Back by somewhat popular demand, I present to you: The Baragon Vs. Barugon episode of Toho/Daiei!
I’m a Toho and I’m a Daiei ep…whatever.
We open on a plain white background, with Baragon and Barugon standing in front of it.
Baragon: Hi, I’m a Toho…
Barugon: And I’m a Daiei. It’s good to see you man. We haven’t met up since the after-party of Destroy all Monsters. Dude, that was back in the 60s!
Baragon looks at him for a moment, then ventures: Why in Hell am I doing this? You have got to be the most embarrassing Monster ever to come out of Japan.
Barugon: Oh no I’m not! Or haven’t you heard of Megalon?
Baragon:…Even if Megalon wasn’t a total bad-ass, you’d make him look like GOD, and then you’d die of embrassment. You’re little more than a total copy of me! I mean, blatantly! They couldn’t even be bothered to come up with an original name. How’d that meeting go? “Hey guys, Toho just came out with a rockin’ new monster that’s tearing up the box-office! It’s name is Baragon!” “Well, we need to imitate it! Let’s see…BaRUgon! Yeah, that’s a million dollar idea!”
Barugon: You don’t have to be mean about it…
Baragon: Oh yes I do! For Christ’s sake, I shoot Fire and what do you shoot? Ice! You shoot Friggin’ Ice! It blows my mind to no end how derivative you are!
Barugon: Ice ain’t the only thing I shoot…
Baragon: Oh no I almost forgot! You shoot rainbows out your back! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That has got to be…the gayest super-power since gay came to gay town! I guess, really, Goji never had the balls to take on someone like that…he was probably afraid they’d end up in San Franscico together…
Barugon: Mechagodzilla I&II shot rainbows…
Baragon: Yeah, but they made it look bad-ass. You didn’t.
Barugon: At least I didn’t get killed in the first five minutes of my movie. Or get cheated out of a destruction scene. Those scientists really know their stuff.
Baragon: At least I had sequels.
Barugon: So? Sequels aren’t that great…
Baragon: You can’t judge what you don’t have.
They sit in silence for minute, before Barugon begins bawling his reptilian eyes out.
Barugon: Why? Why do we all have to be so mean? Why can’t we just get along?
Baragon: What’re you—
Barugon: I mean, Our movies sucked, okay? Why do you have to rub it in? Why do you have to—
Baragon: Oh, to Hell with this!
Baragon turns his head and blasts Barugon with a heat ray, fading to black before the flame goes out.
Barugon: Hey! I think you melted my face!
The Emperor: You get used to it.
Before it can be filmed, drawn, acted or programed, it must be written.