TURN DOWN YOUR LIGHTS
(where applicable)
In the slightly-more-distant future
Next Monday, A.D.
There was a guy named Tom,
Not too different from you or me.
He worked on a satellite up in space,
(du-nu-nu-nu-nu-du-something—trace)
He did a good job riffing fanfics,
But something must’ve happened
And he crashed back down to earth.
I’ll send him cheesy stories,
The worst on the web (la-la-la)
He’ll have to sit and read them all,
And I’ll monitor his mind (la-la-la).
Now keep in mind Tom can’t control,
Where the stories are coming from (la-la-la)
He’ll try to keep his sanity,
With the help of his co-star friends!
Co-Star Roll Call:
Kiryu! (That’s me.)
Mystic! (I’m psychic!)
Trashman! (TRAAAAASH)
Haaaaayes! (Wait, I’m on again?!)
If you’re wondering how he eats and breathes,
And other things like that (la-la-la)
Then maybe you should read the story,
Instead of this silly song,
It’s Mystery Fiction Readers 3000!
Theme based upon parody lyrics by Ultraman Goji.
Dr. Goodlover bends down to examine the contents of the mini-fridge in Pearl’s office. Some Alien wine, two bananas, and three Tupperware containers of pizza. Goodlover frowns.
“How the hell do we still have pizza from last week?”
“You said you were okay with leftovers,” Pearl answers with the same calmness as always.
“Yeah, but I mean,” Dr. Goodlover holds the fridge door opens and motions inside, “look at all that.”
“It’s a lot,” Pearl acknowledges.
“It is.” Dr. Goodlover runs a hand over his bald head. “I eat pizza twice a day for a whole week and there’s still more in there.”
“Order less next time.”
“Oh, trust me, I will.” Dr. Goodlover shuts the fridge. His stomach grumbles angrily, but he ignores it. Something else is bugging him. “Where’s Bob?”
“I sent him out to complete an errand for me,” Pearl replies.
Dr. Goodlover walks to Pearl’s desk and leans across it. “You gave
Bob a job?”
“You take issue with my decision-making.”
“This is the one time I must, Chancellor. You can’t seriously give him a task and expect it to get done in a timely manner.”
Pearl smirks at Goodlover. “Can’t I?”
“I told Bob to empty the trash once at the Institute. Just the garbage can in the employee bathroom. You know what he did?” Goodlover doesn’t get a response from Pearl, so he continues. “He dumped it into the toilet. We had to call a plumber to fix it.”
“Answer me this, doctor. Have you ever been supportive of Bob?”
“I pay him a living wage for his, let’s be generous here,
work.”
“That is not the support I am talking about.”
“Bob was on an intramural soccer team for a bit. I drove him there and picked him up afterwards.”
“You didn’t stay for the game?”
Goodlover’s trying to understand what Pearl’s getting at. He answers slowly, “…No.”
“Then you’ve never truly been supportive of Bob.”
Quicker. “No.”
Pearl stands up. She towers over Goodlover, who takes a step back from the desk. “Then you don’t know the potential the boy has. Perhaps if you were a more caring guardian you would’ve recognized it and groomed him properly. As is, you’ve left that responsibility up to me.”
Dr. Goodlover regains his wits enough to fire back a snarky, “Yeah, well, good luck with that.”
The office doors open. The five prisoners enter with Elvis and another Alien guard behind them. Pearl sits and stares.
Dr. Goodlover smiles at his test subjects. “Welcome back. You’re going to thank me this week.”
“You got pizza again?” H.A.Y.E.S. asks.
The word makes Goodlover gag. “No.”
“I still can’t believe you guys had a pizza party,” the Mystic One quietly remarks to Kiryu.
“Do you have trash for us?” the Trashman asks. Even from across the room, Goodlover can smell his rancid breath.
“In a manner of speaking, yes.”
Tom cuts right to the chase. “What’s it about this week, Doc?”
“Well, it’s about Batman.”
“Okay…”
“And
Jurassic Park.”
“Interesting artistic choice,” Kiryu notes.
“And
Frozen.”
“Oh?”
“And Barbie and Ken.”
“So this story is a completely unfocused mess then?” Tom asks before Dr. Goodlover can go on.
“Yes.” The mad scientist smiles. “In you go!”
The five prisoners are moved into the Study.
“Initiating Experiment C,” a computer voice states.
“Prepare for data transmission.”
A blue light illuminates the room.
“Data received. Beginning Experiment C in
3
2
1.”
EXPERIMENT C
What if Batman is Dilophosaurus man?
Good morning folks!
[Kiryu: It is anything but a good morning.]
This your favorite Earth 1945's reporter, Vicki Ryder. For the ones who doesn't know me YET, you may better know my dad Vic Vale or/and my fabulous mommy Jack Ryder. Today we're gonna follow the best cretaceous knight of all time, who save normal people and me from every danger, Dilophosaurus man!
[Kiryu: AKA someone’s shitty poorly drawn OC from Deviantart.]
[Mystic: No, the best cretaceous knight is Raptorman. Get it right.]
Nessie's cousin, cloning, radioactive Dilophosaurus's bite? No one has plausible explications of his origins. Fortunately for you my dear audience, thanks to a call from a witness who we don't say the name but who is called Alfred …
[Servo: “I mean, not Batman’s butler, I mean, not Bruce Wayne’s butler, I mean SHIT!”]
… and pictures, we succeed to create a conjectural day of Dilophosaurus man which may can help you fan and others stalkers to meet your scaled savior.
[H.A.Y.E.S: Raptor Jesus is my only scaled savior.]
[Mystic: Must be a slow news week in World War 2 if this is the kind of story you're running, Vicki.]
-Disclaimer: I do not own Dc comics Batman, Jurassic Park, their characters, Rihanna's songs, Barbie and Ken, Frozen
[The Trashman: You don't?! I thought this cinematic universe was the real deal!]
(It makes sense in context).
[H.A.Y.E.S: I doubt that.]
-Huh, Vicki why did you say that?
[Servo: God, she’s hearing the “voices” again.]
-Then, let's start this:
-6+22am Teeth brushing
Alfred: So what we have today… Magpie, Condiment King, Killer Moth. Scratch and eat three villain in a night, are you on a diet Master Bruce?
[Mystic: "I must insist you attempt to cannibalize Poison Ivy as well, your greens are just as important Master Bruce"]
-07:27am Preparation of the day
[H.A.Y.E.S: Nothing can prepare us for this.]
[Kiryu: At least now you’re using the colon when reporting time.]
Robin: Selina Kyle is takin' a shower, Harley slowly eat bananas and Poison ivy wearing Fall shoes while we're in Spring. What we doing first, Bruce?
D-man: Well, why you doesn't remove this titanium wall between us, first?
Robin: Hum, are you going to harm me?
[The Trashman: Yes. Violently.]
D-man: Nooo, I'm so hungry that I would probably eat you in one bite
[Mystic: D-man rolled a Natural 20 on Persuasion, I see.]
Robin:*removing the titanium wall* Oh, I'm at ease that… What!?
-9:28am Fancy driving in West Gotham
[H.A.Y.E.S: Fancy driving? Are the tires top hats or something?]
Robin: *In Dilophosaurus man's belly* I don't like it at all. Make me out!
[Servo: Ah yeah, this is my fetish.]
D-man: You don't like the dilocycle, you don't like my stomach. It would be good to make a choice now!
[Mystic: "Nag nag nag! Next you'll tell me that you're
digesting too slowly!"]
Gordon: *In a Gcpd car* D-man, I arrest you for speeding ticket.
[Servo: Hang on Gordon! You haven’t even caught the guy yet!]
D-man: *Brake with him* Gordon, you forgot my phone number again?
Gordon: Yeah, the Joker replace it with a nursing home one. *The rear of Gordon's car is smashed by another car*
[H.A.Y.E.S: First hedgehog pornography, now car pornography? Even I have limits, people!]
Bullock: Sorry, Montoya was driving. Women you know… *Laugh*
[The Trashman: He's from another time.]
Montoya: YOU were driving.
Bullock: *Anxious* Yeah, was me.
Montoya: Side change, Bullock? I can give you some of my skirts if you want.
D-man: Why you bring them with you?
Gordon: Well…
Montoya: Gordon, you're arrested for sabotages of the sky traffic. *Handcuffs him*
D-man: I told you that this dilo-signal was a terrible idea.
[Mystic: "In hindsight, perhaps having a giant spotlight in the middle of World War 2 isn't the best idea..."]
*Man bat fall on Gordon's car*
[Kiryu: What is happening?? My mind is full of frick right now!]
-10:0am and 21s Last training before a dog contest
[Servo: Ah, my favorite Batman comic storyline. You’ve got The Dark Knight Returns, The Killing Joke, then *boom* Dog Contest.]
Ivy: *Give a carrot to a hypnotized Dilophosaurus man* Yeah, jump higher and I will be certain to winning!
[H.A.Y.E.S: There are a large number of things wrong with the above. Let's play a game! Everyone guess how many! I count twenty-seven.]
Robin: Huh, Ivy I like your performance and your wig but what's the link with the nature?
Ivy: Oh, I need the bucks of the reward for Ariana Grande's concert, she's vegan you know?
Robin: It wouldn't be smarter and easier to using your meta-human power to enter?
[Kiryu: What the hell kind of dog contest permits metahumans?]
[H.A.Y.E.S: I don't think anyone in this story is qualified to give advice on how to be smarter.]
Ivy: Hehe, but you forgot something…
Robin: And whaAhhhhhhh! *Being attacked by Dilophosaurus man*
Ivy: Nobody mess with Poison Ivy's wig! This and the nature of course.
Robin: Dragged by a drag what's iroAhhh! Stop!
Ivy: Clever girl.
[The Trashman:
Jurassic Park called and it wants its line back.]
D-man: I'm a man!
[Mystic: "Not anymore you're not."]
-12:1 quarter to…
[Servo: Seeeeet! Hike!]
…Deep and cold philosophy in a fridge store
D-man: *Has just create a hole thanks to his bites in Mister Freeze's chest* See Freeze, you doesn't have any heart.
Freeze: Yeah, but this is the right side…
[Mystic: D-man isn't very good at basic anatomy. Comes with the territory.]
[Kiryu: ...Why does that make a difference?? Why is D-man biting a hole in Freeze’s chest to show he has no heart?? How is Freeze even alive?? Where are these two supposed to be?? EXPLAIN THIS BULLSHIT!!!]
-1:40pm
[Servo: Hang on, go back! I don’t even know what was happening at 12:1!]
"NO WAY I came here, NOOO!" Riddles at Gotham's random building
Riddler: Sooo… D-man ready for a bunch and a bunch of wonderful riddles?
[H.A.Y.E.S: "Yes, but only for the first bunch."]
D-man: NO!
[Mystic: That's basically how I reacted when I saw how many Riddles were in Arkham Knight...]
Riddler: You doesn't have the choice!
D-man: Okay, okay at least it's not mathematics…
Riddler: So I'm sure that you notices all the easter eggs in this masterpiece of literature from Ecaille13?
D-man: No.
[Kiryu: Yeah me neither.]
Riddler: Just listening! Well, your little brain would know that all of your adventure today have an easter egg written on it.
[H.A.Y.E.S: "Dilophosaurus Man has a brain about this size. He is sheer brute force, while Gorilla Grodd is a thinking animal. His brain is considerably larger, about ten times the size of this gorilla skull."]
D-man: You have of lot of time to waste.
[The Trashman: And so do our overlords.]
Riddler: Speaking of that, I hope that you have the time, time, time…*say a great many time "time"*
[Kiryu: Riddler.exe has stopped working.]
D-man: I understand…
Riddler: Tttiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmeeeeeeee!
D-man: OKAY! There's a clue with the TIME!
[Servo: D-man looks at the clock and sees the hands are pointing at 6 and 9. It’s then that D-man feels the Riddler’s gloved hand caress his face.]
Riddler: You see when you want! So, at least that you doesn't find all the easter eggs I doesn't allow you to defeat me! Hahaha! *Take spitting poison in his eyes*
D-man: See ya.
[Mystic: Oh does this mean we can leave? *Walks over and runs into the door.*]
2:39mp Child play at Krank co. Toys factory
Wesker: Hey, I was the first, dimdo
[H.A.Y.E.S: Dimdo was never as famous as his cousin Dumbo.]
Peyton: He's mine now, old man!
[Mystic: "Ade due Damballa. Give the power, I BEG OF YOU!"]
Belzer: Retire before I eat your brains, Ken and Barbie
Peyton: Put some makeup on before, Sadako!
[The Trashman: At least the references aren't as painful as
Ready Player One.]
Scarface: Someone help me!
[Servo: “I’ve lost track of the narrative!”]
D-man: Leave the puppet alone, you very… bizarre… people!
[Kiryu: Nice insult.]
Scarface: Thanks… *Has maggots in his cracked forehead, lacks the left eye with the hole's full of mascara and rotten eggs, pink-painted lips drilled by nails and finally wears a unicorn's horn, fairy's wings and a tutu*
[Mystic: Meh. I've seen worse. *side-eyes the Trashman*]
D-man: Ahhhh! *Run away*
Wesker: Well, that's wasn't expected…
Peyton: Who's up for nail polish?!
Belzer: Sleazy and gray for me!
[Kiryu: And then they drank the nail polish and died.]
-3:40pm InGeN, sorry Ace Chemicals fighting
[H.A.Y.E.S: Ace! Chemicals! Stop fighting!]
Bane: *Will breaks D-man's back* Ah! Want a battle with the top of the food chain, D-man? Take that! *Give a big kick against D-man's back*
D-man: Argghhh! Buuurppp! *Puking a lot of poison on Bane shoes*
[Mystic: That's just unsanitary.]
Bane: No, that's copperhead skin! *skids due to the poison puddle and fall in a tank*. My eyes! The glasses do nothing!
[Kiryu: When you see things you never should see on the Internet.]
Joker: *Broom the ground* Tss! Tss! D-man, this is déjà vu!
[Servo: Is it though? Is it really?]
Creeper: *Sneak his arm around him* I understand your pain, buddy.
[The Trashman: Seduction 101.]
Joker: Don't dare to touch me!
Creeper: As you want! But Harley found this cute that we're kissing
Joker: Harley found what?!
Harley: Say cheese! *Takes pictures of: Creeper kissing Joker's forehead, D-man and Bane's nose kissing, herself kissing Joker's ear and D-man and Joker kiss on the "censored"* I will earn a ton of bucks!
[Servo: The story is censoring itself for me this week!]
Ivy: Harley! You forget me!
Harley: Ah, don't worry, red! I have a larger piece of filmstrip just for us! *naughty look*
[Kiryu: Believe me, Tumblr would be all over that shit.]
[Mystic: "I hope you like
vacation photos..."]
Ivy: Clever girl *gesture a kiss with her hand*
[Servo: You already used that line! How about “Shoot her!”, or “Life finds a way”, or, better yet, “That is one big pile of shit”?]
-4:9pm Dinette at Gotham's library
[H.A.Y.E.S: Dinette? That can be IT'S AN ACTUAL WORD? I am furious this story, THIS story, taught me something.]
Mad Hatter: Oh, a visitor do you want some tea and sweets? Cause today is, a very happy unbirthd…
D-man: That's my birthday, today
Mad hatter: Killjoy.
-05:01pm Dating in the sewers
[Kiryu: How lewd.]
[Servo: I’m glad that previous scene exists.]
Killer croc: *With a bunch of flowers* Oh, why can't you commit? Don't be afraid of how you feel!
D-man: *Run away* For the second time, I'm a man!
[Servo: It’s not that he’s opposed to dating a crocodile/human hybrid. D-man’s just super homophobic.]
[The Trashman: Linkara is now sending a cease and desist.]
-6&30pm Ostrich hiding at the Iceberg Lounge
Robin: D-man you sure this is a good idea?
D-man: Don't worry, you just have to hold their attention a little bit and during this I'll hiding between Penguin's umbrellas.
Robin: Okay, but why you spray at me Horseradish sauce?
D-man: Better not to notice you and taste.
Robin: Hmph… Just do it.
[H.A.Y.E.S: "Eat me. Engulf me with your warm, wet esophagus and give me release! Sweet, writhing release! You won't even taste it over the horseradish!]
Same hour:58pm Bird flippin' at the I.L's secret room
Thug: Boss are you alright?
Penguin: No! All of you has forgot that today is a special day for me.
[Kiryu: “Today’s the day I lay my eggs!”]
Thug: Oh yeah, I remember… Kind of birthday?
Penguin: Yesss! And who's birthday?
Thug: Uhhh… Ah! Joker and you partner's birthday!
[Mystic: "Wait. No. It was Crocs birthday!...No? Riddlers? Mad Hatter's? Condiment King's? OH! I know! Captain Cold!"
"THAT LAST ONE ISN'T EVEN BATMAN."]
Penguin: That's myyy, mine birthday! I will serve your rest to Tiny! Just let me take one of my umbrellas…*Took D-man disguised in an umbrella* Hey, this umbrella wasn't here before?
Thug: Yeah, that's a gift for you, boss! For your birthday!...*Singing with the others thugs* Because when the sun shines, we'll shine together. Told you I'd be here forever…*keeps annoying copyright*
[Servo: Oh, why stop now?]
[Mystic: *sniff, wiping eyes* ...Beautiful...]
Penguin: Where's we pressing on this stupid umbrella?! Ah, find it. *Press D-man's "bird"*
[Servo: Causing D-man to spray “horseradish sauce”
everywhere.]
[Kiryu: ♪A-well-a everybody's heard about the bird! B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word!♪]
D-man: *Surprised and hurl Robin on the ground*
Thugs: *anxious* Birthday cake!
Penguin: Four five seconds…
Thug: Before what?
Penguin: Four. Five. SECONDS!…
[Servo: “Boss, are you having a stroke?”]
-07:05pm Strange case in Gotham's court
D-man: Hey Two-face! I only need the half of me to ruin your face!
Two face: *placid* Haha, very funny.
-8-32pm Reverse role at Monarch Theater
[Kiryu: Is it really that hard to just use a colon for the time?]
Clayface(Karlo):*Speak aloud in a crowd of carton people* You really think that you can find me, D-man? I can be everywhere and everything!
[H.A.Y.E.S: You know, talking really ruins your disguise there, buddy.]
[The Trashman: You think you can be a good fic?]
D-man: Well, I've got this review of your movie "The Terror" from the "Bludhaven's wings"
Clayface: *Leave his Geisha Shiva costume* Give me that! *Read*
They said that my talent is like a teared Killer Frost's mustache which Firefly made the incubation, it is all warmed over… *Crying and kneeling* Whyyy! Why! Whyyyyy! Ahh! My tears, they make me melting! I'm melting, melting! What a world! Ohhh… *Rise from the melting muds* Did you like it?
D-man: Hmm… I almost missing Joker's puns.
-9:40pm Bitter punch lines at a comedy bar
[Servo: This story is the bitter punch line to my life.]
Joker: So what are you doing here D-man? Want to spiting?! Hahaha!
[Kiryu: “Would you saying that again, but in a proper sentence?”]
Harley: Good one boss!
Joker: Yeah! That's a card play and I'll RUFFing you!
[H.A.Y.E.S: Ruff as in referring to a collar or frill? I... that is well beyond the level of anything I expected from this story.]
[Mystic: *Not even paying attention.* "Keep going Puddin! You're knocking them dead!"]
Harley: Laughed out loud, Mr J!
[Servo: Stop encouraging him, Harley. Christ!]
Joker: Oh Quiny, I'm in a good way but I prefer to let my dame tease this teeth!
[Kiryu: ...What?]
Harley: Hihihi! You're so funny, puddin'! Well… Oh, I got one! Hey Dilophosaurus man, you're just a dildo phallus man! *wimp*
[Mystic: ...
]
Joker: *Death glare to Harley* Anyway… It's time to bring a smile on this boring face Dilly! *Use his laugh gas on Dilophosaurus man*
D-man: No! NoooahaAAHAHAHAHAAACHOOOOO! *Sneeze and spit poison on Joker's eyes*
Harley: *Look at Joker's face* Awww puddin'! It's looks like you have a domino mask, just like meee! That's so romantic!
Joker: Yay, my eyes burns for you…
[Mystic: I think the proper response is "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH MY EYES!!!!"]
-10:31pm Super scary Hydraulic power plant
Scarecrow: Gotham will drink the suffering of the fear, D-man! And you cannot beat me, you little lizard. It's time to you to face your own fears! *release terror gas on D-man*
Catwoman: Youhou, Bruuuuce! I lost my bras!
[H.A.Y.E.S: Why were you wearing more than one?]
D-man: What!? Cause you used to wearing bras?
[H.A.Y.E.S: WHY WERE YOU WEARING MORE THAN ONE?]
Catwoman: Come protect me Bruce, I'm so scared!
D-man: I come my kitty cat!
[Servo: Please don’t.]
Catwoman: Aw Bruce, I always know you want more than CHATting with me! Hahahaha! *Turn into the Joker in bride suit*
[H.A.Y.E.S: Bride... suit?]
D-man: Wow, that's dress really fit you Joker.
[H.A.Y.E.S: Wait, you called it a "bride suit" when you KNOW it's a dress?]
Joker: *romantic* Do what you have to do, fool.
D-man: *Kneeling* Joker do you want to marry me?
[Kiryu: Was he exposed to fear gas or an aphrodisiac?]
[Mystic: Scarecrow: "Are...are you two just going to ignore me? Not even...alright...Guess I'll DROWN THE CITY IN FEAR...unopposed..."]
Joker: I believe that you never asked me, especially my little bun in the oven *Show his pregnant stomach with a door on it*. Open it, honey…
[Servo: I’m sorry, are you asking him to perform a c-section right now?]
D-man: Okay even if it's strange *Open the door*
Harley Quinn: *As a chibi jack-in-the-box* Love is an open door, daddy!
D-man: *Wake up from his nightmare* Ahhh! You touch a heartstrings Scarecrow, I'll make you pay for this!
[The Trashman: How dare you stop my wet dream involving The Joker!]
-Clock King: A few moment later… Did I will really get payed for this?
Scarecrow: *panic* Please stop it, bring me back to Arkham but just stop it!
Robin: D-man what did you do to scared so much the Scarecrow?
D-man: That's simple, Scarecrow suffer from chiroptophobia, so I use the better thing to attract bats… The batusi! *Start to dance*
[Servo: Come on, everybody!
Dance!]
[Mystic: Personally I prefer the Charleston.]
Scarecrow: No! Stop it! *Jump from the top of Gotham's waterfall*
D-man: Well, this Halloween besotted get what's he wants.
Robin: What did you mean?
D-man: A long Fall!
Robin: *Jump from the top of Gotham's waterfall too*
[Mystic: Robin has the right idea. Does this place have a waterfall?]
12÷4pm …
[Servo: Twelve divided by four is 3:00pm! Ha! I can do basic math.]
Midnight
[Servo: Wait, what?!]
… at Ally's zoo and kiss slap at "Chez Michelle"
Robin: *On the phone* Bruce? You really think this is a good idea that I come here alone? I just say, you wouldn't find this boring to not fight with me?
D-man: Nah! In plus you asking me to having the Dilomobile for the weekend, so do this and I will be able to believe you. Hey mademoiselle! Huh, I mean I've got to go! Good luck! *rings off*
[Kiryu: D-man then proceeded to have a night of vore-related debauchery immediately afterwards.]
Robin: Okay… So where did I go, first?
?: Hey, Drake!
[The Trashman: Said Josh.]
Robin: Ah! A witch, please don't burn me in your oven!
[H.A.Y.E.S: Due a lifetime of bad luck in the kitchen, Robin doesn't understand the difference between cooking and burning.]
Babs: That's me Tim! Batgirl!
Robin: Yeah, I know it Babs! I want you to thought that I was in distress so you would take confidence!
[Kiryu: “I even wet myself to make it look legit!”]
Babs: No… Really?
[Mystic: "No you idiot! You scared the hell out of me!"]
Robin: Yeah, kind of… Can I say somethin' *Loud noise*
[Servo: Sorry, that was just me screaming into a pillow. Please, continue.]
Babs: Not now! We have to run to this, this is strange
[H.A.Y.E.S: Tell us about it.]
Robin: *Look at the sky* Please make that the noise comes from the bunny paddock!
[Kiryu: I have no clue what you just said, pal.]
Babs: Here, it comes from this freaky spooky scary dark bunny paddock
Robin: Great…
Clock king: Meanwhile at "Chez Michelle" 0:29 and 04 seconds
D-man: *As Bruce, at a restaurant table with a bib* Wow! Pinch me, I should dreaming!
[Mystic: Okay! *Enthusiastically holds up hand and makes a pinching motion* HGMMHMHNHHMHMMMMM]
Selina: Hm, flattering. Soo, what makes a wealthy dinosaur to invite a banal woman like me?
D-man: Banal?! If I could say anything about you I wouldn't saying banal! *Start to drink his glass of wine*
[Servo: Anything to help that lie go down easier.]
Selina: Ahah. If we order some amuse-gueule first?
[H.A.Y.E.S: Please stop teaching me vocabulary, I'm starting to feel dumber than this story and that is unacceptable.]
Alfred: *Costumed as a waiter* What did you desire, lady?
D-man: *Surprise to see him and spit his wine on Alfred's face*
[Kiryu: As well as his venom, blinding Alfred for life.]
Alfred: Red, lovely choice. So, can I suggest something like a caviar or foie gras?
[Servo: Uh, no thank you…do you have complimentary dinner rolls?]
Selina: That's nice but I would make my own choice. I would like a Ratcatcher with his Maxie Zeus Salad
[Mystic: "Ah, the "awful" choice. A wise decision ma'am."]
Alfred: And how would you like you Ratcatcher?
Selina: Bloody, with a dash of salt
[Mystic: You know, I think the term "Blood, sweat, and tears." wasn't supposed to be taken literally...]
D-man: *amaze* I… I would take the rest…
Alfred: Right! *Whispers to D-man's ear* Good choice, master Bruce
Selina: *Closing D-man's wide open mouth with her index* Easy, I don't bite. Well, not yet…
[Servo: Check, please.]
D-man: Bo a blum, uh, do a blugh eh ou a blaugh… Wow! *Makes Selina laugh*
[Kiryu: D-man finally went insane.]
Clock King: Meanwhile… Again
[Mystic: *Clock King checks his watch, then sighs in disappointment*]
Babs: Faster! They run away from us!
Robin: * In a zoo's buggy* Hey! Is that coach is enough for the princess?
Babs: Enough… Now, let me drive! *Push Robin and crazy driving*
Robin: Warning, you will hurt him! * The buggy hit the stranger*
Babs: Oops, sorry. Hey but I know him...
[Servo: Babs puts the buggy in reverse and runs the stranger over again.]
Jason: Hello Barbie! Happy to see me again?
Robabs: Ahhh! *Run away from him*
[H.A.Y.E.S: I just tried to run too, but security escorted me back in.]
Jason: You can run but no one can escape to the Robin of Gotham past!
Dick: Except the Robin of Gotham present!
Robin: Ahhh! Hey, Babs?
Babs: *dreamy* Hi, Dick. I miss you very much. That's new suit really fit you. You doing sport, nah?
Dick: Yeah, I miss you too, Babe. And even more you, lil'wing *Grin at Tim*
Robin: *Jealous and uncomfortable* Get out of here, right now! *Babs doesn't move, so he take her arm and literally drag her*
Babs: *Ecstatic* Aww! Nightwiiiinnnnnggggggg!
Damian: Watch out! Cause here is the Robin of Gotham yet to come!
[Mystic: *Loud terrified shrieking* BE GONE FROM THIS HOUSE! YOUR KIND IS NOT WELCOME HERE.]
Robabs: Aww! He is so cute
Damian: Grr! *Turn his face in a Beetlejuice coackroach kind*
[Servo: …why?]
Babs: Ahhhhh! Robin come, he is creepy!
Robin: Wait the others Robin give you a nickname, I would like to hear his.
Damian: Well, I think I call her B#!?s
[The Trashman: He's also from another time.]
Babs: *Bersek* How did you call me?! *Kick Damian in space*
[H.A.Y.E.S: "No, really, what? You said, "pound sign, exclamation mark, question mark, lowercase S" aloud. ]
Milo and the terrible trio: Hahahaha *Hiding*
Babs: Robin come with me in the bush *Take Robin to the bush*
[Kiryu: Uh, is he of legal age?]
Shark: Ah! Did you hear the bat babies?
Fox: Yeah! It was delightful, and all of this thanks to this dear Professor Milo who made this gas which create hallucinations! Haha! Just like Jonathan Crane but less expensive!
Shark: Toss toss *Fake coughing, because Fox's words shocks Milo*
Eagle: You're so awesome and hunky, honey Foxy *Hug him*
Fox: Eagle! I already told you that I'm not into that stuff!
Robin: Soon you would be in a jail, Fox!
[Kiryu: “McCloud!”]
Babs: What did you do Robin, they are more than us and with a lot of weapons!
Robin: Don't be anxious, your hero just played day and night a video game just like that!
Babs: *Sarcastic* Oh, we're saved…
Robin: Okay! When I use the flashlight on you, you will be defeat! *Turn on and turn off the light, repeatedly* Ah, Oh, Ah, Oh, Ah, Oh, Ah, Oh!
[Servo: Robin plays dirty by exploiting Milo’s severe epilepsy.]
Milo and the terrible trio: Grrr! *murderous look to Robin*
Robin: *nervous* Right, right! When the light doesn't work then use the door interrupter! *Push a random interrupter*
Babs: Robin, nooo! *We hearing animal roars* You just free the killer bunny from Langstrombannog!
[Mystic: Have no fear citizens, I shall protect you! *place hand on temple, and starts humming loudly*]
[H.A.Y.E.S: FINALLY A WORD THAT JUST ISNT REAL MY SELF WORTH RETURNS]
Milo and the terrible trio: *Terrified* Killer rabbits?!
[Kiryu: “Quick, get the Holy Hand Grenade!”]
Shark: Run away, guys!
[Servo: You don’t have legs. You’re a shark.]
Fox: *Running* It's probable that the rabbits will eat us so… Anyway! I love you eagle!
Eagle: *Jump in Fox's arms* Aw! My beast!
[Kiryu: “Now kiss me, you fool!”]
Babs: *Peaceful* And they happily ever after in Blackgate penitentiary. You can get out, Tim!
Robin: *Behind the buggy* I was checking if there wasn't any weapon in the buggy! To give 'em to you, of course! You know, I can beat those Rabbit of something everytime!
Babs: *Kiss Tim's cheek* Langstrombannog, Langstrombannog…
Robin: So, they doesn't exist at all?
[Servo: The trauma of finding out the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus don’t exist resurfaces.]
Babs: Of course not! Just a mix of audio sound and villain's silliness.
Robin: Yeah! And like I said you do all I was told to you to do in my plan! But, Milo and the trio they escape?
Babs: I don't think this, cause something told to me that a genius and charming heroine inform Gordon and the GCPD that they must be waiting around Ally's zoo, tonight.
[Mystic: Did you all get that?]
[Servo: Either I’m going insane, or this story’s gotten slightly more comprehensible as it’s gone on.]
Robin: Wow! You're tremendous. Like in my plan, of course! Aha…
Babs: *Walking to the exit with him* Tim, you want to say something to me, earlier?
Robin: Huh, yeah! I want to say that… I like y… I like that you coming with me to the Opera to see the renewed "Mac badluck" the critics compliment this and her new main role Mary Dahl!
Babs: Yeah, I like it, a lot… *Both walking slowly under the moonlight*
[The Trashman: The moon then fell on them.]
Clock king: FRrrrr!*Sleep and snore* Frrrr! *Take a dilorang in the face* Sacré bleu! I mean, meanwhile…
[Kiryu: Y’know, is there even really any point to making Batman a Dilophosaurus? I mean, sure, there’s the occasional poison spit joke, but aside from that, the writer really doesn’t do much with that concept aside from changing Batman’s name. They didn’t even make Barbara into Dilophosaurus Girl. It almost feels pointless.]
D-man: *Sweating* So I… was thinkin' if you, Mrs Kyle…
Selina: Selina, call me Selina. *Meow look*
[Kiryu: The fuck’s a ‘meow look’?]
[Mystic: :3]
D-man: S…Selina, would you like to help…
Selina: I would love to help you, in every way… *tickle his feet with her own*
D-man: Aw! I… I mean would you helping charity…
Selina: Charity? I'm made for this… Especially for the ones who deserve this… Like you *wink at him*
[Servo: Nothing turns me on more than a
big donation to UNICEF.]
D-man: dcgcpdign *watered down by an extinguisher by Alfred* Help charity, financially.
[Mystic: "You know. With MONEY. M O N E Y."]
Selina: Oh… Well I will donate. What's the name of this association?
D-man: Bastet, it help animals, families, music, dance and joy.
Selina: Just like the real. Do you have a cat?
[Mystic: He does now. *Holds up a collar and waggles eyebrows*]
D-man: No, but I have a dog, Ace. He loves night walk and kitty too
[The Trashman: I should warn you, he did get bit by a bat recently, but I'm sure it's nothing.]
Selina: You're not talking about you, right?
[Servo: “No. Frankly, I have no idea what I’ve been talking about. I’m two bottles deep right now.”]
D-man: No! No… Well thanks for your upcoming donation.
Selina: The pleasure was all for me. Well, maybe we see again in the future, mister? *Get up and leave but one her heels break, makes her falling*
D-man: *Catch and hold her, they are very close* Bruce, James Bruce. *Laugh together* I… I was thinking that, may I can escort you to your home?
Selina: Eh, you don't know how to talk to a woman?
[H.A.Y.E.S: You have to stand on your head and vibrate your diaphragm.]
D-man: Maybe, but I know how to talk to a cat. *smile*
[Mystic: C'MERE KITTY KITTY! *Dangles keys happily*]
[The Trashman: I share his pain. I always choke whenever I try to talk to a cat. I still regret never asking out this one cat to my high school prom.]
Selina: Know great.
Alfred: *Playing violin* Sorry to interrupt you, but I just remember the house give free spaghetti to our 294th customers and you're the lucky winners! *Put spaghetti on the table*
[Kiryu: Somebody toucha my spaghet!]
Brucelina: *Smiling*
[H.A.Y.E.S: When people talk about couples being like one person, they usually aren't so literal.]
Calendar man: *From nowhere* That's enough folks! Happy everyday!
Clock king: Hey that's my work! You stole it! Abruti
Calendar man: Fight, I triple dare ya! *Punch Clock King*
Clock king: What? Cause you're able to counting? *Fight with Calendar man*
[Mystic: I bet good money on this. COME ON CALENDAR MAN.]
Extra: 2:58pm Arkham sweet Arkham
Harley: *In the dark* Aww Mr J, the guards will notice that you're not at the right place!
Harvey: *Punch the right wall of his cell* Quite down, next! I try to sleep
Two-face: But me I try to hear them! Now Hush!
Harley: *pianissimo* Guys?
Riddler: Hush is here? Where's is he?! Oh my Husky hushie honey! *Jump hysterically*
Scarecrow: And if is not here? That's your fear, right? There's fear all over here! Hihihi! *Evil laugh*
Bane: The only thing which scares me is to hear you. Plus I have my Osito to protect me against all monster under my bed! Osito?! Where are you!? *Scream*
Croc: You call it a roar, I can make better! And you gonna hear me roaaarrr! *Roar*
[Kiryu: ♪Louder, louder than a lion! 'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar!♪]
Freeze: Stop it, all of that noises shatters my glass helmet! Stop this! *The suit's alarm activates*
Harley: *piano* Guys!
[Mystic: Play them a sonata, Harley.]
Mad Hatter: Teas? Someone need teaaasssss?! 'Cause today is a very happy unbirthd… *Sing*
Penguin: Traitor! You talkin' 'bout that while you forget my, mine birthday. Like everyone here! I hate you! Hatin', hatin, hatin'! *Keep shouting*
Ivy: Sorry not sorry. I couldn't find any flower enough big for being able to eat ya.*Keep quiet*
Scarface: Hey, is a deautiful and dewitching dady like you need a dig man to cherish her? *Smack the void*
[Servo: *the void smacks back*]
Wesker: Boss, we aren't in the same cell! *panic and breathing*
Clayface: Whaaat?! But how the puppet can talk without a ventriloquist? It is a vengeful force that will bring to all of us a terrible revenge?! Please protect us! Protectttt! That's what good, right? I will be a great actor! *Dance and stomp the ground*
Harley: *mezzo* GUYS!
Creeper: *As a ventriloquist* Haha! Gotcha! You should see your face!
D-man: Get out of here! You're too boring for being insane and you're too insane for being boring! *Try to push him*
Harley: *fortissimo* GUYS!? *everyone stop* Okay, listen. Joker and me trying to having some good time which is very rare because of all things like crime and justice, so would you please let me enjoy this with my PUDDIN'!... Hey, that's not mister J! *Holding a Joker doll which blows and covers everyone with fish and dilophosaurus' spit*
Joker: Ah! You guys are really mad! Hahaha!
[The Trashman: Nah! We're pissed for having to read this.]
Everyone except J: *furious* JOKER!
The End?
[H.A.Y.E.S: Please God, let it be.]
“Experiment complete,” the computer states.
“Recalibrating subjects.”
1
2
3.”
[/color]
After a dazed walk back to the prison cell, the five prisoners are silent. The story they read has effectively crippled their will to exist.
Elvis slides open the food slot in the prison door. He slides a Tupperware container full of pizza into the cell. “Courtesy of the good doctor.” The slot shuts.
H.A.Y.E.S. grabs the Tupperware and drops it off at the Mystic One’s feet. “Since you didn’t get to have pizza last week, you can have this.”
The Mystic One’s glazed eyes look up at H.A.Y.E.S., barely registering his kind gesture.
Dr. Goodlover smiles as he cleans his round glasses with his sleeve. “You can see my experiments are having a noticeable effect on their collective psyche.”
“It is a start.” Pearl is disinterested in Goodlover at the moment.
This doesn’t go unnoticed. Dr. Goodlover puts his glasses back on. “Are you not satisfied with what I have given them?”
“You shall have them broken in three weeks’ time. Completely.”
“I can’t guarantee that, Chancellor,” Dr. Goodlover states.
“Why?”
“Their reaction to the story cannot be predetermined. It doesn’t work like that. Too many factors exist for it to be calculated with any –“
Chancellor Pearl silences Dr. Goodlover with a raised hand. “Three weeks, Doctor. And if you don’t succeed in breaking them, then we will break you.”
Dr. Goodlover nods in frightened understanding.