South Park: "Play It Again, Stan"

[JVM]

This is to date my most popular South Park fanfic - so I figured I'd post it here and see how people react. I'll post more of my stuff here if people like. If not, oh well. I wrote this February 14th - April 29th, 2011, so some references are outdated, and the detail isn't quite as nice as in my newer stuff.

Lots of help was given from my co-writers Mad_Cow5678, Mutt13, Shane Haughey and NoseBridgePinch.

Please enjoy.

--

Chapter One

"Randy Marsh!" Sharon Marsh stood in her pajamas - which, to her husband's regret, were actually quite baggy - with half-lidded, blue eyes staring with anger at her husband, her brown hair wild and her arms crossed.

"I said I was sorry!" Randy said, hands together. He was wearing simple blue pajamas, his black hair neat yet messy as always, his brown eyes looking away, wide with worry.

"I can't believe you gave us food poisoning again!" she said angrily, "You gave little Stanley salmonella last month and last week you sent Shelly to school with sex jelly in her sandwhich! You know, for a geologist, you're not exactly smart!"

"Yeah, well, uhh... your hair's colored like sh*t." Randy said defiantly, as if this was a genuis, master insult.

Outside the door, sat their two children. "Again with this?" said Stan, in his usual poofball hat, black hair spilled out and Terrance and Phillip pajamas on. Next to him was Shelly, in pink pajamas with messy, stringy brown hair and brown eyes.

"Sheemsh sho, turd." Shelly sighed, weakly waving her arm in the air. She seemed to lack even the enthusiasm for her favorite passtime, "Itsh getting kind of annoying."

"Yeah, I mean once a week wasn't that bad, we just didn't get dinner one night a week. But now..." Stan noted.

"Well maybe if Roy was so much better you should have married him!" yelled Randy.

"I did!"

"God, this is almost as bad as that time I slept over at Kenny's House." Stan sighed.

xXx

Stan was sleeping in a Terrance and Phillip sleeping bag on the floor next to a mattress and blanket - lacking a pillow - where Kenny slept, orange hood to the side. The room was extremely dirty, the only clean items being a few posters on the wall of scantily clad women, some orange curtains, and a closet.

"Where've you been all day?" came a scratchy voice with a southern accent from the other room. Stan immediatedly recognized the voice as Kenny's mother.

"Wh-where've you been?" came another voice, from the same viscinity. Kenny's father, Stan could tell.

"I've been here at home, you drunken piece of sh*t!" Stan's eyes opened and he sat up. "Where were you, did you get lost at the liquor store? Or were you arrested again?"

"Shut up you fat cow! Maybe if you weren't such a bitch I wouldn't be running off all the time!"

"Fat cow? So all of the sudden I'm unattractive?"

"I only had sex with you 'cause I felt sorry for you!"

"Put a sock in it you prick! You're not the one who's been in them magazines!" Kenny looked away with a creeped out expression towards his dresser. Stan stared toward the wall, looking quite scared.

"Yeah, well unlike you, I'm not a whore."

"Oh right, 'cause you totally know what a f*ckin' flirt y'are when you're drunk. Do you know how many times Liane Cartman's called me saying you came over when ya drank?"

"Yeah, and you've never slept around?"

"Shut up and go to sleep!" came a screeching female voice, and for several moments, Kenny and Stan heard nothing.

"Thank God for my sister." Kenny mumbled as the two boys went back to sleep.

xXx

"Think maybe Grampa will shut them up?" Stan asked. "I mean, it's been like fifteen minutes now."

"Grampa doesn't give a sh*t, Shelly..." Stan sighed. "And me and the guys were gonna go set cow crap on fire tomorrow... godammit."

"You're shcrewed, turd" Shelly said, "At leasht I have earmuffsh." Shelly smirked, going to her room, closing and locking the door. Stan sighed,

"I hate you, Shelly." he said as he went to his own room, laying down in his bed, trying to close his eyes.

"...yeah, well you have a guy hairstyle!" came Randy's voice.

"It's not a guy hairstyle! Like you'd know a thing about hair!" Stan heard his mother reply.

"I do too know about hair! I grew this mustache after all!"

"Oh, put a sock on it. You barely even know Geology. How many times have you lost your job? How many times have you got it back without even telling us how?"

"Oh sure Sharon, bring that up again. Assuming that is your real name!"

"You're the one who gets all hot and bothered when he's cooking!"

"At least I don't leave my tampons where children can see them!"

"My tampons are a problem? What about your thong!"

"Maybe I wouldn't wear a thong if you'd actually have sex once in a while!" Stan rolled over and covered his head with his pillow.

xXx

The next morning, Farmer Carl Denkins' Ranch was a bit rowdier than usual. Luckily for the rest of town, Denkins was out for the day - so his ranch could play it's regular role as a playpen for the children. Four boys sat in the cows' pen, gathered around a large pile of sh*t. Eric Cartman was fat as always in his usual outfit, cap and all. Next to him sat Kenny, still in his parka, blue eyes watching the sight in front of him. Next to Kenny sat Tweek, a boy with twitchy blonde hair in a gray misbuttoned shirt. Then was Kyle, who wore an orange jacket with a green ushanka covering his auburn curls, with brown eyes. Last, in front of them was Butters, who had a puff of blonde hair and wore a light blue jacket as he stepped forward, then took out a lighter and lit the cow sh*t on fire.

"Dude, that one was awesome." said Kyle, smiling.

"AUGH! What if we get caught you guys? What if the farmer tries to shoot us? Oh Jesus!" Tweek said.

"Tweek man, you gotta lay off the coffee." Cartman rolled his blue eyes. Kenny just laughed as Stan finally walked up, half-lidded eyes with bags under them. His shirt was misbuttoned, he only had one glove and hair was out from under his beanie. He must have dressed quite hastily.

"Dude, you don't look so good." Kyle said.

"Yeah, yeah, worry about your stupid boyfriend, Kyle..." Cartman rolled his eyes.

"Oooh, Eric, you didn't tell me Stan and Kyle were boyfriends. Oh jeez... poor Wendy..."

"We're not, Butters! I don't know why everyone keeps thinking we're dating! Can't two guys just be platonic super best friends?" Kyle said angrily.

"...no." Cartman answered, "As soon as High School rolls around, you and Stan will be making out non-fuckin'-stop."

"AUGH! Being gay is way too much pressure, man. I mean Christ, it's hard enough with girls already!"

"I'm sorry, guys." Stan finally spoke, his voice weak, "I got no sleep at all last night. My parents kept fighting."

"They did? Why?" Kyle asked.

"Ooh, my parents used to fight all the time. A-and then my dad went away for a few days..."

"...yeah whatever Butters. Continue Stan." Cartman said.

"I don't know what to do, guys." Stan said, "At this rate, I'm never gonna get any sleep."

"I think I have an idea, dude." Kyle said, "My parents are taking my family on this cruise. It's for the weekend before Valentine's Day."

"Is it expensive?"

"Nah, my mom said it was pretty cheap for a cruise."

"Oh boy, you two are going on a cruise together. Is it the Love Boat?" Cartman asked, laughing.

"Shut up fatass! The only reason I'm telling Stan about this is so his stupid parents make up!" Kyle insisted.

"Whatever. Screw you guys, I'm going home." Cartman said, pointing off as he left towards his house. Tweek, Kenny and Butters sat next to each other now.

"Thanks for the advice dude... hey, it's a romantic cruise, right?" Stan said.

"Totally. Dad kept saying about how it might help him with his nerection problem."

"...that again?"

"Yeah, he has this nerectile infunction and it comes back every few months."

"Lame... maybe I can invite Wendy, dude."

"You're still worried about that? Didn't you two make up like three weeks ago." Butters said, remembering the events not too fondly.

"Well yeah I guess, but I dunno, I'm still kinda worried..." Stan said.

"It can't hurt. Besides I'm sure Wendy's family would like a getaway, too." Kyle noted, smiling at his super best friend.

"Ah! Jesus, a Cruise would be-"

"Let me guess Tweek, way too much pressure?" Kyle said.

"- no, I was going to say it'd be a perfect oppurtunity to get away from the Underpants Gnomes." Tweek twitched, "Gah! But I couldn't go. My parents wouldn't have anyone to tend to the coffee shop."

"I'll go talk to my parents about it. Thanks Kyle." Stan smiled, running off.

"...so, uh, what now?" Butters asked. Kenny took out a lighter, ran forward and lit another pile of cow sh*t on fire, and the boys cheered once more.

xXx

"Mom, Dad..." Stan entered the kitchen. Randy was reading the newspaper and drinking a beer while Sharon cooked lunch - both stealing angry glances towards each other. Shelly sat as well, her iPod on, Britney Spears blasting. "I had an idea to um, fix your issues and stuff..."

"There aren't any issues at all, Stanley." Sharon said angrily, blue eyes focused on her cooking. Her voice was almost screechy - it was clear she was lying just by the tone of her voice, much less the violent way she broke open the eggs.

"What the hell gave you that idea?" replied Randy, slamming his beer bottle on to the table.

"N-nothing, I was just thinking, there's this cruise coming up and it's cheap and stuff and I thought it'd be perfect for you guys." Stan said, taking out a brochure.

"A cruise, huh?" Randy snatched the brochure to take a look. He raised an eyebrow, "That actually is pretty cheap. The ship must be a hunk of junk. Two days in the open sea, huh? Doesn't that sound nice, Sharon?" he gritted his teeth as his wife grabbed the brochure.

"Oh wow, that is a good idea, Stanley. We could all get away from this town for a while." she said with a half-smile, "Shelly, would you like to go on a cruise?"

"Whatever, mom." Shelly did not want to be interrupted from Ms. Spears' voice right now.

"Great. We'll buy tickets right away!"

"If you know how, you stupid cow." Randy said nonchalantly.

"Gee Randy, thanks for your vote of confidence." Sharon said sarcastically. "Thank you, Stanley." she said, only to notice their son no longer standing where he was. "Stanley?" Stan had taken a seat at the table and fallen asleep.

"That's your fault." Randy added.

xXx

"Wendy, are you there?" Bebe Stevens' voice asked, curly blonde locks spilling over a red-and-gray jacket. She stood in her room, blue walls and pink carpet. She had her cell phone to her ear, "Godammit Wendy, answer right now!"

"Bebe, relax, I already answered." came Wendy's voice. She was in her pink room laying near her poster of Nicholas Hoult. Her silky black hair was mostly hidden under a beret, the rest of it resting down her back and on her shoulders. She wore her normal purple jacket and yellow skirt. "What is it?"

"So Red told me that she heard from Craig that Tweek found out Stan's taking you on a cruise!" Bebe replied.

"Yeah, he just called about it. My parents are taking me though, it was just Stan's idea."

"Wendy, you are so lucky! I wish CLYDE would take me on a cruise." Bebe said with clear jealousy.

"I've already packed. It's really exciting, isn't it?" she said, a suitcase next to her with clothes, books and a journal.

"It is! I'm so happy for you!"

"Thanks Bebe. I'll try to text you from the cruise if I can." Wendy said, smiling. Bebe squealed.

"You are the best friend ever, Wendy!"

"Yeah, yeah." Wendy rolled her eyes.

"So what are you packing?"

"You know, clothes, a nice dress, a journal, World History 101, a Valentine's card for Stan, a scrapbook... I'll probably pack some more books. And an iPod of course. Who doesn't have an iPod?"

"I don't think Kenny has one..."

"Wendy! Bedtime!" came a woman's voice from outside Wendy's door.

Wendy turned away, "Okay mom!" she returned to the phone, "Gotta go, Bebe, talk to you tomorrow!"

"Later!"

xXx

The ship was rickety and old. Nonetheless, she maintained a very clean appearance - for many, it was hard to tell the SS Cruiseship was nothing more than your average cruise liner. It took some good janitors to keep such a ship in check, and thankfully, it worked out quite well. She was nearing the end of her service regardless - the Captain guessed this would be her final voyage. The officers waited as people boarded.

"Hey, wow, it's crowded on here." Randy said as his family was huddled together in the middle, "Must be since it was so cheap I guess. "

"Hey, Randy, over here!" the Broflovski family was crowded over as well about fifteen feet away, again huddled within several

"Hey, isn't something missing?" Stan said.

"Yeah..." Shelly looked around.

"Oh my God, we forgot dad!" Randy exclaimed loudly, shocked beyond belief at his own stupidity.

xXx

"Billy? Billy, have you seen my rope?" came the old voice of Grampa Marvin Marsh, with more wrinkles than a prune as he wheeled around the Marsh home, "Billy? Howard?"

xXx

"All right everyone, I am Captain Marples!" came the voice of a man on top of several crates. Stan questioned the logic of such a situation. He wore a traditional cruse ship captain uniform, a lopsided white cap with black rim over sandy blonde hair, blue eyes and chiseled features staring forward. He seemed to be a man of great dicipline, and he seemed quite young for such an old ship. "This ship belongs to me. Please go to your assigned cabins and prepare for the voyage. There are a lot of people aboard, but let's all try to be respectful of those around us, ya?"

"Aye, Captain!" Randy said, saluting. The rest of the crowd stared at him.

"I will be in my quarters for now, and I apologize in advance for any turbulence we experience. This is an old ship, mates, there is not much time left for her. Any questions?" A hand was raised. "Yes?"

"Where's the mini-golf?"

"That's on the SS Expensiveshit, you must be on the wrong ship, my good man." Maples replied, and a small flood of people left the boat. Suddenly it was much more roomy, though still there were a fair amount of people. Several people let out a breath. A few children had nearly suffocated, including Ike, who spent the next several minutes taking deep breaths. "Now, I said find your cabins."

"Hey Stan, didn't you say your little girlfriend was on here?" asked Sharon.

"Yeah dude." Stan noted.

"Looks like we'll finally get to meet her parents." Randy said, "I wonder what the Testaburgers are like..."

"We'll find out later, let's just find our cabin." Stan said, crossing his arms, not in the mood to think about his girlfriend's family. He didn't go around the Testaburger home too often, and when he did, he didn't prefer to stay long. He didn't anticipate this challenge.

"We're in Room 138." Randy noted, taking a key out of his pocket. "You see it, son?"

"No."

"There it is, dad!" Shelly smiled, pushing several people out of the way and running for a door. The people got up, shot looks, then went on their merry way as if nothing had happened. Nobody messed with Shelly Marsh, it seemed. The Marsh family quickly caught up to their daughter, Randy putting the key into the door and opening it,

"Wow, three beds." Randy said, laying on one. "Which one of you kids is sleeping on the floor?"

"What?" Stan exclaimed with anger.

"Stan, your mother's ass is too big and there won't be enough room for both of us on the bed." Randy explained.

"What!" Sharon crossed her arms, "Oh I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of your internet porn!"

"Jesus watches porn, I suppose we should convert to Scientology!" Randy accused.

"Aw, Christ." Stan nosebridgepinched. Shelly, noticing their parents distracted, raised her arm, "You can have the bed." Shelly lowered her arm, feeling defeated. If Stan felt like sh*t and was ready to be attacked, there was no point in attacking. She went to one of the beds as Stan laid in a corner.

"...Godammit."

---

Leave a review, keep criticism constructive and thanks for reading!

References:
* Roy was Stan's stepfather in "Clubhouses"
* Randy lost his job in "About Last Night..." and again in "Creme Fraiche" and gained it back the first time with no explanation, and in the second mentions getting it back the next day.
* Sharon's name joke is a reference to "Death" where she is referred to as Carol.
* Randy being "hot and bothered" while cooking is a reference to "Creme Fraiche"
* Sharon's tampon is a reference to "Towelie"
* The whole 'lighting cow crap on fire' thing is an extended reference to "Kenny Dies"
* Carl Denkins is the farmer from "Cartman Gets An Anal Probe", "Chickenlover", "Scott Tenorman Must Die" and "Fun With Veal"
* Cartman has blue eyes as a result of "The Succubus"
* Nerections are from "Spontaneous Combustion"
* The 'every few months' bit is to explain "Dead Celebrities" and other exceptions.
* Stan and Wendy making up is a reference to my fic "I Love You Forever"
* Shelly listening to Britney Spears is a reference to "South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut"
* Howard is what Grampa calls Randy as of my fic "The Man Behind The Mask"
* Randy's porn is a reference to "Over Logging"
* Jesus watching porn is a reference to "200"
* The Marshes converting to Scientology is a reference to "Trapped in the Closet"

[JVM]

Chapter 2

"I'm on a boat-" Randy Marsh was cut off by his wife's hand. Her blue eyes met his brown, and she removed her hand.

"What did I tell you about singing that song?" There was a long pause.

"...I'm on a boat! I'm on a boat! Everybody look at me, 'cause I'm sailing on a boat! I'm on a boat! I'm on a boat! Take a good, long, look at the motherfucking boat!" Randy smiled.

"Are you guys sure it's safe to walk on this deck? This boat seems old." Stan said.

"Well, we should meet our... cruise-mates, whatever." noted Randy out loud, "Hey, look, I think I saw a sea turte!" Randy ran to the side of the boat, peeking over the railing, "Awh man, it's gone."

"Of course you'd think you saw something." Sharon rolled her eyes, crossing her arms.

"Shee you later, turdle-dove." Shelly punched Stan and ran off. Stan rubbed his wound and ignored his arguing parents and went to find Kyle or Wendy. He thought quickly of the various places on the ship and then snapped his fingers - of course.

xXx

The cruise ship had a a small library. The furniture was wooden and there weren't many books - most revolving around marine life, the ocean, ships and the like. It was far from the big expensive libraries Kyle often fantasized about, but it quelled his desire for knowledge, reading and peace. He was almost alone, but he didn't need to worry. Wendy was reading not far, but she was a mature individual at least. But to his surprise, her parents were there, too - Deborah was reading a book on city planning, and Sean was reading a book on... Kyle couldn't make it out. It was all quite peaceful. Just how Kyle liked it.

"GAH!" Kyle hopped up in his seat, landing, and turning, "What the he- oh, it's just you, Stan." he said, "'sup man?"

"I'm bored. I've never been on a cruise before dude. I don't even know what to do." Kyle shrugged, "Well what kind of stuff's on here?"

"There's an Arcade, an Aquarium, a bowling alley... there was a basketball court but apparently they had to close it."

"An Arcade? Let's go." Stan smiled, "Oh, uh, hold on... I'll meet you there in five." he said. Kyle nodded, shrugged and left as Stan approached the Testaburger family, "Hello."

"Oh, hello..." Sean said, raising an eyebrow. Wendy smiled and got up to hug him,

"Hi Stan!"

"BLEEEAUGH!" Vomit quickly covered the two children to the shock of Wendy's parents. "Sorry Wendy."

"It's okay." Wendy turned, hand on Stan's, "Mom, dad, this is my boyfriend, Stan."

"...I don't think he should be spending time with you if he's sick, Wendy." Deborah noted with concern at her daughter, who did not seem to even notice the fact the remains of a hearty breakfast now covered her cap, face, hair, and body. Yet her mother was distressed by the sight of her daughter covered in bits of egg and bacon.

"He's not sick. That's just how he says 'I love you'. Right Stan?"

"BLEUGH!"

"Hey, there was a guy at my school who did that, Randy." Sean laughed a bit. "He was pretty stupid, kind of a big bully. One of the football players with that Quib guy. He used to smoke weed constantly... what do you remember, Deborah?"

"He was pretty good in bed."

"What?"

"What?"

"Hey, m-my dad's name is Randy." noted Stan out loud nervously. He immediately wished those words had not left his mouth.

"...what did you say your last name is?" Sean raised an eyebrow as he looked at the boy. His wife and daughter exchanged looks of nervousness as he closely studied the boy. Stan felt the eyes on him like daggers.

"Randy Marsh."

"Oh ho ho Randy Marsh is your father? Wow do I feel sorry for you." Sean said, putting a hand on his face. The poor kid.

Deborah slapped her husband lightly on the arm, "Oh come on Sean, Randy was so great to me in high school, I'm sure he's matured since then. He managed to marry and have a son! I'm sure your dad is a great guy Stanley."

"Oh really he was the biggest asshole in High School!" Sean replied

"You knew my father?"

Deborah laughed again. "Knew him! We dated throughout junior and half of senior year! I always wondered what happened to Randy. I had no clue your boyfreind's last name was Marsh Wendy!"

"Well you never ask me about my boyfriend." Wendy replied

Sean crossed his arms. "I never liked the idea of my little girl dating so young." He pointed a finger in Stan's terrified face. "I have my eye on you young man!"

"Uhhh... 'kay. You know she dated Token that one time too so it hasn't always just been me." Stan said quickly, again regretting his words.

Wendy looked shocked. "Stan! Don't worry, daddy, Stan is a prefect gentleman to me!"

"He better be or I'll have his hide." Sean gave Stan a dirty look. Deborah patted her husband on the arm again.

"Shh honey, they're only nine, nothing bad will happen. Go back to reading your copy of Lord Of The Rings."

"Oh I love that movie!" Stan piped up, smiling.

"No sucking up to me young man! I'm sure you're young and innocent now but once you hit puberty I know exactly where your mind will be!" Sean was glaring at the boy he sure hoped was not his future son-in-law. Stan wanted to run the hell out, but memories of his girlfriend kept him firm in place.

"That's okay Mr. Testaburger, I already went though puberty!"

"You don't think with your dick do you?"

"No sir I think with my heart." Stan said

"Oh Stan you are so sweet!" Wendy gave Stan another kiss on the cheek, and he promptly threw up on her again automatically.

"BLEUGH!"

"Good, otherwise I'd have chopped it off. You seem like a nice, mature , boy... a bit of a weak stomach though." Sean commented, seemingly won, but defenses still ready should he step a toe out of line.

"He thinks with his heart and his stomach sweetie! It's cute!" Deborah smiled, trying to find the best in her daughter's boyfriend.

"Yeah, you thought it was cute when that asshole Randy would do it to you in high school, too. I'm so glad you're not with that loser anymore." Sean said to his wife dismissively.

"So what is your mother's name, Stanley?" asked Deborah.

"Sharon, the woman who married that loser. My mom." said Stan.

"What? Sharon Kimble?" Sean said, putting his book down, green eyes with shock, "Tell me you're kidding!"

"What does it matter to you?" Stan asked.

"It's nothing, just, uh, Sharon Kimble was the head cheerleader in High School. Smart girl, too." Sean said. "It's nothing."

"Oh no, don't tell me... aw, AWH!" Stan nosebridgepinched. He did not need to think about his parents skreeonk his girlfriend's parents.

"Look, it was a... different time..." Deborah said, looking away, hands together.

"Is that what this is- aw, no, I wasn't involved with Sharon, I just..." Sean grumbled, "Nothing, I just really really liked her."

"No offense Mr. Testaburger, but a lot of guys really really liked my mom." Stan said, "I mean, sometimes I still spot guys gawking at her in the super maket."

"When your mom started.. developing in the fourth grade... I... I was like a different person." Sean insisted, suddenly quick to cover his own perverted tracks.

"Dad!" "Sean!" both Deborah and Wendy looked horrifed and Stan's face started to turn green again.

"How dare you objectify Stan's mom back then dad!"

"I couldn't help it, I was only nine! And I know exactly what I wanted to do then - you may think you have me fooled Stanley Marsh, but I was once in your shoes." Sean narrowed his eyes at Stan.

"Look dude, I don't like Wendy like that-" Sean's glare was still intense, "I mean, I do, she's pretty and all, but-" No change. "Aw, godammit, I can't win can I?"

"WENDY MARIE TESTABURGER I FORBID YOU FROM SEEING THE OFFSPRING OF RANDY MARSH AND SHARON KIMBLE!"

"You can't do that daddy! You can't!" Wendy looked horrified, holding her two hands together, her brown eyes staring at her father with fear.

"Wendy, go back to the room and... just take a shower. Don't get any ideas about that Stanley either." ordered Sean. Wendy's face crumpled up as if she was going to cry as she bolted out of the room.

"Wendy, wait..." Stan sighed.

"The thought of my little girl walking around covered in puke and liking it, its disgraceful." Sean shook his head.

"Now Sean be nice. I'm so sorry about that Stanley. If you want introduce your parents to us sometime before this is over okay?" Deborah said, hoping to diffuse the situation. She'd wanted to be a social worker as a little girl, she felt bad to see her husband go off like this.

"Yeah, okay..." Stan mubmled, his blue eyes staring away towards the girl he could not see.

"Come on Deborah." Sean said, taking his wife's arm and moving away from Stan, out of the library, and into the hallway. Stan stood there, staring forward where Wendy had been, and he felt the song pouring into his head again.

"Thank my lucky stars...

Here before me now...

Is everything I'd ever hoped for...

Saw it in the wind...

Knew it in a glance...

The only thing I think I'd die for...

I can't stop now...

My heart's awake...

I feel your arms...

My arms to take...

So this is why I'm alive..."

xXx

Shelly Marsh sat by the luxurious pool in the sun, she still wore her jacket as she looked across the pool at some sunbathing women wearing bikinis. She was a bit too embarassed with her appearance to be seen in public in a bathing suit like that. Ever since her headgear had been installed her self-esteem had went down the toliet. She sat back in her chair putting her sunglasses on her head pretending to take a nap.

A waiter apporached her, "Excuse me miss, can I get you anything?"

Shelly thought for a minute when another employee ran up to the waiter, "Hey Larry. You remember that guy in the bar, the one with the black moustache? He's not allowed to be served there anymore, just a heads up."

"God, there's always one stupid drunk on the cruise who ruins it for everyone isn't there?" the waiter looked down at Shelly.

"Are you here with family, miss?"

"My familysh dead." Shelly quipped sarcastically. She had not thought it out, there was no premeditation - the words came out. Unlike her pussy brother, she didn't care though.

"I'm so sorry to hear that! Are you from the charity? The one offering free cruises to orphans?"

"Sure I am." Shelly said, not really giving two shits, deciding to humor them. She enjoyed screwing with people's heads, and this was a perfect oppurtunity. "My dad got too drunk onshe behind the wheel and crashed. My brother was in the car and died inshantly. Mom killed hershelf becaushe she couldn't take the pain." She kept her pokerface up, although she really wanted to laugh at the idea of Stan being a bloody mess on the pavement.

The waiter shook his head. "You poor thing, you've been through so much. Anything you want on this cruise is complementary okay? I'll bring you anything you want."

"Really now?" Shelly sat up, sunglasses falling down her nose slightly, an eyebrow raised. She applied a fake sweetness to her voice, "Gee shir, thatsh really nishe of you."

"And your room miss, how's your room? I know the charity gives private luxury suites to all of it's children."

"It was fine, ooh, but I seem to have lost my key, can you make me another copy?" Shelly asked.

"Yes, I'll bring it to you immediately, miss!" the waiter nodded, rushing off. Shelly smirked and put her arms behind her head - she could get used to this.

References:

* Turdle-Dove is from "Cat Orgy"
* Mrs. Testaburger was the City Planner in "Night of the Living Homeless"
* Quib was first mentioned in "Tweek vs. Craig"
* Wendy dating Token is a brief nod to "Raisins"
* The Lord of the Rings bits are a reference somewhat to "The Return of the Fellowship of the Ring to the Two Towers"
* Stan's song 'Thank my lucky stars...' has been featured on the show a few times, instrumentally in "Pink Eye" and I believe another instance, as well as sang by Courtney Ford in "Tom's Rhinoplasty". The version I used here is from an early draft of "South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut" which was later replaced with 'There's the girl that I like...'

[JVM]

Chapter 3

"I just don't know what to do, dude."

"Uh-huh." Kyle Broflovski loved arcades. He also loved Battle Growlers V. But most importantly, he loved kicking Stan's ass at Battle Growlers V. Kyle's Alpha Velociraptor was slashing, bitching and positively destroying Stan's Spinosaurus, and Stan was barely moving the controller, his eyes not focused. Kyle had to feign interest in his friend's romantic problems - Kyle could care less about girls or romance since his girlfriend was deported to Yardale by her parents. Assholes.

"I love Wendy, and I don't want to lose her, but her parents won't let us be together."

"Yeah, right."

"I figured you might have an idea what to do. You're the smartest person I know besides Wendy." Kyle paused the game turned around and glared.

"BESIDES Wendy?"

"Dude, I-"

"Look Stan, you're letting your love for Wendy get in the way of things and blind you. Being on a cruise is about having fun. Quit whining and just try to enjoy yourself. Wendy's parents will get over it. Jesus Christ."

"You don't get it Kyle! Her parents hate mine without giving me a chance! It's like Romeo and Juliet." Kyle did a combo move tearing the head off Stan's Spinosaurs. He sighed and put down his controller.

"You are such a fag when it comes to your girlfriend, dude."

"It is dude, it's like Romeo and Juliet, just on a boat." insisted Stan.

They heard the door open as Randy appeared, I'm on a boat, I'm on a boat, look at me skreeonk hanging out with my son and his freind on a motherfucking boat!"

"Dad!"

"Hi Mr. Marsh." Kyle greeted.

"Stanley, you haven't seen your sister around have you?" he asked.

"Can't say that I have... hey dad can you do me a favor?" Stan asked hopefully.

"Kyle, have you seen your dad around?" Randy ignored his son's plea.

"Dad! Don't have any more drinks now! I want you to meet someone kind of important to me." Stan said nervously.

"What, is Brian Boitano on the boat? I"M ON A BOAT IM ON A BOAT WITH A MOTHERFUCKING FIGURE SKATING STAR!" Kyle snickered at Randy's behavior - if it was his dad doing that he would be mortified, but it was helping Stan shut the skreeonk up about Wendy and crappy Shakespeare plays and stuff. Like Wendy could ever be smarter than him.

xXx

Shelly had asked for the most expensive restaraunt on the ship and by God they listened - Le Merde practically charged an entrance fee. Shelly was sitting with an attendent who was to cater to her every whim - at first it bothered her she'd be followed the whole time, but she grew to like the idea of having a minion. "Sho, what'sh the most expenshive item on the menu?" Shelly asked the attendent, who's name was of no importance to her.

"Little Tortured Baby Cow Chops, ma'am." he answered, flashing his best smile.

"Oh, schweet..." Shelly said, "I mean, uh, my brother loved little tortured baby cow shopsh before he was, uh, killed..." she lied, a part of her wanting to eat it just with the knowledge of how pissed her brother would be if he knew.

"All righty then." the man said. Shelly suspected slightly if he was Mormon, but this was interrupted as a waiter approached.

"Hi, what would you like?" this waiter made no attempt to fake a French accent. Cheapass. That was coming out of his tip.

"I'd like two platesh of Little Tortured Baby Chow Chopsh, pleashe." Shelly smiled. "Oh, and for an appetizer, the chicken caesar salad."

"Oh, it'll be right here!" the waiter nodded, writing down her order and dashing off.

"I'm really sorry about your brother." the attendent said, "How old was he?"

"Oh, he was nine.' Shelly replied.

"Too young for such a tragedy, you two must have been so close."

"He was a stupid turd."

"Awh," the man said, "You don't need to hide your feelings, Shelly, we all deal with the loss of a loved one."

"No really, he WAS a stupid turd."

"That's not a very nice thing to say. What happened? Was your mother involved?"

"Yeah she was driving. Dad drank himself to death..."

"You poor thing, you've been through so much." he said consolingly.

xXx

Stan rapped at the door to the Testaburgers' room, awaiting an answer. Godammit, why was Wendy's father such an ass. Kyle had tagged along for the ride with the Marsh males.

"Hello?" Wendy's mother Deborah answered the door smiling, "Oh Randy, hello! Long time no see!"

Randy was busy singing the I'm on a boat song to whatever they were passing on the way to the cabin, as if life depended on it, but he stared in shock when he saw Deborah, even dropping his beer can to the floor. "Debbie Simmons, what are you doing here?"

"Oh, me and my husband were on the cruise. You remember Sean Testaburger?"

"Oh, Sean? That one nerd who practically lived in the library?" Randy laughed, "Awh, me and the guys used to throw rocks at him all the time outside of class. And that time in the library we stole his book and gave it back to him like three weeks after it was overdue that was classic. Whatever happened to that buttmuch anyway?"

"I'm right here." Sean said, appearing behind his wife. Randy's laughter stopped immiedately, "Hello Randy."

"Oh... uhhh hey Sean." Randy scratched the back of his neck, "How are you and Debbie?" There was a pause. "Debbie, how's your sister?"

"She moved to some Rhode Island town years ago, got a job in broadcasting. She died last fall. Long story." Deborah replied, as if there was no tension in this situation. "We miss Aunt Diane, don't we Wendy?"

"Yes mom." Wendy said blankly, focused on getting a glimpse of her boyfriend.

"I'm so sorry for your loss Debbie." Stan was kind of shocked how his father kind of straightened up and was actually acting... like an adult. He supposed there was a first time for everything though.

"Funny how we run into you. What's the occasion, Stanley?" Wendy pushed through the crowded doorway to her cabin and grabbed her boyfreind's hand, met with a prompt spray of puke to her face.

"Stanley? This is your girlfreind? Debbie Simmons' daughter? GOOD JOB SON!" Sean Testaburger looked like he was about to shoot something, while Debbie looked either pleased or embarassed. Or possibly both.

"No." Sean said, pulling Wendy back, "No daughter of mine is dating a Marsh child." he insisted, glaring at Randy.

"What? Nothing's wrong with me or my son, isn't that right Stanley?" Stan bent over and puked again. Kyle faceplamed, this was just embarassing.

"That's exactly what I'm talking about!" Sean said, "Not only is he the offspring of a jock asswipe, but he keeps puking on my little girl! Do you know how many showers she has to take? How many new sets of clothes she's bought?"

"Daddy, I told you it was fine! I don't mind taking lots of showers, and Stan eats pretty healthy so the stains come out of my jackets pretty easily!" Wendy protested solemnly.

"It's the principal of the matter is what's wrong with it!"

"Oh, so now you don't like what I allow my son to eat, is that right? Just go back to the library again nerd!" Randy said angrily.

"Being a nerd gave me my career." Sean crossed his arms.

"Oh yeah? Well I'm the most trusted scientist in the entire town!"

"That's because the other scientist just adds more asses to whatever the problem is!" Sean said.

"Stop!" Kyle stepped in between the warring parents, "Isn't it childish to let a feud from what, fifteen years ago come between your children? Stan hasn't bullied anyone - except Pip, but everyone bullied Pip, that's different - and Wendy's a smart girl who can make her own decisions. You can't just block your kids from seeing each other over some silly crap from when you were a little older than them. It's not fair to them." Kyle said.

"See, this is the kind of boy Wendy should be dating! A nice, smart Jewish boy." Sean said, crossing his arms.

"What!" Stan's eyes widened, jaw dropping instantly at the mere idea of his best friend and girlfriend as anything aside that.

"But we're Catholic dear..." said Deborah.

"What does that have to do with anything? You know Jewish boys are the guys every girl goes for..." Sean replied, "Besides he's smart, and he doesn't vomit on everything." he glared at Stan.

"Dude, no way, that's Stan's girlfriend." Kyle said, "Besides, my mom would have a cow. She prefers nice, Jewish girls. I don't want her to start another war."

"Your mother started a war?" Deborah said.

Kyle sighed. "She was the starter of the Canadian American war a year ago, and it's a sterotype to say all girls go insane for Jewish guys. It gives me a headache." Kyle took off his hat to rub his head and Deborah rushed up to him.

"Your hair is so cute Kyle! So red and curly!" She patted him on the head and he made a distaseful face and put his hat back on. Sean was mulling over the detalis in his head.

"For the love of Jesus..." Stan facepalmed.

"Your mother was Sheila Broflovski? She's not married to Gerald Broflovski is she?"

"Yeah my dad is named Gerald!" Kyle said.

"Hey, my best friend is named Gerald! Do you think they're related?" Randy interjected.

"I see his ads on television all the time! He always takes high-profile cases, I follow him in the paper. I've always been a fan of your father, Kyle." Kyle pinched the bridge of his nose.

Sean glared at Randy. "Except for that whole cheezing incedent. I can see how freindship can change you." Sean glared at Randy and Stan again.

"Come on!" Stan glared.

"Wow Stan your dad is an epic failure."

"Yes Kyle Broflovski, I can see you're a very intellegent and well adjusted young man - the very type of person who should be hanging around my daughter. I would be so dissappointed if my daughter ended up with the last name Marsh." Sean said.

"And it would be so cute to have red headed curly hair grandchildren." Debbie said. Sean glared slightly at his wife.

"Whoa whoa whoa there Sean, my son is nine years old, he should't have to worry about being tied down until he's at least 18." Randy said.

"It's puppy love Mr. Testaburger. Maybe you should see how it rides out pehaps?" Kyle said again, slightly defensively, as Stan and Wendy both shot him dirty looks.

"Daddy I love Stan, you can't keep us apart!" Wendy rushed up to hug her boyfreind around the neck but he threw up again, the vomit going down her back.

"That does it! Wendy should be enriching her mind with a boy like Kyle, not scrubbing stains out of clothes with a boy like Stan!" Sean Testaburger tried to pry his daughter off Stan as the boy continued to puke.

He grabbed hold of her by the sholders and dragged her back into the cabin despite Wendy's protests. "But but we've been in love since kindergarden!" Wendy protested.

"There's nothing wrong with my family, I need a beer." Randy grumbled and he took off. Kyle looked over at his friend, putting a consoling hand on his shoulder.

"Damn dude didn't know your stomach could hold so much. You finished yet?"

"Yeah, I think so." Stan gasped.

"Good, because I wanted to check out this new game they had in the rec room."

"God, you just don't care about anything Kyle, do you!" Stan turned, shouting, "My life is on the line here! You want Wendy for yourself, don't you?"

"No! I want to play fooseball with my best freind." Kyle said, somewhat annoyed, with a hint of betrayal - he didn't like this.

"Yeah, well maybe you should find someone new to play with because I sure as hell won't let Wendy's asshole dad keep us apart!" Stan ran off in the opposite direction, stomping his feet.

"Godammit..." Kyle mumbled under his breath. "Liking girls is for pussies anyway! Go off and be mad, I'll play fooseball with my genuis brother!" he shouted, going off to the deck, looking off into the peaceful calm ocean. "Ugh, I hate girls. All they do is mess things up."

"Heheh, Kyle's gay." Kyle looked down to see a small raft with two boys on it, drifting past the boat. "Yeah, totally gay."

"Bill and Fosse? What the hell are you assholes doing here?"

"Heheh, we're goin' on an adventure, heheh." Fosse said, spindly hair wet over his face.

"Adventures are gay, heheh." Bill giggled with his brother.

"What?" Kyle said.

"It's a long story, heheh." Bill said.

"Maybe we'll tell you sometime, if you're cool enough, heheh!" Fosse laughed as the raft slowly moved past.

"...aw, skreeonk." Kyle said, before shouting, "Good luck with your adventure, assholes!"

xXx

Shelly Marsh sat eaglespread on the bed in a nice, fancy private room. She had a bed complete with canopy, two dressers and a doorway, with pink walls and a gray carpet. There was also a large mirror and a huge walk-in closet. Not to mention an entertainment center complete with a flat-screen HD television. She held the phone to her head, wearing pajamas, "You have no idea how aweshome it ish, Kevin." she smiled, "I have my own attendents and everything. They don't question a word I say. Lishen to thish..." Shelly pressed the speaker phone button and turned to two attendents, "I want all of the cheeshe on the entire ship. Not a crumb out of plashe."

"You poor dear, of course!" the attendents ran off.

"What'd I tell ya, Kev?" Shelly chuckled, "Jeez, I gotta go through this phone, there's like four Kevins in here." she chuckled, "I'll call you later, I jusht had to tell shomeone how skreeonk aweshome thish ish."

xXx

"This land is your land!"

"This land is my land!"

Randy Marsh and Gerald Broflovski had drank far too much, and at this point the ship's barman was getting kind of sick of these two middle-aged men asking for more rounds and then acting like pretentious assholes who owned the place. "Hey Gerry, you know I used to think your wife was like, cool and stuff."

"Yeah... me too. HAHAHAHA." Gerald laughed loudly, putting an arm on his friend.

"Yeah, like you'd ever say anything bad about her within earshot of her, you are so whipped Gerry."

"At least I never seperated with her, she stuck with me through the ups and downs of my career."

"...I know." Gerry admitted, laughing his drunken ass off, "Barkeep, another round!"

"Hey, it was fighting that got us on this cruise together! And at least I'm not whipped!" Randy finished the rest of his beer and called for another one, he got serious for a moment without a drink in hand. "I think Stanley might be getting too serious about his little girlfriend."

"Please the boy can't even get near her, and all children need to know a bit about love and realtionships, it's what I've taught Kyle and Ike."

"Yeah, but the girl's father dissapproves of the relationship. I think he has a grudge against me for never getting laid in highschool, doesn't want my son to date his daughter... there's nothing wrong with my son or my family."

Gerald rolled his eyes and passed Randy a bottle of whiskey. "Shut up man, I thought we'd come here to talk about man stuff, like cars, or chicks who are not our wives, or the horse races or... kittens. have a shot you'll feel better."

Randy took a shot. "I'm proud of my son dammit! The boy has good taste! You remember Debbie Simmons from highschool right?"

"Debbie Simmons... she was- oh, now I remember. She was nice-lookin' for a kinda nerdy-ish chick. One of those girls ya hear looks better with her clothes off, heh." Gerald chuckled.

"Hey asshole, she was my girlfreind for over a year in highschool. If you hadn't been high off cat pee that entire year you might have remembered." Randy accused.

"Whoa calm down there Randy. You'd never get that worked up over Sharon...oh yeah because she's your wife. Yeah now I kinda remember Debbie mostly of how you would whine about trying to impress her while me and Stuart had fun."

"Well Debbie MARRIED that nerd Sean Testaburger. The one who would tattle on us for getting high in the library? Their daughter is Stan's little girlfreind."

"Oh whatever Randy. I'm sure Kyle's had little girlfreinds as well, some girl keeps calling our house asking for him and Ike usually will talk to her. Calls her baby and stuff. It's childish romance. don't make a big deal of it okay?"

"No you know what Gerry? this isn't about Stan or Wendy or love or whatever it means for a kid. It's about getting back at some pompous geek who's mad at me FOR NO REASON. God I'm going to do anything in my power to make sure Stan stays with that girl IF ONLY TO STICK IT TO SEAN TESTABURGER!"

"Hey, hey, man, calm down." Gerald said, putting an arm on Randy's shoulder, "Come on, get some food before you do something you might regret... you need to have a full stomach so you can actually KICK his ass and not just humiliate yourself."

"Yeah, you know, I could really go for some cheese right now."

"Good idea Randy." Gerald signaled the bar tender. "Hey can we have an order of nachos and a couple of sprites please?"

"Uh, sure guys, but we're kind of out of cheese. We've got plenty of sprite though." the barkeep said.

"Out of cheese? What kind of cheap ass cruise line is this? Fine can you get my freind a cheeseburger then?"

"Sir?"

"Sorry, hamburger. Randy calm down and have some french fries. you can kick Mr. Testaburger's ass later." Gerald said.

To Be Continued...

Leave a review, keep criticism constructive and thanks for reading!

This fic might end up being kind of long. I'm milking it a bit since it's my penultimate South Park fic, and I figured as long as SPU is separate fics now I might as well stop rushing.

References:

* Brian Boitano is the boys' hero, most shown in "South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut"

* Veal was renamed 'Little Tortured Baby Cow' in "Fun With Veal"

* Diane Simmons is a character from Family Guy.

* The other scientist is Dr. Alphonse Mephesto from early seasons and "201"

* Stan bullied Pip particularly in "Hooked on Monkey Phonics"

* Four Kevins? Kevin McCormick, Kevin Stoley, Kevin Mephesto, and there's plenty others.

* Cheesing is a reference to "Major Boobage" of course.

* Stuart and Gerald were friends as children as mentioned often in "Clubhouses"