CHAPTER 4: DANGER ZONE
There was grumbling in the halls of Tumblr, talk of oppression and sexism, usual Tumblr talk. Talks of controversy, talks about violence against women, representation. Tumblr was as it always was, a pit of scum where no light could touch. Still, today was a day like no other in the Tumblr. No one could hear the ranting of the Tumblrina, it was believed that she was triggered by Fekkit. This left an almost calm atmosphere beyond her little group doing her job for her. But in the corner, a dark corner with little light, sat our heroes. It seemed to be around lunch, they had already eaten and were discussing a plan...or they should’ve been. Mark seemed bored, playing with a fork like it was an airplane. Fekkit was smoking something like a cigar, Eyecandi sat patiently waiting for someone to talk. Utensil was writing a book, a children’s book with little doodles on it with a big grin on his face. Eyecandi eventually just sighed before turning to the group.
“Where’d you even get that?” Eyecandi said pointing to the cigar.
“The fine power of capitalism, my dear.” Fekkit said with a chuckle. “When I’m outside of here, I’m gonna build a wall. With a shelf on it.” He looked around, seeing a multitool on the ground and an inactive robot guard dog nearby. A grin grew on his face as he dug into one of the pockets in his armor, producing some small screws.
“What does that have to-”
“MAKE WRITING GREAT AGAIN!” Fekkit shouted as he ran off..
Eyecandi rolled her eyes and turned to Mark, who was playing with the fork still. He was even making the noises and pretending to shoot people down. Eyecandi found it a bit amusing and a bit infuriating at the same time, she was left to rely on this idiot in order to survive. She had to keep manipulating him in order to win but she also found his idiocy a bit charming, so she was left in a confused middle ground as to what she thought of him. She coughed to gain his attention and he looked up shocked and dropped the fork.
“SWEET SPACE JESUS! I-I forgot you were there!” Mark squeaked.
“That’s...a surprise to say the least.” Eyecandi muttered. “So...you said you had a plan to get us out of here, you little...furry thing?”
"Yes. Yes. Okay, okay, SO!" Fekkit announced, grinning still. "Just got done screwing that pooch-bot. Anyhow, 'Candi. I'm gonna need a small loan."
Eyecandi raised an eyebrow. Knowing Fekkit thus far, she had no idea what he meant by a 'loan'. She huffed, brushing back some hair. "How much?"
"Er, 'bout a million. Yeah. A small loan of a million dollars."
"Y-you mean, SPACE-dollars, right?" Mark asked timidly, before being whacked upside the head with the fox's paw.
"OF COURSE I MEAN SPACE-DOLLARS!" Fekkit yelled before dodging a low-hanging fruit being thrown their way.
“Look, you’ll get more than just one million SPACE dollars, I have a contact that will pay a pretty SPACE penny for it.” Eyecandi purred. “So what’s the plan?”
Fekkit chuckled. “What’s the plan? WHAT’S THE PLAN?!
WE! ARE! GOING! TO! MAKE! WRITING! GREAT! AGAIN!”
“
How? And that really doesn’t get us out of any trouble…” Eyecandi sighed. “Could you say how for once?”
“Alright so here’s my plan I’m gonna need that guy’s-”
Mark was not paying attention, at all. He was mesmerized by something a bit...
lower than Eyecandi’s face. Fekkit’s rants were pretty boring and Mark didn’t get much time to mature being raised by pirates. So he stared at the green in front of him.
Lots and lots of green, he was in a trance, almost. And he was enjoying every minute of it.
“Mark? MARK!” Eyecandi’s voice was not clear in his mind.
Mark was still not paying attention, not to her voice, that is. And Eyecandi was pissed at him, she was concerned with getting out of here alive and all he was doing was staring at her like an idiot. He had the biggest and dumbest smile on his face and it was a miracle that Eyecandi didn’t attack him for this. It pained her not to smack him right then and there. Mark was the kind of idiot she dealt with a hundred times beforehand but again, something was holding her back. She was surprisingly patient with him, almost too patient. But she knew she had to be on his good side to get out of Tumblr alive.
“Mark?” She sighed again. “C’mon! Eyes are up here!”
Mark snapped out of it for a moment and looked into her eyes.
Wow. They were expressive, big eyes that completed her look, honestly. Mark never stared there until then but now he was in a different kind of trance. Her eyes were stunning to say the least; they were a...striking blue, almost as if they were changing hue and shade...in fact, they were doing exactly that. They pulsed in an almost hypnotic way, in rings of bright sky blue and cyan alternating with dark blue-grays and deep and dark indigoes. And she noticed that he took her advice, it was a strange moment for her. Rather than look at her quite curvaceous figure, he looked her in the eyes. It caught her off-guard and she felt her face getting warm.
A blush? She was sure it couldn’t be, she was better than that and wouldn’t that easy to faze. But there was also a bit of doubt.
Mark sensed a bit of shyness in her. This was surprising to him, to say the least.
A girl that hot being shy? That’s gotta be a joke, right? A chick with at least...double...triple...some letter you-know-whats? Shy? Impossible. And yet it was actually so. And her blush was the cutest thing he’d ever seen, it was literally glowing on her cheeks. Skartans were unbelievably sexy, but so unbelievably-
“Yes, adorable- I...I mean, yes?” Stammered Mark. “Boobs- I MEAN EYECANDI! I...I should stop talking right now...”
Eyecandi blushed harder and was a bit annoyed by this fact too. Flustered might even be a better word for what she was feeling.
“Focus on the mission, Mark!” She snapped, quickly covering her mouth.
Fekkit huffed, crawled up onto the table, leaving a few scratch marks in it and walked straight towards Eyecandi. He had his hands on his hip and looked very angry but...he was about as threatening as a bright pink SPACE teddy bear with children’s clothes on. Hell, that might be scarier than Fekkit but what was truly scarier than the misguided fox was his beliefs.
“Of course, the
Skartan fiend tries taking control of this operation!”
“
Excuse me?”
“Yeah, yeah, I remember when there were a bunch of your scummy people comin’ in across the SPACE border-”
“Our people? Our planet was destroyed!”
“So, so? Okay, fair enough, but your kind didn’t hafta whore itself out and take our jobs!”
“Really. REALLY?” The look on her face was blatantly angry. “Your jobs? What is your job? Being a sociopathic supremacist arrogant flapjawed hate-spewing pundit? And at least we’re good at our jobs!”
“Well? What is your job?” He leaned forward, getting right up in her face.
“Infiltrator, Seductress, Assassin.” She growled. “And damn good at it.”
“...fine, fine. Doesn’t stop me from calling you out on your promiscuity-”
“IT’S PART OF THE JOB, YOU DUNDERHEAD!”
Mark wasn’t paying attention, he remembered something about a continuity drive that was conveniently in the place they were eating. Seriously, it's like they designed TUMBLR to be broken out of, with it just hanging on the main column there and being bright and beep-boopy. Mark’s problem was getting up there to press the beepy parts, seeing as he was about 10 feet too short to reach it. Still, Fekkit and Eyecandi’s argument was so heated that no one noticed him casually leave the table and look up to the Continuity Drive. Poor Utensil covered his ears as he heard the argument, clearly he was against it. He heard glimpses of the argument continuing though, Eyecandi was scary when pissed and very...creative with her insults.
“...AS I SAID, IT’S MY JOB, YOU IGNORAMUS!”
Mark was stupid, stubborn, but very stupid in his plan to get up to the Continuity Drive. He grasped the sides of the column and tried getting up, sliding down immediately with him pawing the sides as if he was a declawed cat trying to scratch something. Roark was also at lunch, not a part of the group but he had noticed Mark’s...
stupidity. He stood there silently watching Mark try to scurry up the wall. There was a slight bit of amusement on his face, as Mark’s attempts were fairly comical, though it did show a great deal of determination on Mark’s part. Slowly, Mark was getting somewhere, though he was getting tired. He was nearly to the panel, a small gray box with a bunch of of buttons on it. Supposedly there was a very complex code that required 4 passcodes from the guards, an ID scanner and some genetic material. Mark opted for the layman’s technique and started whaling on the Continuity Drive.
“Y’know gettin’ off this argument with the harlot, we really should get the Continuity Drive last. Things will get messy and not in the way the Skart-”
“OH FUCK OFF!”
Mark had hurt his fist on the first punch, very nearly falling off the column before throwing another punch at it, then another and then yet another. Until the power went out in which Mark squeaked and lost his grip, as he was in the air there was nothing he could do but keep screaming until he hit a table. Coincidently, he landed with the rest of his team in the center of the table, seeing as when the lights came on, an angry Fekkit was in front of him.
“OR WE CAN DO IT RIGHT NOW!” Fekkit shouted at Mark. “SPACEDAMMIT MARK!”
Sirens blaring, people shouting and the sounds of the drones hovering in were what Mark heard as well, making it hard to even think. He tried scrambling to his feet, only for energy blasts to fly above his head, singeing the very top of his hair. He stood there, mouth wide open in shock before crawling towards the edge of the table and rolling onto the ground. People panicking and rioting made sure he wasn’t the first target, but he was always in danger of getting hit. Times like these were when Mark needed to slow down and think, it got him this far and it’d get him out of this just like before. Thinking was Mark’s specialty, people thought of him as an idiot but the truth was that he was actually lazy. The world
bored him and he only used his wits when he had to.
Mark saw the drones fly by, labeled FLCs, they had a predictable flight pattern, it was the fact that the turrets on them had a wide range of motion that made them a threat. He also gathered that if they were controlled remotely and not acting off their rather simplistic AI they’d be a threat. He’d have to take out anyone controlling at least one of them, the problem is getting to that person. Yeah, there was the distraction of the inmates rioting but few were crazy enough to take on the guards.
“You, one who wishes to lay with the Skartan! I have come to aid you in your quest!” Roark’s voice shouted.
“Well, that was convenient!” Mark spoke to himself, surprised. “Look, I could use your help! They let you keep your sword, right?”
Fekkit and Utensil were surrounded by drones, Fekkit stood unafraid of his opponents but knew he had now way of taking them down. Utensil was in the defensive but he knew he could take these down. Utensil walked ahead towards the drones and decided that it was time to go crazy on these poor bastards.
“
I! AM! UTENSIL!” Utensil shouted.
As energy blasts hit him, he grew erasers on his body which defended him from being hurt by the volley of energy. His arms then became sharpened pencils, long and sharp enough to be used as blades. As the drones flew by, Utensil swung his mighty arms and stabbed into one with the pencil blades, destroying the machine instantly. Sadly, this victory was interrupted by energy bolts to the back, sending the pencil-man stumbling forward. He then swung a backhand, hitting the nearest drone and sending it flying into another, blowing both machines up effortlessly. Three more circled around him, firing shots at his weak points and shattering pieces of his wooden exterior. Utensil extended his arm and managed to stab one but then the others shot his right arm off. Utensil stepped back, knowing he was at a disadvantage. Fekkit scurried towards his ally and hoped he could help.
A sword spun through the air and chopped the guns off of a drone before hitting the center column and bouncing back while slicing the drone itself. Time slowed for Fekkit, he saw two guns falling down from the sky towards him, had God answered his prayers for some ol’ fashioned liberty? If so, Fekkit couldn’t have been happier, he scurried up Utensil’s body and leapt for the guns, grasping them with massive talent. He landed after doing a flip and nothing could compare to the massive grin on his face while propping those two guns up.
“
SECOND AMENDMENT RIGHTS, BITCH!” Fekkit yelled in joy as he started opening fire on the drones.
And Second Amendment rights were what he was enjoying as he fired away, the flashes of light illuminating the fox’s face and body, Fekkit was bouncing back from the recoil on these guns but he didn’t care, he was doing what he did best; shooting guns at the enemy. Above that, Roark caught his sword effortlessly after that incredible throw, prompting Mark to give an impressed whistle. This happy moment was interrupted by the actual guards arriving. They held automatic weapons and a lot of ammo for said weapons, so Mark obviously knew to be careful.
“CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE, PRISONER!” One shouted.
“Is everyone here this fucking crazy?” Mark sighed to himself.
“COME, FOOL! WE SHALL DISPATCH OUR FOES WITH HONOR!” Roark roared with glee, as he charged towards the group of guards.
They shot at both of them, only barely missing Mark and only hitting Roark’s sword, which seem to absorb the energy blast. Roark sent his sword crashing down on someone, slicing at them and sending them falling down. He turned to another one and kicked him across the gates and down to the lower levels of TUMBLR. (Mark swears he heard a Wilhelm scream there!) Mark threw a punch at one guard and quickly grabbed his gun and started firing on the other guards. Roark laughed as he sliced another guard down not far from Mark before sheathing his sword and slamming a guy into the ground.
Eyecandi had been sneaking up to the upper levels of TUMBLR, snapping guard’s necks and otherwise being a brutally efficient assassin, taking out many guards. It honestly bored her at this point, killing men was pretty much routine at this point. For decades, she killed for her “father” without mercy and no questions asked. For her killing was as natural as breathing but something about that felt wrong to her. Without a decent cause to kill for, sometimes things felt off.
Lo and behold, something caught her eye. Outside a glass window overlooking a secluded part of the vast prison, beneath a large fan, a group of prisoners were standing in a circle, around a single poor soul, cowering with a crumpled piece of paper in her hand. Eyecandi’s eyes gazed upon the young child - clearly another human like Mark (how did she end up here?) - as the prisoners began kicking her and stamping on her. The paper fell from her hand: it was but a drawing. Rage, pure and unyielding, boiled in the Skartan’s blood as she watched this.
Glass shattered, slicing some of the criminals’ skin as Eyecandi landed atop some of the bullying prisoners, kneeing them in their faces. The others stood up and took a few steps away from the child, who picked up the drawing and crawled to the wall as her attackers slowly started surrounding the Skartan assassin. What they saw was a pretty lady, not the skilled warrior she really was, and that was a BAD thing. In any other battle, she would be confident or even bored of a fight like this but anger had overtaken her. One of the attackers ran forward, screaming at Eyecandi with her fists out and ready to punch. Eyecandi silently deflected the punch by lightly grabbing at her fist and quickly and efficiently broke the attacker’s arm.
“You
BITCH!” The prisoner shouted in pain. “Me ‘n my friends ‘r gonna-!”
Eyecandi slugged the prisoner in the jaw, knocking a few teeth out and sending her twirling onto the ground. After the satisfying thud of that asshole hitting the ground, Eyecandi walked forward again with a disturbing calm. The thugs that surrounded her backed up, unsure of their next move and unwilling to be the next to get beaten down.
“Anyone else?” Eyecandi said confidently.
Three of the punks ran towards her and she rolled her eyes at their unprofessional stance. As two swung at her, she ducked under and made them hit each other. Although they weren’t knocked out, they were sent back a bit by this trick, leaving the third one to try a jumping kick. Eyecandi grabbed her by the leg and threw her into the wall, running forward and kicking her in the head afterwards, knocking her out and putting a dent in the wall.
She heard growling and turned her head to see the first bastard she punched, bleeding from the mouth and coming at her with a shard of a broken bottle of Tygarrian ale (she could’ve at least had some class!). She darted towards her and went for a slice at the head. She went into dodge but, in a moment of carelessness, she hadn’t noticed another one coming in for a punch. The blade missed her head but hit her shoulder, cutting through her prison uniform. Blue blood leaked out of the wound, nothing serious but it did sting. She quickly came around to grab the one with the knife and get vengeance, she twisted the blade arm and snapped it like the other. She screamed and went for a headbutt but Eyecandi just moved out of the way as she slammed her head on the wall.
“Wh-what the fuck are you, s-self-objectifying scumbag?” One of them said.
“Clearly a nightmare to people like you.” Eyecandi calmly spoke. “You want respect? Respect others.”
“Do you have something against progressivism, you conservative-”
“Oh, please. If
I was conservative, would I show any of this off? If anything, you’re not even sure what you are.” Eyecandi snarled before picking up the beaten girl. “C’mon. We’ll get you outta here.”
“T-thanks…th-the others who don’t deserve being here...they’re down that hall.” She said weakly, smiling.
“Got that. Also, no problem. Progressive values are okay until people start regressing with how overly adamant they are. Go so far left...you hit the right.”
“I THINK WE TURNED LEFT SO MUCH WE’RE GOING RIGHT!” A voice shouted.
“...Like that?” Eyecandi looked in confusion.
Barreling down the hall at breakneck speeds was Mark. Naturally, he was being a clumsy oaf about it again, stumbling with every third step but somehow managing to keep himself upright. That is, as upright as one can get while stumbling in low-gravity. An amused smile formed on her face; she was getting a bit lonely and needed some company. Slamming into the wall, Mark had probably hurt himself less than he should’ve, only getting a red spot on his forehead. Eyecandi walked over and extended a hand before he had the chance to float past in microgravity, pulling him toward her. This only knocked her over, the kid having moved out of the way fast enough to avoid being crushed.
“Oh hi, Boobs!” Mark said cheerily.
“Nice to see you too, Mark.” Eyecandi rolled her eyes, but smiled as well. “You’re still...well, in one piece. I’m honestly surprised.” She patted him on the head.
“What can I say? I have a thick skull.”
Eyecandi turned to the wall and saw a literal dent where he landed. She let out an impressed noise and then grabbed Mark’s hand to help him up.
“Thanks.” Mark muttered as he rose to his feet. “So what are you doing?”
“Helping this little girl get to a safe place.” Eyecandi mentioned.
“Need a hand?” Mark offered without even a thought. “I’ll keep the guards away from the kid, alright?”
“How chivalrous of you, Mark.” She giggled, prompting him to blush.
“Well...well I figured I would...well...uhh.” He stammered. “Well...yeah.”
Eyecandi laughed again at how cute this was before realizing what she had thought. Those very conflicted thoughts about Mark popped into her mind again and both sides made fairly compelling arguments. One side pointed out his childishness and rather...odd behavior that sometimes enraged her. The other mentioned these same qualities as endearing, sometimes downright adorable, and…he did not look bad at all. She found the glasses cute and he was much more muscular than the first glance implied. There was also the fact that he hadn’t well...asked for anything despite clearly wanting it. He was a wild card, and she hadn’t known that many wild cards in her life. And so she was left utterly confused by him.
“So, Mark, what’s
your plan once we get out of here?” Eyecandi mentioned before covering. “Just...curious.”
“Well, gonna get the hell away from Grezz...I’m gonna...well, you know a guy that will buy the Sphere from me, right?” Mark asked.
“
Know is a strong word…” Eyecandi mentioned, as she looked out. “I know one of his customers very intimately.”
“Is it the one you crushed his head in with your boobs?!” A random prisoner shouted.
“...I never felt jealous of a dead man until now.” Mark said, imagining the thought.
Eyecandi blushed a bit before correcting them. “I’ve never done that! That’s all a rumor, guys!”
“Riiiiiiiiight.” Mark said with a grin. “Totally a rumor.”
“Ugh.” She replied, kicking a wall.
“Jeez, ‘m sorry-” Mark said, backing away.
“No.”
“No, what? Look, I’m really-”
“No, help me get this duct open.
“Oh, that’s...that’s pretty clever!” Mark muttered, impressed.
“Yeah, I’ve been in similar situations before.” Eyecandi said casually. “Prison breaks, assassinations, you name it, I’ve done it.”
“You sound…”
Eyecandi looked at him in the eyes and he could tell she didn’t want to talk about it. Mark went down to help her get the duct opened.
“I was gonna say professional.”
Eyecandi tossed aside the duct grate and looked at the young girl. “Go. Find your friends and get them out.” She put a hand to the back of the girl’s neck. “You’ll know how.”
The girl gave a two-finger salute and bolted away.
“Get in the duct.”
“What?” Mark squeaked.
“Ladies first.”
“I was gonna say the same to you…”
Mark received a bit of a glare from Eyecandi. “What?”
“Ladies. First.”
“Nuh-uh! You know how clumsy I am! I...I make too much noise!” Mark stuttered.
“YOU HEARD WHAT I SAID!”
“W...why can’t you go first?” Mark said as he tried to crawl in. “Ugh..”
Eyecandi smiled. “I’m not stupid, I know you just wanted to look at my butt.”
“Uh...well...shit, you got me.” Mark muttered.
“See, I know you.”
TUMBLR Dry Room, Sector 5PR-Hu-10k
“Now Utensil,” Fekkit groaned, looking over a gaggle of drooling fan-people. “Remind me why we’re here.”
“I am Utensil?” The titan of ticonderoga responded, balling up two graphite fists.
“That’s right. We’re going to knock some sense into these people.”
At that one word -- sense -- all their heads turned.
“S...s-sense?” One of them hissed, voice trembling. “SENSE?”
The entire room erupted into a flurry, with all the occupants hurrying to one wall and tearing at the metal ravenously.
“The
fuck are these libbies up to?” the fox said, raising an eyebrow, only to jump back at the sight of a human’s face looking up at him. Only it had no body, only the skull and jaw and the flesh around it. “The fuck is goin’ on? Why aren’t these terrorist heads?”
Utensil tapped the hyperconservative fox’s shoulder and pointed forward. “I...am Utensil…?”
“The FUCK do you want-” Fekkit shouted, only to notice what he was pointing at. “Well fuck all kinds of duck.”
“I am Utensil?”
“IT’S A HEADCANNON!”
A meaty head flew straight between the two and hit the wall, resulting in the chilling sound of cracking bone and splattering brains.
“Well, Utensil, good thing I’ve got these!” Fekkit growled, taking twin pistols out of his armor.
“I am Utensil!”
“YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW!” Fekkit shouted as he fired wildly at the Headcannon.
To little or no effect, it seemed.
“Well...fuck!”
The Headcannon fired a shot directly at Utensil, who batted it out of the way with a carbon fist. The pencil knew exactly what to do and rushed forward to do so. His hands became sharpened pencils, goring the head on the point and splattering blood everywhere. There was a grin on his face which was honestly a bit disturbing for some, this peaceful writing implement might’ve had a dark side.
“Holy shit!”
The prisoners screamed, tearing another head off of one of their comrades and firing it at the duo, only for the one manning the giant cannon to be shot at repeatedly.
“LIBERAL! TRASH BAG! LIMOUSINE! LIBERAL!” Fekkit shouted with each shot til the prisoner fell. He then let his arms fall to his sidesas he breathed heavily from all the shouting. “Utensil?”
The giant pencil turned.
“Gore ‘em.”
“I AM UTENSIL!”
Crashing and muttering could be heard from above, prompting Fekkit to raise a conservative and confused eyebrow. The fox looked up to see the vents being dented and heard wild, girlish shouting from above only confusing the fox even more. Utensil also looked above.
“I...am Utensil?”
The vent collapsed, sending chunks of metal and a screaming Mark falling down at deadly speeds. Utensil, against his better judgement, tried to to catch Mark from the air but only succeeded in crushing both of his arms. In this moment of weakness, the Headcannon was reloaded and shot another skull at the gentle giant, sending him flying into the nearest wall and leaving the pencil knocked out of the fight for now. Mark was on the ground in pain, whining and crying about broken leg.
“You stupid Liberal, you-” Fekkit started before getting a head slammed into him as well.
Eyecandi slid down the destroyed vent and landed with impossible grace. She saw Mark on the ground ran to his side, then heard the slam of the Headcannon, moving her head to the side as she dodged the weapon. She then lifted Mark up, the idiot never could help himself, could he?
“What is that...what is that thing?” Mark muttered as he looked at the Headcannon. “Why can’t they have normal cannons?”
“It’s TUMBLR, cannons are too logical for them.” Eyecandi smirked. “Headcannons are where it’s at.”
“That...makes no sense.” Mark sputtered.
“Exactly.”
Mark was only left confused by this response but followed Eyecandi into cover narrowly avoiding a shot from the prisoners. Eyecandi looked at Mark worried before looking out for the cannon. She had no weapons on her, Mark had the energy pistol he nabbed from from one of the guards. Eyecandi snatched it out of his hands.
“But...I wanna use it!” The man-child whined.
“Yeah, I’m not trusting my life with a concussed idiot...sorry.” Eyecandi said harshly before turning sympathetic at the end.
She aimed the energy pistol and saw the Headcannon move the other direction, prompting her to raise an eyebrow.
“What the hell…?”
“CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE!”
Eyecandi was greeted by a kick to the face. Swinging down from a network of pipes was a lithely built young woman with blonde hair, blue eyes, and a pink sweater conducted a three-point landing.
“Excuse me?” the Skartan assassin kipped up and stared her assailant in the eyes.
“No, excuse me. I’m better than you. ALL OF YOU!” the young blonde woman screeched, turning to the rest of the group before turning back to the green-skinned lady before her. “Especially you.”
“But…” Eyecandi furrows her brow in confusion as the blonde puts her in an armbar. “But why?”
“Because you promote a negative stereotype about impossible body images!” she spat, tightening the armbar.
“First of all,” the Skartan laughed. “I can’t help it, I was born this way.”
“Bullshit!” she yelled back. “That’s bullshit, and I hope you-”
“Okay, now if you call me a racist, I can’t help but say you’re being one now by ignoring the fact that you’re talking to a Skartan.”
The woman’s face paled, but her eyes seemed to glow an unnatural red around the irises.
“Also, ever look in a mirror?”
At that, Eyecandi flipped over the blondie and leapt up onto a perch. The woman growled, flying into the air and grabbing the Skartan by the throat.
“SHUT UP, YOU MISOGY-”
“I’ve had clients of all genders, so you shut up.”
“FUCK YOU!”
Eyecandi slammed the woman into the wall before walking back towards the group. Fekkit reached up and gave her a high five.
“Wow, didn’t know a libby like you had it in you to beat up a commie.” the fox chuckled, leaning back with pistols in hand.
“Ah, shut it.”
The sly fox drew a sly grin.
“HEY, MISS ARYAN!”
Her eyes glowed red again. “WHAT?!” She turned and glared at the fox. “You...who the fuck are you?”
“Only if you tell me yours, sweet-cheeks,” he smirked. Eyecandi rolled her eyes, knowing everything he was doing was meant to trigger.
“...TUMBLRina.”
“Fuck, seriously?” Fekkit coughed. “Thought that was mythical! Well, nice to meet you, TUMBLRina. I’m Hugh Mungus.”
“...what?”
“Hugh Mungus? Really?” Eyecandi said. “That’s the best you could-”
“Yeah. Hugh Mungus.”
“EXCUSE ME?”
Mark couldn’t hold it in any laughter. Exploding from his lungs, out of his mouth, laughter which knew no bounds erupted.
“HARASSMENT!” Tumblrina screamed, irises now blazing red around the edges. “YOU’LL PAY FOR THIS, YOU SKANK!” she rushed towards the fox.
“I’LL JUST KEEP MY MONEY TO MYSELF, THANK YOU!” Fekkit leaped over her. The blonde woman tripped over one of Utensil’s limbs, falling forward. She caught herself and did a series of acrobatic flips to right herself.
“I am Utensil.”
“You look like a-”
“Do not say it, foul vermin who disgraces this plane of existence and all around it!” Roark said, clenching one fist while crushing one of the heads for headcannon ammo. “YOU SHALL FALL, WENCH!”
“Wut?” Mark said, raising an eyebrow.
At that, Roark raised a book above his head and smacked it across Tumblrina’s face.
“F...FUCKER!”
“That would be you, milady,” Roark said curtly before conducting a well-timed legswipe which knocked her to the ground.
“Sweet!” Mark said with glee. “Let’s kick some a...oh shit.”
Tumblrina’s blue eyes shot Mark a disgusted look. “Your voice. I don’t like it. Nor your face. You should feel bad.”
“Hey!” Mark frowned, crossing his arms. “Who are you to judge, Ms. Stereotypical?”
A loud groan soon followed.
“Sorry, I-”
“That wasn’t me, Mr. Conclusion-Jumper.”
There was not much time before the walls were flooded by the sounds of many footsteps. Mark looked confused, Eyecandi sighed, and Fekkit just pinched his brow.
“Here comes the smolder,” Fekkit growled, taking out his twin pistols.
Soon enough, three waves of guards stormed the rooms, heavily clad in armor with enormous rifles in hand.
“MISS! YOU MUST STEP DOWN FROM THE PEDESTAL!” One of them shouted in a fake Russian accent.
“Or what? You're gonna be polite-me to death? I don't need a guy to tell me what to do!” Tumblrina said, stepping down from the pedestal she was standing on before kicking the guard in the gut, sending him far back into the crowd.
“Oh, fuck! She are the fucking strong!” the guard said, now trying to ham up the fake Russian voice. “What do we to do?”
“RUSH THEM! RUSH THEM ALL!-” a burly guard shouted.
“I don’t think so, libtard!” Fekkit said, standing atop the Headcannon, itself being hoisted by Utensil. “Do you know who I am?”
“Oh, fuck, here we go…”
“I’M FEKKIT! I graduated top of my class at Pol Academy, I know better than anyone that you’re just a low thug!” He pointed his guns at the burly guard, who tensed up. “Now back the fuck away from here and leave my guns alone.”
“You’re going to get us all killed!” Eyecandi shouted.
“Better to die for what I believe in than die bowing to tyrants!” Fekkit snarled.
“BUT WE DON’T BELIEVE IN-” Mark screeched, only to be interrupted by a loud BRAKALAKALAKALAKA and a louder yet:
“
GOD BLESS AMERICA!”
One could feel the patriotism flowing through him as he leapt forward firing his guns at the guards. Mark sighed, getting into boxing position alongside the rest of them.
“You are certain of the validity of your strategy, young human?” Roark said, turning to Mark.
“Pshh. Got some semblance of self trust.” Mark said as one of the guards rushed him, only for Eyecandi to kick its shins in.
“Gonna need a lot more than that to survive!” Eyecandi purred.
Shots continued to ring as the group charged forward through the waves of guards. Mark ducked and stole an energy pistol from a fallen one and fired a few shots of his own into the crowd. Eyecandi leapt forward and kicked a guard in the jaw sending him staggering back only for him to get gutted by Roark’s sword. Fekkit advanced ahead, slowly walking forward as he continued to shoot his weapons.
Mark saw a window of opportunity open, and jumped through, landing himself in the control tower’s base structure. He scrambled through the machinery and made his way in, after pushing up a grate. He scrambled back down and leaned out the window.
“Guys! I made it in! C’mon!” Mark shouted, waving for the others to follow. The ragtag band of idiots followed along, climbing back behind him, with Eyecandi immediately trailing Mark and Utensil guarding the rear of the group. A small bit of oil slick that had developed caused Mark to slip, falling back onto Eyecandi.
“Again with your clumsiness.” The Skartan said with a slight blush as she hoisted him off her chest and into the control room, climbing out with the others clambering in with cartoonish strain. Once Utensil made it in, Fekkit kicked the grate back into place and Roark stood atop it.
Mark leaned forward, placing his hands on the edge of the control panel, his eyes wide with childlike wonder.
“Wow…” Mark said, filled with awe. “It’s amazing! We’ve got all sorts of knobs...n’ knobs…lots of knobs!”
“Alright, alright,” Fekkit said, searching through his armor-suit. “Where’d I put my tape measure?”
That last comment earned him a slap on the back of the head from Eyecandi. The fox looked at her with disdain and grumbled.
“So, are there any labels? Any way to tell what these do?”
“Well…” Mark scanned the switchboards.
“Well?”
“Yes, but they’ve all been rubbed off for the most part. Yknow, removed.”
”Looks like the TUMBLR’s prisoners got here some time ago,” Fekkit muttered, before letting out such a foul string of words, the story-writers couldn’t bear putting in those words.
The ragtag band of idiots stood around for a moment, looking at each other weirdly, before looking around.
“...the hell was that?” Mark said.
“...who are you calling ‘idiots’, huh?” Fekkit remarked.
“I am...Utensil…?” The giant pencil remarked in response.
“Yeah, never mind that. ANYWAYS!” Mark said, clapping his hands. “Roark, do you have any idea how to operate this sort of thing?”
“I, Roark, do believe I am indeed well-equipped in knowledge and skill to operate a most simple and unsophisticated set of switches, levers, dials, and knobs, yes.” He responded most eloquently. “What do you ask of me to accomplish in particular?”
Roark then noticed Mark was blabbing his mouth and making hand-puppet motions. “Do you, Mark Leitner, dare mock I, Roark?”
“...well, you’re no fun.” Mark grumbled, disappointed. Eyecandi quietly laughed, covering her mouth and slightly keeled over as she tried to hold in her laughter. “See? Even she thinks it’s funny! (ohmygodherlaughissocute)”
Roark sighed before moving Mark aside, looking over the control panel. He continued his gaze for a good minute, absorbing all possible solutions to their problems. He acted confident, sure of what he was going to do…
He swung his sword down to the control panel, smashing parts of it, followed by a girlish shriek from Mark. The human man ran to the side of Roark, trying to pry the sword from his hand. Roark gave him a confused look.
“Is this not the solution to the problem? This is how you operate such things on my homeworld. Is that not true here?” The big alien raised an eyebrow.
“NO, IT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS!
SWEET SPACE CHRIST, NO!” Mark whined, while Fekkit glared at both of them.
“Alright, you goddamn libs. Lemme deal with this.” The hyper-conservative fox clambered onto the control console.
He immediately started to whack every button.
“And for my next trick, I’ll give ‘em some medicine!” Fekkit raised his arm above a single large button.
And it was pressed.
A rumble permeated through the whole facility
“Alright,” Mark said, regaining his footing. “What the hell did you just do?”
“He appears to have shut off gravity and...several other things,” Eyecandi mused. “That’s...that’s a lot of red lights. Heh, red lights.”
“N-no, no, seriously,” Mark said again, more demandingly. “
What the hell did you do?!”
“I just told you, numbskull,” Fekkit said, hopping off the control panel and knocking the human in the head. “
Medicine.”
The ragtag band of misfits looked out the window, to the view that was beginning to fall below them. Some of the Tumblrina’s lackeys began to float at each other as the gravity turned off. Fekkit in particular had a rather proud smile on his face.
The distant rumble grew. And grew. And grew.
Soon enough, grates began to burst on the walls -- followed by millions upon millions of small crimson gel capsules pouring out of the vents. And the inhabitants began to scream in pain and rage as they wailed on the small caplets.
“What the fuck did you just do?!” Mark said, watching with abject horror as some of them began to drown in the sea of vermillion.
“Red Pills.” Fekkit said smugly. “I did say medicine.”
The Red Pills looked like a wave of blood washing over the bottom of the floor. It was straight up unnerving.
A loud thump on the roof, and the five of them looked up, each with a look of puzzlement.
“I am Utensil?” The giant pencil asked.
“Me either,” Eyecandi said. “Roark?”
“I, Roark, do not have even the slightest mote of a thought on what that could have been. Perhaps-”
Tumblrina leapt from the top of the rising control pod and scrambled for a window, smashing through it. The blonde tumbled onto the floor in the distance and ran off.
“That...that b-” Eyecandi began, trembling in anger.
“Shit! Thought the Red Pills would get her!” Fekkit interrupted, cursing aloud before slumping against the console. “Now what?”
A pregnant pause filled the command tower before the cylindrical room hit the ceiling. A door on the roof opened.
“We escape.” Mark said, some resolve in his voice.
Eyecandi smiled, leaning on her hip. Roark nodded, back straight and arms crossed. Utensil stood. Fekkit, well...Fekkit grinned.
They hoisted themselves up with their shoulders through the roof, punching through a grate. Fekkit hopped out first, leading the charge as the other four scrambled out.
The hallway was long and narrow. The sounds of both pills being crushed and lackeys drowning droned on behind them. They rushed through, though there were threats along the way. A squad of guards were in the way but Mark was a master of the run ‘n gun, he effortlessly fired a few shots and wiped most of them out. Eyecandi rushed in front of him and kicked one of the bastards in the face and into the wall. Mark saw the storage room not far from them and gave a little chuckle.
“Looks like we’ve found our shit!”
Mark rushed into there and quickly changed back into his blue jacket, now with his signature OUCH guns and his helmet too. Being smart, he also hid the Sphere in his coat. The others (besides Roark who had already had his equipment) did likewise. Eyecandi held her Skartana with a little grin, along with her other weapons. She also could finally
breathe in a less tight outfit, thank Space God.
And not far away, there it was. The McFly, Mark’s baby! He then looked in confusion at where and how it was space-parked.
“How did they do that? Who the hell knows how to parallel-space-park? Do any of
you do?!” Mark shouted.
Eyecandi raised her hand shyly before Mark rolled his eyes. He gave the ship a tap and the door opened, letting his friends in. Mark had a little smirk on his face as he reached into his pocket, only for that smirk to fade. Frantically, he checked his other pockets, only to be let down again.
“Spacedammit, I forgot something! You guys hold the ship, if I’m not back in 10 minutes, don’t you dare fucking bolt!” Mark yelled.
“Why shouldn’t we, y’goddamn socialist?” Fekkit growled.
“I have the thing that’ll make you rich!” Mark said, dashing out of there while holding the Sphere, blowing a raspberry.
A second pregnant pause came about.
The distant sound of a baby crying echoed through the hall.
“Well...shit, he outsmarted us.”
In the TUMBLR
“Which room...which room…”
Kenny Loggins- “DANGER ZONE”
“There!” Mark shouted, bashing on the door.
The door was sent flying back, surprising the guard. His hands flew up, shocked. Mark held his OUCH gun forward, remembering this man as the one who beat him up as he got here. What a funny coincidence, no? Mark in his anger pistol-whipped the guard and grabbed his music player back. Putting his headphones on, he got ready for what he was about to do. He leapt out of the room, which was now being stormed by guards. They fired at him with their energy weapons, he turned back at fired a few OUCH shots. Mark could’ve sworn he heard the Wilhelm scream again, either that or he had watched Star Wars way too many times. Either one was likely considering what he had been through. He rushed through the halls, running and gunning, jumping through windows in order to make a few shortcuts and then silently cursing as glass hurts
like a bitch.
And he knew he’d make it, he just didn’t know how and when. He neared the garage and a smirk popped right back onto his face, he heard the footsteps of a wave of guards behind him, grin quickly faded and became-
“
OHSHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT!” Mark screeched, diving to the ground.
The sound of guns firing rapidly above him was worrying until he saw it was Fekkit which was
twice as worrying. Fekkit laughed as he wiped down the wave of the guards.
“When you get to Hell, tell ‘em Uncle Sam sent ya!”
He then turned his attention to Mark.
“Hurry up and get in the ship, Uncle Sam needs his paycheck!”
Mark scurried aboard, followed by Fekkit, there was a bit of a silence in the McFly as Mark caught his breath. Mark then made his way to the pilot’s seat in a hurry, only to see Eyecandi sitting there. There was a brief moment of silent shock before being replaced by a surge of anger.
“Ey-ey! What the hell makes you able to pilot my ship?!” Mark whined indignantly, prompting Eyecandi to roll her eyes.
“I’m the only one that can get us out of this seeing as I’m the only one who can space-parallel-park.” Eyecandi mentioned as she started to move the ship out.
“Fine but I get it back later.” Mark huffed.
“As long as I get to ride shotgun.” Eyecandi smiled.
Her face then turned serious as she carefully maneuvered the ship out of its tight parking spot, nearly hitting another ship but skillfully dodging it. In a few moments, the ship was back to having free flight in the stars. Eyecandi turned over to Mark with a “told you so” look and Mark just grumbled to himself before telling Eyecandi to get out of his seat. He saw the Skartan had set the coordinates to a place he had never heard of and raised an eyebrow before going back to the crew below.
Roark went to the side of his new companion, Mark, and gave him a pat on the back that nearly snapped his spine in two. Mark staggered forward with a girlish scream and stayed hunched over for a moment before cracking his back back into place.
“That was a glorious battle, friend! What great reward did you engage the enemy for? Was it a weapon? Was it a priceless artifact?” Roark roared in glee.
Mark sheepishly handed him the music player, which Roark inspected. He held it in his hand, weighed it, lightly tapped it and other things before looking back at Mark judgmentally.
“I, Roark, do not know if I have ever been this disappointed in one man in my long lifetime on the battlefield.”
“So, in others news...how do you like my girl? Her name is the McFly! She’s a real beaut, ain’t she?” Mark said pridefully.
The others remained silent, looking at the dumpy wreck of a ship they had just entered. Eyecandi tried finding a positive but that was kinda hard, Roark just sat peacefully on the floor. Fekkit sniffed and recoiled at the smell of the place and Utensil could only say what he’s always said. Mark grunted in frustration.
“Well screw you guys!” Mark shouted, accidently pressing a button.
Blue light glowed behind him.
“Oh hai, Mark!”
This time, everyone screamed alongside Mark.
