The Men Who Saved America[Disscussion]

[ernesth100]

Story: http://tohokingdom.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=18&t=22628

Okay, so let's just start by saying this is not a historically accurate story. But got damn was it fun to write and I hope it's fun for you guys to read. I'm thinking of a sequel since I reduced the ages of the main characters. Rockefeller is 50, Vanderbilt is 60, Henry Ford merely 34, JP Morgan is 56, and Andrew Carnegie is 52. So a sequel is not out of the question. Anyways tell me what you guys think.

[GodzillavsJason]

.....

What did I just read here?

The dialogue was corny, cheesy, and cheap but hilarious at the same time, however the plot felt rushed and uninspired along with the characters not being developed enough. It would have been better to space it out with chapters with more development and time put into them instead of just rushing it in all in one part. This needs a lot of work along with editing spelling and grammar issues.

It was funny, but a lot of the mistakes and little detail detracted from it.

[ernesth100]

Cool, thanks for the constructive criticism. I'll be sure to look into the errors and correct the story some time. But...damn I had fun writing this.

Edit: would you mind explaining a couple of problems you have with the story?

[GodzillavsJason]

The whole four main men deciding to break up their companies comes out of no where (Yes, I know that it happens in history, but this an AU.... in a sense). Show a scene of this contemplating it or talking about it with each other even if you wanted to do it as a surprise factor. Give us detail. Show them progressing from power hungry monopoly owners to honest men like they did in a final part.

[ernesth100]

Ah, okay. I'll be sure to insert that in there somewhere sometime. Thanks for the input.

[Kubo]

I was hoping this would be longer...and better. Sorry if that's a bit harsh. None of the characters were all that interesting. Ford, oddly enough, felt like the most developed. Everyone else had names only. Which is unfortunate because there could've been some great exaggeration of Roosevelt's wild-man side. He's one of the most colorful presidents ever. A missed opportunity for sure. Going back to length, GvJ already mentioned the story felt rushed, and I must agree. There were events that happened that should've had more staying power, like JP Morgan saving the day early on and the dinner scene with Roosevelt. More detail and some less clunky sentences would've helped.

I do like the story, the premise, and all that, but I think this was a missed opportunity, unfortunately.

[ernesth100]

Understood. As long as everyone likes something in the story a little critisism never hurts.
At some point I do plan on expanding upon the story though and lengthening it. Thanks for the input though.

[Kubo]

You're quite welcome.

This story, this idea has a lot of potential. Could be the next Wild Wild West (but better)!