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Mystery Fiction Readers 3000: The Return

Posted: Sun Jul 01, 2018 2:44 pm
by Kubo
Mystery Fiction Readers 3000: The Return


Discussion Thread: Click to Engage

Prologue: The Crash

“Transmission ended.” The words are distant, blurred in a semi-conscious haze. Tom Servo is plastered against a wall of the study. A metal support beam pokes out of his side. As Tom stirs, the words come through a little clearer: “Transmission ended.”

“Whuu—“ Tom’s confusion is yanked away from him by a fire in his right lung. That’s when he sees the beam, red with his blood. His face contorts in agony at the sight of the metal, nearly a foot long, that has him pinned to the wall. Tom scans the room for help. Where is H.A.Y.E.S.? Minerva? Are they even alive? In the wreckage of the Satellite of Hate, Tom fears the worst. If only he could move…

Tom tries to push himself up the length of the beam. The slightest adjustment of his body causes him to scream, a sound quickly cut off by choked heaving of blood. It drips down his gasping mouth.

Outside, it’s daytime. Tom can’t make out much because of the wreckage, but the air is mild. More importantly, perhaps—it’s breathable. Must have landed back on earth, Tom thinks. It doesn’t make much difference since I’m going to die.

“Transmission ended.” The main computer. The system has been crushed by the collapsed roof of the satellite. The display still faintly glows through the spider’s web of twisted metal.

“Transmission ended.”

Shut up.

Tom beats his head against the wall. If he could end his suffering any sooner, he would. Tom tries to recall what caused the crash, but his mind is too scrambled. He only can speculate. Perhaps H.A.Y.E.S. had finally gone off the deep end. He’s the only one mad enough onboard to crash the Satellite deliberately. It’s a wonder the whole thing didn’t go down sooner. Or maybe Dr. Goodlover had gotten enough information from his pathetic subjects. Destroy the satellite and its crew after he’s done. Leave no one alive. Almost a successful plan. How utterly typical of Dr. Goodlover.

What are those murmurs? Tom leans ever so carefully forward. They’re coming from outside. The hope of rescue rekindles Tom’s spirit. He watches the mess of rubble with bated breath, praying for another sign of life.

His prayer is answered. Piece by piece, the wreckage is cleared. The sun—or what Tom assumes is the sun—shines in. A cool wind dries the blood running down Tom’s face. A figure appears, silhouetted in the clearing. They must be at least seven feet tall. The figure sports a bulky spacesuit, making them all the more intimidating.

“Help…”

The word is strained coming out of Tom’s mouth. Feeble. He grits his teeth. The figure plucks a scrap from the satellite. And another. It dawns upon Tom that this isn’t a rescue mission; the figure is merely scavenging the Satellite of Hate.

Tom’s relief boils into anger. How could someone ignore him? The figure uses a handheld laser to slice the more sizeable portions of rubble into manageable pieces. Tom watches helplessly. This is how he’s going to die. Ten feet away from salvation.

The figure has cleared away the metal around the main computer, which hasn’t stopped its “transmission ended” chant this whole time. The figure inspects the piece of hardware and says something indistinguishable. It’s muffled behind the figure’s helmet.

An idea. Tom remembers a program he had created in the main computer, something that could deter the mischievous H.A.Y.E.S. from “accidentally” tampering with the logged transmissions. It’d deal enough voltage to knock out H.A.Y.E.S. long enough for Tom to put him in the brig. Who knows if the computer even works well enough to understand voice commands? For all Tom knows, the command would be his final words. And what if it didn’t work on the figure? The thought chills him, but Tom shakes off the thought of his imminent death. He steels himself for the pain those words will inflict upon him. The figure leans over the computer, inspecting its worth.

“Computer. Activate H.A.Y.E.S. deterrent.”

Tom’s eyes shut hard. His finger nails dig into his palms until they bleed. When he finally is able to open his eyes, he sees the figure sprawled out at his feet. The laser the figure was holding now lay within reach. That’s his chance. Tom clenches his teeth and extends his hand as far as he can. His fingers graze the weapon’s edge.

The figure stirs. Recognizing the situation, they groggily reach for the laser. It’s just out of their reach. Tom tries harder to grab it, but feels the searing pain of the beam in his side. The figure inches forward, enough to accidentally the bat the laser further away from them.

And closer to Tom.

Tom takes it in hand and aims the laser at the figure’s head. He fires. The beam pierces the helmet’s shield and burns through the back of the figure’s head. They drop, dead.

Tom breathes a sigh of relief and gives the figure one last look of disdain.

Thank you, computer. Tom never though he’d be thanking one of Dr. Goodlover’s creations.

Then, he does the best surgical job his shaking hands can muster as he cuts the beam from his back and chest. The part inside Tom’s chest he doesn’t bother trying to remove. He’s already losing enough blood as is.

Rising from the floor is a challenge. The beam fragment continues to taunt Tom, reminding him of his doom with each step he takes.
The outside world is exactly like Earth. The Satellite of Hate crashed at the foot of a forest. The leaves have started to change colors, signaling the coming autumn. There’s no sign of civilization in any direction. Only a heap of salvage the figure had picked and a buggy, which sits idly on a dirt road. Tom stops what he’s doing. The murmuring. There was someone else with the figure.

Tom ducks back into the Satellite’s wreckage. He points the laser outward into the unknown. The second figure nonchalantly walks from the backside of the satellite of the buggy. Tom aims. Tracking the figure until they reach the buggy and stop. Fire.

The beam misses just left of the figure. The figure whirls around and finds their laser, returning fire. Tom hides. He chances a look outside. A laser beam whizzes right past his head. Tom hides again and tries to steady himself. He caught a brief glance of the figure. They were hiding behind the buggy. Tom looks around the wreckage of the Satellite of Hate for another vantage point. A place to catch his opponent off-guard. Nowhere. Another shot blasts past Tom. And another. The shooter is antsy. Tom notices two holes in the satellite’s hull. Two that hadn’t been there before. They were from the laser.

Tom fires at a wall nearby. He guides the laser, forming a crude doorway out the backside of the satellite. Tom sneaks out as another laser shot rings out. His breath is heavy. He has to steady himself against the side of the hull as he walks. Once he reaches the side, Tom slows. He has a clean shot on the figure. He aims.

Knicked the figure’s shoulder. Not a kill shot. The figure rises from cover and aims. Tom fires at the same time as the figure.

Tom’s shot goes right through the figure’s heart. The figure’s shot wildly misses and puts a hole in the relay system atop the satellite. The figure collapses.

Tom hobbles across the clearing and stands over the figure. He crouches. He can only see his own reflection in the helmet’s shield. Unsatisfied, Tom removes the helmet to get a look at his attacker.

It’s an alien. Three-eyed, green-skinned, and scaly. Its sharp teeth form a permanent snarl on its dead face. A trickle of yellow blood leaks from its unshaped nose.

Were aliens to blame for the crash? Had they taken over the planet? As Tom drives the buggy down the road, these questions linger, like the pain in his side. He wonders if he’ll even survive long enough to find out.

S3E1: Cupcakes

Posted: Sat Jul 07, 2018 6:00 pm
by Kubo
In the slightly-more-distant future
Next Monday, A.D.
There was a guy named Tom,
Not too different from you or me.
He worked on a satellite up in space,
(du-nu-nu-nu-nu-du-something—ace)
He did a good job riffing fanfics,
But something must’ve happened
And he crashed back down to earth.

I’ll send him cheesy stories,
The worst on the web (la-la-la)
He’ll have to sit and read them all,
And I’ll monitor his mind (la-la-la).
Now keep in mind Tom can’t control,
Where the stories are coming from (la-la-la)
He’ll try to keep his sanity,
With the help of his co-star friends!

Co-Star Roll Call:
Kiryu! (That’s me.)
Mystic (I’m psychic!)
Trashmaaaaan (TRAAAAASH)

If you’re wondering how he eats and breathes,
And other things like that (la-la-la)
Then maybe you should read the story,
Instead of this silly song,
It’s Mystery Fiction Readers 3000!

Theme based upon parody lyrics by Ultraman Goji.


The road snakes through a dense forest. It’s narrow, two lanes clinging tightly to hillsides and dipping through valleys. It’s the sole indicator that any life has existed here. The droning hum of the engine is the only sound for what Tom figures must be miles. The monotony of the drive dulls Tom’s senses. A lack of stimulus draws his mind back to those questions about the fate of humanity. Could he be the only one left? What would he do if he was? Perhaps if Tom were alert, he would’ve noticed the alien outpost nestled in a valley, an outpost that burst into a hive of activity as the buggy whizzed by.

The road winds around a hill, which eventually opens into a clearing. Tom slows down at the end of the treeline. He gets out of the buggy. From the hillside, Tom sees a small town. A new structure, clearly alien amidst the warm brick buildings of this isolated community, sticks out of the ground like a black thorn. The upper portion of this structure appears to be a landing bay vessels. The lower portion is a haphazard cluster of different buildings, some not even matching the uniform black exterior of the upper half.

I need to be careful, Tom thinks to himself, barely a moment before a blow to the back of the head knocks him out cold.

* * *

The sting of the blow pulses as Tom comes to. He opens his eyes to a trio of faces, all staring at him with curiosity. One belongs to a short elderly man, dressed in a white tank top and cargo shorts. His breath reeks of spoiled milk. The tank top he wears has yellowed under his arm pits and an orange line down the middle is, Tom suspects, the result of eating spaghetti too hastily. The second face is far younger and pleasant. They wear a fancy black cloak and a t-shirt with a picture of the Andromeda galaxy on it. They seem to be chanting something quietly to themselves. Tom can’t make out a word of it. The last face…the last face is familiar?

“Kiryu?”

“How’d you get off that hunk of junk?” Kiryu’s gruff voice is a welcome bit of familiarity in this strange new world.

“It crashed. I don’t know why, and I don’t know what happened to the others.”

“We’re pleased you’ve joined us,” the second person says. They hold out their hand. “You can call me the Mystic One.”

Tom looks to Kiryu, who seems unimpressed by this “Mystic One”. He shakes their hand. “Tom Servo.”

“Like the robot in the show?”

“No, no. it’s a long story. Parallel universes, cloning, lack of originality.” The Mystic One nods their head understandingly.

“And I’m the Trashman,” the old man growls. His outstretched hand is grimy. When Tom shakes it, he feels a sticky substance catch on his palm. He wipes it on his pant leg and forces a smile. “I like to collect trash.”

“Do you have any on you?” Kiryu asks.

“I, uh—“

“He’ll check while you’re sleeping if you don’t give it over now.” Kiryu looks disdainfully at the Trashman. “Trust me.”

Tom removes a Twinkie wrapper from his front pocket and hands it over. The Trashman giggles and scampers away like a gremlin. “Where are we?”

“An Alien prison,” Kiryu answers. “Bastards captured me at the Kuiper Belt. I tried to outrun them in my ship, but they were too fast.”

The Mystic One chimes in with their story, “I was in the middle of my meditation when they grabbed me. They’ve done something to these walls to negate my abilities. I’m powerless here.”

“I’ve been in here for years,” the Trashman barks from across the tiny prison cell. “I’ve been collecting trash this whole time, but,” he digs through a mound of old wrappers and broken appliances, “I’ve stashed away a weapon that I can use to fight off those alien freaks.”

Tom lights up. “Really?”

The Trashman pulls a trash can lid out of the garbage. He wields it like he’s Captain America. Tom’s hopeful smile drops. This situation is utterly hopeless.

“Why are they keeping us alive?” Tom asks.

“Ain’t that the million-dollar question?” Kiryu scoffs as he walks back to his own corner and sits.

“They invaded two months ago,” the Mystic One says. “The Aliens wiped out most of the human population. If not for my telepathic abilities, they would have killed me too.”

“Two months? But the Trashman said—“

“Don’t trust a word that comes out of his mouth,” Kiryu states sharply. “He’s off the deep end.” His eyes linger on the Mystic One. Tom notices. Was he referring to the Mystic One too?

“Two months, two years. What’s the difference?” The Trashman bites an empty soda can and tosses it aside.

Suddenly, the prison door opens. An Alien guard enters. He doesn’t have on a helmet like the two Tom had encountered, but he does wear a breathing mask. His voice plays through a speaker on his bulky uniform. “You have been summoned.”

“This’ll be good,” Kiryu remarks.

“Silence!” The Alien unveils an electric prod and clubs Kiryu with it. He falls hard against the wall and cries out. The Alien turns to the other prisoners. “Anyone else have something they want to say?”

The prisoners are escorted through a shabby corridor by two Alien guards. Tom and the Mystic One walk side by side, while the Trashman wanders ahead. Kiryu limps behind them.

“Stay close to me,” the Mystic One instructs. “I have a plan to break out of here.”

The prisoners are led to an elevator, which takes them to the very top of the tower.

“Imagine if they’d made us take the stairs,” Tom quietly jokes to the Mystic One.

“Quiet, you,” the Alien orders.

The doors open. Beyond them, an ultramodern room that stands in stark contrast to the dank prison quarters below. The walls glow with a sanitized white aura. A receptionist’s desk sits directly ahead of the prisoners. A female Alien looks up from a display screen. Despite her desk job, she wears the same bulky outfit as the other Aliens and talks through a speaker. Her conversation is in the native Alien language, so Tom can only stare helplessly as she and the guard talk. Once they finish speaking, her attention returns to the display. Tom gets a glimpse of what’s on the screen as he passes: a YouTube video, specifically a “We Are Number One” meme video.

My god, Tom thought, is that what they’re judging humanity by?

Tom can’t linger on the thought long, as the group is escorted into the next room. One Alien waits for them. She dresses differently than the other Alien, appearing more like a well-dressed scientist than an astronaut, though she too has a breathing apparatus. She holds her hands behind her back and eyes each prisoner.

The guards shut the doors behind them as they leave. It’s followed by silence. The Alien doesn’t move an inch, but continues to look at the prisoners. Tom looks to Kiryu, but he’s focused on matching her gaze. This goes on for an eternity, as though the Alien were peering into their very souls and evaluating their worth. Tom looks about the room. It’s an office, with a large desk and a chair set in front of a big window overlooking the forest. Off to the right, a door. This one Tom felt he recognized. It reminded him of the one on the Satellite of Hate…

As if on cue, a familiar set of faces emerge from behind this door. Tom is dumbfounded. Dr. Goodlover, and his henchman, Bob. They look as demented as ever, but the mad doctor is taken aback by Tom’s presence.

“You?”

“Goodlover.”

“You should still be on the satellite. How did you escape?”

“I didn’t. It crashed.”

“Crashed?” Dr. Goodlover notices the Alien’s gaze has fallen upon him. He refocuses himself. “Chancellor Pearl would like us to begin the experiment now.”

“That’s why they kept you alive?” Tom asked.

“Why yes. They liked the test results enough to allow me to continue my work with new subjects. A less annoying group of subjects at that, though your presence does spoil things somewhat.” Again, Goodlover has to stop himself. Under the judging eye of Pearl, he grows increasingly anxious. Bob has yet to even look her way.

“What are these experiments he’s talking about, Tom?” the Mystic One asks.

The doctor answers, “You will be subjected to bad literature once a week for as long as I—or Chancellor Pearl—deem fit.”

“That doesn’t sound too bad,” the Mystic One replies.

“Give it time, Mystic,” Kiryu says. The trauma of his one experiment shows on his face.

“Now, without further ado,” Dr. Goodlover steps away from the door. “In you go.”

Suddenly, the Mystic One bursts into action. They raise their hands towards Pearl. “By the power of Grayskull, I vanquish you from this world!”

Everyone stares. Chancellor Pearl is unfazed. Her eyes squint ever-so-slightly at the display of powerlessness in front of her. The Mystic One’s confident expression fades into embarrassment.

Bob bursts into laughter. “What on Earth was that?”

“I wouldn’t test the Chancellor’s patience if I were you,” Dr. Goodlover warns.

The prisoners shuffle to the door.

“Nice escape plan,” Tom quietly remarks.

As the Mystic One passes Bob, he sticks his tongue out at them and erupts into laughter. The Mystic One’s hands ball up into fists. This kid would get his just deserts one day.

As the Trashman enters the new Study, the door behind the prisoners shuts. Darkness.

“Initiating Experiment A,” a computer voice states.

“Prepare for data transmission.”

A green light illuminates the bare room.

“Data received. Beginning Experiment A in

3

2


1.”





EXPERIMENT A

CUPCAKES: VOLUME 1:

Chapter 1 - Is it a prank?:

[Kiryu: I dunno, IS IT?!?]

The air was warm, the sun was shining, and everypony in Ponyville was having a glorious day.

[The Trashman: Of course they are! It's trash day!]

The town square was bustling and crowded and busy ponies filled the streets. All the pony folk seemed to have somewhere specific to be. All except Rainbow Dash; her place was in the sky. She tore freely through the air, speeding one way and the next, buzzing the tree tops and racing the wind.

[Kiryu: Okay, we get it. You’re fast.]

[Mystic: Rainbow received a ground probation after that incident with Applejack a few days ago.]

The blue pegasus swooped over a schoolyard, much to the delight of the children, then climbed several hundred feet and dove, streaking downward as fast as she could.

[Servo: KAMIKAZEEEEE!]

Seconds before hitting the ground, her wings flew open and she pulled up back into the clear blue. Rainbow felt alive.

Suddenly, Dash remembered that she had somewhere to be; she was supposed to meet with Pinkie Pie in five minutes.

[The Trashman: The meeting being about indoctrinating..... I mean, getting others invested in their cult..... I mean, franchise]

Dash had gotten so caught up in her exercises that she’d nearly forgotten that Pinkie had asked to meet her at Sugercube Corner at three. Pinkie hadn’t said why or what they’d be doing, but Dash knew that with Pinkie, it could be anything.

[Servo: Like butt stuff, for example.]

Dash wasn’t sure if she really wanted to go, though. She was so engaged with her stunts that she thought about blowing Pinkie off to continue flying. But, Dash’s conscience got the better of her. She knew that it would hurt Pinkie’s feelings; after all, Pinkie had said it was going to be something special just for the two of them. Dash considered it and thought “why not?” What did she have to lose?

[Mystic: Your dignity, your sanity, your reputation, etc etc.]

Heck, it might be more pranking.

[The Trashman: Careful now! I pranked someone by poking holes in something. Long story short, it horribly backfired, and I found myself with two kids]

Pinkie might have found a bunch more fun stuff to pull on folks, and they’d had so much fun the last time.

[Mystic: They are however, permanently banned from the Griffon Kingdom.]

Dash kicked into overdrive to make up for lost time, and sped to her appointment.

[Kiryu: So would you say she shifted into Maximum Overdrive?]

When Dash walked into the store, she was immediately greeted by her host, who was bouncing in excitement. “Yay, you’re here! I’ve been waiting aaall day,” said the jumping pony.

“Sorry if I’m a little late, Pinkie. I was doing my afternoon exercises and lost track of time,” Dash apologized.

[Kiryu: “And may have accidentally injured a couple ponies in the process.]

Pinkie giggled and responded in a gleefully reassuring tone, “Oh that’s ok, you’re here now. What‘s a few more minutes? I’ve been sooo excited thinking about all fun stuff we’re gonna do, I haven’t stopped bouncing since I woke up. I mean, I almost forgot to breathe I’ve been so happy.”

[Servo: “I am so high on cocaine right now, you have no idea.”]

Dash gave a slightly uncomfortable laugh. She had always appreciated Pinkie Pie’s friendly, outgoing way of life, but Pinkie’s overabundant enthusiasm almost creeped her out. Dash maintained a polite expression, however. If Pinkie was this worked up, whatever she had planned must be good.

[Kiryu: Oh if only you knew…]

“So, you ready to get started, Rainbow Dash? I’ve got everything all ready,” the pink pony said.

Dash psyched herself up. “You betcha, Pinkie. So what do ya got planed? We gonna prank somebody? I got a couple of good ones I’ve been thinking about. Or maybe you’ve got some stunts you think I should try? Or perhaps…”

“MAKING CUPCAKES!” Pinkie happily announced.

[The Trashman: Lame! Make a cake, you coward!]

[Kiryu: “I was gonna say scissoring, but making cupcakes is fine, I guess.”]

“Baking?” Dash was disappointed. “Pinkie, you know I’m not good at baking. Remember last time?”

[Mystic: “I nearly burned the whole town down! AND they tasted awful!”]

“Oh that’s not a problem at all. I only need your help making them. I’ll be doing most of the work,” Pinkie explained.

[The Trashman: And by help, you can help by being the main ingredient.]

Dash thought for about it for a second. “Well, alright, I guess that’s ok. What exactly do you need me to do?”

“That’s the spirit. Here you go.” Pinkie handed Dash a cupcake.

Dash was puzzled “I thought I was helping you bake.”

[Servo: “I’m helping you get baked. Big difference.”]

“You will be. I made this one just for you before you got here.”

“So, is this like taste testing or something?”

[Mystic: “Nope! You just hold this and stand in the corner while I do the actual baking!”]

“Sorta,” Pinkie said.

Dash shrugged and popped the pastry in her mouth. She chewed a bit and swallowed. Not bad.

“Ok, now what?” Dash asked.

“Now,” Pinkie informed her, “You take a nap.”

[Servo: “What, am I in preschool?”]

[The Trashman: Oh hi, Billy Cosby!]

Puzzled, Dash opened her mouth but felt instantly lightheaded. A wave of dizziness washed over her, the world spun, and seconds later she collapsed to the floor.

[Kiryu: Oh dear Celestia, she laced it with roofies!]




Chapter 2 - Please Don't Do It, Pinkie!:

[Servo: Listen to the chapter, Pinkie. You’re making a mistake!]

When Dash regained conciseness, she found herself in a dark room. She tried to shake her head but found that a taut leather strap held it firmly in place. She struggled to move, but braces around her chest and limbs glued her to a rack formed from a series of sturdy planks, which spread her legs wide apart.

[Kiryu: I’ve seen enough hentai to know where this is going.]

Dash’s wings were the only part of her not tied down, and they fluttered frantically while she struggled to escape. As she writhed, Pinkie jumped suddenly into her line of sight.

“Goodie, you’re awake. Now we can get started,” Pinkie stated gleefully. She bounded into the darkness, and quickly reappeared pushing a small cart covered with a cloth.

[Kiryu: Scaring Dash so much she had a heart attack and died, the end.]

“Pinkie, what’s going on? I can’t move!” Dash said urgently.

“Well duh, that’s because you’re tied down,” chided Pinkie. “That’s why you can’t move. I didn’t think you’d need to be told that.”

[The Trashman: I sympathize with Dash, because sometimes I need to be told not bite my toenails off in public.]

“But why? What’s happening? I thought you said I was going to help make cupcakes.”

“You are helping. You see, I ran out of the special ingredient and I need you to get more.”

[Servo: This is a really roundabout way of having Rainbow Dash run errands for you.]

“Special ingredient?” Dash was now breathing heavily and starting to panic. “What special ingredient?”

[Kiryu: YOUR SOUL!]

Pinkie giggled and responded “You, silly!”

[The Trashman: Aha! I was right! Everyone needs to pay up!]

[Servo: So that’s what Farmer Vincent when he said ‘It takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent’s fritters’.

Dash’s eyes widened, and her face contorted in fear. Then she started to laugh and said, in a voice bordering on hysteria, “Woo, you really got me there, Pinkie pie. I mean, tricking me in to thinking I’m gonna get made into a cupcake? I gotta tell you, this the best prank yet. You win, you’re the best.”

Pinkie only giggled even more. “Aw, thanks Dash. But I haven’t done any pranks today, so I can’t accept your praise.”

Dash was struggling again. “Pinkie, come on, this isn’t funny.”

[Kiryu: “Seriously, I’m actually starting to enjoy being bound like this.”]

“Then why were you laughing?” Before Dash could answer, Pinkie grabbed the cloth and whipped it off the cart. On the cart was a tray containing various sharp medical tools and knives, carefully organized and wickedly sharp, as well as a large medical bag.

[Mystic: I see Pinkie likes playing healer classes.]

Dash was now in full panic mode. She was starting to hyperventilate. Her mind raced as she tried to reason with the pink pony. “You can’t do this Pinkie! I’m your friend!”

[The Trashman: She should be fortunate enough to have a friend like Pinkie. My friends tortured me by giving me a shower.]

“I know you are and that’s why I’m so happy that I’ve got you here. We get to share your last moments together, just you and me.” Pinkie was skipping again.

[Mystic: It’s you and me. And me and you. Together fooreeveeeeeer!]

“But, the other ponies will wonder where I am. When the clouds pile up, they’ll come looking for me and then you’ll get found out,” Dash cried in desperation.

[Kiryu: “And then you’ll be sentenced to the glue factory!”]

“Oh, Dash,” said Pinkie. “Don‘t worry, there are plenty of pegasus ponies to take care of a few clouds. And besides, no will find out. I mean, how long do you think I’ve been doing this?” And with that ominous statement, the lights suddenly came to life and revealed the rest the room.

[Kiryu: Revealing a huge horde of Ugandan Knuckles clucking nonstop.]

“Oh no.” Dash reeled in horror at the image presented to her. The room was decorated with a typical but twisted Pinkie Pie flair. Colorful streamers of dried entrails fluttered around on the ceiling, brightly painted skulls of all sizes were attached to the walls, and organs done up in pastels filled with helium were tied to the backs of chairs. The tables and chairs were made of bones and the preserved flesh of past ponies.

[Mystic: Pinkie takes Dia De Los Muertos very seriously, as you can see.]

[Servo: Pinkie Pie was a Sawyer this whole time? I’ll admit, I didn’t see it coming.]

Dash cringed upon seeing the center piece of the table nearest to her. The heads of four foals, their eyes closed as if they were sleeping, were wearing party hats made from their own skin. With a thrill of terror, Dash recognized one of them as Apple Bloom’s classmate Twist. Dash’s eyes darted back and forth and then fell upon a patchwork banner hanging from the rafters. Made from several tanned pony hides, the words “Life is a party” were scrawled on it in blood red.

[Mystic: Personally, I prefer a nice dark lilac color. It really makes the skulls pop.]

Dash’s attention was brought back by a party horn unfurling and tickling her nose. She gaped at Pinkie Pie, who was standing right in front of her. The party pony was wearing a dress quilted from dried skin, emblazoned with cutie marks. On her back fluttered six pegasus wings, all of different colors. As the earth pony skipped in excitement, her necklace of severed unicorn horns clacked together loudly.

“Like it?” Pinkie asked. “I made it myself.”

[Servo: Stick to making cupcakes, sweetheart.]

[The Trashman: Say yes, say yes, otherwise you won't get cupcakes..... wait.]

Desperately, Dash pleaded with the smiling pony before her. “Pinkie please, I’m sorry if I did anything to you. I didn’t mean it. Please let me go. I promise I won’t tell anybody.”

“Oh Dash, you didn’t do anything. It’s just that your number came up and, well, I don’t make rules. We can’t turn back now.”

Dash was tearing up. How could this be happening?

[Servo & Kiryu in unison: “How could this happen to me, I’ve made my mistakes, Got nowhere to run!”]

“Aww, don’t be sad Dash,” said Pinkie. “Look, this’ll cheer you up. I brought you a friend.”

[Kiryu: “AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA!!!”]

Seemingly out of nowhere, Pinkie produced a brightly painted blue and yellow skull. It was about pony sized, but it had a very defining feature: a beak.

Dash gaped in shock. “Is…is that….is…that?”

[Mystic: “Is that...wait. I don’t know who that is.”]

[The Trashman: Toucan Sam?]

[Kiryu: Falco Lombardi?!]

[Servo: A mongoose?]

“Hey, Dash lets hang together. These ponies are lame-os. Dweebs dweebs dweebs,” Pinkie mimicked. “I caught her right before she left town. Remember when I left the party for about twenty minutes? That wasn’t enough time to play with her of course; I had to wait till after the party to do that. But boy am I glad I did. It was worth it for the flavor alone. Griffons taste like two animals at once, it’s amazing.

[Servo: “They taste like chicken, and, uh…chicken.”]

I know she didn’t have a number like everyone else in Ponyville, but when was I gonna get another chance to try griffon? I probably should have asked where she came from so I could have gotten more, but I forgot. I’ll tell you what though, she was quite the fighter. She lasted a long time, which was a lot of fun for me. I got the chance to play with somebody other than a pony and try new things. It’s too bad she had such a meanie mouth. She said so much bad stuff I just had to take her tongue out. You know, bad language makes for bad feelings, Rainbow Dash.”

[Servo: As do bad stories.]

[Kiryu: Good thing this is all non-canon.]

[The Trashman: F***! That line went as long as a Lord of the Rings movie!]

Dash didn’t have anything to say. She just sobbed and writhed in her tight bonds.

“Well” said Pinkie with an air of finality, “that’s enough reminiscing. It’s time to begin.

[Mystic: NO! NOT THE VACATION SLIDES! PINKIE YOU MONSTER.]

Putting down Gilda’s skull, the pink pony gripped a scalpel in the cleft of her hoof and walked over to Dash’s right flank. Without any flair, Pinkie placed the blade an inch above Dash’s cutie mark and began a circular cut around it. Dash shouted in pain and tried desperately to pull away, but the braces held her still.

[Kiryu: Kid-friendly content right here.]

Finishing the incision, Pinkie grabbed a curved skinning knife from the tray. Screwing up her face in concentration, she worked it under Dash’s skin and sliced the hide away from the muscle. Dash ground her teeth as she tearfully watched her flesh peel off. Pinkie then moved to the other side and repeated the process on Dash’s left flank. Once she had finished, Pinkie held up both cutie marks in front of her friend and started waving them like pompoms.

[Mystic: “GIMME A D! GIMME AN E! GIMME AN A! GIMME A T! GIMME AN H! WHAT’S THAT SPELL!?”]

[Kiryu: If you think this is messed up, you should have seen her in the war.]

Dash just whimpered. Her thighs burned like nothing she had felt before.

[Servo: Rainbow Dash has clearly never tried P90X.]

Placing the ragged patches of skin down, Pinkie selected a large butcher knife and walked behind the blue pegasus. “Hope you don’t mind, I think I’m gonna wing it now,” Pinkie laughed. She grabbed Dash’s left wing in her mouth and played with it for a few seconds, yanking it back so the sharp pain reignited the fire in Dash’s flanks.

[Mystic: “Oopsies! Pegasus are so flammable, I keep forgetting! Silly me!”]

Then, stretching the wing out, Pinkie brought the blade down hard at the base. Instantly, Dash screamed and thrashed her appendage. The movement threw off Pinkie’s aim. She tried to hit the mark again but missed, and carved a huge slice into Dash’s back.

[Kiryu: “Harder, Mommy! Uh, wait, poop, I mean-”]

“Dash, you gotta stay still or I’ll keep missing,” scolded Pinkie as her friend howled.

[The Trashman: I think that's the point.]

Pinkie took another whack and hit her target. She swung again and again. Blood sprayed into the air, but Pinkie realized she wasn’t getting anywhere. The blade just wasn’t going through the bone.

[Servo: Rainbow Dash’s high calcium diet paying off in dividends here.]

“Hmm, I guess I forgot to sharpen it. I’ll try something else,” stated Pinkie matter-of-factly as she tossed the knife over her shoulder, embedding the blade in the table. Through the haze of pain and tears, Dash heard the sound of a metal box opening and closing.

[Kiryu: And opening. And closing. And opening. And closing. And opening.]

“Got it! Say Dash, why do they call it a hack saw? It doesn’t hack; hacking is what I was doing with the knife. This is a saw. I don’t get it.”

[The Trashman: You're new to the jokes, aren't yah?]

[Servo: That’s a good question, Pinkie Pie, and one I think everybody should know the answer to. The hacksaw likely took its name from the Middle English phrase, ‘hagge-saue’, which means to cut or chop. *The More You Know*]

Pinkie placed the tool over the mangled flesh of the last attempt. Standing on her hind legs, she worked the saw back and forth with her front hooves. It sliced effortlessly through the bone and skin. The feeling of the jagged teeth grinding into her made Dash want to vomit.

[The Trashman: I thought it would make a person do more, but okay.]

She watched numbly as her wing flew over her head and landed with a fluff on the table. Pinkie moved to the next wing and started sawing. Dash didn’t struggle this time; she’d given up trying to fight and focused on choking back screams of agony. Abruptly, the sawing paused. Pinkie was only half way done, the wing hanging off by a sliver.

“Hey Dash,” Pinkie piped up. “Think fast!”

[Servo: “Uh, uh…42!”]

Suddenly, Pinkie yanked the wing as hard as she could. The bone snapped but the blue pony’s skin held, then tore away. The pull ripped away a long strip of flesh all the way down Dash’s back to her rump.

[Kiryu: Her fine, well-rounded rump.]

Her body seized at the unexpected trauma. As her pelvis tensed up, Dash felt a warm release between her legs, and her loud, unending melody of pain filled the room. Unable to catch her breath, she blacked out.

* * *

Dash awoke with a gasp. The stench of her urine filled her mucus caked nostrils.

[Kiryu: Ugh, too much information, bruh.]

As her vision swam into focus, she saw a very pouty Pinkie Pie removing a large adrenaline needle from her chest. Stomping her hooves, the frustrated Pinkie lashed out at her helpless victim.

[Mystic: How a pony without opposable thumbs can operate something like a syringe is a mystery for the ages.]

“Didn’t anybody teach you any manners? It’s very rude to fall asleep when somebody invites you over to spend time with them. How would you like it if I came over to your house and went to sleep? ‘Oh I’m sorry Dash, you’re so boring I think I’ll take a nap.’ You think I like always doing this by myself? I told you how excited I got when I found you were next. I was excited to have a friend be here with me while I worked. But NOOOOO! You’ve got to be inconsiderate. You know, I thought you were tough. I thought you could handle anything. I’ve had foals stand up better than you! Do I have to baby you? Huh? Is that how you want me to remember you, as a baby?”

[Kiryu: “Do I have to get you a diaper and pacifier too?! Huh?!?”]

[The Trashman: That's exactly what I told my kids, even if it was going to kill them.]

As Pinkie stopped to catch her breath, Dash blinked and sobbed softly. Her back was in agony, her sides were on fire, and there was an intense pain in one of her legs.

[Servo: A charlie horse? Now!?]

As she blinked again, she saw Pinkie pop something red into her mouth and began to chew. Noticing Dash’s stare, Pinkie quickly gulped the morsel down.

[Kiryu: “MMM DELICIOUS MORSELS!”]

“What?” Pinkie asked. “Oh, this?” She held up another piece. “Well, while YOU were asleep, I got a little impatient and helped myself to a small sample. I got it from your leg; you’re not bad. Wanna try some?”

[The Trashman: And while you're at it, would you please pass the jelly?]

Without waiting for a response, Pinkie shoved the strip of meat into the revolted pegasus pony’s mouth. Dash gagged, and immediately spit it out. Pinkie frowned, and picked up the chunk of flesh. “If you didn’t want it, you could have said no.” She contemplated the discarded snotty morsel, then gulped it up. “It’s not like you haven’t had my cupcakes before.”

[Mystic: Pinkie, you know Dash is a Muffin Mare at heart.]

[Kiryu: So her cupcakes are just chunks of pony meat?]

Swallowing, Pinkie turned her attention to a small can on the tray. She removed the lid, revealing that it was filled with red-hot coals. Lying on top of the coals were several large nails.

[The Trashman: At least she knows how to nail a delicious meal. See, now that was a joke.]

As the adrenalin filled her veins, Dash began to panic again. Picking up the can, Pinkie walked over to Dash’s left. Holding some tongs with her mouth, Pinkie carefully picked up a nail and positioned it at the seam between her victim’s front left leg and hoof. She then grabbed a hammer and took careful aim.

[Kiryu: However, she missed spectacularly and smacked herself in the face.]

“No Pinkie!” Dash screamed. “NO! NO!”

The hammer came down and the nail punctured Dash’s skin. The white hot burning was too much. Dash screamed as she pulled and thrashed at the braces, causing her raw skin to rub and tear. Pinkie tried to line up another nail, but couldn’t find her aim, and let out a frustrated grunt.

[Mystic: “Darn it Dashie I told you to stay still! It’s like you don’t WANT me to horrifically mutilate you and cannibalize you!”]

When Pinkie brought the hammer back to take a wild swing, Dash burst out crying and begging.

“PLEASE STOP! PLEASE, PLEASE STOP!”

[Servo: And then Pinkie Pie stopped and the story ended.]




Chapter 3 - Every Rainbow Has An End:

[Servo: This story, on the other hand, does not.]

[Kiryu: And the pot of gold is its poop.]

Pinkie rolled her eyes. Putting down the hammer and tongs, she walked back in front of her friend and stared pensively at the broken pegasus. Gilda didn’t even cry this much when she had a live parasprite stuffed down her throat.

[Servo: To be fair. that was Gilda’s fetish.]

Pinkie thought for a minute about what to do next, then had a sudden spark of inspiration.

[Kiryu: She would sell her to the glue factory.]

Rotating a wheel on the rack, Pinkie laid Dash on her back, then moved to Dash’s hind legs, bringing the can with her. Picking up her tools, Pinkie drove a searing hot spike of metal directly into the bottom of Dash’s hoof.

[Kiryu: Impressive, considering how hard a horse’s hooves are.]

As Dash yelled in pain, Pinkie moved around and drove a second nail into the other hoof. Next, Pinkie went back to her cart and located an enormous battery and controller, which she dragged over to where she was working. She tied copper wires between the terminals and the nails driven into Dash’s hooves, then gave Dash a wink and flipped the switch.

Electricity rocketed through Dash’s body. The blue pony reacted immediately; her body seized, and her muscles snapped taut. Dash’s hips thrust skyward, her eyes rolled back, and she let out a deep, throat shredding cry. Pinkie giggled and danced in place, then reached down and turned up the juice. Dash convulsed uncontrollably, and her bladder emptied once more.

* * *

After about five minutes, Pinkie shut off the power. Wisps of steam rose from the singed fur around Dash’s hooves, and the area reeked of cooked flesh and burnt enamel. Pinkie rotated Dash upright again and tried snap the drooling, delirious pony back to attention.

“Dash? Dash! Rainbow Dash, wake up!” Dash moaned and managed to give a modicum of weak acknowledgment.

[Kiryu: All she could say was “More…”]

Pinkie studied her handiwork, then reached into the medicine bag and produced a large syringe. “Alright, time for the last round.”

Dash focused blearily on the needle, which Pinkie took as a question as to what it was.

“This is a little something to take the pain away,” Pinkie informed Dash as she walked around to her victim’s ruined back. Dash flinched as Pinkie jabbed the needle into the lower part of the blue pony’s spine. Moving in front of her friend again, Pinkie leaned down and elaborated.

“In a few minutes, you won’t be able to feel anything below your ribcage. Then you’ll be able to stay awake to watch the harvest.

[The Trashman: Nice! Dinner and a show.]

Dash started to cry again. “Pinkie?” she choked out.

“Yeah?”

“I want to go home,” Dash sobbed.

[Kiryu: “♪I wanna go ho-oome!♪”]

[Servo: And I want to die. We can’t have everything we want.]

“Yeah, I can see wanting to do that,” replied the party pony. “Sometimes, I just wanna give up, just say ‘I’m done with this mess’ and go to bed. But you know what? You can’t shrug off your responsibilities. You got to pull yourself up and meet the challenges head on. That’s the only way you’re gonna get ahead in life.”

[Servo: For all of Pinkie Pie’s faults, her work ethic is sound.]

[The Trashman: That's exactly what I tell everyone when they want me to cleanup! It's my responsibility to make things disgusting. This Pinkie character and I are really connecting. Except for the terrible jokes and making the victims pee.]

Dash hung her head and cried.

Minutes passed as the drug took effect. Eventually, Dash was completely numb from her chest to her flanks. At this point, Pinkie approached with a scalpel. Glancing at Dash and smiling, Pinkie made a long horizontal cut across the pegasus pony’s pelvis, just above her crotch. Moving up Dash’s body, Pinkie made a similar incision under her ribs. Finally, Pinkie made a long vertical cut down Dash’s stomach, connecting the first two.

“Looks like I got my ‘I’ on you, Dash,” Pinkie giggled.

[Kiryu: That pun gave Rainbow Dash the strength she needed to break free and kill Pinkie.]

With a moist, gooey sound, the flaps of skin opened.

[Servo: And a xenomorph popped out!]

The sight of her own organs and the lack of feeling caused Dash’s breathing to intensify. Pinkie carefully sliced open Dash’s abdominal sac and grabbed her large intestines. As she separated the organ from the rest of the digestive tract and pulled it out of the new cavity, Pinkie grew jovial. Laughing as she gutted her friend, Pinkie began to make jokes.

[Kiryu: Haha, dissection is funny!]

Dash, growing weaker from this new source of blood loss, tried desperately to shut out the macabre comedy act.

[Servo: Despite the controversial nature of her stand-up, Pinkie Pie’s career as a comedian was surprisingly robust.]

“Look at me, I’m Rarity!” Pinkie laughed, slinging the intestinal tube around her neck and spraying blood in all directions. “Isn’t my new scarf soooo pretty?”

Reaching back inside, she sliced the smaller intestine off from the bowls. Squeezing out the excess excrement, Pinkie filed the slimy organ through her teeth and dragged it back and forth. “Dentists say you gotta floss every day, Dash.”

[The Trashman: This pony doesn't know what the hell she's talking about. I no longer connect with this character.]

Dash was barely aware of what was going on anymore. The shock was causing her to fade. Disappointed, Pinkie dived back into the blue pony’s guts, ramping up her routine.

[Kiryu: “Where the hell did I leave that cheesecake?”]

“Aw, don’t go yet Dash.” Pinkie started pulling out the rest of Dash’s organs, pausing with each removal. “I know I can be a real pancreas, but you know I’m just kidney with you. You really got to learn to liver it up. Boy, these jokes are getting bladder. Guess ya gotta develop a stomach for them.”

[Servo: I don’t have the heart to go on.]

[The Trashman: These jokes are poop.]

Pinkie placed the discarded body parts into a bucket, keeping the last one for bit longer. “Ooo, bagpipes.” she said, placing the end of Dash’s esophagus in her mouth and the stomach in her armpit. She squeezed, and a spurt of acid hit her tongue. “Eww! Oh hey look, there’s your cupcake, Dash!”

Dash didn’t hear her tormentor. She had slipped from conciseness minutes ago. Pinkie, not yet satisfied, hit Dash with another adrenaline shot.

[Servo: The shot ricocheted off Dash’s head and landed harmlessly on the floor.]

Dash woke up for the last time, her heart pounding. Warm blood flowed out from the wound in her chest in great spurts. It wouldn’t be long now.

Pinkie brought Dash around onto her back again and straddled the blue pony’s chest, scalpel at the ready.

“Ya know, Rainbow Dash, I’m disappointed. I thought you would have lasted longer. I really wanted to spend more time with you before we got here. But I guess it’s my fault; I should have taken it a little slower. Oh well. It was really was nice knowing you, Dash!”

The blade sunk into the blue throat and worked its way up to Dash’s chin. Coming back down, Pinkie’s scalpel then circled Dash’s neck. The last thing Rainbow Dash felt was her skin being cut away from her skull, and the metal of the blade scraping her teeth.

Then she was gone.

[Mystic: TAKE ME WITH YOU RAINBOW DASH.]

* * *

Pinkie Pie stared into the mirror.

[Servo: “What have I become, my sweetest friend…”]

She had done a really good job, even keeping the eyelids. She winked, and Dash winked back. Pinkie smiled.

But still, she was sad that her friend was now gone. Dash had only lasted fifty minutes, not nearly as long as Pinkie had wanted. She looked back at the cadaver hanging in the center of the room, the last of her friend’s fluids draining into a pan. Yup, no more Rainbow Dash.

[Kiryu: One of my closest friends is dead and gone forever because of me. What a bummer.]

As she looked, Pinkie cocked her head. She began to take notice of the fact that there really wasn’t much damage to the corpse. “It fact,” the pink pony mused, “I think….” An idea exploded in her head.

[Servo: Bits of brain matter and skull scattered across the room.]

She was good at sewing and she had all the pieces, all she had to do was put them back together. Yeah, she just had to get some stuffing and bingo, she’d have Rainbow Dash forever. In fact, thought Pinkie, that’s what she’d do for all her best friends when their numbers came up. She was so excited, she skipped right over to the body with her skinner to get started. The cupcakes could wait; Pinkie Pie had a friend to make.

[Kiryu: It was at that moment that Equestria’s equivalent of the FBI burst into the scene to arrest Pinkie Pie.]

[The Trashman: That reminds me to make a friend out of that pile of garbage over there!]




“Experiment complete,” the computer states.

“Recalibrating subjects.”

1

2


3.”


Tom emerges first from the Study. He’s noticeably shaken by the story, but remains quietly composed. This isn’t his first rodeo, but it may have been his roughest. The Mystic One’s naivety came back to haunt them. Their eyes are bloodshot and they clutch themself as though they were returning from the bitter cold of winter.

“You see the results of my work, Chancellor?” Dr. Goodlover boasts. Pearl, resting comfortably in her chair, nods.

“Doctor, what was that?” Kiryu asks. He is shattered like the Mystic One.

“An extreme experiment, but one of many I’m capable of subjecting you all to.”

“It was trash,” the Trashman says. He seems unaffected. In fact, he’s smiling.

The Doctor fixes his glasses and approaches the Trashman. “That is the point, old man.”

“I like it. I want more. More trash!”

Dr. Goodlover’s brow furrows in confusion. Not even his insult fazed this guy. He looks back at Chancellor Pearl. “An anomaly,” he explains with the tone of a manger doing damage control. “That is all this is. The next experiment will be more effective, I assure you.”

Pearl nods. She presses a button and the office door opens. Two Alien guards are waiting for the prisoners. They’re escorted out without a word. The doors shut, leaving Dr. Goodlover and the Alien chancellor.

“Despite the endurance of our old friend, you see the benefits of such exposure,” Dr. Goodlover begins. “Subjecting an audience repeatedly to poorly written media has the capacity to dull the mind, to beat it mentally into submission, if you will. With enough subtlety, you could overtake a civilization without so much as firing a single laser. And you would have a whole population of living dead at your disposal for labor, or for food.”

For the first time, Pearl speaks. Her voice is smooth and each sentence is measured. “You will test more prisoners. What you describe must apply to all species if it is to be a useful tool for the Alien race.”

“I concur, Chancellor.”

“There is one prisoner I want to see it work on. He is an artificial intelligence.”

“I doubt that will be a problem.”

“If it is, Doctor, our arrangement will be nullified, and you will be terminated.” Chancellor Pearl’s eyes pierce right through Dr. Goodlover. His gaze lowers. “You understand.”

“I do.”

S3E2: Halloween Maddness

Posted: Sat Jul 14, 2018 6:00 pm
by Kubo
Note: Some content has been removed from the following fan fiction in order for it to adhere to forum rules.

TURN DOWN YOUR LIGHTS
(where applicable)


In the slightly-more-distant future
Next Monday, A.D.
There was a guy named Tom,
Not too different from you or me.
He worked on a satellite up in space,
(du-nu-nu-nu-nu-du-something—face)
He did a good job riffing fanfics,
But something must’ve happened
And he crashed back down to earth.

I’ll send him cheesy stories,
The worst on the web (la-la-la)
He’ll have to sit and read them all,
And I’ll monitor his mind (la-la-la).
Now keep in mind Tom can’t control,
Where the stories are coming from (la-la-la)
He’ll try to keep his sanity,
With the help of his co-star friends!

Co-Star Roll Call:
Kiryu! (That’s me.)
Mystic (I’m psychic!)
Trashmaaaaan (TRAAAAASH)

If you’re wondering how he –
HAAAAAYEESSSS IS BACK, BABEY!!
…and now this theme song’s ruined,
thanks to his return,
It’s Mystery Fiction Readers 3000!

Theme based upon parody lyrics by Ultraman Goji.


“Can you explain it to me again?”

“This is the third time,” the Mystic One complains.

The four prisons rest in their respective corners of their little prison cell. Tom is noticeably thinner than before, a consequence of his not eating. You see, Tom was lactose intolerant. The Aliens fed the prisoners regularly, but the staple food was mac ‘n’ cheese. Unable to eat it, Tom had spent many nights pressed into the corner of the cell, stomach rumbling angrily.

The Trashman is buried under sheets of newspaper, watching the door vigilantly. Tom doesn’t know where the Trashman got the newspaper, but he admires the old man’s resourcefulness. Kiryu is still nursing the wound inflicted by the Alien guard the previous week, testing the side of his bruised head with the delicacy of a bomb squad. And then there’s the Mystic One. They’ve been quietly testing their “powers” in the late hours of night (when the Aliens apparently aren’t watching). Twice, this testing has devolved into temper tantrums which wake everyone else in the cell.

Kiryu winces and quickly draws his hand from his head. “The Aliens came from the next solar system over. Their species is Alien. That’s what they call themselves. It just happens that the pronunciation of their species is the exact same as the English synonym for extra-terrestrial.”

“That’s a spectacular coincidence,” Tom remarks.

“That’s what I said,” the Trashman chimes in. “You know what else was a spectacular coincidence? I was shopping at K-Mart – you know, before the Alien aliens came – and found a picture frame that had my photo in it already.”

“Really?” Tom’s baffled expression earns an eyeroll from Kiryu.

“I think they stole photos of me from Instagram. But why would K-Mart even want photos of me?”

“Are you sure it wasn’t a mirror you saw?” Kiryu grumbles.

Tom, getting it, loses all interest and curses his own gullibility.

“I know what I saw, thank you very much,” the Trashman pulls the newspaper down over his face, effectively burying himself in trash.

The Alien guard, who Tom learned the day before is named Elvis Murphy, enters the room. “You have been summoned.”

Elvis’s hand is already on his electric prod, ready to strike Kiryu for disobeying again. Fortunately, the pain from the last blow keeps him quiet. As the group files out, Elvis puts out his arm, blocking the Mystic One for leaving.

“What are you doing?” they ask.

“The Chancellor has other plans for you.” Elvis pushes them back into the cell. “You will wait.”

The Mystic One sits and broods, their eyes never once leaving Elvis. The Alien shuts the cell door and orders his prisoners to walk.




Inside Chancellor Pearl’s office, Tom recognizes a familiar face, one he never expected to see again. “H.A.Y.E.S.!”

The robot is looking as dapper as ever. “Warren!”

“Uh,” Tom’s taken aback. “I’m Tom.”

“That’s what I said, Tom,” the robot’s countenance is unflinchingly cool. This is the robot Tom knew alright.

“How’d you survive the crash?”

“Dr. Bald Guy over here packed parachutes on board for each of us in case of emergency.” Dr. Goodlover nods despite the casual insult to his hair.

“But we were in space.” And, more angrily, “Why didn’t you tell me we had parachutes?”

“You were sleeping! Plus, if I woke you up, all you would’ve done is criticize me for wanting to use the parachutes – like you are now!”

Dr. Goodlover steps in. “This is a sweet reunion and all, but there are more pressing matters.”

“I know! We haven’t even ordered pizza yet!” H.A.Y.E.S. whips out a cell phone.

The mad doctor’s eyes go wide. “This is no pizza social!”

“Ooh, do you have the Shinki’s Pizza and Delivery number?” Kiryu asks. He’s drooling at the prospect of those hot slices of Italian goodness.

“Oh, you know I have Shinki’s number!”

As H.A.Y.E.S. begins dialing, Dr. Goodlover snatches the cell phone away. “That is quite enough!”

Tom notices Pearl, as inert as ever, watching the scene unfold. Was that an ever-so-faint smile on her face?

Dr. Goodlover gives the phone to Bob. “Here’s your Kwanzaa present, Bob.”

The pasty turtle-like boy seizes the phone and retreats to a couch covered in toys and electronics. I didn’t know Bob was Jewish, Tom thought.

“Now, with that out of the way, let me tell you about today’s experiment. I’m sure you all are familiar with Sonic the Hedgehog. Blue guy, runs fast. He’s great, and frankly, an inspiration. In any case, he’s the subject of this particular fan fiction story. It is terrible, and I feel like acknowledging its very existence is more praise than it deserves.”

The Trashman nudges Tom. “My parents said the same thing about me when I was little.”

The Study door opens. Dr. Goodlover steps out of the way of the prisoners, a devilish smile on his face. “Enjoy!”

H.A.Y.E.S. stops in front of the doctor. “I expect the pizza to be here when I get back.”

Dr. Goodlover sneers at the robot and walks away. Then, when H.A.Y.E.S. is out of view, he pulls out his cell phone stealthily and dials a number. He notices Pearl’s gaze upon him.

He lowers the phone, but she raises her hand to stop him from hanging up. “Pepperoni and sausage. Extra large.”

The Study door behind the prisoners shuts. The familiar darkness.

“Initiating Experiment B,” a computer voice states.

“Prepare for data transmission.”

A purple light illuminates the bare room.

”Data received. Beginning Experiment B in

3

2


1.”





EXPERIMENT B

Halloween Maddness

[H.A.Y.E.S: First misspelling at two words in? Oh baby, it is good to be back!]

Somehow, I figured this would happen, I thought with a sigh.

[Kiryu: That anime girl I was flirting with on VRChat was actually a guy, smh.]
Every year, the same thing happens without change, and it was getting boring if you ask me. Amy promised it would be different this year, but I shook my head at her.

[Kiryu: I’m mute, you see.]

I'll tell you one thing, I was going as something different besides myself. I had rumbled through my closet, hoping to find something that would be...different than last time.

"Ugh...there's nothing to go as!"

[The Trashman: There's plenty of stuff to go as. Here, I'll give you an idea. Stick some popcorn, candy, cups, and sweat on yah. You'll be a theater room floor.]

I said frustrated. "Hmmmm, I could make something..." I turned around, looking for something to work with.

[Kiryu: Then he decided to paint himself black and red and call himself Shadow.]

I smiled as my eyes came upon a white sheet. An idea bubbled in my head as I grabbed the sheet and ran off to the bathroom. I threw that in there, then ran down to the local store, buying a few items.

[H.A.Y.E.S: No specific store, just... any store. To buy any things.]

[The Trashman: Please tell me a burning cross isn't part of the costume.]

After getting home, I ran into the bathroom, locking the door with a pair of scissors and getting to work.

After working for several hours, I smiled at my handiwork, and put it on, hoping it fit. Since It did, I was able to proceed to step two.

[Servo: Hanging myself from a ceiling fan.]




"Come on Amy!" Tails shouted. "Hurry up!" Tails was getting impatient, mostly because Amy had declared she would be done by now, but mostly cause Tails wanted to see what Sonic was dressing as this year.

[The Trashman: Tails, his costumes are like his games. Mediocre as hell.]

Tails walked to his bathroom door and bashed it a bit.

"AMY!" he shouted. "Hurry! He could leave at any second!"

[Kiryu: “Our assassination attempt will be for nothing!”]

The door opened and Amy walked out. Tails' jaw dropped as he saw Amy walk out. She looked nothing like she used to. She was a witch, and was drop dead gorgeous.

[Kiryu: Burn her at the stake!]

She had a tiny tiny black dress on, barely covering her breasts, and a short skirt that just barely covered her down below. Her eye makeup was detailed, making her that much more attractive.

[H.A.Y.E.S: The essential parts of a lady: her down below, her out behind, and her up aboves.]


[Servo: Goddamn I love Halloween.]

"Jesus Amy..." Tails said, practically drooling. "You look amazing. Sonic is going to flip out."

Tails was already dressed up however, as a butler with fangs, basically a vampire.

[Kiryu: That stereotype is offensive to vampires, y’know.]

His tails were trimmed and brushed, and he looked very sleek in his outfit. Together, with Tails still drooling at Amy's costume, the two walked off to Sonic's house.

[H.A.Y.E.S: The slippery trail of drool left behind by Tails caused five fatal car accidents.]




I quietly stepped out of the bathroom, looking at myself.

[Servo: “People call me narcissistic, but I’ve never understood what they meant. I don’t have sleep problems.”]

I had successfully dyed my blue spikes completely white, and some white contact lenses made my irises pure white.

[Kiryu: I probably should have asked if the dye I used wasn’t permanent.]

I felt rather proud with what I'd accomplished, so I quietly sat down and waited for Amy and Tails to arrive, hoping to baffle them with what I had chosen to dress as this year. I was drinking some water when I heard a small knock on the door. I bounded up and jetted towards the door, but not to fast as to rip my costume.

[Servo: Gotta go (kinda) fast.]

I opened the door and my jaw dropped.

"Sonic?" Amy said. She was staring at me, wide eyed at probably what I was wearing. But she had no room to talk.

[H.A.Y.E.S: “My hands were firmly around her throat.”]


"Amy..." I stammered out. "You look...wow...yeah." I said blushing slightly. She laughed a little bit and jumped on me, hugging me like she usually did. I struggled to get some air while laughing a bit.

[The Trashman: Amy confirmed to be a facehugger.]

[H.A.Y.E.S: “Her kung fu is too strong! I… I can’t win this fight!”]

"Well looks like we're all different this year." I said laughing. "Amy's a...umm..."

[Servo: Whore.]

… I started, just staring at her. She blushed a bit and turned her head.

[Kiryu: A full 180 degrees.]

"I'm a witch!" she said with a huff. "And what exactly are you supposed to be?" I sighed and turned around.

[H.A.Y.E.S: “Your destruction.”]

"I was going for elder hog." I said with a whisper. "Unfortunately, I don't think I succeeded..." Amy looked down and hung her head.

"It looks great." she said. "You did a good job." I sighed and rolled my eyes, then looked at Tails. I was shocked at how good he looked.

[Servo: “I forgot how nice a pair of tight-fitting pants looks on him.”]

"Dude!" I said. "You look like a freakin vampire in a uniform!" I said giving him a high five. Turning around, I grabbed a bag.

"Shall we go?" I said merrily. With a nod from Tails and Amy, the three of us took off, hoping to grab a lot of candy.

[H.A.Y.E.S: “This year won’t be a disappointment like last. I brought a gun.”]





Several fun filled hours later, we walked back up to my house, our bags overflowing with candy! Amy was giggling with glee at the amount she had, Tails was to busy sucking on his candy to be bothered, and my poor bag was ripping at the seams. I opened the door and all three of us walked in, setting down our bags. I stood up and stretched, popping my back. Amy looked over at me in worry.

[Kiryu: She does that a lot.]

"Sonic..." she started. "You need to stop doing that, you'll have a bad back!" …

[Servo: Gotta go to the chiropractor’s…]

… She said waving a finger at me. I laughed at her and waved my hand, ignoring what she said. She flushed and walked in behind me, Tails following.

[H.A.Y.E.S: He never saw their betrayal coming. They Julias Caesar’d him to oblivion.]


"Let's watch a movie!" I said. "How about a horror film?"

[Servo: “Ever heard of Cannibal Holocaust?”]

[Kiryu: You want horror? Just look up Sonic on Deviantart.]

I pulled out a few movies, passing them around. There was some talk between the two while I was bent over and I heard a thwack. Turning around, Tails had a throbbing red mark on his forehead, and Amy was blushing rather hard. I stood up and looked down, noticing my sheet had slipped, revealing I was completely commando. I blushed and pulled the sheet back in front of me, hiding myself.

[Servo: That’s all the horror I need for one night.]

"Why didn't anyone tell me!" I said embarrassed.

[Kiryu: Dude, you’re the one who decided to wear your costume without any clothes, you should’ve seen that coming.]

Tails just burst out laughing while Amy sat there, still blushing. She ended up punching him again in the gut, causing him to cough out his candy. He glared at Amy for a bit before popping more in.

[The Trashman: Hooray for conflict!]

[H.A.Y.E.S: Soon the ecstasy would take affect and tonight would truly start for Tails.]




Several hours later after a horror film, Tails declared he had to leave, and promptly left, his tails practically white after the end. Amy was snuggled up to me, scared to pieces from the movie. I started to move and felt her tighten her grip, cutting off my oxygen.

[H.A.Y.E.S: Returning the favor, eh, Ams?]


"Amy...can't breathe." I said, gasping for air. "Release...grasp!" She looked up at my face, and loosened her grip enough to where I could breathe.

"Thank you..." I said. "Are you that scared?" I asked with a chuckle. Unfortunately, this was the case, causing her to snuggle closer to me. I sighed and attempted to pry myself out of her grasp, and managed to get out. I looked at her sad face.

[H.A.Y.E.S: “… unlocking a new fetish for despair.”]


[The Trashman: I'm legitimately confused. I have no idea what's going on.]

"Unless you want me commando all night, I'm going to go change." I said walking away. I heard a giggle behind me, so I turned back around. Amy was blushing a bit again, and I looked down. There was a round top sticking out of my sheet, as I slowly realized what it was. Embarrassed, I covered myself blushing hard.

[Servo: Does Sonic have a tail? Guys, that’s his tail, right?]

[H.A.Y.E.S: “No one can know about my Despicable Me minion Funko Pop figure.”]

"Uhh..." I said. "Yeah." I turned around and walked to my room, closing the door. I sat on my bed. I shouldn't, and couldn't do that while she was here, despite how hot she was.

[Servo: *patting sweat from forehead* Jesus…]

"Why...?" I muttered. "Why is this happening?"

[H.A.Y.E.S: Like I said, my man... fetish for despair.]

"I'll tell you why." A voice said. Startled, I sat up and saw Amy at the door way. The front of her dress was pulled down slightly, and her hand slid down the back of her dress, the zipper coming undone. She started towards me, with her dress dropping down to the floor.

[Kiryu: ♪Wait! I’m coming undone! Irate! I’m coming undone! Too late! I’m coming undone! What looks so strong, so delicate!♪]

[Servo: Marion, don’t look at it. Shut your eyes, Marion.]

………………………………………………….
………………………………………………….
…………………

[H.A.Y.E.S: I have nothing to say. I'm just uncomfortable.]

………………………………………………….
…………

[Servo: I really hope they’re talking about Sonic’s tail…]

…………………………………………………..
…………………………………………………..
……………………………………….

…………………………………………………..
……

[Servo: Going apparently isn’t the only thing Sonic is fast at.]

……………………………………………………
……………………………………………………
……………………………………………………
……………………………………………………
…………………

[Kiryu: USB port has been connected.]

[The Trashman: This just became a two-player game.]

[H.A.Y.E.S: Yep. Still uncomfortable.]

……………………………………………………
……………………………………………………
……………………………………….

……………………………………………………
……………………………………………………
……………………………………….

[H.A.Y.E.S: This is all just an elaborate advertisement for Sonic Unleashed. He turns into a werehog and splits her in half, revealing the title card.]

……………………………………………………
……………………………………………………
……………

[Servo: Sonic had gone into cardiac arrest and later died in the hospital.]




I woke up several hours later, with Amy snuggled next to me. Looking at the clock, I noticed it was nearly 9:00 AM.

I sat up carefully, yawning and stretching, looking down at Amy. Her body looked like she was glowing.

[Kiryu: Seriously, I think she’s actually glowing? What the hell’s happening?]

She was gorgeous and perfect. How could I have not realized it sooner? I got up and walked to the kitchen, grabbing some breakfast. I heard some rustling in my room as Amy got up. She walked out and greeted me with a kiss on the lips. I wrapped my arm around her and held the kiss for some time. When we broke apart, I smiled at her.

[Kiryu: For I decided that she would be my breakfast.]

"Hello gorgeous." I said to her. "What do you want for breakfast?" She blushed and giggled like a schoolgirl.

[Servo: I don’t mean to nitpick in a Sonic fan fiction like this, but do schoolgirls really blush in a particular way?]

"Egg's and Bacon." She said with a smile. "Unless you don't have any." I laughed as I let go of her, and pulled out a frying pan. I turned on the stone and started to cook the eggs. She came up behind me and wrapped her hands around my waist.

"I love you Sonic." She said to me.

[H.A.Y.E.S: "I know."]

"I love you too." I said back to her. The two of us kissed in the kitchen when I heard the front door fly open. Knuckles had walked in and into the kitchen.

[H.A.Y.E.S: "YOU MISSED YOUR CHANCE TO MAKE A HAN SOLO REFERENCE, IDIOT."]

[The Trashman: Knuckles was pissed that he wasn't invited to trick r treat with them.]

"Good Morning Sonic, How are yo-...OH MY GOD!" He shouted. Knuckles froze in place when he saw us two in the kitchen. He blushed furiously and turned around practically ran out.

[Kiryu: “I must find da wae!”]

[Servo: But not before turning back around to sneak another look.]

"Lock your door!" He shouted before running out. The two of us turned to each other and laughed as we stood there cooking breakfast that morning.

[Kiryu: Only to accidentally start a fire that burned down the house and killed us, the end.]




“Experiment complete,” the computer states.

“Recalibrating subjects.”

1

2


3.”


Upon returning from the Study, the prisoners are delighted by the smell of oven-baked pizza. There is a stack of pizza boxes on Pearl’s desk. Bob sits on the couch with one whole pizza all to himself. Dr. Goodlover, in the process of pouring himself a cup of Dr. Pepper (the “thinking man’s soda”, as he would often describe it), notices his test subjects surprise.

“Ah, you’re just in time!”

“Goodlover, you son of a skreeonk!” H.A.Y.E.S. wheels to the desk and opens the top box. Extra pepperoni, just the way he likes it.

“Don’t thank me. Pearl was the one who approved it.”

Pearl receives gratitude with a smile and a big slice of cheese pizza in hand. She eats the crust first, but none of the prisoners bother to complain. Their ravenous appetites command them now.

H.A.Y.E.S. takes a half-dozen slices and stacks them on a plate, laughing wildly as he finds a place to sit. Kiryu takes one and glares at Dr. Goodlover.

Concerned, Dr. Goodlover approaches. “What’s the matter? Did we not get your favorite pizza?”

“I know these kinds of mind games, Doctor. Don’t think you can fool me with this.”

“I don’t understand.” Dr. Goodlover fixes his glasses and searches Kiryu’s face for an answer. He gets none.

Kiryu goes to Bob’s couch. The boy is defensive, but Kiryu does his best to calm him. “Easy. Can I sit here?”

Bob says nothing, but clears the cushion next to him of toys. Kiryu sits and nods a thank you. He stares at his one slice of pizza, determined not to indulge himself. Next to him, Bob’s appetite knows no bounds. In the time that the prisoners have returned, Bob has eaten a third of his extra-large pizza. The smell wafts and tickles Kiryu’s nose. Even though he suspected he would regret his decision, Kiryu got back in line behind the Trashman. He wanted as much as his stomach craved.

Tom takes three slices. He starts to turn, but stumbles. The slices slide right off his plate and splat on the floor, cheese-down.

“Thank you,” the Trashman says as he collects the dusty slices.

Tom grabs three more slices and – with extra care – turns to find a place to sit. This act of kindness from Dr. Goodlover was unprecedented. His history of cruelty and depravity couldn’t have just come to an end. Was Kiryu right? The paranoid thoughts ceased at the first bite. A perfect blend of garlic, tomato sauce, cheese, and pepperoni. If this was part of a master plan by Dr. Goodlover – for the moment – Tom didn’t mind.




An hour or so later, Elvis escorts the prisoners back to their cell. The Mystic One is there, in the exact same spot they were when Tom and the others had left.

“How was it?” they ask.

“Fine,” Tom answers.
“Trashy,” the Trashman says.

“I doubt you would’ve liked it,” Kiryu says.

“Oh,” the Mystic One smiles. Looks like they got out of punishment this week.

H.A.Y.E.S. enters the cell last with his big robotic smile. “We had a pizza party!”

“H.A.Y.E.S.!”

S3E3: What if Batman is Dilophosaurus man?

Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2018 3:20 pm
by Kubo
TURN DOWN YOUR LIGHTS
(where applicable)


In the slightly-more-distant future
Next Monday, A.D.
There was a guy named Tom,
Not too different from you or me.
He worked on a satellite up in space,
(du-nu-nu-nu-nu-du-something—trace)
He did a good job riffing fanfics,
But something must’ve happened
And he crashed back down to earth.

I’ll send him cheesy stories,
The worst on the web (la-la-la)
He’ll have to sit and read them all,
And I’ll monitor his mind (la-la-la).
Now keep in mind Tom can’t control,
Where the stories are coming from (la-la-la)
He’ll try to keep his sanity,
With the help of his co-star friends!

Co-Star Roll Call:
Kiryu! (That’s me.)
Mystic! (I’m psychic!)
Trashman! (TRAAAAASH)
Haaaaayes! (Wait, I’m on again?!)

If you’re wondering how he eats and breathes,
And other things like that (la-la-la)
Then maybe you should read the story,
Instead of this silly song,
It’s Mystery Fiction Readers 3000!

Theme based upon parody lyrics by Ultraman Goji.


Dr. Goodlover bends down to examine the contents of the mini-fridge in Pearl’s office. Some Alien wine, two bananas, and three Tupperware containers of pizza. Goodlover frowns.

“How the hell do we still have pizza from last week?”

“You said you were okay with leftovers,” Pearl answers with the same calmness as always.

“Yeah, but I mean,” Dr. Goodlover holds the fridge door opens and motions inside, “look at all that.”

“It’s a lot,” Pearl acknowledges.

“It is.” Dr. Goodlover runs a hand over his bald head. “I eat pizza twice a day for a whole week and there’s still more in there.”

“Order less next time.”

“Oh, trust me, I will.” Dr. Goodlover shuts the fridge. His stomach grumbles angrily, but he ignores it. Something else is bugging him. “Where’s Bob?”

“I sent him out to complete an errand for me,” Pearl replies.

Dr. Goodlover walks to Pearl’s desk and leans across it. “You gave Bob a job?”

“You take issue with my decision-making.”

“This is the one time I must, Chancellor. You can’t seriously give him a task and expect it to get done in a timely manner.”

Pearl smirks at Goodlover. “Can’t I?”

“I told Bob to empty the trash once at the Institute. Just the garbage can in the employee bathroom. You know what he did?” Goodlover doesn’t get a response from Pearl, so he continues. “He dumped it into the toilet. We had to call a plumber to fix it.”

“Answer me this, doctor. Have you ever been supportive of Bob?”

“I pay him a living wage for his, let’s be generous here, work.”

“That is not the support I am talking about.”

“Bob was on an intramural soccer team for a bit. I drove him there and picked him up afterwards.”

“You didn’t stay for the game?”

Goodlover’s trying to understand what Pearl’s getting at. He answers slowly, “…No.”

“Then you’ve never truly been supportive of Bob.”

Quicker. “No.”

Pearl stands up. She towers over Goodlover, who takes a step back from the desk. “Then you don’t know the potential the boy has. Perhaps if you were a more caring guardian you would’ve recognized it and groomed him properly. As is, you’ve left that responsibility up to me.”

Dr. Goodlover regains his wits enough to fire back a snarky, “Yeah, well, good luck with that.”

The office doors open. The five prisoners enter with Elvis and another Alien guard behind them. Pearl sits and stares.

Dr. Goodlover smiles at his test subjects. “Welcome back. You’re going to thank me this week.”

“You got pizza again?” H.A.Y.E.S. asks.

The word makes Goodlover gag. “No.”

“I still can’t believe you guys had a pizza party,” the Mystic One quietly remarks to Kiryu.

“Do you have trash for us?” the Trashman asks. Even from across the room, Goodlover can smell his rancid breath.

“In a manner of speaking, yes.”

Tom cuts right to the chase. “What’s it about this week, Doc?”

“Well, it’s about Batman.”

“Okay…”

“And Jurassic Park.”

“Interesting artistic choice,” Kiryu notes.

“And Frozen.”

“Oh?”

“And Barbie and Ken.”

“So this story is a completely unfocused mess then?” Tom asks before Dr. Goodlover can go on.

“Yes.” The mad scientist smiles. “In you go!”

The five prisoners are moved into the Study.

“Initiating Experiment C,” a computer voice states.

“Prepare for data transmission.”

A blue light illuminates the room.

“Data received. Beginning Experiment C in

3

2


1.”





EXPERIMENT C

What if Batman is Dilophosaurus man?

Good morning folks!

[Kiryu: It is anything but a good morning.]

This your favorite Earth 1945's reporter, Vicki Ryder. For the ones who doesn't know me YET, you may better know my dad Vic Vale or/and my fabulous mommy Jack Ryder. Today we're gonna follow the best cretaceous knight of all time, who save normal people and me from every danger, Dilophosaurus man!

[Kiryu: AKA someone’s shitty poorly drawn OC from Deviantart.]

[Mystic: No, the best cretaceous knight is Raptorman. Get it right.]

Nessie's cousin, cloning, radioactive Dilophosaurus's bite? No one has plausible explications of his origins. Fortunately for you my dear audience, thanks to a call from a witness who we don't say the name but who is called Alfred …

[Servo: “I mean, not Batman’s butler, I mean, not Bruce Wayne’s butler, I mean poop!”]

… and pictures, we succeed to create a conjectural day of Dilophosaurus man which may can help you fan and others stalkers to meet your scaled savior.

[H.A.Y.E.S: Raptor Jesus is my only scaled savior.]

[Mystic: Must be a slow news week in World War 2 if this is the kind of story you're running, Vicki.]

-Disclaimer: I do not own Dc comics Batman, Jurassic Park, their characters, Rihanna's songs, Barbie and Ken, Frozen

[The Trashman: You don't?! I thought this cinematic universe was the real deal!]

(It makes sense in context).

[H.A.Y.E.S: I doubt that.]

-Huh, Vicki why did you say that?

[Servo: God, she’s hearing the “voices” again.]

-Then, let's start this:




-6+22am Teeth brushing

Alfred: So what we have today… Magpie, Condiment King, Killer Moth. Scratch and eat three villain in a night, are you on a diet Master Bruce?

[Mystic: "I must insist you attempt to cannibalize Poison Ivy as well, your greens are just as important Master Bruce"]




-07:27am Preparation of the day

[H.A.Y.E.S: Nothing can prepare us for this.]

[Kiryu: At least now you’re using the colon when reporting time.]

Robin: Selina Kyle is takin' a shower, Harley slowly eat bananas and Poison ivy wearing Fall shoes while we're in Spring. What we doing first, Bruce?

D-man: Well, why you doesn't remove this titanium wall between us, first?

Robin: Hum, are you going to harm me?

[The Trashman: Yes. Violently.]

D-man: Nooo, I'm so hungry that I would probably eat you in one bite

[Mystic: D-man rolled a Natural 20 on Persuasion, I see.]

Robin:*removing the titanium wall* Oh, I'm at ease that… What!?




-9:28am Fancy driving in West Gotham

[H.A.Y.E.S: Fancy driving? Are the tires top hats or something?]

Robin: *In Dilophosaurus man's belly* I don't like it at all. Make me out!

[Servo: Ah yeah, this is my fetish.]

D-man: You don't like the dilocycle, you don't like my stomach. It would be good to make a choice now!

[Mystic: "Nag nag nag! Next you'll tell me that you're digesting too slowly!"]

Gordon: *In a Gcpd car* D-man, I arrest you for speeding ticket.

[Servo: Hang on Gordon! You haven’t even caught the guy yet!]

D-man: *Brake with him* Gordon, you forgot my phone number again?

Gordon: Yeah, the Joker replace it with a nursing home one. *The rear of Gordon's car is smashed by another car*

[H.A.Y.E.S: First hedgehog pornography, now car pornography? Even I have limits, people!]

Bullock: Sorry, Montoya was driving. Women you know… *Laugh*

[The Trashman: He's from another time.]

Montoya: YOU were driving.

Bullock: *Anxious* Yeah, was me.

Montoya: Side change, Bullock? I can give you some of my skirts if you want.

D-man: Why you bring them with you?

Gordon: Well…

Montoya: Gordon, you're arrested for sabotages of the sky traffic. *Handcuffs him*

D-man: I told you that this dilo-signal was a terrible idea.

[Mystic: "In hindsight, perhaps having a giant spotlight in the middle of World War 2 isn't the best idea..."]

*Man bat fall on Gordon's car*

[Kiryu: What is happening?? My mind is full of frick right now!]




-10:0am and 21s Last training before a dog contest

[Servo: Ah, my favorite Batman comic storyline. You’ve got The Dark Knight Returns, The Killing Joke, then *boom* Dog Contest.]

Ivy: *Give a carrot to a hypnotized Dilophosaurus man* Yeah, jump higher and I will be certain to winning!

[H.A.Y.E.S: There are a large number of things wrong with the above. Let's play a game! Everyone guess how many! I count twenty-seven.]

Robin: Huh, Ivy I like your performance and your wig but what's the link with the nature?

Ivy: Oh, I need the bucks of the reward for Ariana Grande's concert, she's vegan you know?

Robin: It wouldn't be smarter and easier to using your meta-human power to enter?

[Kiryu: What the hell kind of dog contest permits metahumans?]

[H.A.Y.E.S: I don't think anyone in this story is qualified to give advice on how to be smarter.]

Ivy: Hehe, but you forgot something…

Robin: And whaAhhhhhhh! *Being attacked by Dilophosaurus man*

Ivy: Nobody mess with Poison Ivy's wig! This and the nature of course.

Robin: Dragged by a drag what's iroAhhh! Stop!

Ivy: Clever girl.

[The Trashman: Jurassic Park called and it wants its line back.]

D-man: I'm a man!

[Mystic: "Not anymore you're not."]




-12:1 quarter to…

[Servo: Seeeeet! Hike!]

…Deep and cold philosophy in a fridge store

D-man: *Has just create a hole thanks to his bites in Mister Freeze's chest* See Freeze, you doesn't have any heart.

Freeze: Yeah, but this is the right side…

[Mystic: D-man isn't very good at basic anatomy. Comes with the territory.]

[Kiryu: ...Why does that make a difference?? Why is D-man biting a hole in Freeze’s chest to show he has no heart?? How is Freeze even alive?? Where are these two supposed to be?? EXPLAIN THIS BULLSHIT!!!]




-1:40pm

[Servo: Hang on, go back! I don’t even know what was happening at 12:1!]

"NO WAY I came here, NOOO!" Riddles at Gotham's random building

Riddler: Sooo… D-man ready for a bunch and a bunch of wonderful riddles?

[H.A.Y.E.S: "Yes, but only for the first bunch."]

D-man: NO!

[Mystic: That's basically how I reacted when I saw how many Riddles were in Arkham Knight...]

Riddler: You doesn't have the choice!

D-man: Okay, okay at least it's not mathematics…

Riddler: So I'm sure that you notices all the easter eggs in this masterpiece of literature from Ecaille13?

D-man: No.

[Kiryu: Yeah me neither.]

Riddler: Just listening! Well, your little brain would know that all of your adventure today have an easter egg written on it.

[H.A.Y.E.S: "Dilophosaurus Man has a brain about this size. He is sheer brute force, while Gorilla Grodd is a thinking animal. His brain is considerably larger, about ten times the size of this gorilla skull."]

D-man: You have of lot of time to waste.

[The Trashman: And so do our overlords.]

Riddler: Speaking of that, I hope that you have the time, time, time…*say a great many time "time"*

[Kiryu: Riddler.exe has stopped working.]

D-man: I understand…

Riddler: Tttiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmeeeeeeee!

D-man: OKAY! There's a clue with the TIME!

[Servo: D-man looks at the clock and sees the hands are pointing at 6 and 9. It’s then that D-man feels the Riddler’s gloved hand caress his face.]

Riddler: You see when you want! So, at least that you doesn't find all the easter eggs I doesn't allow you to defeat me! Hahaha! *Take spitting poison in his eyes*

D-man: See ya.

[Mystic: Oh does this mean we can leave? *Walks over and runs into the door.*]




2:39mp Child play at Krank co. Toys factory

Wesker: Hey, I was the first, dimdo

[H.A.Y.E.S: Dimdo was never as famous as his cousin Dumbo.]

Peyton: He's mine now, old man!

[Mystic: "Ade due Damballa. Give the power, I BEG OF YOU!"]

Belzer: Retire before I eat your brains, Ken and Barbie

Peyton: Put some makeup on before, Sadako!

[The Trashman: At least the references aren't as painful as Ready Player One.]

Scarface: Someone help me!

[Servo: “I’ve lost track of the narrative!”]

D-man: Leave the puppet alone, you very… bizarre… people!

[Kiryu: Nice insult.]

Scarface: Thanks… *Has maggots in his cracked forehead, lacks the left eye with the hole's full of mascara and rotten eggs, pink-painted lips drilled by nails and finally wears a unicorn's horn, fairy's wings and a tutu*

[Mystic: Meh. I've seen worse. *side-eyes the Trashman*]

D-man: Ahhhh! *Run away*

Wesker: Well, that's wasn't expected…

Peyton: Who's up for nail polish?!

Belzer: Sleazy and gray for me!

[Kiryu: And then they drank the nail polish and died.]




-3:40pm InGeN, sorry Ace Chemicals fighting

[H.A.Y.E.S: Ace! Chemicals! Stop fighting!]

Bane: *Will breaks D-man's back* Ah! Want a battle with the top of the food chain, D-man? Take that! *Give a big kick against D-man's back*

D-man: Argghhh! Buuurppp! *Puking a lot of poison on Bane shoes*

[Mystic: That's just unsanitary.]

Bane: No, that's copperhead skin! *skids due to the poison puddle and fall in a tank*. My eyes! The glasses do nothing!

[Kiryu: When you see things you never should see on the Internet.]

Joker: *Broom the ground* Tss! Tss! D-man, this is déjà vu!

[Servo: Is it though? Is it really?]

Creeper: *Sneak his arm around him* I understand your pain, buddy.

[The Trashman: Seduction 101.]

Joker: Don't dare to touch me!

Creeper: As you want! But Harley found this cute that we're kissing

Joker: Harley found what?!

Harley: Say cheese! *Takes pictures of: Creeper kissing Joker's forehead, D-man and Bane's nose kissing, herself kissing Joker's ear and D-man and Joker kiss on the "censored"* I will earn a ton of bucks!

[Servo: The story is censoring itself for me this week!]

Ivy: Harley! You forget me!

Harley: Ah, don't worry, red! I have a larger piece of filmstrip just for us! *naughty look*

[Kiryu: Believe me, Tumblr would be all over that poop.]

[Mystic: "I hope you like vacation photos..."]

Ivy: Clever girl *gesture a kiss with her hand*

[Servo: You already used that line! How about “Shoot her!”, or “Life finds a way”, or, better yet, “That is one big pile of poop”?]




-4:9pm Dinette at Gotham's library

[H.A.Y.E.S: Dinette? That can be IT'S AN ACTUAL WORD? I am furious this story, THIS story, taught me something.]

Mad Hatter: Oh, a visitor do you want some tea and sweets? Cause today is, a very happy unbirthd…

D-man: That's my birthday, today

Mad hatter: Killjoy.




-05:01pm Dating in the sewers

[Kiryu: How lewd.]

[Servo: I’m glad that previous scene exists.]

Killer croc: *With a bunch of flowers* Oh, why can't you commit? Don't be afraid of how you feel!

D-man: *Run away* For the second time, I'm a man!

[Servo: It’s not that he’s opposed to dating a crocodile/human hybrid. D-man’s just super homophobic.]

[The Trashman: Linkara is now sending a cease and desist.]




-6&30pm Ostrich hiding at the Iceberg Lounge

Robin: D-man you sure this is a good idea?

D-man: Don't worry, you just have to hold their attention a little bit and during this I'll hiding between Penguin's umbrellas.

Robin: Okay, but why you spray at me Horseradish sauce?

D-man: Better not to notice you and taste.

Robin: Hmph… Just do it.

[H.A.Y.E.S: "Eat me. Engulf me with your warm, wet esophagus and give me release! Sweet, writhing release! You won't even taste it over the horseradish!]




Same hour:58pm Bird flippin' at the I.L's secret room

Thug: Boss are you alright?

Penguin: No! All of you has forgot that today is a special day for me.

[Kiryu: “Today’s the day I lay my eggs!”]

Thug: Oh yeah, I remember… Kind of birthday?

Penguin: Yesss! And who's birthday?

Thug: Uhhh… Ah! Joker and you partner's birthday!

[Mystic: "Wait. No. It was Crocs birthday!...No? Riddlers? Mad Hatter's? Condiment King's? OH! I know! Captain Cold!"
"THAT LAST ONE ISN'T EVEN BATMAN."]

Penguin: That's myyy, mine birthday! I will serve your rest to Tiny! Just let me take one of my umbrellas…*Took D-man disguised in an umbrella* Hey, this umbrella wasn't here before?

Thug: Yeah, that's a gift for you, boss! For your birthday!...*Singing with the others thugs* Because when the sun shines, we'll shine together. Told you I'd be here forever…*keeps annoying copyright*

[Servo: Oh, why stop now?]

[Mystic: *sniff, wiping eyes* ...Beautiful...]

Penguin: Where's we pressing on this stupid umbrella?! Ah, find it. *Press D-man's "bird"*

[Servo: Causing D-man to spray “horseradish sauce” everywhere.]

[Kiryu: ♪A-well-a everybody's heard about the bird! B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word!♪]

D-man: *Surprised and hurl Robin on the ground*

Thugs: *anxious* Birthday cake!

Penguin: Four five seconds…

Thug: Before what?

Penguin: Four. Five. SECONDS!…

[Servo: “Boss, are you having a stroke?”]




-07:05pm Strange case in Gotham's court

D-man: Hey Two-face! I only need the half of me to ruin your face!

Two face: *placid* Haha, very funny.




-8-32pm Reverse role at Monarch Theater

[Kiryu: Is it really that hard to just use a colon for the time?]

Clayface(Karlo):*Speak aloud in a crowd of carton people* You really think that you can find me, D-man? I can be everywhere and everything!

[H.A.Y.E.S: You know, talking really ruins your disguise there, buddy.]

[The Trashman: You think you can be a good fic?]

D-man: Well, I've got this review of your movie "The Terror" from the "Bludhaven's wings"

Clayface: *Leave his Geisha Shiva costume* Give me that! *Read*

They said that my talent is like a teared Killer Frost's mustache which Firefly made the incubation, it is all warmed over… *Crying and kneeling* Whyyy! Why! Whyyyyy! Ahh! My tears, they make me melting! I'm melting, melting! What a world! Ohhh… *Rise from the melting muds* Did you like it?

D-man: Hmm… I almost missing Joker's puns.




-9:40pm Bitter punch lines at a comedy bar

[Servo: This story is the bitter punch line to my life.]

Joker: So what are you doing here D-man? Want to spiting?! Hahaha!

[Kiryu: “Would you saying that again, but in a proper sentence?”]

Harley: Good one boss!

Joker: Yeah! That's a card play and I'll RUFFing you!

[H.A.Y.E.S: Ruff as in referring to a collar or frill? I... that is well beyond the level of anything I expected from this story.]

[Mystic: *Not even paying attention.* "Keep going Puddin! You're knocking them dead!"]

Harley: Laughed out loud, Mr J!

[Servo: Stop encouraging him, Harley. Christ!]

Joker: Oh Quiny, I'm in a good way but I prefer to let my dame tease this teeth!

[Kiryu: ...What?]

Harley: Hihihi! You're so funny, puddin'! Well… Oh, I got one! Hey Dilophosaurus man, you're just a dildo phallus man! *wimp*

[Mystic: ... :applause:]

Joker: *Death glare to Harley* Anyway… It's time to bring a smile on this boring face Dilly! *Use his laugh gas on Dilophosaurus man*

D-man: No! NoooahaAAHAHAHAHAAACHOOOOO! *Sneeze and spit poison on Joker's eyes*

Harley: *Look at Joker's face* Awww puddin'! It's looks like you have a domino mask, just like meee! That's so romantic!

Joker: Yay, my eyes burns for you…

[Mystic: I think the proper response is "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH MY EYES!!!!"]




-10:31pm Super scary Hydraulic power plant

Scarecrow: Gotham will drink the suffering of the fear, D-man! And you cannot beat me, you little lizard. It's time to you to face your own fears! *release terror gas on D-man*

Catwoman: Youhou, Bruuuuce! I lost my bras!

[H.A.Y.E.S: Why were you wearing more than one?]

D-man: What!? Cause you used to wearing bras?

[H.A.Y.E.S: WHY WERE YOU WEARING MORE THAN ONE?]

Catwoman: Come protect me Bruce, I'm so scared!

D-man: I come my kitty cat!

[Servo: Please don’t.]

Catwoman: Aw Bruce, I always know you want more than CHATting with me! Hahahaha! *Turn into the Joker in bride suit*

[H.A.Y.E.S: Bride... suit?]

D-man: Wow, that's dress really fit you Joker.

[H.A.Y.E.S: Wait, you called it a "bride suit" when you KNOW it's a dress?]

Joker: *romantic* Do what you have to do, fool.

D-man: *Kneeling* Joker do you want to marry me?

[Kiryu: Was he exposed to fear gas or an aphrodisiac?]

[Mystic: Scarecrow: "Are...are you two just going to ignore me? Not even...alright...Guess I'll DROWN THE CITY IN FEAR...unopposed..."]

Joker: I believe that you never asked me, especially my little bun in the oven *Show his pregnant stomach with a door on it*. Open it, honey…

[Servo: I’m sorry, are you asking him to perform a c-section right now?]

D-man: Okay even if it's strange *Open the door*

Harley Quinn: *As a chibi jack-in-the-box* Love is an open door, daddy!

D-man: *Wake up from his nightmare* Ahhh! You touch a heartstrings Scarecrow, I'll make you pay for this!

[The Trashman: How dare you stop my wet dream involving The Joker!]

-Clock King: A few moment later… Did I will really get payed for this?

Scarecrow: *panic* Please stop it, bring me back to Arkham but just stop it!

Robin: D-man what did you do to scared so much the Scarecrow?

D-man: That's simple, Scarecrow suffer from chiroptophobia, so I use the better thing to attract bats… The batusi! *Start to dance*

[Servo: Come on, everybody! Dance!]

[Mystic: Personally I prefer the Charleston.]

Scarecrow: No! Stop it! *Jump from the top of Gotham's waterfall*

D-man: Well, this Halloween besotted get what's he wants.

Robin: What did you mean?

D-man: A long Fall!

Robin: *Jump from the top of Gotham's waterfall too*

[Mystic: Robin has the right idea. Does this place have a waterfall?]




12÷4pm …

[Servo: Twelve divided by four is 3:00pm! Ha! I can do basic math.]

Midnight

[Servo: Wait, what?!]

… at Ally's zoo and kiss slap at "Chez Michelle"

Robin: *On the phone* Bruce? You really think this is a good idea that I come here alone? I just say, you wouldn't find this boring to not fight with me?

D-man: Nah! In plus you asking me to having the Dilomobile for the weekend, so do this and I will be able to believe you. Hey mademoiselle! Huh, I mean I've got to go! Good luck! *rings off*

[Kiryu: D-man then proceeded to have a night of vore-related debauchery immediately afterwards.]

Robin: Okay… So where did I go, first?

?: Hey, Drake!

[The Trashman: Said Josh.]

Robin: Ah! A witch, please don't burn me in your oven!

[H.A.Y.E.S: Due a lifetime of bad luck in the kitchen, Robin doesn't understand the difference between cooking and burning.]

Babs: That's me Tim! Batgirl!

Robin: Yeah, I know it Babs! I want you to thought that I was in distress so you would take confidence!

[Kiryu: “I even wet myself to make it look legit!”]

Babs: No… Really?

[Mystic: "No you idiot! You scared the hell out of me!"]

Robin: Yeah, kind of… Can I say somethin' *Loud noise*

[Servo: Sorry, that was just me screaming into a pillow. Please, continue.]

Babs: Not now! We have to run to this, this is strange

[H.A.Y.E.S: Tell us about it.]

Robin: *Look at the sky* Please make that the noise comes from the bunny paddock!

[Kiryu: I have no clue what you just said, pal.]

Babs: Here, it comes from this freaky spooky scary dark bunny paddock

Robin: Great…




Clock king: Meanwhile at "Chez Michelle" 0:29 and 04 seconds

D-man: *As Bruce, at a restaurant table with a bib* Wow! Pinch me, I should dreaming!

[Mystic: Okay! *Enthusiastically holds up hand and makes a pinching motion* HGMMHMHNHHMHMMMMM]

Selina: Hm, flattering. Soo, what makes a wealthy dinosaur to invite a banal woman like me?

D-man: Banal?! If I could say anything about you I wouldn't saying banal! *Start to drink his glass of wine*

[Servo: Anything to help that lie go down easier.]

Selina: Ahah. If we order some amuse-gueule first?

[H.A.Y.E.S: Please stop teaching me vocabulary, I'm starting to feel dumber than this story and that is unacceptable.]

Alfred: *Costumed as a waiter* What did you desire, lady?

D-man: *Surprise to see him and spit his wine on Alfred's face*

[Kiryu: As well as his venom, blinding Alfred for life.]

Alfred: Red, lovely choice. So, can I suggest something like a caviar or foie gras?

[Servo: Uh, no thank you…do you have complimentary dinner rolls?]

Selina: That's nice but I would make my own choice. I would like a Ratcatcher with his Maxie Zeus Salad

[Mystic: "Ah, the "awful" choice. A wise decision ma'am."]

Alfred: And how would you like you Ratcatcher?

Selina: Bloody, with a dash of salt

[Mystic: You know, I think the term "Blood, sweat, and tears." wasn't supposed to be taken literally...]

D-man: *amaze* I… I would take the rest…

Alfred: Right! *Whispers to D-man's ear* Good choice, master Bruce

Selina: *Closing D-man's wide open mouth with her index* Easy, I don't bite. Well, not yet…

[Servo: Check, please.]

D-man: Bo a blum, uh, do a blugh eh ou a blaugh… Wow! *Makes Selina laugh*

[Kiryu: D-man finally went insane.]




Clock King: Meanwhile… Again

[Mystic: *Clock King checks his watch, then sighs in disappointment*]

Babs: Faster! They run away from us!

Robin: * In a zoo's buggy* Hey! Is that coach is enough for the princess?

Babs: Enough… Now, let me drive! *Push Robin and crazy driving*

Robin: Warning, you will hurt him! * The buggy hit the stranger*

Babs: Oops, sorry. Hey but I know him...

[Servo: Babs puts the buggy in reverse and runs the stranger over again.]

Jason: Hello Barbie! Happy to see me again?

Robabs: Ahhh! *Run away from him*

[H.A.Y.E.S: I just tried to run too, but security escorted me back in.]

Jason: You can run but no one can escape to the Robin of Gotham past!

Dick: Except the Robin of Gotham present!

Robin: Ahhh! Hey, Babs?

Babs: *dreamy* Hi, Dick. I miss you very much. That's new suit really fit you. You doing sport, nah?

Dick: Yeah, I miss you too, Babe. And even more you, lil'wing *Grin at Tim*

Robin: *Jealous and uncomfortable* Get out of here, right now! *Babs doesn't move, so he take her arm and literally drag her*

Babs: *Ecstatic* Aww! Nightwiiiinnnnnggggggg!

Damian: Watch out! Cause here is the Robin of Gotham yet to come!

[Mystic: *Loud terrified shrieking* BE GONE FROM THIS HOUSE! YOUR KIND IS NOT WELCOME HERE.]

Robabs: Aww! He is so cute

Damian: Grr! *Turn his face in a Beetlejuice coackroach kind*

[Servo: …why?]

Babs: Ahhhhh! Robin come, he is creepy!

Robin: Wait the others Robin give you a nickname, I would like to hear his.

Damian: Well, I think I call her B#!?s

[The Trashman: He's also from another time.]

Babs: *Bersek* How did you call me?! *Kick Damian in space*

[H.A.Y.E.S: "No, really, what? You said, "pound sign, exclamation mark, question mark, lowercase S" aloud. ]

Milo and the terrible trio: Hahahaha *Hiding*

Babs: Robin come with me in the bush *Take Robin to the bush*

[Kiryu: Uh, is he of legal age?]

Shark: Ah! Did you hear the bat babies?

Fox: Yeah! It was delightful, and all of this thanks to this dear Professor Milo who made this gas which create hallucinations! Haha! Just like Jonathan Crane but less expensive!

Shark: Toss toss *Fake coughing, because Fox's words shocks Milo*

Eagle: You're so awesome and hunky, honey Foxy *Hug him*

Fox: Eagle! I already told you that I'm not into that stuff!

Robin: Soon you would be in a jail, Fox!

[Kiryu: “McCloud!”]

Babs: What did you do Robin, they are more than us and with a lot of weapons!

Robin: Don't be anxious, your hero just played day and night a video game just like that!

Babs: *Sarcastic* Oh, we're saved…

Robin: Okay! When I use the flashlight on you, you will be defeat! *Turn on and turn off the light, repeatedly* Ah, Oh, Ah, Oh, Ah, Oh, Ah, Oh!

[Servo: Robin plays dirty by exploiting Milo’s severe epilepsy.]

Milo and the terrible trio: Grrr! *murderous look to Robin*

Robin: *nervous* Right, right! When the light doesn't work then use the door interrupter! *Push a random interrupter*

Babs: Robin, nooo! *We hearing animal roars* You just free the killer bunny from Langstrombannog!

[Mystic: Have no fear citizens, I shall protect you! *place hand on temple, and starts humming loudly*]

[H.A.Y.E.S: FINALLY A WORD THAT JUST ISNT REAL MY SELF WORTH RETURNS]

Milo and the terrible trio: *Terrified* Killer rabbits?!

[Kiryu: “Quick, get the Holy Hand Grenade!”]

Shark: Run away, guys!

[Servo: You don’t have legs. You’re a shark.]

Fox: *Running* It's probable that the rabbits will eat us so… Anyway! I love you eagle!

Eagle: *Jump in Fox's arms* Aw! My beast!

[Kiryu: “Now kiss me, you fool!”]

Babs: *Peaceful* And they happily ever after in Blackgate penitentiary. You can get out, Tim!

Robin: *Behind the buggy* I was checking if there wasn't any weapon in the buggy! To give 'em to you, of course! You know, I can beat those Rabbit of something everytime!

Babs: *Kiss Tim's cheek* Langstrombannog, Langstrombannog…

Robin: So, they doesn't exist at all?

[Servo: The trauma of finding out the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus don’t exist resurfaces.]

Babs: Of course not! Just a mix of audio sound and villain's silliness.

Robin: Yeah! And like I said you do all I was told to you to do in my plan! But, Milo and the trio they escape?

Babs: I don't think this, cause something told to me that a genius and charming heroine inform Gordon and the GCPD that they must be waiting around Ally's zoo, tonight.

[Mystic: Did you all get that?]

[Servo: Either I’m going insane, or this story’s gotten slightly more comprehensible as it’s gone on.]

Robin: Wow! You're tremendous. Like in my plan, of course! Aha…

Babs: *Walking to the exit with him* Tim, you want to say something to me, earlier?

Robin: Huh, yeah! I want to say that… I like y… I like that you coming with me to the Opera to see the renewed "Mac badluck" the critics compliment this and her new main role Mary Dahl!

Babs: Yeah, I like it, a lot… *Both walking slowly under the moonlight*

[The Trashman: The moon then fell on them.]




Clock king: FRrrrr!*Sleep and snore* Frrrr! *Take a dilorang in the face* Sacré bleu! I mean, meanwhile…

[Kiryu: Y’know, is there even really any point to making Batman a Dilophosaurus? I mean, sure, there’s the occasional poison spit joke, but aside from that, the writer really doesn’t do much with that concept aside from changing Batman’s name. They didn’t even make Barbara into Dilophosaurus Girl. It almost feels pointless.]

D-man: *Sweating* So I… was thinkin' if you, Mrs Kyle…

Selina: Selina, call me Selina. *Meow look*

[Kiryu: The skreeonk’s a ‘meow look’?]

[Mystic: :3]

D-man: S…Selina, would you like to help…

Selina: I would love to help you, in every way… *tickle his feet with her own*

D-man: Aw! I… I mean would you helping charity…

Selina: Charity? I'm made for this… Especially for the ones who deserve this… Like you *wink at him*

[Servo: Nothing turns me on more than a big donation to UNICEF.]

D-man: dcgcpdign *watered down by an extinguisher by Alfred* Help charity, financially.

[Mystic: "You know. With MONEY. M O N E Y."]

Selina: Oh… Well I will donate. What's the name of this association?

D-man: Bastet, it help animals, families, music, dance and joy.

Selina: Just like the real. Do you have a cat?

[Mystic: He does now. *Holds up a collar and waggles eyebrows*]

D-man: No, but I have a dog, Ace. He loves night walk and kitty too

[The Trashman: I should warn you, he did get bit by a bat recently, but I'm sure it's nothing.]
Selina: You're not talking about you, right?

[Servo: “No. Frankly, I have no idea what I’ve been talking about. I’m two bottles deep right now.”]

D-man: No! No… Well thanks for your upcoming donation.

Selina: The pleasure was all for me. Well, maybe we see again in the future, mister? *Get up and leave but one her heels break, makes her falling*

D-man: *Catch and hold her, they are very close* Bruce, James Bruce. *Laugh together* I… I was thinking that, may I can escort you to your home?

Selina: Eh, you don't know how to talk to a woman?

[H.A.Y.E.S: You have to stand on your head and vibrate your diaphragm.]

D-man: Maybe, but I know how to talk to a cat. *smile*

[Mystic: C'MERE KITTY KITTY! *Dangles keys happily*]

[The Trashman: I share his pain. I always choke whenever I try to talk to a cat. I still regret never asking out this one cat to my high school prom.]

Selina: Know great.

Alfred: *Playing violin* Sorry to interrupt you, but I just remember the house give free spaghetti to our 294th customers and you're the lucky winners! *Put spaghetti on the table*

[Kiryu: Somebody toucha my spaghet!]

Brucelina: *Smiling*

[H.A.Y.E.S: When people talk about couples being like one person, they usually aren't so literal.]

Calendar man: *From nowhere* That's enough folks! Happy everyday!

Clock king: Hey that's my work! You stole it! Abruti

Calendar man: Fight, I triple dare ya! *Punch Clock King*

Clock king: What? Cause you're able to counting? *Fight with Calendar man*

[Mystic: I bet good money on this. COME ON CALENDAR MAN.]




Extra: 2:58pm Arkham sweet Arkham

Harley: *In the dark* Aww Mr J, the guards will notice that you're not at the right place!

Harvey: *Punch the right wall of his cell* Quite down, next! I try to sleep

Two-face: But me I try to hear them! Now Hush!

Harley: *pianissimo* Guys?

Riddler: Hush is here? Where's is he?! Oh my Husky hushie honey! *Jump hysterically*

Scarecrow: And if is not here? That's your fear, right? There's fear all over here! Hihihi! *Evil laugh*

Bane: The only thing which scares me is to hear you. Plus I have my Osito to protect me against all monster under my bed! Osito?! Where are you!? *Scream*

Croc: You call it a roar, I can make better! And you gonna hear me roaaarrr! *Roar*

[Kiryu: ♪Louder, louder than a lion! 'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar!♪]

Freeze: Stop it, all of that noises shatters my glass helmet! Stop this! *The suit's alarm activates*

Harley: *piano* Guys!

[Mystic: Play them a sonata, Harley.]

Mad Hatter: Teas? Someone need teaaasssss?! 'Cause today is a very happy unbirthd… *Sing*

Penguin: Traitor! You talkin' 'bout that while you forget my, mine birthday. Like everyone here! I hate you! Hatin', hatin, hatin'! *Keep shouting*

Ivy: Sorry not sorry. I couldn't find any flower enough big for being able to eat ya.*Keep quiet*

Scarface: Hey, is a deautiful and dewitching dady like you need a dig man to cherish her? *Smack the void*

[Servo: *the void smacks back*]

Wesker: Boss, we aren't in the same cell! *panic and breathing*

Clayface: Whaaat?! But how the puppet can talk without a ventriloquist? It is a vengeful force that will bring to all of us a terrible revenge?! Please protect us! Protectttt! That's what good, right? I will be a great actor! *Dance and stomp the ground*

Harley: *mezzo* GUYS!

Creeper: *As a ventriloquist* Haha! Gotcha! You should see your face!

D-man: Get out of here! You're too boring for being insane and you're too insane for being boring! *Try to push him*

Harley: *fortissimo* GUYS!? *everyone stop* Okay, listen. Joker and me trying to having some good time which is very rare because of all things like crime and justice, so would you please let me enjoy this with my PUDDIN'!... Hey, that's not mister J! *Holding a Joker doll which blows and covers everyone with fish and dilophosaurus' spit*

Joker: Ah! You guys are really mad! Hahaha!

[The Trashman: Nah! We're pissed for having to read this.]

Everyone except J: *furious* JOKER!

The End?

[H.A.Y.E.S: Please God, let it be.]




“Experiment complete,” the computer states.

“Recalibrating subjects.”

1

2


3.”


After a dazed walk back to the prison cell, the five prisoners are silent. The story they read has effectively crippled their will to exist.

Elvis slides open the food slot in the prison door. He slides a Tupperware container full of pizza into the cell. “Courtesy of the good doctor.” The slot shuts.

H.A.Y.E.S. grabs the Tupperware and drops it off at the Mystic One’s feet. “Since you didn’t get to have pizza last week, you can have this.”

The Mystic One’s glazed eyes look up at H.A.Y.E.S., barely registering his kind gesture.




Dr. Goodlover smiles as he cleans his round glasses with his sleeve. “You can see my experiments are having a noticeable effect on their collective psyche.”

“It is a start.” Pearl is disinterested in Goodlover at the moment.

This doesn’t go unnoticed. Dr. Goodlover puts his glasses back on. “Are you not satisfied with what I have given them?”

“You shall have them broken in three weeks’ time. Completely.”

“I can’t guarantee that, Chancellor,” Dr. Goodlover states.

“Why?”

“Their reaction to the story cannot be predetermined. It doesn’t work like that. Too many factors exist for it to be calculated with any –“

Chancellor Pearl silences Dr. Goodlover with a raised hand. “Three weeks, Doctor. And if you don’t succeed in breaking them, then we will break you.”

Dr. Goodlover nods in frightened understanding.

S3E4: Murder Suicide

Posted: Sat Jul 28, 2018 4:05 pm
by Kubo
TURN DOWN YOUR LIGHTS
(where applicable)


In the slightly-more-distant future
Next Monday, A.D.
There was a guy named Tom,
Not too different from you or me.
He worked on a satellite up in space,
(du-nu-nu-nu-nu-du-something—mace)
He did a good job riffing fanfics,
But something must’ve happened
And he crashed back down to earth.

I’ll send him cheesy stories,
The worst on the web (la-la-la)
He’ll have to sit and read them all,
And I’ll monitor his mind (la-la-la).
Now keep in mind Tom can’t control,
Where the stories are coming from (la-la-la)
He’ll try to keep his sanity,
With the help of his co-star friends!

Co-Star Roll Call:
Kiryu! (That’s me.)
Mystic (I’m psychic!)
Trashman (TRAAAAASH)
Haaaaayes! (Wait, I’m on again?!)

If you’re wondering about the heat death,
of the universe. (la-la-la)
Repeat to yourself that it’s okay.
It won’t happen in your lifetime.
It’s Mystery Fiction Readers 3000!

Theme based upon parody lyrics by Ultraman Goji.


“Do you know where they took the Mystic One?” Tom asks Kiryu. It’s been three days since the Mystic One had been removed from the cell. Between the last experiment and then, they hadn’t spoken a word.

“No,” Kiryu answers curtly.

“Have you considered the possibility that the Aliens took them to the trash compactor?” The Trashman’s heap of trash has grown at an exponential rate, and now occupies a quarter of the cell.

“Why would they do that?” Tom fires back.

“Simple. They broke them with that lost story. If there’s no more need for something or someone, ya throw ‘em in the traaaash.” Something of an absentminded smile comes across his face. “That’s how I’d like to go. Be one with what I love most.”

“No, that can’t be right,” Tom says.

Kiryu rubs the fatigue from his eyes. “Face it, Tom. The Mystic One’s gone. This is the end of the line.”

“We can’t give in,” H.A.Y.E.S. declares, rising from the floor. “That’s what the Aliens want.”

Kiryu remains silent, clearly not sold by the robot’s optimism. Tom is the one to thrown in the towel. “What if it is over, man?”

H.A.Y.E.S. stares daggers at Tom. “What? Over? Did you say ‘over’? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!”

The Trashman nods approvingly.

“It ain’t over now, ‘cause when the goin’ gets tough, the tough get goin’. Who’s with me? Let’s go! Come on!” H.A.Y.E.S. makes a beeline for the door, but stops. He wheels around. “It’s locked.”

“H.A.Y.E.S. is right,” Tom says, a newfound energy empowering him. “Psychotic. But absolutely right.”

“Thank you.”

“These are just stories. And they’re bad. Some of the worst things to ever have graced the internet. We don’t have a choice about whether or not we get to read them, but we decide how we react to them. If we let ourselves get dragged down by the muck of it all, then the Aliens and Dr. Goodlover will get exactly what they want.” Tom pauses for dramatic effect. He’s working his crowd of three. “This isn’t the first time I’ve lived through this kind of thing. It can seem like the end of the world. But you know what happened? I got through, and I did because I had friends like you,” he points to H.A.Y.E.S., “with me the whole time. We are stronger together, guys, so when Elvis comes and he opens up this door, we’re going to march confidently into the Study and kick this experiment’s ass!”

A series of whoops and hollers from everyone in the cell. It’s a bit of an embarrassing sight, but that hardly matters. They’re all in this together.




The four prisoners march into Pearl’s office with dumb smiles on their faces. Dr. Goodlover notes them with disgust.

“Would you like to hear about today’s experiment?” Dr. Goodlover asks evilly.

The Trashman coughs up a plastic candy wrapper and inspects it in a grimy hand.

“That’s disgusting,” Goodlover remarks.

The Trashman extends his hand out to the doctor. “Would you like it?”

“Get that away from me!”

The Trashman retracts his hand and shoves the wrapper up his nose, snorts through one nostril, and smiles.

Dr. Goodlover is horrified by this vile display. “How do you even function?”

“I ask myself that every day, pal.”

Pearl’s bony knuckle taps the desk. She’s growing impatient. Dr. Goodlover understands and continues his spiel. “Today’s story is about the complex relationship between a blue jay and a raccoon. Truly a modern-day Romeo and Juliet.”

“Sounds great,” Tom chirps.

Dr. Goodlover is once again baffled by his test subjects. They parade into the Study without even a cent of hesitation or disdain.

The doctor turns to Pearl. “Do they seem happier than normal to you?”

Chancellor Pearl watches the Study door shut with the slightest of frowns.

“Initiating Experiment D,” a computer voice states.

“Prepare for data transmission.”

A red light illuminates the room.

“Data received. Beginning Experiment D in

3

2


1.”





EXPERIMENT D

Murder Suicide

.Rigby sat on the couch watching the latest episode of Invader Zim.

[H.A.Y.E.S: The story starts with a period. Does that mean it's over? Can we leave?]

Rigby was a pretty big fan of the show, he had just made it to the part where Zim defeated Tak with help from his arch nemesis and evil sister. Rigby was about to change the channel…

[Servo: I already did.]

…to see what else was on when he heard familiar footsteps traipse down the stairs, he looked up to spot mordecai opening the door.

[Kiryu: And running out screaming bloody murder because the upstairs was on fire.]

"Hey mordecai where are you going?" rigby asked turning off the TV completely, his focus drifting towards his best friend.

[H.A.Y.E.S: His Ford Focus drifting towards his best friend, about to crush him with one-and-a-half tons of metal.]

"I'm about to go to cheezers, wanna come?" mordecai asked pulling on his coat.

"Alright, you payin?" rigby asked standing up from the couch walking over to the tall blue-jay.

[Kiryu: “Yes, with your blood.”]

"Ughh yeah fine" mordecai groaned knowing that this would burn a hole in his wallet, but he knew when he asked rigby if he wanted to come, but it still hurt knowing he would have to pay twice as much.

"Thanks man" rigby spoke with true sincerity which really shocked the blue-jay, mordecai was a little confused about this but brushed it off for now.

[H.A.Y.E.S: As a born sociopath, sincerity confuses and scares Mordecai.]

The ride to cheezers was short and mainly consisted of the duo jamming out to their favorite songs. The duo walked into the restaurant after having to endure the ridiculously long line finally ordering their much desired grilled cheese. Rigby followed his best friend over to the closest available table that wasn't covered in leftover food.

[Kiryu: And dead hobos.]

Rigby quietly sat down in the seat across from mordecai lowering his head to his sandwich.

[Servo: Some people eat their grilled cheese. Rigby uses his as a pillow. Different strokes, people.]

Mordecai bit into his own food watching his best friend who seemed to be hiding something from mordecai, but what could it be.

[The Trashman: He's pregnant.]

It was eating at mordecai, he needed to know what was wrong with his best friend.

"Hey Rigby are you ok man you have been acting kind of strange man is there anything you need to tell me dude" mordecai asked putting his feathered hand comfortingly on rigby's shoulder.

[Servo: “I just found out today that…that I’m a raccoon.”]

"I'm fine" rigby says in a defensive tone smacking his friends hand away his cheeks a slight almost unnoticeable pink.

[Kiryu: “I-It’s not like I LIKE being touched by you or anything, b-baka…”]

[Servo: As it turns out, Rigby is actually allergic to grilled cheese and is breaking out in a rash.]

Rigby continued to eat his sandwich as mordecai look at him to find out whatever reason it was that was wrong with him. Rigby noticed the stare and tried to ignore the uncomfortable feeling of his best friend's eyes watching him feeding his insecurities.

[Kiryu: Feeding them until they got overweight and needed to exercise.]

Mordecai noticed this but didn't give up he was going to find out what was wrong.

[Servo: Mind your own business, Mordecai. Christ.]

[H.A.Y.E.S: Hey, I'd be uncomfortable if someone was intently watching me eat too.]

"WHAT THE skreeonk DO YOU KEEP STARING AT!" rigby yells gaining the attention of nearby tables, the response of his friend being a punch to the arm for causing a scene.

[The Trashman: Mission failed! We'll get'em next time!]

Rigby angrily stands from his spot running up the steps to the door. Mordecai watched in shock as his friend ran past the window in the direction of the park. Mordecai realized his own actions and mentally face palmed his own stupidity following his best friend back to the house in the cart.

[Kiryu: Ah yes, I remember how they lived in a house that was found in a cart.]

The blue jay rushed up the stairs opening the door to his and rigby's shared room, he looked around the room spotting a familiar brown tail underneath the large pile of clothes spread across the trampoline. Mordecai pushed the clothes off of the raccoon who refused to look up at the taller male. Mordecai felt guilty for his stupid actions, all he wanted to know was what was wrong with his friend.

[H.A.Y.E.S: Probably the same thing that's wrong with this story.]

"Rigby come on man I am sorry for hitting you" mordecai pleaded as he did many times when they would fight usually over stupid things.

[Servo: Just last week, they had a fight like this about who would get the collectable R2-D2 toy in a box of Frosted Flakes.]

Rigby angrily stood up on his trampoline looking mordecai dead in the eye and slapping the bluejay as hard as he could across the face. Mordecai actually felt the pain of that hit either from rigby's pent up anger or adrenaline all he knew was that it hurt. Rigby was beyond angry at this point how dare mordecai think that yet another simple apology would even help he was so sick of them he knew each one was meaningless but of course he forgave mordecai because mordecai was all that he had but not this time.

[Kiryu: This time he had got himself a new friend, and his name was Jack Daniels.]

[H.A.Y.E.S: -gasp- You know what time it is, kids? THE RUN ON SENTENCE SONG! Sing it with me! R~! U~! N-O-N~! That sentence just needed to end~! Yaaaaaaaaaay!]

"You know what mordecai skreeonk your apology" rigby spoke pure venom dripping from his words.

Mordecai angrily balled his fist not thinking of what he was doing sent it flying into rigby's cheek.

[Kiryu: Chris Browned.]

Rigby stumbled falling over accidentally hitting his head on the corner of the table that divided the duos beds. Mordecai watched in horror as rigby's now limp body fell to the floor a pool of blood circling the body of his best friend. Mordecai began to panic, he killed his best friend this couldn't be happening; he had to hide the body.

[H.A.Y.E.S: Well, that escalated quickly.]

[The Trashman: Hide it in the trash. His body now belongs to it.]

Mordecai lifted the now lifeless corpse that once was his best friend carrying him out of the room and down the stairs. He felt the tears stream down his face as he laid the body in the back seat of the cart wrapping it in a garbage bag.

[Kiryu: Hey Trashman, Mordecai stole your bed.]

Mordecai couldn't believe this happened he was just angry, rigby didn't deserve to die.

[Servo: That punch to the face though? Totally deserved.]

Mordecai stopped at the old abandoned cemetery, the memories of him and rigby hosting movie night fresh in his mind. he laid the body down giving his friend one last look before walking back to the cart, mordecai looked in the back seat noticing the blood coating the fabric.
The tears began to start back up remembering his mistake, he simply climbed back in the cart knowing he would have to clean up mess before the others got back from their weekly badminton practice.

As mordecai left he didn't notice the blood that seeped from the raccoon's head leaking into the giant cracks that formed the shape of a pentagram surrounding the body. Once the blood finally began to connect completing the star the crimson color morphed into a dark almost florescent obsidian color. The body began to stir awakening the soul within it, soon enough sharp claws ripped through the bag.

[The Trashman: Make sure not to cut yourself on the edge on your way out.]

A very angry looking rigby raised from the plastic cocoon, the once emerald eyes now blood red to show his pure rage. The raccoon scowls at his surroundings revealing a row of sharp teeth, he walks down the path of the cemetery breaking the lock mordecai re-attached to the large gates pushing them open. Rigby smirks seeing the light illuminating from the house so far away.

[H.A.Y.E.S: "i DiDn'T fOrGeT tO pAy tHe eLeCtRiCiTy bIlL aFtEr aLl.”]

Meanwhile

Mordecai sat on his knees scrubbing his best friend's blood from the hard wood floors.

[Kiryu: The hard, aroused wood floors.]
[Servo: Kiryu, I think he meant hardwood floor.]
[Kiryu: You can’t convince me it wasn’t aroused though.]

He looked as if he were in almost in a trance staring off at the very bland wall as he scrubbed the last bits of blood from the floor. The blood now tinting his hands with the cursed crimson color.

Mordecai stood from his spot throwing the bloody rag into the trash can walking over to his bed wanting nothing more than to lay down and wake up the next morning to see this was all a nightmare. Rigby grew close to the house…

[Servo: A typical Rigby grows best with 4 – 6 hours of sunlight daily, so it is best to plant them close to your house where they can be shaded for most of the day.]

…he could smell the blue jay's scent that seemed to fuel his anger. He got down on all fours running as fast as he could to the house.

[H.A.Y.E.S: "bUt wHaT aBoUt tHe pHoNe bIlL ?!”]

Mordecai was awoken from his horrible nightmare…

[Kiryu: which consisted of looking up Rigby x Mordecai fanart on Deviantart]

…by the sound of glass shattering downstairs. He climbed out of his bed curiosity getting the better of him, he decided to investigate. He opened the door and descended the stairs to see the window in the living room shattered, glass shards covering the floor.

Mordecai sighed ready to grab the broom from its closet when the lights suddenly went out leaving the entire house in a pitch black.

[Kiryu: A pitch black what? What are you referring to, writer?]

Mordecai continued to walk running his hands across the wall hoping to find something useful. The bluejay tripped over a toy car falling directly into the pile of glass.

[The Trashman: Little did Mordecai know, Rigby hired Kevin McCallister to help in the assassination.]

The pain was unbearable, thousands of tiny pieces embedded themselves in his skin, and every time he tried to move they drove deeper. The bluejay slowly stood up wincing in pain, his muscles begging him to stay still. Just as the he got to his feet he heard strange ominous laughter coming from the corner of the room.

"Who's there!" mordecai called out in panic knowing that he wasn't able to run in the condition he was in

[Servo: It’s not because of the glass. Mordecai is really out of shape.]

"Aw mordecai how could you forget your best friend so easily" red eyes flashed in the darkness before a very familiar face walked out of the shadows.

[Kiryu: Asriel Dreemurr? Chara?]

[Servo: “Pinkie Pie?”]

[The Trashman: Satan?]

"r-rigby" mordecai questioned not believing his own eyes, there in front of him was his best friend, the very friend he left laying out in the abandoned cemetery to rot.

[Servo: You take him to Pet Sematary! What did you expect?]

"That's right mordecai I'm back, did you miss me, I missed you but don't worry, me and you are going to have a lot of fun" rigby spoke in an ominous tone rigby stepped over the bluejay crouching down forcing mordecai to look at him.

[Kiryu: Then he noticed Rigby’s bulge.]

[H.A.Y.E.S: I don't know what's more sorely missed: the conjunctions or the punctuation.]

Mordecai reacted pushing rigby off of him taking off up the stairs, rigby sighed following his best friend. Mordecai kicked open the door to Benson's office collapsing onto the floor. His vision became blurry from blood loss but he knew he needed to move or rigby would kill him, he fumbled forward opening the top drawer in the gumball machines desk pulling out the 9mm he knew his boss hid there.

[The Trashman: And soon realized it was just a pez dispenser.]

Mordecai turned to see rigby walking into the room dragging something behind him, his vision cleared enough to see it was the hatchet that they used when Benson made them chop down the dead trees. He pointed the gun at the raccoon who walked closer the hatchet dragging behind him.

[Kiryu: Rigby really wasn’t that strong.]

"Stay back man I don't want to shoot you" mordecai pleaded pulling the hammer back looking down the barrel at rigby.

[H.A.Y.E.S: "That's why I specifically retrieved a gun! To NOT shoot you!"]

Rigby didn't let his smile falter his red eyes glowing in the darkness of the room. Mordecai began to panic and emptied his round in rigby's body, the raccoon fell backward on the ground dropping the hatchet. Mordecai sighed in relief dropping the gun and laying against the wall, he closed his eyes glad that this living nightmare was finally over.

[Servo: And then he gets into a car possessed by Freddy Krueger.]

He suddenly hear shuffling and opened his eyes quickly just in time to watch his best friend lodging the hatchet into his shoulder breaking his arms.

Mordecai screamed in pain as he fell to the floor only to feel the axe hit his leg cutting the thin appendage off. Rigby growled angrily cutting off the other leg the blood now covering his face.

[Servo: *wordless reaction*]

"You were my best friend, you killed me you bastard" rigby yelled lodging the hatchet in the desk kicking the bluejay in the ribs. Crouching down his face now inches away from the other.

"I-I skreeonking loved you…and you killed me" Tears dripped from the raccoon's face showing his real pain mordecai gasped at his best friend's confession.

[H.A.Y.E.S: Or maybe from shock at the blood loss. Yeah. Definitely blood loss.]

[The Trashman: Love will do that to you. All of my ex-wives did that to me.]

[Kiryu: I don’t know if I’d prefer this being a romance fic instead.]

"I'm sorry r-rigby" mordecai spoke in a weak tone connecting his lips with rigby's.

[Kiryu: What lips? Birds have beaks, ya dummy.]
[Servo: Food for thought.]

Rigby was shocked but kissed back wishing hat this could have happened under different conditions.

[Servo: Necrophilia was kind of his thing, but this isn’t quite the way Rigby thought it’d go.]

He cup the bluejay's cheeks wanting this moment to last longer his tears now dripping faster. A heavy snapping sound filled the room before the room went silent.

[Servo: SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM!]

The grieving raccoon laid his best friend's corps on the ground grabbing Benson's gun along with a new shell, he sobbed putting the bullet in the clip pulling the hammer back and aiming the gun to his head. He laid with his best friend and lifelong crush's body the thought of him and his best friend and the life they could have lived if he wasn't so stupid to conceal his feelings. He sighed pulling the trigger falling to the ground beside the bluejay's corpse.

[H.A.Y.E.S: Wait, why do bullets work now?]

[Kiryu: That is so sad Pumbaa play Hakuna Matata.]

The next day Benson returned to the house to find the mess, his gumballs ganged red in anger as he screamed for mordecai and rigby.

[The Trashman: I, for one, would love it if I walked into a messy home.]

He stormed up the stairs until he noticed the blood trail leading strait into the kicked in door of his office. He hesitantly walked into the room finding the duo's body.

[Servo: They had morphed into a grotesque monster that was part-raccoon, part-blue jay, and part-Slim Jim.]

He fell to the ground in shock emptying the contents of his stomach on the ground. Skips and muscleman walked in the room only to gasp at the site warning pops not to look.

[Kiryu: They knew how excited Pops gets around corpses.]

The police were called and it was ruled a murder suicide but the medical examiners could never find a logical explanation for the bullets lodged deep inside rigby's body that lacked entry wounds.

[The Trashman: It's simple. He ate them.]
[H.A.Y.E.S: That’s what I was thinking! Say, we’d make a pretty good buddy cop team, don’t you think?]

[Servo: Man, Pet Sematary Two is way worse than I remember…]




“Experiment complete,” the computer states.

“Recalibrating subjects.”

1

2


3.”


Dr. Goodlover sits across from Pearl. He has sweat through his uniform and constantly is patting away sweat that accumulates on his forehead. “I don’t know how this happened. They seemed even more optimistic when they came out than when they want in.” He thinks. “It doesn’t make sense.”

“It makes sense, Doctor, but once again, it seems you don’t understand,” Pearl calmly states.

Dr. Goodlover is taken aback. “What do you mean?”

“You’ve gone soft. That sinister façade of yours disguises a man who deep down feels compassion for his test subjects. You can call that humanity if you like, but my people call that weakness.”

“Today was an anomaly, Chancellor!” Dr. Goodlover pleads. “Believe me, I hate that robotic nincompoop more than anything in this whole universe.”

“Spare me your empty words. Your time has run out,” Pearl presses a button on her desk.

Dr. Goodlover expects his seat to drop out from under him and for him to slide into a furnace, but is relieved to see that it only opened the office doors.

However, what Goodlover sees causes his jaw to drop. It’s Bob, only it’s not. The boyish features have matured. His sluggish form has transformed into that of a Herculean athlete. The couch potato outfit he always wore has been swapped out for an Alien outfit, minus the breathing apparatus. This…this can’t be Bob.

“Doctor, I would like you to meet your new boss,” Pearl announces. “Doctor Cadaver.”

Bob steps forward and stares down at Goodlover with scorn. His Bostonian accent is undetectable under his deep, gravelly voice, “The doctor is in.”

S3E5: My Immortal [Part I]

Posted: Sat Aug 04, 2018 3:07 pm
by Kubo
TURN DOWN YOUR LIGHTS
(where applicable)


In the slightly-more-distant future
Next Monday, A.D.
There was a guy named Tom,
Not too different from you or me.
He worked on a satellite up in space,
(du-nu-nu-nu-nu-du-something—mace)
He did a good job riffing fanfics,
But something must’ve happened
And he crashed back down to earth.

I’ll send him cheesy stories,
The worst on the web (la-la-la)
He’ll have to sit and read them all,
And I’ll monitor his mind (la-la-la).
Now keep in mind Tom can’t control,
Where the stories are coming from (la-la-la)
He’ll try to keep his sanity,
With the help of his co-star friends!

Co-Star Roll Call:
Kiryu! (That’s me.)
Mystic (I’m psychic!)
Trashman (TRAAAAASH)
Haaaaayes! (Wait, I’m on again?!)

If you’re wondering how he eats and breathes,
And other things like that (la-la-la)
Then maybe you should read the story,
Instead of this silly song,
It’s Mystery Fiction Readers 3000!

Theme based upon parody lyrics by Ultraman Goji.


The cold melancholy of the cell is broken in the middle of the night by a knock at the door.

Kiryu stirs. “Whaa—“

Knock, knock.

“Uh...” he rubs the sleep from his eyes. “Come in, I guess?”

The cell door opens. It’s not an alien that greets them. It’s…

“Dr. Goodlover?!”

Kiryu’s exclamation wakes everyone. Dr. Goodlover shuts the door behind him and steps into the middle of the cell—at the foot of the trash mountain, which he does his best to overlook. Something is bothering him.

“Well, well, well,” Tom says. “Looks like you’re one of us now, huh?”

“One of us! One of us!” H.A.Y.E.S. chants. The Trashman joins in. “One of us! One of us!

“Would you two cut that out?” Dr. Goodlover snaps.

They go silent.

“I’d rather be dead than a guinea pig like you four. Where’s the weird one?”

“The Mystic One?” the Trashman responds.

“Yeah, yeah, the weird one. Same difference.”

“We think the Aliens took ‘em,” Kiryu says.

Dr. Goodlover nods. “Then there really isn’t much time.”

“What are you talking about?” Tom asks.

“You see, I’ve been kicked off my own project,” Dr. Goodlover begins. The Trashman and H.A.Y.E.S. high-five at the news, which gets under the doctor’s skin. “Celebrate while you can. It’ll only get worse from here.” He dramatically takes off his round glasses before continuing. “The Aliens did something to Bob. I don’t know what happened, but he’s not the same boy any of you remember. And he’s calling himself…Doctor Cadaver. I have no idea how he came up with such an idiotic name, but that’s beside the point. He’s a complete sadist. There’s not an ounce of empathy left in him.”

“Sound familiar?” Tom taunts.

“Dammit, Tom, this isn’t the time for jokes!” Dr. Goodlover’s deathly serious stare gets all of their attention. “The experiment he’s going to run today, it will kill you. That’s all he wants. This isn’t about control anymore, it’s about genocide by means of terrible fan fiction! I want to help you all.”

“How?” Tom asks.

“Go along with Bob—Dr. Cadaver’s experiment today—and I’ll handle the rest. I’ll get you out of this place. I’ve gotten all the results I need. You’ve all done your job well. You don’t deserve the kind of punishment Dr. Cadaver has in mind.”

“You’re serious?”

Dr. Goodlover nods.

The prisoners take it in. The mad doctor showing…compassion?

“I have to leave now. Be safe,” Dr. Goodlover says as he starts for the door.

“Doctor!” H.A.Y.E.S. calls.

He turns back to the robot he normally despises.

“Thanks.”

Dr. Goodlover smiles appreciatively and leaves. The door starts to swing shut when a hand stops and pulls it back open. Elvis steps into the room.

“It is time,” he states.




Dr. Cadaver is everything Dr. Goodlover is not. Tall. Handsome. A full head of hair. Most likely an actual good lover. He stands next to Chancellor Pearl like a loyal dog with a fiendish smile on his face.

“Welcome to hell,” Dr. Cadaver proclaims. He walks around the desk to get a closer look at his subjects. He’s a whole head taller than Kiryu and has to get down on one knee to look the Trashman in the eyes.

“There won’t be any pizza parties or easy stories under my command of this operation,” Dr. Cadaver states. “You will work until you are broken. And when you break, you will still continue reading until I say you’ve had enough.”

Tom fires back, “We can handle anything you—“

Dr. Cadaver only has to look at Tom for the rest of the sentence to get caught in his throat. Cadaver smiles. “I look forward to seeing you try, Tommy boy.”

“Love that movie,” H.A.Y.E.S. quietly remarks.

Dr. Cadaver walks over to the Study door. He presses a red button that opens the outer circular door. “Let’s not stand around on ceremony any longer. In!”

The four prisoners obey the doctor’s harsh command. The door shuts behind them.

“Dr. Cadaver’s Theater of Terror ready for operation,” a computer voice declares. It’s noticeably more masculine than the one that Dr. Goodlover had installed. And the way it says Dr. Cadaver’s name has an almost sensual quality to it.

“How would you like the corpses after the experiment is complete, Dr. Cadaver?” No doubt this time. Definitely sensual.

“I’ll handle them myself today, thank you.” Dr. Cadaver turns to Pearl. “I can make it so the Theater deep fries the subjects after the experiment has killed them.”

Pearl smiles faintly. Mildly amusing.

A cold fluorescent light illuminates the Study. The homely amenities of the old Study have been cast out in favor of minimalist chairs and a table, on which there’s a pitcher of warm water and three plastic cups that each have a hole on the bottom.

“Preparing the ‘Death’ experiment.”

3

2


1.”





EXPERIMENT X
My Immortal: Part I


Chapter 1.

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling.

[The Trashman: Try finding someone who is better at it.]

U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

[H.A.Y.E.S: ... no.]

[Kiryu: Like, OMG, I think dis story’s gonna, like, totally suck, lol! XDDD]

[Servo: You can stop reading now. No one would blame you.]

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way

[Servo: Her parents gave her the middle name “Dementia” because they really wanted to forget they had her.]

…and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!).

[Servo: If only the mads would let us!]

[[I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major skreeonking hottie.

[Kiryu: Is she implying that she’s into incest?]

I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen).
I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts.

[Servo: The police told me I can’t solicit on private property, whatever that means.]

It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about.

[Kiryu: The risk of hypothermia and pneumonia was well worth it.]

A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

[The Trashman: Reminds me of a time in high school when I bathed in kitty litter.]

[H.A.Y.E.S: No.]

“Hey Ebony!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!

[H.A.Y.E.S: No!]

“What’s up Draco?” I asked.

[Kiryu: “Ew, a Mary Sue!”]

[H.A.Y.E.S: NO!]

“Nothing.” he said shyly.

[The Trashman: Ron Howard: It wasn't nothing.]

[H.A.Y.E.S: I told you people I had a breaking point, and this is it!]

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

[H.A.Y.E.S: Guys, I'm making a run for it AND NONE OF YOU CAN STOP ME.]

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!

[Servo: It stinks!]

[The Trashman: It's a dumpster fire! I love it!]

[Kiryu: You might think ‘fangz’ is just a misspelling of ‘fans’, but she’s actually questioning her own fangs if they think this story’s good.]




Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!

[Kiryu:“And do you kno da wae?”]

[The Trashman: I don't think she understands that preps and this story are natural enemies.]

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[Servo: If you spotted it, you’re already dead.]

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again.

I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had.

[The Trashman: Kool-Aid is going all out with their new drink.]

My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends.

[Kiryu: Even her coffin’s a bad OC.]

I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!)…

[Servo: Raven slinks down further in her seat, praying that people wouldn’t notice her in the audience.]

…woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

“OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!” she said excitedly.

[Kiryu: “Like, I can’t believe you would totally talk to a non-vampire freak like him, OMG!”]

“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.

“Do you like Draco?” she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

“No I so skreeonking don’t!” I shouted.

[The Trashman: He's too clean for my tastes.]

[H.A.Y.E.S: ... okay, I was stopped, but not by you guys! So technically I was right. Where's my forty bucks? I'm pretty sure there was a dare.]

“Yeah right!” she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

“Hi.” he said.

[Servo: Draco holds a wooden stake behind his back, waiting for the perfect moment to strike.]

“Hi.” I replied flirtily.

[H.A.Y.E.S: Well, that was a quick turn of- okay, no, seriously, guys. Elvis threatened to restrict my rations to quesadillas! He knew those were my greatest fear! Who told him??]

“Guess what.” he said.

“What?” I asked.

[Everyone: “Chicken butt.”]

“Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade.” he told me.

“Oh. My. skreeonking. God!” I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. “Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.

[H.A.Y.E.S: I too love Melting Cabbage Racers.]

I gasped. 

[Servo: Oh God, she forgot her inhaler in her coffin!]




Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don’t own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.

[Servo: But that won’t stop you, will it?]

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On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky.

[Kiryu: Now why doesn’t she put this much effort into everything else in this story?]

I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists.

[The Trashman: That came out of nowhere.]

[Servo: Normalizing self-harm! YEAH!]

I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC.

[Kiryu: Stop it. Get some help.]

I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

[Servo: I guess we’re just going to gloss right over how she might’ve acquired said human’s blood? Is somebody going to do something before she kills more students?]

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

[H.A.Y.E.S: What language was that?]

[Kiryu: Is she just incapable of talking like a normal human when not writing shitty fanfics?]

“Hi Draco!” I said in a depressed voice.

[H.A.Y.E.S: "Hello, Draco, my love!" I droned, voice absolutely dripping with apathy.]

[The Trashman: "I'm so depressed because I get to go to a fun concert with my crush. I hate being happy.]

“Hi Ebony.” he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert.

[Kiryu: The writer’s quite addicted to the edge.]

On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.

[Servo: Ibuprofen, Claritin D. You name it]

When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

“You come in cold, you're covered in blood They're all so happy you've arrived The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom She sets you free into this life.” sang Joel (I don’t own da lyrics 2 dat song).

“Joel is so skreeonking hot.” I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

[Servo: I know, right?]

[H.A.Y.E.S: "It's probably because you set him on fire with the flames flying from your fingertip."]

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

[H.A.Y.E.S: ... to the edge of a cliff as the whole concert plunged into a chasm. LETGOLETGOLETGO]

“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said.

[The Trashman: It's exactly what I said to a pile of garbage when I said I loved my son.]

“Really?” asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

[Kiryu: “I wish he would stop grabbing my butt, though.”]

“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Joel and he’s going out with Hilary skreeonking Duff. I skreeonking hate that little skreeonk.” I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.

[Kiryu: “Her ugly, blonde, alluring, well-shaped, cheerful - wait, what was I talking about?”]

[H.A.Y.E.S: True beauty is drenched in black makeup and romanticized self-harm!]

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn’t go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into……………………… the Forbidden Forest!

[The Trashman: Little did they know that's where Logan Paul lurked.]

[H.A.Y.E.S: That better not be a euphemism for the backdoor.]




Chapter 4.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony’s name is ENOBY nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

[Kiryu: “My OC’s not a Mary Sue because I said so!”]

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“DRACO!” I shouted. “What the skreeonk do you think you are doing?”

[H.A.Y.E.S: Oh God, it is a euphemism for the backdoor!]

Draco didn’t answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

“What the skreeonking hell?” I asked angrily.

“Ebony?” he asked.

“What?” I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.

[H.A.Y.E.S: "Just like how Mom used to glare at me. Well, I think anyway. She threw me down quite a few stairs and not everything climbed back up, you know what I mean?"]

And then…………… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

[Servo: He put his completed homework in your math folder? You really need to be clear.]

[The Trashman: And this is why we still need sex ed in school.]

“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm.

[Servo: “YES! YES! STRAIGHT A’S IN PRE-CALC!”]

We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

[Kiryu: “I spontaneously combusted and burned us both to death.”]

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”

It was…………………………………………………….Dumbledore!  

[H.A.Y.E.S: More like- uh.... D... Dumble... snore? Look, I think I've lost most of my brain cells to this thing, so cut me some slack!]




Chapter 5.

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx!

[Servo: Really gives Headmaster a new meaning, doesn’t he?]

PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!

[H.A.Y.E.S: I will kill the next five people who try to leave positive reviews.]

[Kiryu: So instead of accepting constructive criticism, she assumes all negative reviews are insults and comes up with dumbass excuses to explain the characters being out of character. Truly an inspiration for us all.]

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Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

“You ludacris fools!” he shouted.

[H.A.Y.E.S: A world so ludacris, they can't spell, "ludicrous."]

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face.

[The Trashman: Kool-Aid's new drink will do that to you.]

Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.

[Servo: Dumbledore caught them sharing answers on their homework too.]

“They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!” he yelled in a furious voice.

“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Professor McGonagall.

[H.A.Y.E.S: "Ron and Hermione were found doinking in far more places by this point, you're mediocre at this!"]

“How dare you?” demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HER!”

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. “Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms.”

[Kiryu: “We’ll be joining you shortly.”]

[The Trashman: Who would have thought that was the way to get out trouble for having sex in "public”.]

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

[H.A.Y.E.S: Maybe you should have put your clothes back on first.]

“Are you okay, Ebony?” Draco asked me gently.

“Yeah I guess.” I lied. I went to the girl’s dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out….

[Kiryu: “Snape was laying on my coffin wearing nothing but a speedo.”]

[H.A.Y.E.S: You came out? Poor Draco must be heartbroken. Hey, good new for Willow though!]

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing ‘I just wanna live’ by Good Charlotte.

[Servo: I just wanna die. Please.]

I was so flattered, even though he wasn’t supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.




Chapter 6.

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!

[H.A.Y.E.S: NEVER.]

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The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black.

[The Trashman: She's certainly a fan of Hydra.]

I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple.

[H.A.Y.E.S: Spray paint?? Uh, that doesn't sound healthy.]

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.

[The Trashman: Ebony: I never been more turned on in my life.]

“Bastard!” I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it.

[Kiryu: Oh boy.]

He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn’t have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco’s and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I’m a girl so I didn’t get one you sicko.

“I’m so sorry.” he said in a shy voice.

[H.A.Y.E.S: "But can you put your erection away? It's getting dangerously close to putting out my eye."]

“That’s all right. What’s your name?” I questioned.

[The Trashman: OOC.]

[Kiryu: “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”]

“My name’s Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days.” he grumbled.

[Servo: Harry Potter, the boy who let us all down.]

“Why?” I exclaimed.

“Because I love the taste of human blood.” he giggled.

[Kiryu: Why is he not in jail?]

“Well, I am a vampire.” I confessed.

“Really?” he whimpered.

[Servo: Why’d he whimper?]

“Yeah.” I roared.

[H.A.Y.E.S: Every window in the place shattered.]

[Servo: Why’d she roar? Does she have volume control issues? What the hell’s going on?]

[The Trashman: Forgive her. Her mother was an ogre.]

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.




Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life

[Kiryu: I’d reference the song, but that’d be too obvious.]

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons!

[Servo: That’s not a bad idea. I should implement that with my stories. Y’all better start reading more Mystery Fiction Readers 3000 or I’m pulling the plug!]

STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn’t a Marie Sue ok she isn’t perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!

[Kiryu: I said she’s not a Mary Sue, so she’s not! God!]

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Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?).

[Servo: No, it’s just stupid.]

I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…………

[H.A.Y.E.S: You co-opted another serious, real-life issue to try and deflect legitimate criticisms of your writing??]

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy’s thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)

[H.A.Y.E.S: Yes.]

[The Trashman: Very. Needs to be more raunchy.]

“Oh Draco, Draco!” I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco’s arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words………… Vampire!

I was so angry.

[Servo: “A henna tattoo? Really? You couldn’t commit to the real thing?”]

“You bastard!” I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

[Kiryu: “Only to land headfirst on the floor and break my neck.]

“No! No! But you don’t understand!” Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.

“No, you skreeonking idiot!” I shouted. “You probably have AIDs anyway!”

[H.A.Y.E.S: Jesus Christ, I was kidding about co-opting another actual issue, STOP]

[Servo: Ronald Reagan with a decisive blow from beyond the grave.]

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire’s classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.

[Kiryu: “I’m not gonna describe who those people are, cause that just wastes too much time, unlike describing every piece of clothing I’m wearing.”]

“VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU motherskreeonker!” I yelled.

[The Trashman: Plot Twist: Vampire is her father.]




Tom knocks on the inner Study door. The experiment is over, right? Why hasn’t the door opened yet?

“Hey! Doctor, I think the door is malfunctioning!”

“We can’t get out?” the Trashman asks. His trash pile can’t be left unattended to! What if someone cleaned it up?

“Doctor Cadaver, open up!” Tom bangs on the door again.

A distant voice answers. “There is no malfunction, Tommy boy. No malfunction at all. The door is working exactly as it’s supposed to. You’re wasting your energy pounding on it like that.”

Tom backs away from the door, the realization setting in. “My god…”

“We could really use Dr. Bald Guy’s help right now,” H.A.Y.E.S says. Then, after a second, “My god, I actually just said that.”

To Be Continued…