Kaiju Carnage Episode 1: Earth Destruction Directive

[Kaiju-King42]

Kaiju Carnage Episode 1: Earth Destruction Directive: Godzilla vs. Gigan

A long time ago, the seventies in fact, in a Japanese city far, far away, a giant space chicken and a three-headed dragon faced off against a giant radioactive dinosaur and a very horny ankylosaur. This is how it happened:

On a far away island, known as Monster Island, lay a huge mound of spikes, moving up and down with each breath. This spiked mound was the shell of the monster Anguirus, who was fast asleep, having passed out in a recent drinking contest with Rodan. Perhaps it hadn’t been the best idea to go against the mutant pteranodon, after all his mates death from a volcano in the fifties is what had lead to his drinking problem and near invulnerability to alcohol. But Anguirus wasn’t worried about having to give Rodan his own share of breakfast the following day; he was to busy enjoying his dreams of Mothra pole dancing in a bikini.

Then… it came.

A high pitched shriek filled Anguirus’s eardrums, startling the half drunk kaiju and sending him scrambling to his feet, searching for the source. He howled in annoyance, as the sound was giving him a headache. He could hear Gorosaurus behind a hill, having also been woken up by the noise.

Gorosaurus: Jesus! That just scared the crap out of me!

Anguirus: Tell me about it. I can smell your crap all the way over here!

Soon, the noise abruptly stops. Anguirus’s eardrums continue to ring as he wadded away. Gorosaurus’s head peeked over the hillside.

Gorosaurus: Hey, where you going?

Anguirus: Someplace your crap isn’t! Seriously, it stinks so bad it could attract another Hedorah!

Gorosaurus: Your almost right. Look who’s coming…

Baragon comes galloping onto the scene, his two ears perked up like a dog’s.

Baragon: Do I smell a half digested Ookondoru? Cause if so than make room for me!

Gorosaurus: Gladly.

Anguirus: Oh god, I am out of here. I still can remember the time that guy found a two year old Ebirah claw washed on shore.

Not wanting to witness Baragon eat the crap covered Ookondoru, Anguirus hurried down the beach. Waves washed against the shoreline, and a startled Gezora scurried back into the safety of the sea as Anguirus drew closer. Soon, the mutant Ankylosaur heard a strange voice calling him. Crawling around a small mountain, Anguirus found Godzilla.

Godzilla: HEY! ANGULIA!

Anguirus: Oh god. Did you attack a nuclear submarine and get drunk on nuclear waste again? Your voice sounds weird.

Godzilla: SOMETHING FUNNEY IS GOING ON! YOU BETTER CHECK!

Anguirus: Wait, why do I have to check? Ask Rodan or Varan. They can fly there in no time.

Godzilla: HURRY UP!

Anguirus: Okay! Geeze, you don’t have to be a jerk.

The vast body of the mutant ankylosaur plunged into the cool water as Anguirus began to swim to Japan. Why he chose this to be the potential source of the signals? Stuff always happened in Japan. It seemed to more or less be an unspoken rule of the universe lately. Anguirus wondered to himself what the shrieking noise could have originated from as he spate seawater from his mouth. Whatever it was, Anguirus had the feeling that it was not good.

[Kaiju-King42]

The days passed by, and Anguirus had not yet returned from his journey. Monster Island reverted back to its usual practices. Kumonga was hunting the Kamacuras, the Kamacuras were hunting Minya, Godzilla was destroying every Kamacuras that dared to hunt Minya, and Baragon followed after, snacking on the remains of the Kamacuras. Finally, Anguirus returned, and he had a story to tell.

Godzilla: Your back! About time.

Anguirus: Yeah, well, that was Varan’s fault really. Sneaky bastard has been roaming Japan and still hasn’t been noticed.

Godzilla: Sneaky doesn’t even begin to describe him. I heard that the humans still think he’s dead because they detonated bombs in his stomach. So, did you find anything?

Anguirus: Me? No. I got there only to see the JSDF arranged on the beach. Had to leave.

Godzilla: Why didn’t you just go through anyway? What kind of self-respecting kaiju gets driven off by the military?

Anguirus: It wasn’t my fault! Gamera made me swear not to harm humans for a month. He was threatening to drop me into a volcano!

Godzilla: What! I am going to go give that child loving freak of nature a piece of my mind!

Anguirus: That can wait. When I was heading back here Varan showed up. He had heard during his travels in Japan that a bunch of alien cockroaches were here on Earth, undercover in a place called World Children’s Land.

Godzilla: Sounds like some place Gamera would live.

Anguirus: Believe me, this is much worse than Gamera. Apparently, the aliens have King Ghidorah under mind control again, and a new monster that they called “Gigan”.

Godzilla: Ghidorah. The three guys I hate more than Gamera. Why does he always get mind controlled?

Anguirus: And who could Gigan be?

Godzilla: What do they plan to do?

Anguirus: And how long has Manda been behind me?

Manda: Hi.

Godzilla: Hey, Manda, I need you to do me a favor.

Manda: What’s that?

Godzilla: I need you to babysit Minya. Protect him from Kamacuras, Kumonga, and Gabera while I’m away, okay?

Manda: Sure thing.

Anguirus: I thought I was the one who got babysitting duty?

Godzilla: Anguirus, you’re coming with me. I’ll fight Ghidorah, and you can fight Gigan.

Anguirus: Are you sure that’s a good idea? We don’t even know who this Gigan guy is.

Godzilla: Come on, how bad can he be? It’s not like he has a buzz saw on his chest or anything.

Anguirus: Ah, great. You jinxed it.

Godzilla: Don’t be a sissy. At least your not changing Minya’s diapers.

Manda: I have to do what?

Godzilla: Manda, just do it or I’m contacting the Gortengo to let them know your still alive.

Manda: Fine. But you owe me. One of these days you have to let me destroy Tokyo with you.

Godzilla: It’s a deal. Anguirus, let's head out. God knows what these aliens are up too.

Godzilla and Anguirus splash into the sea, ready to save Japan from total destruction. At the same time, strange things were happening in the dark reaches of space, as a meteor and a crystal exploded in a haze of fire. From the crackling flames, two figures emerged, heading straight for Earth…

[Kaiju-King42]

Perhaps, in a facility somewhere in Japan, the people below may have picked up strange noises coming from two, rapidly approaching objects in space. Perhaps they would have listened to the noises, and perhaps they may have recognized one of the noises to be the cackle of the space dragon, King Ghidorah. They might have listened to the other one, and decided that it was new, a completely new sound.

But of course this is all speculation. For all we know, they could be partying so hard that they went out and bought a bunch of fish masks from the local market place, and then come back to the party wearing them and scaring other drunks out of their skin whilst singing "Save the Earth."

Thankfully for all our sanity, the scenario was the former one. Indeed, King Ghidorah and a new monster seemed to be heading straight to Earth, cackling, shrieking, and doing random backflips for no apparent reason.

Finally, Ghidorah and the new monster reached Earth, flying around a human built tower that looked like Godzilla.

King Ghidorah: Alright Gigan, as this is your first time attacking earth, I shall fill you in on the details. You will then take the final examination and I will grade your results.

Gigan: I'll be fine, Ghidorah. Nothing beats a badass with a buzz saw i his belly.

King Ghidorah: Yeah, about that... why did you get a buzz saw implant again?

Gigan: It's the new look for us space monsters! Belly button rings were deemed too casual, so the new fashion is belly buzz saws. Didn't you see the advertisement on Planet X?

King Ghidorah: Planet X is a barren wasteland populated by underground aliens. Trust me, we don't get a lot of notice from the big companies the Mysterians own.

Gigan: Oh. Well, the advertisement shows that belly buzz saws are not only fashionable, but are great for physical labor. If work stresses you out, you can murder your boss. If your having relationship problems, you can murder your partner. If you wanna play a song on the piano but you can't quite figure it out, you can murder the piano. It's a very useful device you see.

King Ghidorah: And the hook hands?

Gigan: You mean my hammer claws?

A sly smile creeps across Gigan's beak as he clangs his hammer claws together.

Gigan: I love these babies.

King Ghidorah: But they don't look like hammers. Why are they called hammer claws?

Gigan: They're not supposed to look like hammers, they're supposed to be used for hammering female kaiju you come across.

King Ghidorah: EWW! Gigan! Where in the name of Gorath do you get your mechanical parts from? That's nasty!

Gigan: The Mysterians make them, remember?

King Ghidorah: The same race that wants to conquer other planets to steal their women? I should have known. Gigan, you are better off with the Black Hole Aliens next time. They produce actual weapons instead of sex toys!

Gigan: Really? Could they fit in that laser eye I've wanted so badly all these years?

King Ghidorah: They sure could. They could probably give you bladed hands with built in grappling hooks while your at it.

Gigan: Oh, okay. Thanks!

King Ghidorah: No problem. And Gigan, remind me to blow up Moguera next time I see him.

Gigan: Why?

King Ghidorah: After learning what those Mysterians make, I'm kinda scared to find out the purpose behind Moguera's nose drill.

Finally, a voice came out from the Godzilla Tower, commanding Gigan and Ghidorah to destroy Tokyo. The two monsters flew off to trash the city.

Gigan: Wait, is Godzilla really twice as tall as us?

King Ghidorah: No, of course not.

Gigan: Then why was the Godzilla Tower so big when we were flying around it?

King Ghidorah: ... I have no idea.

All three heads look back, only to see the Godzilla Tower at a normal size.

King Ghidorah: What the heck? That's odd.

Gigan: Hey Ghidorah?

King Ghidorah: What?

Gigan: Why do you look so fake when you fly? You look like a plastic toy!

King Ghidorah: ... shut up.

Gigan: Your necks aren't even moving or anything and-

King Ghidorah: I SAID SHUT UP!

The two space monsters were beginning to reach Tokyo, ready to destroy the world for eternal peace.

Gigan: Well now that just makes the Nebulan's sound like suicide bombers.

[Kaiju-King42]

Gravity bolts split the air, tearing across roadways and destroying everything in their path. King Ghidorah flies overhead, his hurricane winds sweeping the remaining debris around Tokyo, each slab of concrete, each wooden board thrown by the winds causing yet more damage. They smash through walls and windows, crush cars and other escaping automobiles, and collide with unlucky civilians. Again, Ghidorah spits gravity bolts at practically everything in sight, levelling buildings and even entire city blocks in one strafe!

Meanwhile, Gigan stomps through the streets, cutting through buildings with his buzz saw, tearing down buildings with his hooks, and crushing cars beneath his feet. Shrieking into the night sky, Gigan kicks in a window, and...

Gigan: Woah! Wow! Hey Ghidorah! Come here, quick!

King Ghidorah lands a few feet away.

King Ghidorah: Now what?

The cyborg points to the window he just broke.

Gigan: In there! It's... it's... a bunch of giant dolls!

King Ghidorah: Wait, what are giant dolls doing in there?

Gigan: I was going to ask you the same question. I thought you were the expert on attacking Earth?

King Ghidorah: In all my planet raids, I have never, ever seen a store full of giant dolls. Seriously, those things are human sized! Why on earth would humans make giant dolls? Maybe it's a special effect problem, and these dolls are supposed to be humans?

Gigan: Or maybe...

King Ghidorah: What?

Gigan: Ghidorah, I think I might have just kicked in an adult oriented store.

King Ghidorah: You mean to tell me that those things are blowup... OH MY OROCHI!!!

Gigan: I know, right? And they say these 70's movies are supposed to be aimed at kids!

King Ghidorah: Tell that to Hedorah, who goes around turning everyone in his path into skeletons.

Hedorah: Did somebody say my name?

At that moment, Hedorah the smog monster crawls around the corner, humming as he goes along.

King Ghidorah: Hedorah? What are you doing here?

Hedorah: I'm here to save the poor kittens of this city you're so recklessly destroying.

Gigan: ....You're what?

Hedorah: You heard me!

King Ghidorah: Gigan, I think this I should tell you that Hedorah here, has a bit of a cat obsession.

Hedorah: Obsession? It's no obsession!

King Ghidorah: Hedorah, how many toes does your average cat have?

Hedorah: Oh, oh! Normal cats have five toes on each front paw and four on each hind foot. So, that makes a total of 18 toes. Polydactyl cats either have six toes each on the front paws or five toes each on the hind feet.

King Ghidorah: See, I told you he's obsessed with cats.

Hedorah: It's just a hobby, you three headed retard!

King Ghidorah: Hedorah, we have a Godzilla Tower a few miles back strong enough to harden you in seconds.

Gigan snickers in the background.

Gigan: "Harden you." Hehe.

King Ghidorah: Gigan, you're not helping. Although I suppose "harden" wasn't the word I was looking for.

Hedorah: Drying out?

King Ghidorah: Yeah, that's the one!

Hedorah: And how do you suppose you'll get me there in the first place?

King Ghidorah: ...I dunno.

Hedorah: Just leave me be, and let me save the cats of this city. You guys can go destroy those maser tanks over there.

Gigan: What maser tanks?

At that moment, a maser beam is fired into Gigan's red visor.

Gigan: OW! My eye!

Blinded by the maser, Gigan crawls into the trees.

King Ghidorah: Hey! Is that Gaira in there, with Gigan?

Hedorah: Hey, it is! Wonder what he's doing here. Anyway, catch up with you guys later. I'm out to collect some cats!

As Gaira and Gigan continue to crawl around in the trees, King Ghidorah destroys the remaining maser tanks with his gravity bolts. But two monsters are coming to stop their hellish actions, and save Japan...