is her father.]
Tom knocks on the inner Study door. The experiment is over, right? Why hasn’t the door opened yet?
“Hey! Doctor, I think the door is malfunctioning!”
“We can’t get out?” the Trashman asks. His trash pile can’t be left unattended to! What if someone cleaned it up?
“Doctor Cadaver, open up!” Tom bangs on the door again.
A distant voice answers. “There is no malfunction, Tommy boy. No malfunction at all. The door is working exactly as it’s supposed to. You’re wasting your energy pounding on it like that.”
Tom backs away from the door, the realization setting in. “My god…”
“We could really use Dr. Bald Guy’s help right now,” H.A.Y.E.S says. Then, after a second, “My god, I actually just said that.”To Be Continued…