"Return to Sinnoh" Discussion

[HayesAJones]

Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe.

[Demon Lord Gira]

Piplup chosen as a starter... HE FAILED TO CHOOSE TURTWIG! HE FAIIIIILED! TORTERRA FOR MASTER RACE OF SINNOH! NEIL BEFORE TORTERRA!

*Slap.*

With that out of the way, Jubilee City is going to hold some fun stuff... especially Oreburgh Gate with its underleveled Golbats of doom.

[UltramanGoji]

Only one picture can sum up this chapter:

[HayesAJones]

Sorry if this chapter seems a bit rough, but I just wanted to get it out before I leave for Christmas with the family tomorrow.

Fun fact: I considered putting in the extra effort to type a a special Christmas chapter that would break from the main storyline, but I... uh... ran out of time to be perfectly frank. Besides, it would have been about a young Hayden and, having just met him, I don't think you guys know him well enough for that to be significant to you.

[Demon Lord Gira]

Ah, the feeling of trying to capture a pokemon that belongs to someone else... We all know how that feels. And a Sneasel ontop of that... pours salt into these old wounds of mine. Oh the days of Pokémon Colosseum... those were the times.

[Kubo]

What fun this chapter was! Charon, I expect a Hannibal Lecter quote, just once! You hear that?!

[HayesAJones]

What's this? An update?

WHAT A TWIST!

Behold! Ryder's first battle!

(Also: Russell, this is what you get for blowing off my head with a shotgun, even in a story written by someone else. You get to cry like a little bitch in front of everyone.)

[Demon Lord Gira]

DAT BATTLE, THO!

and yes, zubats are pricks. Hope you got repels... not like anyone does in these pokemon fanficts.

[Dust_pan]

Haha! I finally get a chance to pick at mah good buddy Hayes's story!

So far I've read the prologue and chapters 1 and 2, and... I really enjoyed it! I probably shouldn't be surprised, since your UCA posts are so wonderfully crafted, but this is the first time I managed to read an entire story from you, and not just RPG posts, character profiles, or small bits of dialogue. I wish I were an expert on writing and storytelling, that way I can give you a more detailed and insightful description of what this story does so well, but I'm afraid you'll have to settle for my simple and meager observations.

This story is very character-centered and dialogue-heavy, and you do a fantastic job at portraying both. I'll admit that at the start of the prologue I was worried about robotic-sounding dialogue and bare minimum characterization, but I was proven wrong very quickly. From cheesy Looker, straight Buck, and the old but esoteric Charon, to the wise but fun Lucian, strained everyman Ryder, and abrasive Max, you do an amazing job at showing us their motives and complex personalities through their words, thoughts, and actions. All of the characters felt real and interesting, because you wrote them in a way that subtly (And not so subtly) fleshed them out and allowed the readers to really see things from their perspectives. I seriously like them all! Even the canon characters were done well.

And dear god do I love the dialogue! It's cheesy, but not in a "I'm trying very hard to be funny/serious" way, but rather in a fun, smooth, and naturalistic sort of way. Like something you'd expect from a good children's book or movie. Everything that the characters say range from meaningful to funny to witty to insightful to philosophic to everything in between. The conversations have a very nice flow and rhythm to them, carrying the story along in a smooth way, as if I really am passively listening to these guys talk, rather than straining my mind to read the words and try to imagine everything myself. The words and imagery just come naturally to me, which is probably one of the most important things you can have in a written story.

I also have to applaud you for your use of drama, emotions, and pacing. I can't explain why, but for some reason I felt as though everything came at me in the right amounts and right speed. None of the conversations dragged on for too long, none of the drama felt sudden or forced, and the characters naturally demonstrated a lot of emotion. It's almost beautiful, really. And I'm sure once all of the heavy action scenes come, you'll write them like a pro. After all, you had lots of practice with the UCA. XD

Overall, this is a great story for an amateur. Keep up the good work, Hayes! I hope to see this kind of skill improved upon and applied to Howl and Titan World in the future!

[HayesAJones]

TWO CAN PLAY THAT GAME, HAYES! TWOOOOOOOOO!

BRING IT ON.

-big review-

D'aaaaw, thanks, 'Pan! I really appreciate it.

I'm glad that you enjoy the dialogue, 'cause this is about the most dialogue-heavy thing I'm doing right now and, to be honest, that makes me a bit nervous. And while I'll admit I don't take this project nearly as seriously as stuff like Titan World, I still want it to be good enough for people top enjoy it and, if your review is anything to go by, mission accomplished then! If, "cheesy, but substantial" is the core of your review, then I'm very happy to hear it! That's right on the money of what I wanted to hit with this little tale of trainers and 'Mons.