Mystery Fiction Readers 3000: Episodes 1-8

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Mystery Fiction Readers 3000: Episodes 1-8

Postby Kubo » Thu May 30, 2013 3:47 pm

UltramanGoji wrote:In the not-too-distant future
Or whenever this takes place.
There was a guy named Tom,
Way too different from you and me.
He worked at Goodlover Institute,
Just another face that worked too much.
He went to a party thrown by his boss,
But I guess he didn't like him
So he shot him into space.

I'll send him cheesy fanfics,
The worst on the web (la-la-la).
He'll have to sit and read them all,
And I'll monitor his mind (la-la-la).
Now keep in mind Tom can't control
Where the stories are coming from (la-la-la)
He'll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his co-star friends!

Co-Star Roll Call:
Warren! (YEEHAW!)
Gengetsu! (At your service!)
Haaaayes! (Wait, I'm on?!)

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes
and other nerdy things (la la la),
Just repeat to yourself, "It's just a story,
I should really just relax
For Mystery Fiction Readers 3000!"

Discussion Thread: Click to Engage

Cast of Characters for Episode 1
Tom Servo - Kubo

Tom Servo cracks open an eye. Wherever he is, it smells heavily sanitized. He sits up and rubs his head. As he surveys his surroundings, he grows increasingly uneasy. The metallic, spherical room, the air-lock doors, the cold pizza on the white floor; he had fallen asleep on the doctor's satellite! It bore a sophisticated, science-like name that gave Tom a headache, and Tom had never been a fan of Dr. Goodlover's wacky space vessel. He recalled that Goodlover threw a party when it was completed, and Tom attended solely for the food and women (that Nurse Joy was a real heartthrob). He figures that no one bothered to wake him, so Tom fixes his brown hair that falls to his shoulders and heads to the exit. 

The air-lock door opens with a snake's hiss, and Tom proceeds through. Then, as his hands wrapped around the valve to open the door, he notices a beautiful display of blue, white, and green outside. 

"Is this a joke?" Tom grumbles as he recognizes the green, high-heeled boot of Italy. He returns to the room where had come from and stares out the panoramic window. The twinkling stars and cosmic titans move about him like a perpetual mobile, and Tom's mouth hangs open in confusion and awe. Dr. Goodlover had shot him into space!

Tom grows infuriated at the thought. How could his employer have done this to him? "I'm one of the hardest workers at Goodlover's Institute!" Surely, this was all a misunderstanding! 

Quickly, he rushes to the control room. A massive black screen rests on the right wall, facing out towards the stars. By the window, there is a control board with every possible lever, button, and knob your mind can imagine. Servo knows it well, though. In fact, it was his lone contribution to the satellite. So, he throws a few switches and dials in a combination and the screen buzzes to life. A black and white hourglass appears, and Servo groans. 

"I told him he should've gotten something other than Magic Jack Internet," Tom says. 

The hourglass disappears as does the static. In its place is the bald, sweaty head of Dr. Goodlover. He has a wry grin that fits almost too perfectly under his bushy black mustache. "Why hello, Tom! Good to see you!"

"Dr. Goodlover," Servo returns. He restrains himself from going ballistic because while Goodlover is a demented soul, he is the only person on earth capable of bringing Tom back safely.

"I was concerned that you hadn't survived the launch, but since you're awake now, I should probably explain myself," Goodlover says with a hint of resentment. Tom assumes the doctor would've enjoyed watching him run around the Satellite like a mouse in a maze, but there was something worse up his lab coat.

Dr. Goodlover stares off-screen as he speaks, clearly reading a teleprompter. "You've been sent on mission to test man's endure--Bob, for crying out loud, could you move the prompt a little faster? I'd like to get this done before Wheel of Fortune comes on." Dr. Goodlover fixes his thick black glasses and continues faster, "You've been sent on a pioneer mission to test man's capacity to endure terrible fan fictions. The first test story is from The plot revolves around Legolas and a little girl he finds in the woods." 

"That doesn't sound too bad," Tom says.

Goodlover's thick eyebrows raise and he sighs. "It's bad."

"Okay, it's bad."

"No, I don't think you understand, Tom. It's bad," Dr. Goodlover wipes a sweat bead from his forehead and holds a small yellow book in front of his face. "If you can read this and survive, then I'll bring you home safe and sound, though I can't ensure your mental stability afterwards."

Tom Servo dismisses the doctor's and warnings. "Yeah, yeah, I hear you loud and clear."

Dr. Goodlover takes a breath and resumes playing his evil self. "I'll be monitoring all of your vitals while you read, in case something spikes. And don't stop reading until you're completely finished!"

"What will you do if the whole thing goes according to plan?" Tom asks.

In a less than passable impersonation of Vincent Price, Goodlover declares, "I shall unleash the monstrosity upon all of mankind! Now get in the Study and start reading, you baboon!"

The old wooden door that was terribly out of place on the satellite opens, revealing a long hallway of other doors, each marked with a number. Servo takes one last look at Dr. Goodlover, who was eyeing him like a hawk.

Tom holds down the recording button and states in a monotone voice. "This is Tom Servo, preparing to begin Experiment #1."

The computer beeps. "Experiment has been approved. Transferring now."

Tom takes a deep breath and braces himself. The final door, a medieval gate, lifts. Almost against his will, Servo's feet drag him towards the Study. He presses the button one more time. "Tom Servo, signing out."

Test Subject(s): Tom C. Servo
Date: 5/31/2213

Legolas was riding along the woods 

[Servo: Because the woods are scary when you go in them.]

and one day he found a baby whaped in colth so he got off his horse and went to the baby 

[Servo: Sauron's latest innovation in capturing elves is closely being monitored as Legolas nears...]

 and then Legolas said"who left you here little one"and then the baby just cryed and then Legolas pick her up and hold her and then the baby stoped crying and then Legolas


 said"your name is going be Laura"and then Legolas and the baby went onto the horse and went back to the castle where he lived.Legolas said"father mother

[Servo: Or mother father, I always forget.]

 I found this little baby in the woods 

[Servo: 'Damnit, Legolas, that's the fifteenth one this week!']

and then Legolas mother got up and walked down and said"how can people put baby in the woodsand to die".

[Servo: 'You're drunk again aren't you?']

Then Legolas father said"we are going to keep her"

[Servo: She will be the headpiece to our banquet this evening. Chimchi, prepare the ovens!]

and then Legolas was happy for someriseing.

10 Years Later

[Servo: The feast remained a night to remember for all those in attendance.]

Legolas got up and went into Laura's room and said"good moring"and then Laura said "good moring too".

[Servo: The letter 'n', ladies and gentlemen.]

Then Legolas said"whats a matter"and then Laura said"Legolas I want to know how to ride a horse".

[Servo: skreeonk, please!]

Then Legolas said"Ok"and then Legolas said"first you get dresses and have something to eat and then we will go for a horse ride lesson".Mean while Strider and Gandalf was rideing towards where Legolas lived and then Strider said"Gandalf I did not know Legolas had a sister"and then Gandalf said"I did not know aswell".

[Servo: The feelings of exclusion from the Elven kingdom begin to settle in.]

Mean While at Mondor the dark lord was planing to kidnap the princess but not Legolas.

[Servo: Oh sure, pick on the one who can't a ride a horse...dickweed.]

Then the boss of the Orcs came and said"I'll get her for you sir"and then the Dark lord said"yes you can".

Mean while Legolas and Laura was horseriding and then Laura said"Legolas whos that"and then Legolas looked and it was Gandalf and Strider.

[Servo: 'Fetch me my longsword! Quick!']

Legolas said"that is Gandalf and Strdier"and then Strider said"Legolas"and then Legolas said"Strider long time seen" and then Strider said"hows you"

[Servo: 'You'll have to forgive Strider...he's been hanging around in the ghetto lately.']

and then Legolas said"I am fine"and then Gandalf said"whos this then"and then Legolas said"meet Laura I found her in the woods when she was just a baby".Laura was shy at first and then Legolas said"Laura come and meet Strider and Gandalf"and then Laura said"hello I am Laura".Legolas said"she is the princess"and then Strider said"she is so cute"

[Servo: You know what else she is? A minor.]

and then Legolas said"that will be my falut"and then Gandalf said"why"and then Laura said"he protects me thats why"

[Servo: She may be young, but she knows how to keep the pedophiles at bay.]

and then Legolas looked up and said"I think we should go back to the castle"and then Laura said"I can feel it too".

[Servo: Darling, that feeling is only because you're riding on the saddle wrong.]

Legolas said"do you want to stay for a night"and then Gandalf and Strider said"yes please"

[Servo: I'm sure Legolas is thinking about stationing a battalion of Elven warriors around Laura tonight with these two staying in the castle.]

and then they had tea and went to bed.During the night Legolas ask the gards to keep an eye on Laura's room.

[Servo: Legolas is a wise man...]

Mean while the Orcs climed up the window and grabed Laura 

[Servo: Doh! Who left the safety lock unlocked?]

and then Laura woke up and screamed and then the gard went into her room and saw lots of Orcs and then Legolas ran down the hall.Then Legolas said"where is Laura"and then the gards said"the Orcs took her". 

[Servo: 'And you all wonder why Rohan and Gondor laugh at you every time we go out to fight.']

Mean while the Orcs was back at Mondor and then Laura said"put me down"and then the Orcs did 

[Servo: Ohp! Simon didn't say!]

and then the Dark lord came out of the fire and said"welcome Laura"and then Laura looked at him and said"no it can't be"and then she tryed to run away but the Orcs got her.

[Servo: You know, this would've been so much easier if they just held her.]

Then the Dark lord said"put her into the cell and bet her and also do what ever you want with her but do not kill her".Then the Orcs took her to the cell and trow her into the cell and then they shut the door.Laura go up and went to the window and looked out and she was wishing that Legolas or someone will save her.

Mean while back at the castle of Milkwood Legolas was getting the army ready to go and save Laura.Mean while Laura was sitting on the floor and then the door opened and it was some Orcs and the Orcs tied Laura with some chains and then one of the Orcs striped her and then he raped her

[Servo: The feelings from her horseback riding came rushing back in an instant.]

 and then Laura said"go away you bastard".Then another Orc came with a whip and whiped her hard and then the Orcs all togeter bet her almost to death and then the Dark Lord came in with a tube of Posion and then he injeted into Laura. 

[Servo: Laura had an allergic reaction and died a slow and painful death, much to the Dark Lord's dislike.]

Few hours later

Legolas and the others was on the way to Mondor to save princess Laura.Mean while in the cell where Laura was been kept Laura woke up and she looked on her body there was blood and scars she only could move her right arm but not her left.Then Laura said"I feel so cold"and then she can't see very well.

[Servo: They took her glasses! Those monsters!]

At the frount gates of Mondor was Legolas and the others and then they said"let Laura go"and then the Dark lord said"no"

[Servo: 'Damn. Okay, let's all go back home now. We did all that we could to save Laura.']

and then Legolas said"right lisson I'll will clim up to the cell and get Laura and you and the others will find another way in.Then Strider said"alright" and then Legolas started to clim up.Mean while Strider and the others ran into Mondor and went into the castle.

[Servo: Thank heavens the Dark Lord didn't lock his front door, right guys?]

Gandalf said"I'll will go and kill the Dark lord and you and the others go and help Legolas".Strdier said"becareful"and then Gandalf said"I will don't you worry about me".

Mean while Legolas got to the cell where Laura is.Legolas said"Laura are you in there"and then Laura said"Oh Legolas you finally came"

[Servo: Hey, c'mon now, I have trouble just getting it up.]

and then Legolas said"are you alright"and then Laura said"no I am not alright"and then Legolas said"they bet you up and raped you also the Dark lord gave you the posion"and then Laura said"how did you know that".

[Servo: I watched it all. It was globally broadcasted, can you believe it?!]

Then Legolas said"when I was your age they did the samething to me".Then Laura said"can you get me out of here"and then Legolas said"ok stand back"and then he ran back and ran towards the door and knock it down.

Laura said"wow"and then Legolas looked and saw she was coved in Blood and scars also she was naked
[Servo: Suddenly, stone.]

"and then Legolas said"why they did it to you not me"and then the Orcs came and said"because she got a power and she can distoy us all the bad guys"

[Servo: And she hasn't done that because...?]

Then the fright began

Legolas got out his bow and arrows andstarted fireing at them.Then Legolas saw some swords and said"Strider is that you"

[Servo: The swords failed to respond to Legolas's inquiry.]

and then Strider said"yes it is"and then Legolas and the others started to kill the Orcs.Mean while Gandalf is have a fun time trying to distory the Dark lord.

[Servo: I think we all know who the real dark lord is here.]

Gandalf said"I wish Frodo and Merry and Pippen and Sam was here"and then a sword came out of nowhere and said"some wished us here"and then Gandalf turned and said"Frodo baggins why you doing here".Then Frodo said"we came to help you and also we got rid of the ring"and then the Dark Lord said"oh no"and then the magical powers from Gandalf distoryed the Dark lord. 

[Servo: That basically sums up the whole trilogy. Now you don't even need to see the movies.]

Mean while Legolas and Strider and the others was helping Laura down and Strider took off his cape and put it around Laura.

[Servo: How do you like the smell of chloroform?]


Legolas and the others are on the way back to the castle.Legolas said"we must go to Rivendell to get Laura better".Then Gandalf said"I think you are right"and then they turned around and went to Rivendell.Legolas looked down on Laura and put his hand onto Laura's head and she was bruning up.Strider went aside of Legolas horse and looked and said"she is getting wose"

[Servo: That's because you're working her too hard!]

and then Legolas said"I know".


They were at Rivendell and Legolas stayed at Laura's side everyday intill she wakes up 

[Servo: No doctor's required.]

and then Legolas kissed Laura on her lips and then she moved her arms around Legolas and then Legolas said"all you alright"and then Laura said"yes I am".Legolas said"I am soo happy"and then Laura said"Do you want to be my boyfriend"and then Legolas said"yes I will be your boyfriend"

[Servo: Only if I'm the one wearing the pants in this relationship.]

and then Laura and Legolas kissed again.Laura said"what happened to me Legolas"and then Legolas said"you got kidnaped by the Orcs and they raped you and also bet you almost to death and then the Dark lord gave you some posion"

[Servo: And you were naked. That's the part I remembered best.]

and then Laura said"why I can only move on arm"and then Legolas said"your left arm is broken".Then the door opened and it was Strider

[Servo: Go away, Laura has already chosen me!]

 and then Laura said"Hello Strider"and then Strider said"I see you are awake"and then Laura

End Transmission

Servo marches out of the Study. When Dr. Goodlover sees him, he can hardly believe his eyes. Tom looks better than he had before the test!

"How is this possible?" the mad scientist wails. "I thought I had found the worst story in the world! That should've killed you!"

"It looks like you'll have to wait another day to rule the world, Dr. Goodlover," Servo replies. "Now bring me home, so I can get Peter Jackson to bring this gem to life!"

"No! No!" Dr. Goodlover screams. He points at Servo with in controllable fury. "This isn't over! I must find the worst story in the world! And you're going to stay there until I find it!"

"You're insane! And to think I coveted Bob's job!"
Tom shook his head. "I want out!"

"Too late!"  Dr. Goodlover laughs and pulls a cheap remote with a huge antennae on it. "I'm the only one who can control your orbit around the earth. You will do as I say or your little satellite and you will be history!"

Tom is speechless, unsure how to react. He turns and gazes out the window. Hundreds of miles below, the blue and green palette of home reels around. How hopeless it seems to Tom that he would ever set foot on that planet again or even breathe its air. 

Dr. Goodlover notices Tom's saddened demeanor and smirks. "Don't look so sad, cadet. I know it must be lonely by yourself, so I made sure to send some company, though some assembly may be required."

"What do you mean?" Servo asks, looking back at Dr. Goodlover. 

"Check out the cargo bay downstairs. I had two robots sent up as well as a cryogenically frozen woman, or demon chick...frankly, I'm not sure what she is," Goodlover's brow furrows, his bushy eyebrows perking as he thinks. They soften, and he resumes speaking, "Well, I better end this transmission! I have a date with Nurse Joy tonight!"

Tom starts, the name jotting his memory. "Hey! That's my woman!" 

"What are you going to do, space man?" Dr. Goodlover taunts. 

Before Tom can make a comeback, the screen flashes and the hourglass reappears. 

The computer states in its bland voice, "Transmission ended."

That's a wrap!
Last edited by Kubo on Sat Jun 30, 2018 10:36 pm, edited 12 times in total.
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Mystery Fiction Readers 3000: Garfield's Royal Rescue

Postby Kubo » Wed Jul 10, 2013 9:29 pm

Cast of Characters for Episode 2
Tom Servo - Kubo
H.A.Y.E.S. - HayesAJones
Warren - Ultraman Goji
Minerva - Giratina93

Servo clutches the arm of the H.A.Y.E.S. robot in frustration. Three hours of unfruitful work trying to assemble the machine has made him seriously considering chucking the clunky arm out the air lock. And the whole robot, for that matter. Servo hasn't bothered to touch either of the other two boxes, but he felt that his task was far from over. 

Without warning, the central display panel flashes alive. Dr. Goodlover appears, tapping his fingers together like a chess player a move away from checkmate. "Guten Tag, Herr Servo!"

"Ah, put a sock in it," Tom groans in response. "I'm not in the mood to deal with your shenanigans." He takes up a screwdriver in his hand and tightens a screw in H.A.Y.E.S.'s arm. 

Goodlover notices the disassembled robot on the floor and he grunts. "When I had said assembly required, I was only kidding. I sent them all completed. That one must've broken apart somehow...he was always a troublemaker in the laboratory though, so I shouldn't be too surprised that he managed to destroy himself."

"So I'm stuck up here with a mentally disturbed robot then?" Tom grumbles. 

"Actually, make that two mentally disturbed robots and a weird inter-dimensional being, who may be the worst of them," the doctor reports. He fixes his black glasses and sighs. "I probably should've figured out where she came from before I shipped her onto the satellite..."

"You think?" Servo shouts. The stubborn joint piece of H.A.Y.E.S. cracks and the arm fits in comfortably.

Goodlover threw up his arms and laughed. "Oh well! Your problem now, Tom."

"Thanks a lot."

A pasty tortoise-looking boy pokes up behind Dr. Goodlover. He taps the doc on the shoulder and squeals in a grinding Boston accent, "I got you that story you wanted to send to Servo on the satellite!"

Tom jolts up, dropping the screwdriver and for the first time in what seemed like forever taking his mind off of constructing H.A.Y.E.S. "I am not reading one of those stories today! Absolutely freaking not!"

Dr. Goodlover shrugs and pulls in the boy, holding him under a shrimpy arm. In an undisguised confiding, he says, "Prep the obituary reports."

"Hold the phone doctor, because I want to order some pizza!" a gruff synthetic voice demands. Tom spins around and sees the H.A.Y.E.S. robot's head grinding its white square teeth in crazed madness.

"I didn't turn you on yet!" Tom cries in shock.

"Only the fairer sex has that privilege. Shabang!" H.A.Y.E.S. cackles and his eyes spin around in circles. 

"Someone kill me," Tom mutters.

"I'll send up two copies of the story while you two get acquainted with each other," Dr. Goodlover says. "The story is called--"

"We should wake up Warren and the demon chick! Do it! Do it! Do it!" H.A.Y.E.S. yaps. 

Tom looks at the robot, then Dr. Goodlover, then the robot, and then back to the doctor. After a long pause, he says bluntly, "Send up four copies."

At the news of the other's awakening, H.A.Y.E.S. proceeds to yodel an old diddie from the Alps. Tom plucks the mechanical head off the ground and places it on the shoulders of the red robot. It clicks into place. Next thing Tom knew, H.A.Y.E.S. was hurrying around the room, knocking on the two boxes and rubbing his chin as if he was in deep thought. Then, in an "A-ha" moment, he karate chops the box labeled "True Capitalist Dinosaur". It explodes into billions of splinters and reveals a blue and white Tyrannosaurus Rex with goofy bug eyes and a set of rounded teeth. 

"Tom meet Warren, the most sophisticated gentleman you'll ever meet," H.A.Y.E.S. proclaims.

Warren lifts his mechanical head in the air and tries to cross his little t-rex arms, but after unsuccessfully attempting that, he let's them hang down. "My good friend Hayes, I require a top hat and monocle for the party in the other room."

H.A.Y.E.S.'s head spins around and he points to Dr. Goodlover. "Hey, Skindome, beam up a hat and monocle so Warren can act like the Monopoly man."

Dr. Goodlover steams, his face reddening as he replies, "I hate it when you call me that..."

The third box suddenly explodes. All in the room as well as Dr. Goodlover jump in surprise. In the rubble, something stirs. Tom hesitates, then decides to go over to the third box. No one speaks, and each step taken echoes in the spherical room. 

"Hello?" Tom utters. He waves his hand in the smoke to clear it, but is startled when it is clutched by another. Tom shrieks and pulls back. He loses his balance and falls backwards, and the demon lands on top of him. Tom catches a whiff of a sweet perfume, and removes his head from the demon's white hair. 

"Hey, look, Warren!" H.A.Y.E.S. exclaims. "The demon likes Tom!"

Both robots proceed to laugh crazily as Minerva and Tom untangle themselves. 

"Now that you're all awake, I want to tell you a little bit about the story I have sent to you," Dr. Goodlover says.

"Lay it on us, chap," Warren states with the most fancy of accents.

"It's called Garfield's Royal Rescue. Apparently, the author was strongly opposed to the recent royal marriage." Goodlover sighs, the horrible filth of an overview alone weighing down his soul. His last sentence comes out drenched in dread. "You've never seen Garfield quite like this."

"I love Garfield!" Warren screams. He jumps up and down ecstatically.

H.A.Y.E.S. grabs Warren and Tom and yanks them close. "Let's go in that room and PARTY GARFIELD STYLE!" 

Minerva brushes off some of the frost on her red jumpsuit (embroidered with a symbol of two little pink devil horns) and stares at H.A.Y.E.S. "I came here to read the works of the finest authors in this realm. I do not have any plans to party while doing so."

The wooden door opens, followed by the random assortment of doors after. Dr. Goodlover waves at his guinea pigs stuck in space. "Have a good time, darlings!"

Tom presses the button on the main panel. "Tom Servo, signing out."

Test Subject(s): Tom C. Servo, H.A.Y.E.S., True Capitalist Robot (Warren), Minerva
Date: 7/9/2213

Garfield: Royal Rescue

Garfield was relaxing having some scotch and lasagna...

[H.A.Y.E.S: The only two things that could make him forget the monotonous nightmare that was life.]

...when Jon Arbuckle came with emergency news.

"Garfield it is terrible I have the bad news." ...

[Warren: Unfortunately, the Bears are still hibernating.]

... Jon Arbuckle Said with crying words.

"Stop your sob stories and give me your thoughts." Garfield said with serious demands.

"It is terrible Garfield, Kate Middleton and Prince William are getting married but you are not invited!" Jon Arbuckle said with outrage.

[Servo: 'The church they're getting married in has a strict no-cat policy.']

"This is lies!" Roared Garfield with angry voice.

[Servo; 'I must drink vodka to calm feelings!']

"It is true. Look and see." Jon Arbuckle showed Garfield a letter that came through mail boxes.

"Dear Garfield, you are not invited to royal wedding. Sincerely Royal England Family." Said the letter with insults.

[H.A.Y.E.S: Man, I wish I was sent letters telling me whether to show up or not so specifically. I mean, sometimes they get lost in the mail and you wonder whether you were really invited and show up anyway and end up hiding under a table for five hours when you realize you weren't, am I right, guys? Huh? Oh... just me then...]

"INVITE THIS." Shouted Garfield as he tore up the letter with manly hands.

"This is last straw. I will not stand for insults to humanity." Garfield cried out to the ceiling with fist clenched with justice.


[H.A.Y.E.S: Wait, what were the first straws? Does the royal English family really have time to feud with a cat?]

"What will you do Garfield?" Asked Jon Arbuckle with wondering.

"I will do what any good man does when insulted with words. I will crush wedding with righteousness." Garfield roared with determination.

[Servo: 'And then I drink vodka to celebrate.']


"It will be dangerous. Royal edicts are there with power." Jon Arbuckle warned with caution.

"The only edict I serve is my fist." Said Garfield as he walked out with intentions.

[Warren: And the cat was abruptly hit by a car.]

[Servo: The last words of a very, very sad little cat.]

Meanwhile in England Buckingham Palace Prince William and Kate Middleton were getting ready for marriage ceremonies.

"Kate Middleton soon we will be in marriage and all will be well. You will be princess of England and all will bow to you." Said Prince William with celebration.

[Warren: “Yes, they will all bow to RITA REPULS- wait, wrong franchise…”]

"Yes I am happiness. But I wish Garfield was here. I am missing Garfields macho charm and rugged good looks." Kate Middleton said with distant longing.

[Minerva: “Garfield was the only thing that gave me meaning to life. He was much nicer than you are.”]

[H.A.Y.E.S: Wait, how come Garfield gets to hang out with royalty? They haven't answered any of the seventy-two letters I've sent them this year! What does that cat have that I don't?]

"FORGET GARFIELD. He is not coming for as long as I am Prince of this land. You will be mine and mine alone." Said Prince William grasping Kate Middleton tightly.

"But." Said Kate Middleton with whimper.

"There will be no buts for YOU.  No cat no matter how manly will steal my woman!" Shouted Prince William with anger.

"Oh, Garfield…" Cried out Kate Middleton with wanting.

[Servo: 'Oh, Chester A. Garfield, what a president you were.']

Meanwhile Garfield was getting ready for trip to lovely country of England.

"Time to prepare for my British vacation. My only souvenir will be flaming vengeance." Garfield said as he packed his things.

[Servo: I'm sure customs will have a field day with that.]

[H.A.Y.E.S: Aw, ya' know, I always wanna get flaming vengeance, but I just end up being a cheapskate and getting the regular kind.] 

[Minerva: Is it me.. or is Garfield a lot less lazy, sarcastic, and fat than he usually is? Maybe it’s the lasagna he ate, I don’t know…]

"Garfield be careful of stress it is killer with heart disease and cholesterol." Jon Arbuckle warned with advice.

"I have no time for stress, there is British damsel that needs saving." Garfield said with stern voice.

[H.A.Y.E.S: He was dead not two hours later.]

"Farewell Jon Arbuckle. Hold down fort when I am gone." Garfield said as he left for adventure.

[Warren: That dastardly mailman carries a .22!]

"You know it Garfield. Show them what a real man is made of." Jon Arbuckle said as he grasped Garfields arm for manly handshake.

Garfield then boarded his jet and lifted off for take off with thunder like speed. 

[H.A.Y.E.S: ... disintegrating immediately.]

Garfield soared through the sky over oceans and oceans until he came to Island of England.

[Servo: Or, as it's better known, Monster Island.]

 Garfield then braked his jet and prepared for jumping.

[Minerva: All that time eating lasagna made him into a cat of great wealth. Eat your lasagna, people. You could end up just like him.]

"Time for a British invasion." Said Garfield as he leaped out of Jet into country of Great Britain to administer justice like a Prime Minister of iron.

[Servo: Mother Russia would be proud.]

[H.A.Y.E.S: The British version of Iron Man never got off the ground in terms of popularity, although he does enjoy a certain cult following.]

Garfield opened his parachute with lasagna logo...

[Warren: I’m too depressed by this story to make a Batman joke.]

...but was in no mood for playtime.

[Servo: So he put his G.I. Joe action figures away.]

"Parachutes are for little girls and babies in wheelchairs." Said Garfield as he cut his parachute off for free fall fun.

Meanwhile in Buckingham palace Prince William was dressing up in wedding clothes. All of a sudden he sensed great power.

[H.A.Y.E.S: He ignored the corresponding sense of great responsibility, much to the dismay of a certain Ben Parker.]

"No it can not be it must being my imagination playing tricks on me." Said Prince William with self delusional fear.

[Minerva: “It’s a trick… just a trick…”]

"Prince William we are almost ready for the wedding." Said the servants.

"Very well I am almost ready. Now leave before I am lashing your back." Roared Prince William with anger.

[Warren: Jeez, is this a Garfield fanfic or a Jurassic Park one?]

"Yes my master." Said the servants with cowering.

[Servo: All of the servants share the same back. Like little conjoined hunchbacks.]

The Queen of England than entered Prince Williams room with words.

[Servo: Words like "Old", and "Mothballs" and "Expired".]

"This is your special day. Yet I am unsure you have proven true manhood." Said The Queen of England.

"I am true man. All will England will see." Said Prince William with defiance.

[Minerva: “My ever-growing manliness causes my grammer to decay, but who cares!”]

"Why have you not invited Garfield? Do you fear to face real man?" Asked the Queen of England with challenge.

"I fear no man or cat!" Shouted Prince William as he tossed champagne glass at mirror shattering all into millions in fits of anger.

"I am the prince of all English! 

[H.A.Y.E.S: I am Author, king of the Brits!]

All will cower before my monarchial might! Not even Garfield can defeat me!" Declared Prince William with royal decree.

Meanwhile Garfield was walking in streets of London with purpose. As Garfield walked with strength steps...


...Englishmen cheered him and shouted his name with joy.

"GARFIELD. GARFIELD." Cheered the Englishmen as Garfield walked to Buckingham Palace.


Garfield walked with sternness and determination to destination for he was on mission. 

[Servo: Hadn't picked up on the mission, but thanks for clarifying that for the millionth time.]

Garfield walked and walked until he came to Buckingham Palace gates.

[H.A.Y.E.S: Seven weeks after the wedding.]

"No gate can take my power!" Garfield bellowed with majesticness as he punched down gate with one punch.

[Warren: A throbbing pain soon followed.]

Garfield marched with purpose in feet as stormed to wedding place of matrimony. Royal Guards came rushing to arrest him but they were not of match.

"There is Garfield! Arrest him in the name of prince!" Shouted the Guards with princely loyalty.

[Minerva: Yes, take on the cat that just punched a gate out in one hit. I’m sure you’ll succeed.]

"Relax my English hombres you are being relieved of duty." Said Garfield chilly as hit royal guards with fists and feet of speed like typhoon sending them flying miles high and exploding.

[Servo: Oh...]

[Warren: As per the Michael Bay Act of 1845, all Royal Guards must be filled with explosives.]

Garfield picked up a guard and raised him high in air like feather.

"Here why not enjoy delicacy of fresh fish and chips. " Quipped Garfield as he tossed the guard into the sea.

"There is plenty of salt for you in there." Said Garfield with cleverness as he walked away.

[Servo: Clever for a drunk cat.]

Garfield marched on his mission until he came to wedding parties with food and drink. More Guards came for ambushing but Garfield handled it like man.

"It is tea time have a sip." Said Garfield as he took tea kettle and tossed it at the guards.

"AHH NO." Cried out the guards as the tea melted them into skeletons.

[Warren: Fresh Green Tea! Straight from the Ark of the Covenant!]

Garfield came on table of food with wedding guests sitting around on celebration.

[Servo: That's just sick, man.]

"No lasagna? What is the blasphemy!" Garfield roared in anger as he threw table on wedding guests.


"Lasagna is food of warriors and kings. Do not be forgetting this you worms." Garfield roared as he walked on.

[H.A.Y.E.S: Garfield's descent into madness was marked by the blood of a dozen innocents.]

Garfield soon came upon wedding ceremony with Prince William and Kate Middleton at alter being wed. Everyone heard Garfields manly footsteps like thunder in the sea. Prince William Turned around saw his fears become realities.


"GARFIELD?" Yelled out Prince William in tones of squealing horror.

Warren: Puberty has yet to make an appearance.

"How rude have you not heard royal tradition? It is the rules that I am first to have woman before marriage." Garfield stated with cold fact.

[Servo: The Queen of England was seen shooting flirtatious looks at Garfield all the while.]

"Garfield you will never have my woman! I am prince I am above all!" Declared Prince William with arrogant laugh.

[Servo: Except the queen, king, and aces if they're high.]

Garfield looked at Prince William with eyes of seeing and spoke with words of saying.

"Even princes must obey the law of the fist. But do not being worrying for I will give you fair trial. Here is the JUDGE and here is the JURY." Garfield said as he raised his two fists for showing.

[H.A.Y.E.S: The standard judicial setup in post-modern America is a one-cat trail.]

"Enough nonsense! Feel might of royal jewels!" Said Prince William as he snapped his fingers.

At Prince Williams commands noise was heard. Mighty Big Ben transformed into giant laser cannon and aimed at Garfield with blasting intent.

[Minerva: “I made Big Ben into a death weapon when I was bored. No one else noticed.”]

"Tick Tock it is 12 o'clock. Time to die!" Said Prince William with mocking words.

At these words Big Ben fired at Garfield with beams of fury. However Garfield was not laser fazed and backhanded laser beam with ease.

" IMPOSSIBLE." Cried out Prince William with shock.

[Servo: Hear, hear!]

"Do you not learn physics in prince school? Lasers bounce off of my mighty man muscle." Garfield tutored with teachings.

[H.A.Y.E.S: Huh, I must have slept through that chapter.]

"I silence your mockery forever! Die!" Yelled Prince William as he took out long sword and thrust it at Garfield, but Garfield caught his arm in midair and crushed bones with crab like grip.

"It looks like your time has just run up." Quipped Garfield as he tossed Prince William into Big Ben exploding them both.

[Warren: Seems like they’ve been reading Horatio’s diary.]

"NOOOOO." Cried out Prince William as he crashed into Big Ben for explosion.

"Good night, sweet prince." Said Garfield with cool words as he walked away.

[Servo: Garfield's reenactment of Hamlet was met with negative critical reception.]

After victory Kate Middleton ran to Garfield and embraced him with arms.

"Garfield thank you. When I was marrying him I only thought of you." Thanked Kate Middleton with gratitude.

[Minerva: “I thought we could have a threesome, if you wouldn’t mind.”]

"No problem my British biscuit. You must save me juicy piece of your shepherd's pie." Garfield responded with flirtations.

[H.A.Y.E.S: Uh, I think that's less like "flirtations," and more like "sexual harassment."]

"Garfield you are true hero and real man. We want to make you honorary king of England." Queen Elizabeth said with royal orders.

[Servo: 'Who cares if you killed dozens of people and destroyed the one of the most important buildings in Great Britain, right?']

"I am sorry but I am busy living fast life of fast adventures and faster women." Garfield rejected with sympathies.

[Warren: But it said “royal orders!”]

"Very well at least accept position of Duke of Ireland." Said the Queen of England.

"Fine but I must first be attending to important business." Said Garfield as he picked up Kate Middleton and brought her to royal bedroom where he could show her how real men love women.

[Minerva: I’ve seen enough My Little Pony Fanficts to know where this is going.]

"Garfield please make me your queen." Said Kate Middleton with warm tone.

[Servo: This is getting awkward...]

"I do not have castle to give you but I have a mighty tower for you to climb." Garfield Said with seduction.

[Servo: Yep...]

"Garfield I want you to joust me like valiant knight." Kate Middleton cried out with desire.

[Servo: ...I think I'm going to just go outside now.]

Garfield then rode Kate Middleton like mighty knight taming wild stallion. With mighty force Garfield Jousted Kate Middleton with manly lance into late hours of night and all heard sound of their romances.

The end…?

[All: Oh, please let it be.]

End Transmission

"After all of that hullabaloo, I could really go for some lasagna," H.A.Y.E.S. says, patting his metal stomach eagerly.

The rest of the group hardly shares H.A.Y.E.S. appetite though. Tom, in fact, looks green in the face. Minerva rolls her eyes and folds her arms. She sits down on the white floor and says, "I don't think the word lasagna should be used onboard this ship for the next week, and if it is, things won't be pretty."

H.A.Y.E.S. jaw shuts tightly. He follows Tom and Warren to the control panel. Tom jiggles a couple knobs here and a few switches there and the huge screen buzzes to life. Rather than Dr. Goodlover's atrocious face, the small boy's that had been lingering behind the mad scientist earlier sneers at them. "Oh, c'mon! You all survived!" 

He shouts off-camera, "The Garfield story didn't melt their brains, doc!"

"Bob? Is that you?" Dr. Goodlover's voice is filled with confusion and rage. "What are you doing over there? Nobody wants to see that fat pasty face of yours!"

Dr. Goodlover promptly yanks Bob away and appears in the boy's place. He has lasagna splattered in his prickly mustache and lips and looks as though he had eaten way more than he should have. "Garfield was right about the lasagna bit. You know, the whole 'real men and warriors eat lasagna' thing. But boy, does it sit in your stomach!"

"That's a real shame," Tom replies, nodding his head sympathetically, though his voice did not carry the same emotion.

"I know!" Dr. Goodlover burps. His hand clasps his mouth momentarily and then he resumes, "Next experiment will be a real doozy, I assure you."

"Don't tell us the poor communist guy made a sequel to this turd," Warren moans.

Dr. Goodlover smirks. "You'll wish he did after you've read this next one!" Abruptly, the doctor's hands fall to his stomach. Beads of sweat form on his forehead. "I'm signing out now! Oh man, oh man, I got to take the mother of all--"

The screen projects a pixelated hourglass and Tom, Minerva, and the robots are on their own in space once more.

The computer states in its bland voice, "Transmission ended."

That's a wrap!
Last edited by Kubo on Thu Dec 18, 2014 11:41 am, edited 2 times in total.

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Mystery Fiction Readers 3000: Soulless Shell

Postby Kubo » Mon Aug 19, 2013 6:23 pm

Cast of Characters for Episode 3
Tom Servo - Kubo
H.A.Y.E.S. - HayesAJones
Warren - Ultraman Goji
Special Guest: Kiryu - Kiryu2012

“I am so bored!” H.A.Y.E.S. shrieks, throwing his arms up in discontent. He, Warren, and Tom had sat in the control room long enough that Warren had dozed off and Tom’s eyes were struggling to stay open. Only an occasional slouch of his head would force him to stay awake. How desperately he wishes he had a nice, cozy bed to lie on. There were a couple in the barracks, but Minerva had taken them all for herself, going so far as to create a fort out of the water mattresses and bed frames, complete with a high-caliber machine gun on top.

“Women suck,” Tom mutters.

“It’s just her time of the month, man,” Hayes replies.

Tom changes positions, from sitting against the wall to lying stomach-down on the floor. “Do you think she’ll even want to read one of Goodlover’s stories today?”

H.A.Y.E.S. shrugs, and then stands up. “Only one way to find out.”

The robot waddles over to the locked door separating him from Minerva’s castle. He presses himself against it and knocks quietly. “Minerva, are you going to be in the episode today?”

There is a groan and a squishing of water. Minerva must’ve been sleeping. “Let’s just say if you even think about coming in to get me today, I’ll subject you to ages of torture reserved for those in the ninth ring of Hell. And if that isn’t enough, I will beat you into a pile of dust with a water mattress and have Warren sniff up your remains.”

H.A.Y.E.S. backs away slowly and slinks down next to Tom, his whole frame shaking.

“Well, is she?” Tom asks.

The robot nods, trying his best to keep his frayed nerves under control. “There’s definitely a chance.”

“Oh, great!” Tom exclaims. He rolls onto his back and his arms stretch outwards

“Yeah, yeah, real great.”

There is a barely noticeable rumbling underneath the ship. Had it always been there? Tom thinks. It was one of those sounds that could only truly be heard by an accidentally vacant mind. If there was a single other noise, it would fade into the back of his mind until another droning silence occurred.

Suddenly, Warren flails and writhes about. He whimpers and throws his arms in the air, mumbling incoherently, “No! I will not let you pee on my Texas Toast! Stop it! No, don’t pee on me either!”

H.A.Y.E.S. scrambles over to his dinosaur friend and shakes him awake. “Warren! Nobody’s urinating on you! Wake up!”

Warren’s eyes flash open and he gasps for air. If his face could show color, it’d be paler than death. “I just had the most awful nightmare.”

“It’s okay now. You’re awake.”

Tom slides over to Warren on his back and sits up. The flamboyant robot had clearly been shaken up by the dream. His mouth is open, and his eyes furiously dart around to make sure he knew where he was. “What did you see in your dream?”

“There was a monster. A monster onboard the Satellite of Hate. He carried with him a terrible story, of which had more tests for the main character than the universe had ever seen before. Tom, I’m frightened for us. It was so vivid, that dream. I’m not one to fall for the whole psychic act, but this…this is something different.”

“We’ll be okay. The doctor will call us soon, we’ll get our story, and have ourselves a good laugh. How does that sound?” Tom puts his hand on Warren’s shoulder and feels the trembling lessen.

“How did the whole peeing on Texas Toast fit into that dream?” H.A.Y.E.S. ponders.

Warren stares at H.A.Y.E.S. His eyes squint and quietly he replies, “That is a story for another time, my friend.”

Tom recognizes the rumbling has stopped, and replacing it is a slow marching. He turns to H.A.Y.E.S. “Do you hear that?”

H.A.Y.E.S. nods. “Either it’s Minerva or…” The rest of the sentence never comes out. It wasn’t in their best interest to send Warren into total hysteria again over an only plausible idea.

The footsteps grow louder. They had traveled up to the main floor, and now could be heard in the recreation room. Warren’s head spins around, focusing on the door. The heaviness of the steps eliminated the possibility of it being Minerva. Something, or someone, had boarded their ship.

“Is the door locked, H.A.Y.E.S.?” Tom whispers.

“Why would I have bothered locking it? I thought the real threat would come from the barracks, not from outer space!”

Tom instinctively throws himself against the barrack door. “Minerva, let us in. Let us in right now, I’m so freaking serious,” he strains, keeping his voice low so as to prevent the intruder from hearing. “There is something or somebody on the ship.”

“I asked for an episode off. Now leave me alone!”

“Minerva, please—“

The door lifts, revealing a hulking figure that would tower over even the amazon Minerva. His name is…Kiryu. He is dressed in a black spacesuit, and he has a helmet tucked under his arm. In each hand, he holds two books, and all of them are identical. In a gruff voice, similar to that of Clint Eastwood, he speaks. “I hear you guys like terrible stories.”

H.A.Y.E.S. and Warren both are paralyzed with fear. Tom removes himself from the barrack door and stares at the colossus with horrified eyes. “We don’t like them, per say. You see, we’re sort of this one guy back on earth’s guinea pigs because he’s trying to take over the world, and—“

“You guys like bad stories.,” the alien insists. He throws down three books in front of H.A.Y.E.S., Warren, and Tom and smiles. “You should read this one.”

Tom opens his mouth to complain, but H.A.Y.E.S. decides to answer instead, “That sounds like a great idea. You know, my father, a great man, looked just like you. All muscular and…intimidating.”

“Where is the demon?” the alien asks, oblivious to the fact that he had cut H.A.Y.E.S. off.

“Not in this episode,” Tom replies.

“Good, so I won’t have to kill her and take her position as the fourth character. I was feeling a little tuckered out anyways.”

The robots and Tom all remain silent after that statement. With no signs of Dr. Goodlover presenting the crew with a devilish story, Tom moves to the control panel and presses the button to record the data. Might as well, for the sake of documenting the events that were about to unfold.

“Tom Servo, preparing to initiate Experiment #0.”

“Error; no experiment is approved for today by Doctor Goodlover.”

“Alright then,” Tom huffs, tapping his fingers against the metal panel. “Looks like we can’t do the experiment in the library.”

Kiryu’s fist bangs the side of the contraption, causing it to spark. The computer spews out a few ‘errors’, and then says, “Experiment #0 has been approved. Have a nice day.”

Tom looks at Kiryu in surprise. The alien shrugs and begins walking over to the opening medieval gate. “You have to be a little rough sometimes to get what you want.”

H.A.Y.E.S. and Warren follow Kiryu into the Study, leaving Tom to do the honors. He holds down the button one more time, “Tom Servo, signing out.

Test Subject(s): Tom C. Servo, H.A.Y.E.S., True Capitalist Robot (Warren), Kiryu
Date: 8/19/2213

Soulless shell

[Servo: I’ve been told to never judge a book by its cover, but, given our predicament, I feel somewhat exempt from that rule.]

[Warren: Hey H.A.Y.E.S., it’s your autobiography!]

Prologue Leif

My name is Leif melyamos I am a half blood a crimson king and ruler of jackal's half bloods and rats

[H.A.Y.E.S: Well, Jesus Christ, kid... why don't you just be everything plus the kitchen sink?]

I am not like the others I with grey fur and red eyes had to lead a group of blood thirsty murderers and thieves to rule the planet but back then that was not what I wanted I wanted peace a place where all races could live in harmony and well being a place where children would not have to hide in fear of many nightmares to come my name is Leif and this is my story.

[Kiryu: 'Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down!']


[Warren: This story is assaulting my brain with its stupidity]

A little child was running down the streets of his village he had grey fur and strange red eyes that seemed they could pierce through the toughest metal he skidded into his home

[Kiryu: The hell is this, Superrat the Series?]

Im home he announced happily

His mother a jolly looking young mouse said hi honey how was school

[H.A.Y.E.S: "Teacher tried to talk to us about these weird things called 'commas' and 'quotation marks,' but I slapped that skreeonk so hard that her hair grayed."]

Oh it was fun momma whats for dinner

[Servo: ‘Lasagna, the food of true men!’]

(out side the home a few rats had gathered outside the home) a huge rat came up and looked through a crack at the young half blood in the home eating one look at his eyes was all he needed .
this is the crimson king my minions we will enter this home kill all opposition and grab the boy .

[Kiryu: 'He will return that library book!']

Yes sir the rats replied!!

Leifs mother heard noises in the kitchen so she went in to investigate five seconds later life and his father heard a scream

Servo: Precisely five seconds, ladies and gents! No more, and certainly no less.]

Leif grabbed his tiny dagger and ran inside his father...

[Servo: I too like to run inside of my father when I am frightened.]

...did like wize with his blade they skiddedin to find his mother bleeding on the floor mommy he screamed as large gusts of wind emanated semmeingly from his body then the rats suroounded his father and beat him down Leif hid in the attic.

[H.A.Y.E.S: I have no idea what's going on.]

Where is he look harder

[Servo: ‘It’s difficult when he hides in the confusing and inconsistent writing!’]

Leif ran down to his father who was on the floor bleeding son you must know this later when you one day return here (shares a whisper in Leifs ear )

[Kiryu: ‘I’m your brother as well as your father.’]

you will know then goodbye and remember I …….love you

Daddy then he was seized by rough paws as he was dragged out of his former home.

[Servo: Meanwhile, Leif ate his dinner of lasagna and talked to his mother’s corpse, eventually taking on a personality similar to that of Norman Bates.]

Chosen one

Stop where are you taking me Leif demanded.

Please settle down my lord every thing will be revealed to you in time.

[Warren: “But for now, here’s a fancy slideshow!”]

Leif's eyes widened at this statement a lord to whom.

To all present here my lord now please get on your paws.

Leif did as he was bade he stared across at a large rat who had stationed himself just across the way

[H.A.Y.E.S: Which way? The highway? Leeway? The United Way?]

Ahhh he exclaimed I greet you my lord crimson king he and all others around him bowed to Leif .

Ummm excuse me sir in what way am I a king im just a poor boy…

[Servo: ‘I need no sympathy, ‘cause I’m easy come, easy go…’]

…whose parents you killed he exclaimed angrily.

I had to my lord they were keeping that secret from you for too long now…

[H.A.Y.E.S: "I hate secrets. Even good ones. You know, like surprise parties. Never throw me a surprise party. If you try, I'll kill you."]

…it is time to take your place among your people and subjects.

[Kiryu: ‘I could’ve just talked it out with them, but that’s too boring and we need to speed this up.’]

Now here take this blade and follow me

But sir it looks awfully heavy

[Warren: And dirty. What have you been keeping this thing in?]

Oh pick it up young master

[Servo: ‘Put your back into it, dammit!’]

Leif picked it up it was surprisingly light in his paws wow he exclaimed

[Warren: “What’s this say?…”]

Now follow my lead I have to really make sure you are the crimson king he explained drawing his blade. Now hold your ground he called out.

Leif held his blade at the ready as the rat rushed at him inflicting a stinging blow to the arm!

[Kiryu: Oh, no. A stinging pain. Aaah.]

Ahhh Leif yelled then suddenly he felt a rising anger in his chest…

[H.A.Y.E.S: Oh, now he gets angry. Not after his parents were butcher, not after he was dragged from his home, but now, after a "stinging blow." Jerk!]

…his eyes went from red to black as he dashed at the rat inflicting many harsh blows apon his attacker then he shot a beam from his paw which the rat teleported away from then he got in front of Leif and placed a paw on his head whispering to him to relax.

Gradually he did when he was out of his powerful state he became very dizzy ohhh what happened.

[Kiryu: ‘We just had a great night, baby~.’]

You proved to every one present that you are the crimson king now come my lord there is much to do.

He turned to the rat and said sir what is your name?

[Warren: “It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons”]

The rat turned halfway and replied karas…

[H.A.Y.E.S: "Hello. My name is Leif Melyamos. You killed my father. Prepare to die."]

young master as they walked away he thought goodbye.

A new life

[Warren: I think we’d all like a new one of those…]

Leif continued to follow Karas out of the village then they followed the forest path then the went slightly west off the path and continued for a few miles until they reached a cave

[Kiryu: And were mauled by bears. The End.]

they followed him through the cave then they went up through a passage that went up and out he found himself back out in the sun as he looked forward he saw a large tower surrounded by a vast village suddenly karas spoke.

Welcome my lord to vacadoris!

[H.A.Y.E.S: "It's where I take all the kids that I orphan! It's like the island of friggin' lost boys down there!"]

Leif looked up to see the village gate open slightly as he entered the village grew deathly silent as he walked through the streets many people bowed respectively to him and many young girls giggled at the sight of him but still bowed.

[Servo: Maybe he shouldn’t have worn his mother’s blouse today.]

Ummm why are they doing this doing this karas.

[Kiryu: ‘Cause you’re the pimp, mai boi!’]

Simple my lord they know whom their master is.

But that's not what I want Leif thought to himself.

Come now my lord we have very much to do today.

All right karas let us go to uhhh…

[Warren: Ah yes, the great city of Uhhh where you can find the finest beers at the cheapest prices!]

…where are we going?

Do you see that tower in the middle of the village my lord?

Yes I do karas.

Well my lord that is where you will rule from and learn of how you are the crimson king.

Alright karas lets go.

As they walked into the large tower like castle…

[H.A.Y.E.S: Wait, is it a tower or a castle? Make up your mind!]

…and walked into a large circle room where a large rat stood ah welcome my lord he bowed my name is thrnos he bowed.

[H.A.Y.E.S: "I was suppose to be named Thorns, but my parents mixed up a few letters on my birth certificate."]

Oh please sir don't bow to me I don't deserve it.

Ohhh but you do my king (in his mind he so dearly wished he could sneer at him) but enough about that we have much to do and soo little time.

[Servo: Gee, can’t seem to detect the bad guy vibe the author’s giving here.]

Sir what are we doing exactly.

We are completely proving that you are the crimson king my liege.

[Servo: ‘It’s the cross-dressing that gives you doubts, isn’t it?’]

How do we do that?

[Kiryu: ‘First we remove our clothing and climb into bed…’]

You know for some one so young you sure do ask a lot of questions…

[Warren: Well gee, when your parents have been killed by strangers for literally no apparent reason, YOU ASK A LOT OF DAMN QUESTIONS!]

…Leif tell me what race were your parents.

[H.A.Y.E.S: Whoah, you're bringing race into this? Not cool, dude. Heart matters, not skin color.]

My mother was a mouse and my father was a rat which you brutally killed Leif said emotionless.

[Kiryu: Oh…sonuvabitch…]

Ahh but for a good reason they lied about your lineage and I believe you can do much more for your people lord now go with karas your first test is to begin.

Come with me young master karas obediently told Leif.

Okay karas.

As karas and Leif walked away he sneered oh don't worry my lord in a few years you will belong to me hahahahaha!

[Warren: Is it me or did this terrible story take a really creepy turn?]

Okay my lord the first test is if you can defeat normal warriors we must go to the arena to do this follow me young master.

[Kiryu: ‘You must slaughter innocent members of our army to prove your might.’]

As they entered the gates they slammed behind him surprisingly Leif did not flinch when this happened okay send in the challengers.

Leif could see that all of them were at least 20 seasons above him he took the sword which karas handed him he watched as karas nimbly jumped up into the seats begin!!

The rats rushed at him…

[Servo: Murdering the child in front of hundreds of spectators.]

…as Leif raised his blade the first one got to him without thinking he brutally slashed the rat to pieces then the next rat rushed at him Leif nimbly jumped over his head and sung his blade downwards as he watched the rat slice in half the last one…

[H.A.Y.E.S: Wait, there were only three? You made it sound as if there were a whole platoon of them!]

…came at him he teleported much to karas surprise and slashed him in the back as he fell to the ground karas jumped down to meet him very good job young master well done now to the final test.

What will this test consist of karas.

We will try to find the crimson kings eye on your body.

[Kiryu: ‘Now bend over.’]

The what !!??

[H.A.Y.E.S: "Am I about to be molested?"]

It is the eye that proves that you are the crimson king it is hidden on your body some where now come he sat Leif down on a chair as he spoke to him okay young master try to relax.

[H.A.Y.E.S: "Oh God, I am about to be molested."]

Leif did as he was bade when karas opened his paw and a bright light went over his body


then suddenly a large eye appeared on his neck with a bloody pupil and three spikes adorned the lid I guess you are the crimson king young master.

[Servo: ‘But to make sure I’m right, I want you to come over here and take another test.’]

What exactly is a crimson king sir?

A crimson king is a war leader and a god a life source and a great power the crimson king is the one who is supposed to give the land to our kind.

[Warren: In other words: A terribly written character.]

Hmmm that sounds like you are basically talking about taking over innocent lives he spoke without an expression on his face…

[H.A.Y.E.S: He hasn't been traumatized by the brutal murders he's both seen and committed today, he's just been taking acting classes from Kristen Stewart.]

…and enslaving people and trying to use me as a puppet oh I don't think you are friend karas I think that is the intentions of our friend trhnos.

[Servo: But isn’t Karas the one going through with all this? He killed your parents, for crying out loud. And aren’t you already in control of the people in this town? What good will this do for Thrnos? He’ll lose power, if anything! Like, just…what the hell, man?]

Hmm karas thought this child is more resourceful then I thought and he harbors my hatred for trhnos.

Come now young master we must now go back to trhnos as they walked back in the circle room trhnos greeted them ahh karas is Leif our king?

[Kiryu: ‘Yes, after I’ve found out three times.’]

Yes my lord he is very well now Leif I am sending you to live with a good friend of mine aveena come in please.

Aveena was a beautiful young fox she of course was taken in by the goraiathans…

[H.A.Y.E.S: Who?]

…when she was found beat up by the shore…

[H.A.Y.E.S: Where?]

…because of her injures she was told she would never be able to bear children which was what she wanted more than anything else in the world.

[Servo: As someone who cannot bear children, I can relate to Aveena.]

You will stay with her for a few weeks until I think you are ready now take him to his new home Aveena.

Yes thrnos she said obediently.

Come Leif she said with a cheerful smile.

[Servo: That’s just nasty…]

As Leif walked into Aveena's home he looked arouned it was sparsely furnished umm miss Aveena.

[Kiryu ‘Why are you looking at me like that?’]

Yes Leif

why did they have to kill my parents Leif asked.

[H.A.Y.E.S: "You know, just curious."]

Aveena felt her heart ache at this statement I do not know Leif.

(for many days Aveena and Leif spent time together they became closer)

[Warren: Closer…closer…TOO CLOSE!]

Umm he asked one day embarrassed would you mind being my mother?

[Servo: ‘I still have all of her clothes, if you want to wear those too.’]

She did not see that coming why would you want that im basically nothing much I don't have much either.

I don't care you are the only person here who has treated me like a person and not a king and a lord and god and all of that other confusing stuff.

[H.A.Y.E.S: "Stuff confuses me."]

Okay she said with a smile on her face I can do that she smiled as he walked up to her and hugged her.

I wanna go to bed now momma.

[Servo: This whole thing makes me feel really uncomfortable.]

Her heart felt warm when he called her that okay as he walked in there are no other beds so I guess you will have to sleep with me.

Okay momma he jumped on to the bed and lay there she got in as well and he moved closer and hugged her good night he said.

[Kiryu: Oh, my~.]

Good night as she fell to sleep she wondered how thrnos would take this.

[Servo: Not well.]

[Warren: I’d take a hammer to this awful story.]

End Transmission

Inside the barracks, Minerva stirs. Uncurling herself, she sits up in her mattress castle and brushes her hair from her face. She hadn’t gotten a good sleep since her release from the cryogenic pod. Now, Minerva feels refreshed, ready to conquer the onslaught of terrible stories that Dr. Goodlover and Bob have.

There is faint noise in the other room. Her ears detect H.A.Y.E.S. and Warren’s voices. They don’t sound like their usual selves though. The tone lacks the maddening amounts of fun that it normally does. In fact, both robots sound terrified. But of what?

Minerva gets up to investigate, taking a pillow with her for protection. When she opens the door, her jaw drops in horror. Standing before her is a towering behemoth, adorned in black armor and sporting a nasty set of red eyes. Even worse, H.A.Y.E.S. and Warren are tied up against the wall. They try to plead to the giant, but their cries go unheard. The most horrifying sight of all, though, is Tom. He lies on the floor at Minerva’s feet, a puddle of blood around him.

The monster points a finger at Minerva in a booming voice and roars, “Do you dare defy my reign over this realm, puny angel?”

Minerva is speechless. She tries to put together a sentence, or even a word, but cannot find the ability to do so.

Tom stirs. He barely lifts his head from the floor, and hoarsely utters, “Why didn’t you open the door, Minerva? Why?

The tragic screams of Warren and H.A.Y.E.S., Tom’s dying body in front of her, and the alien positioned in the center of the room. It all becomes too much for the angel to take in. Her skin whitens and her eyes roll back in her head. Minerva faints.

Quickly, H.A.Y.E.S. and Warren burst into fits of laughter. Kiryu drops his act and rolls on the floor laughing to the point of tears. Tom writhes in the ketchup he had squirted on the floor, holding his sides.

“Best. Prank. Ever,” H.A.Y.E.S. declares.

“Did you see her face when she saw Kiryu?” Warren squeals. He does his best impression of Minerva and continues to laugh.

Tom gets to his feet, now soaked in ketchup. “Now that she’s out of commission for another episode, I’m going to go take a shower. I stink!”

“I’ll go get some popcorn ready for the second part of this story!” Kiryu proclaims. He withdraws several plastic-wrapped microwavable popcorn bags out of a pouch and walks into the other room.

Tom tows Minerva back to the barracks and heads off to the showers.

H.A.Y.E.S. and Warren, who are still tied up, continue to have the giggles because of their devilish prank.

Warren says, “Kiryu gave me the idea to put some good ol’ steak on the grill for dinner tonight. Do it up Texas style, you know?”

“I’m drooling just thinking about it,” H.A.Y.E.S. replies.

There is a brief silence. “If I could just untie myself, I could get things going, but I can’t.”

“Me either.”

“Tom? Can you help us get down?” No answer. “Kiryu, H.A.Y.E.S. and I could really use your assistance getting untied.” Again, no response.

H.A.Y.E.S. tries to wiggle his way out, but to no avail. “I’ve been in this situation twice before. The best thing we can do now is sing to keep ourselves from falling into boredom’s lair.”

Warren groans and shouts to the other two pranksters, “You guys suck!”

“Ooooh,” H.A.Y.E.S. chants, “Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer…

That's a wrap!
Last edited by Kubo on Thu Dec 18, 2014 12:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Mystery Fiction Readers 3000: Soulless Shell Pt. 2

Postby Kubo » Wed Nov 27, 2013 9:38 am

Cast of Characters for Episode 4
Tom Servo - Kubo
H.A.Y.E.S. - HayesAJones
Warren - Ultraman Goji
Special Guest: Kiryu - Kiryu2012

"Tom, do you know who Brian Jacques is?" Kiryu asks.

Servo and the alien had settled into the recreation room, and each was sprawled out in a comfy armchair. Servo had fashioned a miniature fortress out of pillows from other couches around the room, and now sits with only his head sticking out of the structure. Kiryu, who is pillowless, has only the "Soulless Shell" story by his side (Servo stole his pillows, you see).

Tom hugs a pillow of his cushion castle and replies, "Yeah, he's that guy who made the Redwall series. Marlfox, Pearls of Lutra, and Taggerung. I like those stories."

"Would you believe me if I told you that this story we're reading now is supposed to take place in the same universe?"

Tom stiffens up and stares Kiryu in the eye. "Wh-what? Where's Redwall Abbey?"

"Your guess is as good as mine." Kiryu takes the yellow book in his hands and groans.

Tom slumps in his seat, mouth hanging open in disbelief.

"TOOOOOOOOOOM!" booms a voice in the control room.

Servo leaps out his chair, sending his fort of pillows flying everywhere. He rushes into the other room, Kiryu right behind him. Upon arriving at the scene, the duo find their two robot friends still taped to the wall. H.A.Y.E.S., who is half asleep, continues to sing about beer on the wall. He is down to the thirty-second beer. Warren, on the other hand, is deeply traumatized. When he sees his friends, he begins to wail and screech for them to get him down. He had been the one who screamed earlier.

"What on earth were you doing taped up there with H.A.Y.E.S. after all this time?" Tom asks.

Warren grabs Tom by the collar and yanks him down to his level. "I didn't have a choice! You guys left me taped up there with no way to free myself! I had to listen to 67 bottles of beer on the wall! Do you have any idea what that does to your brain?!" he squeals.

Tom frees himself from Warren's stubby dinosaur arms and tries to comfort his friend. "I'm sorry, we should've gotten here sooner!"

Kiryu examines the yellow book his hand. "We need to finish this book today."

"I am seriously hysterical right now, Kiryu!" Warren whines in a slightly less maddened tone. "I want to be on my A-game for doing another session."

"I agree," Tom says. "Let's give Warren a day or two to recover and that'll give us plenty of time to do some other things. Like Uno."

Kiryu glances at his old-fashioned wristwatch and sighs. "Looks like you'll be doing the story without me then."

"Whoa, what?" Tom turns to Kiryu in surprise. "Why won't you join us?"

"My fleet leaves for Planet X to begin colonization in three days. I need to regroup with them, otherwise I'll get left behind," Kiryu explains quietly.

"Where do you come from?" Tom asks.

"Venus." Kiryu pulls out a card from the pouch on his side and holds it up for both Warren and Tom to see. "I am an official citizen of Venus."

"I didn't think there was life on Venus," Warren remarks. He scratches his side in confusion, since he can't reach his head to do so. "How'd you get under the radar all these years?"

"When Toho Eizo makes a film about an alien colony, you can bet that it's to cover up its actual existence," Kiryu explains. "So you can thank King Ghidorah for my planet's apparent barrenness."

"Who would've thought," Servo mutters.

Warren starts towards the Study. When Tom stops him, he silently says, "I don't want H.A.Y.E.S. in that library. I swear, if he were to do another verse of that song, I would lose my sanity. Please don't let him tag along, Tom."

Tom glances at H.A.Y.E.S., who is still taped on the wall snoring peacefully. He nods at Warren and motions for Kiryu to follow. Like three trembling mice, the group scurries through the six doorways, not bothering to look back. The last door shuts behind Kiryu abruptly.

In the control room, H.A.Y.E.S.'s eyes blink open. He surveys the room and then slips out of the tape with ease. Moving towards the panel on the opposite end of the room, he vows under his breath, "They think they can just do a story without me, huh? Well, I'll show them!"

The Hyper Advance Yodeling Enthusiast Simulation robot presses the button on the main panel. "This is Mr. Hayes, signing out for part two of project zero."

The robot opens up one of the vents near the first Study door and snickers wickedly.

Test Subject(s): Tom C. Servo, H.A.Y.E.S., True Capitalist Robot (Warren), Kiryu
Date: 11/27/2213


Maria looked up at the sky her mother was gone for many hours she was hoping she would come back soon she was beginning to get lonely ….. But that was the least of problems to come unknowns to her her mother who was the leader of the rebel group Zaridos was dyeing and on her way here.

[Warren: Is that Zapdos’ Hispanic cousin?]

Besides that Maria was a young mouse at least 4 seasons of age everyone in the camp knew when she would grow up she would be stunningly beautiful…

[Servo: So say the creepy mice of the camp.]

…but as of right now she was worried of her mother's safety as if by magic she heard the sound of many foot paws entering the camp.

[Kiryu: Her mother’s father was a centipede.]

Momma she called out but all she heard was grunting from the others as they carried her mother up to her eyes.

Momma what happened?

She ran up to the stretcher carrying her mother in it.

[Kiryu: But I thought her mother was carried up to her eyes…]

Maria she spoke I have heard many things and all are important to your well being so listen carefully I will not be here much longer.

[Servo: ‘I have a dinner date with Phil the Badger tonight.’]

What is it momma she asked tears falling down her face.

[Kiryu: “And can you stop eating onions? Your breath stinks!”]

I have heard recent reports of a child not long ago about your age my daughter who was taken from his home and had his parents put to death they brought him to the goraiathans capital believing he is there supposed savior and king I hear his name is Leif and he is what they call there crimson king.

[Servo: Whoa, whoa, slow down! So there was a child…go on.]

They believe he is a god a lord and the creature who will give the lands to his kind. He is a half blood and he will soon be a danger to us all. Now the next important thing is I am about to tell you is when I have died which will be inevitably soon you will take over as the leader of the zaridos….


[Servo: Ooh, I’m sorry. You need to restate your response as a question.]

A loud and imperious voice sounded over Marias mother that is nonsense she is too young there is no way I will have naught but a child rule our group.

Shut (wheeze) up acriluos

[Servo: Much needed stage direction introduced four chapters into a story. Nice.]

I was going to say when she was older until then my brother arcudo will take lead of the zaridos until my daughter is of age now SHUT UP.

[Warren: Oh, she told you, Acriluos!]

Acriluos grew silent.

[Servo: ‘Go paint your nails or something.’]

Good now my little girl don't cry.

[Kiryu: “I’m not done delivering the bad news yet.”]

But (sniff sniff) momma im going to miss you she laid her head on her mother's shoulder.

I know she said lifting her daughters head to look her in her eyes but you must stay strong and keep an eye on acrilous he may try to kill you if he gets the chance ughh.

[Servo: “Ughh”? Could you die saying something a little better than “Ughh”?!]

Then Maria backed up as her mother coughed up blood!

Momma Maria called out as her mothers eyes filmed over she remarked stay strong my daughter stay strong.

Aveena stood before thrnos as she told him her intentions.

Humph I will not have this Aveena.

[Servo: ‘I specifically ordered glazed donuts, not jelly-filled!’]

Please thrnos he is the most precious thing to me please me and him for that matter want nothing more than to be together I want nothing more then to be his mother

FINE thrnos yelled have him but remember this if you steer him away from his destiny ill kill you GOT IT!


[Servo: Certainly wouldn’t be the first time blood has been shed because of misguidance in this story.]

As Aveena walked away she halfed turned her head

[Warren: I’m pretty sure that’s fatal.]

fine then master she sneered I will not keep him from his destiney but remember this if you harm him or make his life miserable in any way ill kill you then she angrily walked away.

Hmm thrnos remarked under his breath she defiantly cannot keep that promise.

As Aveena walked away she thought I will always protect him even if it means I must die in the process.

14 seasons on

[Servo: One chapter into this session and it feels like it’s been that many seasons.]

[H.A.Y.E.S.: Hey, guys, sorry I’m late!]

[Servo: …]

[Warren: How did—how—what…]

[H.A.Y.E.S.: Hmm… 14 seasons on American Idol as a judge can really do you in!]

[Servo: Cripes! Warren’s out cold!]

[Kiryu: somebody just pick up his prompt cards so we can keep this moving!]

[H.A.Y.E.S.: Warren, buddy…are you alright?]

[Servo: I got it! Now…where were we?]

Leif was sitting in the place that had been his home for the last 14 seasons he had lost his cute young face…

[Warren: Oh darn, someone else cut it off before I got the chance.]

…but gained something else he was handsome and had muscles and a tall strong physique many females in the city were after him almost every day he at the moment was garbed in a long black robe with red lines through it.

[Servo: Wouldn’t it be great if Leif had gone Macauley Culkin and lost all his boyish charm instead?]

Leif Aveena called out come down please you have to eat so you won't be hungry during the council meeting.

Gahh he complained why do they always need my opinion god can they ever do any thing by themselves?

[Kiryu: “It’s like they think I’m their leader or something.”]

[Servo: His adolescent attitude is still shining brightly.]

Leif you are the crimson king going to these meetings is kinda like a priority you are basically the ruler of this whole town please try to act like one son.

[H.A.Y.E.S: Oh, and I guess she is too...]

Alright Aveena but please do not expect me to be nice to these slave drivers as he walked out the door his foster mother yelled after him…

[Servo: ‘You forgot your breakfast!’]

…have a good day son.

Yea yea Leif called back.

[Kiryu: “I’m just going to get the paper.”]

As Leif walked up to the tower something small and annoying attached it self to his waist.

[H.A.Y.E.S: Honey Boo Boo.]

[Warren: I’d see a doctor about that.]

GAHHH dammit maoimi get off.

NUH UH the small female rat replied not till you take me out on a date she replied hugging him tighter.

Guhh never ever ever he replied as he detached her from his waist as he ran she came after him screaming COME BACK HERE LEIF!

[Servo: Ladies and gentlemen, the Crimson King.]

He ran along the towers corridors till he came to the council room he shut the door as he heard maoimi dash by the door…

[H.A.Y.E.S: Pfft, Maoimi is a lightweight stalker is she can't even memorize her victim's daily schedule. I can be where my stalkee is heading before they even get there!]

…he heard a cough.

[Kiryu: And from there an epidemic was spread.]

Ahem a imperious voice greeted his ears ah my king I am guessing it was maiomi again eh.

[H.A.Y.E.S: I see you've been using a thesaurus, story.]

Yes councilmen Monroe she just wont leave me alone.

[Servo: ‘I think she likes me, but I just don’t know.’]

Monroe was a tall fox and very skinny too he had never seen a battle in his pathetic life…

[Warren: The irony of this statement is really sickening.]

….and Leif could easily see he was a sniveling coward

[Servo: The author loves to be a judgmental dickweed to supporting characters in this story.]

Also among the council was thrnos councilmen raynold a rat with a attention span of a fly.

[H.A.Y.E.S: "I take offense to that! Bzz! Bzzz bzz!"]

Then there was Councilmen Arnold every one could see he was a fat bastard…

[Warren: Oh great, now Mike Myers is in this?]

…who liked nothing more then to watch the whores in the clubs…

[Servo: This place has clubs?! CLUBS?!?]

he was even once convicted for rape he was a tall and stupid ferret he was probably the one Leif most hated for his history

[H.A.Y.E.S: Leif liked to compare him to Hitler online.]

Then there was councilmen catartos he was a weasel one of the only councilmen Leif respected he was a experienced spy and a thief in his younger days.

[Servo: Catartos had a great sense of humor too.]

Then last was the person who Leif respected the most his name was councilmen rajh he had seen the scars of war well he had fought in many battles and had many scratches and scars all over his body this was the only one of the councilors that Leif admired.

[H.A.Y.E.S: You don't even want to know the legions that he slaughtered to earn admiration from the prince of sadists himself AKA Leif the Bloody.]

Welcome my lord they all bowed before him except for rajh oh stand up he complained we all know he hates to be bowed to.

[Servo: ‘Bow to me instead.’]

Ahh thank you for clarifying that very real fact rajh my friend now tell me my friends why have you called me forth?

[H.A.Y.E.S: "You usually call me second or third. Why the change in pace?"]

[Kiryu: “And why are you all stripping off your clothing?”]

Very simple my lord Arnold spoke up (which annoyed Leif beyond end)…

[Warren: We’ve run out of chicken patties.]

…we have a prisoner here which, must be brought up to you for your clarification to execute this person lord he replied.

[Kiryu: “Basically, do we kill this thing or not?”]

Hmmm I will see this person bring him or her in and state the crimes of which he or she is convicted eh Arnold.

[Servo: Leif, the Canadian mouse.]

Yes of course my lord karas bring in the girl.

A girl Leif knew where this was going as the prisoner was walked in she was no more then 14…

[H.A.Y.E.S: Considering rats only life about two or three years, this made her unimaginable ancient.]

…and she was beat up very bad.

[Servo: It’s Laura, the one chick that Legolas is dating (with her parents’ consent of course)!]

So karas my most trusted advisor what has the girl been accused of.

This girl my master is being trialed for attacking a key member of the councilor's office.

And who was the attacked Leif asked already knowing the answer.

[Warren: And this kid became the town leader? Wow.]

This girl attacked councilmen Arnold.

[Kiryu: “Is her name Helga by any chance?”]

Ahh Arnold she attacked eh so young one why did you attack Arnold.

[Kiryu: “Before that, though, can you tell me why I’m talking like this?”]

He tried to rape me sire.

[Servo: Why is this Arnold guy even on the council? Could they not find a person in the town who has a clean record?]

I guessed you would say that Arnold what is the meaning of this Leif said with a growl.

Sire you must not really believe that I raped her do you?

[Kiryu: “I mean, I know it said earlier I committed rape, but c’mon!”]

Why not Arnold he argued you have done this before if I haven't read your criminal record once or twice I can easily say that I hate your sniveling guts!

[H.A.Y.E.S: "People I hate are automatically guilty of crimes! All the crimes!"]

But my lord he argued.

ENOUGH he yelled I am going to relase an exacution order but not hers yours Arnold now take him away!

[Servo: ‘Be gone, football head!’]

[Kiryu: “Why can’t I just do that with Maiomi as well?”]

No please my lord Im sorry ill never do it again I swear he pleaded.

That was my bluff he said cleverly now you have just lost yours.

[H.A.Y.E.S: We clearly have two very different definitions of "clever", story.]

Dam you Leif I hope you burn in hell.

Oh no Arnold he replied that's where your going they all watched as he was dragged away .

Humph Leif replied now where were we.

[Kiryu: “Uh, that was exactly why we wanted you here. There’s nothing else to do.”]

[Warren: Now that I’ve just sent a man to his death, how about a game of Trivial Pursuit?]

The little things

[Servo: Like grammar, and story arc, and characters…]

As Leif watched Arnold being dragged off he turned to the other council members.

[Kiryu: “Wait, didn’t we just do this?”]

Im sorry for the inconvenience meanwhile you girl are free to go.

[H.A.Y.E.S: Life-or-death rape trials involving councilmen and minors... pfft, what an inconvenience."]

Thank you my lord she bowed then she turned around and ran towards the exit.

[Warren: Unfortunately, she missed and slammed straight into a wall.]

Leif then again turned to the council members okay next issue he explained now we need a new rat council member im going to leave it to you catartos.

Of course Leif he replied.

Okay now rajh please come with me ill need to talk to you in private.

Yes my lord he replied.

[Kiryu: “Bring a condom.”]

[H.A.Y.E.S: "No clothes allowed."]

Now rajh ill need you to keep an ever-watchful eye on Arnolds cell and the guards that patrol it you know already of Arnold's powers of persuasion.

[Servo: ‘I think we might have a filthy rat in our midst…Haha, get it?’]

Yes my lord.

As he walked away Leif knew some how that Arnold would some way escape and try to kill him but he knew that he wouldn't be able to kill him even if he was blind.

[H.A.Y.E.S: The blind are infinitely more dead that those with sight.]

Humph well now it is time to be leaving he said aloud…

[Warren: A resounding “nobody cares” was said back.]

…every one go about their business ill be leavings as well as soon as he exited the tower maoimi attached herself to him again.

[H.A.Y.E.S: Hey! Maybe she's not such a lightweight after all! I give her a solid C.]
This time she explained with a wide smile on her face you wont be able to escape me…

[H.A.Y.E.S: "I have a gun."]

…she said with a wink now please take me somewhere nice pwease she said with a cute smile on her face.

[Servo: To the gallows it is!]

Finally Leif gave in alright alright ill take you out.

[Kiryu: “It’s not like I can arrest you since I’m the lord or anything.”]

She giggled as she jumped up on him and kissed him directly in the mouth.

[Servo: Maoimi is rounding first and sliding into second…]

He wanted to get her off him but she was holding the back of his head too tightly so he just gave up and kissed her back.


She did this for another few minutes then she let go.

Oooh she said with a wide smile you're a good kisser.

[Servo: ‘Thanks. My mother taught me how to do that thing with my tongue.’]

[Warren: Wait, you’re not Leif…]

Well Leif blushed you were holding the back of my head pretty tightly so I couldn't of stopped even if I wanted to heh.

Well then pick me up at my house at about seven okay she said.

[Kiryu: “Though you might have to meet my parents first.”]

Okay he said see you later cutie she said with a wink.

Ughhh he explained with a sigh now I have to tell Aveena im going out on a date gahh ill never hear the end of it.

[Servo: Geesh, who knew being the Crimson King came with so many restrictions?]

As he walked into his house he yelled mom Im home and I need to tell you something.

[H.A.Y.E.S: "I think I actually like woman after all!"]

Umm hmm honey?

[Warren: I’M PREGNANT, MA!]

I have to leave to go on a …. Date at 7:00.

[Kiryu: “I capitalized ‘date’ cause it’s special.”]

After he said this he heard Aveena squeal with delight. Oh honey im so proud of you never do( she went on with many things to not do on a date)…

[Servo: ‘Whatever you do, do not bring up that Soulless Shell story you’re writing.’]

…and never ever tell her she smells.

[H.A.Y.E.S: Aveena, like most of us, assumed Leif was an idiot.]

All right all right Aveena I get it please stop smothering me he said blushing.

All right now go upstairs and get ready for your date.



Leif came down stairs in a awesome blue robe with black lines running through it he also had two blades on both sides of his robe he also had a few throwing daggers hidden inside the sash of his robe.

[H.A.Y.E.S: He's so RADICAL and EXTREME.]

[Servo: For crying out loud, is this gonna be a date or a fight to the death?]

Oh honey you look so handsome Aveena remarked.

Yea yea he replied blushing I gotta go now mom ill be back somewhere around ten.

Okay honey have fun she called after him.

Will do he replied( if maiomi doesn't kill me first he thought) bye.

[Kiryu: “Assuming she had plans for murder in the first place.”]

As he walked out the door he heard a noise but decided it was nothing and continued to walk to maiomis home.

[H.A.Y.E.S: Ignoring noises- obviously an intelligent and genre-savy thing to do.]

Back at the tower damit…

[Warren: Ah, the beautiful Tower Damit. Where cursing first originated.]

…rajh explained Arnold escaped dammit and with a few guards poop I hope Leif is prepared for his attack wherever he is.

[Kiryu: “Shouldn’t have been sleeping when he escaped.”]

[Servo: What happened to keeping an eye on him? Oh, don’t tell me you taped an eyeball to Arnold and thought that’s what Leif meant.]

Some where in a dark alley hmm Leif is going to pay sooner or later but not today im feeling pretty lonely he licked his lips common lets have some fun boys at this statement they all laughed.

[Servo: What the hell is going on?]

Leif walked up to maiomis house and knocked on her door she walked to the door looking more beautiful then he ever believed he had ever saw her she was wearing a blue dress that sparkled a bit he noticed that she also had sparkles in her fur…

[H.A.Y.E.S: Vampire!]

…she laughed as she looked at him staring at her with his mouth open hehehe she giggled as she walked up to him and planted her lips on his again they stood there for a couple of moments kissing when she detached herself from him giggling mmm your even better the second time.

[Servo: ‘This isn’t even my final form!’]

He blushed heh lets go eh.

[Kiryu: “Into my closet with the lights off.”]

Okay he put his arm through hers as they walked to the restaurant.

They went and sat down at a table in a place with a name Leif could not pronounce they sat down at a table and ordered.

(a date can sometimes go on forever so lets skip something's shall we)

[Servo: Whatever eases the pain.]

[Kiryu: I’ll give him points for not dragging out certain scenes.]

[H.A.Y.E.S: You don't know me, story! Stop assuming! Maybe I want to see how the date went, huh?]

So far the date had been going pretty well they both seemed to have a lot in common they both had foster parents they were both misunderstood but something in the pit of Leif's stomach something was going wrong…

[Kiryu: He was about to have a chestburster.]

…then he heard a crash and he saw a face go past the window Arnolds face Leif's eyes went black Maiomi the person who just went by that window is a convicted rapist and I just gave him a death sentence today he is probably going to rape someone…

[H.A.Y.E.S: Strategy to make a villainous character unlikable: mention the word "rape" as many times as possible.]

…I need to go he said drawing his blade.

Of course ill come too.

[Kiryu: “You better not mean what I think you mean.”]

[Servo: It might take a couple hours though.]

No maiomi I don't want you to get hurt stay here.

A young mouse maid was running away from Arnold then he caught up to her and backhanded her into the wall.

Ahh she screamed as he hit her to the floor.

Now then pretty one he said soothingly…

[H.A.Y.E.S: Among the sexual offenders of the city, he was easily the most caring and gentle.]

…I wont hurt you lets have some fun he told her as he grabbed for her shirt and ripped it off and also grabbed her skirt and also ripped that off too then as he ravaged her the sick bastard was moaning then he heard something that made him jump out of his fur.


[Servo: Even the narrator got fired up once Leif started speaking.]

As Leif moved into the light Arnold grew incredibly terrified as he saw leifs eyes were pitch black and he had huge black wings coming from his back he had huge horns from his head and an inhuman like aura emanating from him and to boot he had two demon like blades in his paws…

[H.A.Y.E.S: As if we needed more prove that he's Satan.]

…so rapist common show me what you got he rushed at Arnold and sliced him in the back!

[Servo: I’ve died inside. Guys, I’m dying. Help me…]

Ahh he yelled as he slashed him his blood hit the floor.

[Kiryu: “Oh no, my blood. Aaah…”]

Common im defiantly a match for you or am I stronger than an innocent young girl bastard.

[H.A.Y.E.S: I... but you... I don't... what?]

He slashed him in the stomach then he hit him on the floor now feel the pain that so many innocent young girls like her have felt but with oh so much more intensity

Ahhh Arnold screamed out his final breaths as Leif continually slashed and hacked at him blood spattered on the wall then he felt someone grabbed his arm as he raised it again it was maiomi.

[Kiryu: She was the rapist the whole time.]

[Servo: In his uncontrollable caps lock rage, he sliced her to death too, and then raped the girl in the alley. He was convicted of two first degree murders and sexual battery and executed the next day.]

Leif stop hes dead.

[H.A.Y.E.S: "I shot him while you were swinging aimlessly at the air."]

Leafs eyes went back to their normal red color as he stopped hat he was doing his wings and horns went back into his body he looked at the girl sobbing on the floor he took of his outer robe picked her up and wrapped her naked body in it shh shh its okay he will never hurt you again she cried her heart out as she cried into his shoulder then he put her into maoimis arms take her to the city guard I have to go to the tower now as he walked away he said sorry this ruined our night.

[Kiryu: “Not that I’m complaining…”]

Oh no Leif…

[H.A.Y.E.S: "Violence and murder turns me on almost as much as it does you."]

…it is your job go on ahead ill see ya tomorrow okay as he walked away he thought hmm I feel great.

[Servo: ‘I just killed somebody.’]

The blade that drinks.

[Servo: How does a…but…I…I’m done.]

Leif ran distractedly to the tower his bloody robe flopped about every where…

[H.A.Y.E.S: A common sight under his bloody rule. The only thing missing was the usual maniacal laughter.]

…He ran down the many long corridors he ran into the council room he saw Reynolds looking at him stupidly.

Oh hi Leif he exclaimed I was just here to… PLASTIC BAG oh goody goody. .

[Kiryu: “Plastic bags are my fetish. :3”]


Oh sorry he explained a.d.h.d heh.

[Servo: This story makes me so—I’m thisty.]

Gahhh whatever where is rajh!?

Right here my lord as I can see you have run into Arnold is he dead.

Yea he is rajh no thanks to you he joked.

[H.A.Y.E.S: Apparently the story considers genuine accusations to be jokes.]

[Servo: This is no time for joking!]

Well what did he do to set you off?

He took the innocence of ANOTHER girl rajh you know how people like him set me off I left him in pieces and left a lot of blood for the city cleaners to pick up after heh.

[Kiryu: “Kid, are you sure you’re alright in the head? We expected you to be like Batman at least when your parents died, and instead you act like this.”]

[Servo: Further support for my claim about Leif being a dick.]

So what were you doing tonight eh he inquired.

[Servo: ‘Going to the hockey game, eh.’]

Uhhhh he exclaimed embarrassed I had to go on a date with maoimi she wouldn't leave me alone you see.

I totally understand Leif…

[H.A.Y.E.S: Wait, this is a common issue for these guys? SEND ME TO THIS MAGICAL LAND!]

…now we have other things to talk about like how we are going to plan your wedding he joked with a smirk.

Oh shut up rajh now I have to return to my home now to sleep you are all dismissed oh and one more thing keep an eye on maiomi she might be in danger sooner or later.

[Kiryu: “And by that I mean actually watch her, instead of just staying idly by like with Arnold, got it?”]

Why do you say that re replied?

She is a seventeen-year-old girl she is bound to be assaulted and raped sooner or later eh.

[H.A.Y.E.S: ... why are you so calm about that?]

Hmmm you're quite right okay ill do my best sire.

Good that is what I always expect from you rajh and always receive.

[Servo: ‘Except that one type you taped an eye to Arnold…you dropped the ball there.’]

Okay im getting the hell outta here im tired as all hell bye as Leif departed.

[Kiryu: And was immediately run over by a truck.]

As Leif walked up to is home Arnold's old guards attacked him

[H.A.Y.E.S: *sigh* You know, story, there's this thing called "buildup" that can really make stuff like this pay off more.]

as Leif drew his blades he felt that same twist of anger knotting deep within his stomach his eyes grew black he lifted his paw and a huge red beam blazed from it disintegrating the first guard!

Then the next guard rushed at him

[H.A.Y.E.S: Because clearly the molecular deconstruction of the first guy was no cause for alarm.]

he took several of the knives from his sash and threw them at the rats head they all scored direct hits into his head then he teleported to the last one and yawned as he stabbed him through the head gahh not strong enough as he nonchantly walked into his house.

[Kiryu: Completely forgetting about his knives and leaving them out for anyone else to take.]

[Servo: Not sure if OP or just gifted.]

As he walked into the house all was quiet so he went into his room and fell asleep.

Leif was deep in the realms of sleep when an old memory invaded its way into his mind when his family was attacked.

He was crouched next to his father as he was bleeding on the floor he whispered something in his ear.

[Kiryu: “For the last time, you’re not my son! You need to go find your real family and leave me the hell alone!”]

Leif when you are older return here and put your paw to that brick…

[H.A.Y.E.S: Which brick? That brick? This brick? They all look the same!]

…a secret passage will open leading you to a dungeon make your way through the dungeon and find a blade take it and you will receive instructions from there….

[Servo: Step 1: Slay the dragon…]

[Kiryu: This would be okay if this actually happened at that freakin time.]

Leif was catapulted from sleep


he continued to think of this weapon that his father was leading him to he wondered what it would look like he had to talk to the council members and aveena to try to get out of the city for a few days to grab his fathers blade he ran down stairs to see aveena sitting at the table dozing.

Aveena he shook her.

Oh hi Leif how was your….

[Kiryu: *slap* “My parents are dead!”]

Never mind that right now mother

[H.A.Y.E.S: "Nothing happened except for a rape and a merciless killing, it was a pretty standard date."]

I need to ask if you would be all right with me leaving the city for a little while.

Hmm its okay with me you will have to talk to the council about leaving though they still may need you here.

Okay I will mom good night he said.

[Kiryu: However it was 7:00 in the morning.]

He went into his room and fell into a dreamless sleep.

[Servo: Forgetting entirely about the mysterious weapon when he woke up.]

When he woke up he put on a long blue robe with white lines through it and white runes allover it he said goodbye to Aveena and ran to the tower to ask if the council needed him here.

As he ran up to the tower he was stopped by maoimi.

[Kiryu: And decided to get rid of her for good.]

Hi she said moving in and kissing him on the cheek what ya doin today she asked?

[Servo: ’Stuff’]

[H.A.Y.E.S: From stalker to girlfriend in a single night. You get an A+!]

Hopefully getting out of the village for a few days to do some private work I need to ask the council if they can cope without me for a few days if they say yes ill come by and say good bye before I leave.

[Kiryu: “I’ll make sure that my sword says good-bye to your neck as well.”]

You better she replied as she kissed him on the lips again and flounced off.

[H.A.Y.E.S: Hey, been hitting that thesaurus again, story?]

Gahh will she ever leave me alone he commented in his mind

[H.A.Y.E.S: ... you went to see her! And said you'd do it again!]

[Servo: ‘It’s not like we’re dating or anything! I mean I only kissed her for a few minutes last night! C’mon!’]

he ran down the corridors of the tower till he came to the council room he opened it and walked in the councilors were obviously surprised that he was here.

Is there something you need my lord rajh asked?

[Kiryu: “Yeah, better grammar.”]

Yes there is I have come to ask if you can cope with the village for a few days?

Yes of course my lord what do you intend on doing he asked?

I intend to find my fathers blade he said with a serious look.

[Kiryu: When all else fails, give them the serious face.]

Really your fathers Leif thrnos spoke up then karas better give you the directions to your old village.

[H.A.Y.E.S: Because clearly he wouldn't remember the place he was born.]

Karas walked in.

[Servo: How convenient, but why isn’t he running around like everyone else?]

Young master come with me and I will tell you where to go okay.

Alright karas lets go.

They went into a vacant room and closed the door

[H.A.Y.E.S: Alone behind closed doors? Sexy times.]

okay young master I will tell you the way first you must exit the city from the south gate take the path to the west and you will see a cave enter it and find your way out I haven't been in the cave in about 14 years so I don't remember the right path when you exit the cave take an old and dusty path and continue south till you reach the gates of quelathos from there you can find your families home but now I will tell you the reason of why I have locked this door young master.

[Servo: The author provides us with all these directions, but God forbid he tell us what happened on Leif’s date.]

Hmm and what reason would that be.

[H.A.Y.E.S: "Sexy times."]

[Kiryu: “Cause life sucks and you should feel bad.”]

Leif you are one of my most trusted friends so I must tell you this a couple of the council members thrnos among them are going to try to make you do their dirty work for them so watch what you and they are doing now go and be careful.

Before he walked out he yelled his thanks as he ran out of the tower and up to maoimis house and knocked on the door oh hi Leif are you going?

[Kiryu: “Yeah, but first I need you to take a close look at my sword…”]

Yes I am Leif replied I am going I have also told a good friend to keep an eye on you so you don't get hurt then she ran up to him and hugged him.

Thank you she told him and make sure you be careful Kay.

[Servo: ‘Kay? Is that the name of your ex-boyfriend?!’]

I will be and with that he ran out of the city and onto the road hmm there is the path he noticed the old unused dirt road he followed it…

[Servo: As well as the not-at-all suspicious signage that Thronos had created the night before.]

….then turned slightly west and then he saw the cave he walked into the intense darkness…

[Servo: I prefer my darkness mild.]

…to find he remembered the way out some how he followed the cave tunnels going left right left then he came upon light again.


He saw the very old dirt road and followed it south until he came upon a very old gate that was slightly open he pushed it open to find it completely deserted he walked around in his old village for a while remembering the places where he used to play with his friends. He saw many eyes watching him as he walked into the old village then he noticed an old pair of eyes he had not seen since he was a child he remembered his name and called it out ca cae Caleb.

[Servo: No, no! It’s Chi-chi-chi-chia!]

At the mention of his name the young mouse picked up the box that was on him.

[H.A.Y.E.S: Wait? Old eyes? Young mouse? Is he old or young! Make up your mind.]

Leif looked at him those were the same eyes fur every thing about him he knew it was his best friend

Caleb it's me Leif.

Leif how we all saw you get dragged off by rats after your parents were murdered.

Ill tells you the story later…

[H.A.Y.E.S: Tells? Oh no, he's Jar Jar Binking!]

…Caleb but right now I need you to show me where I used to live.

[Servo: He’s going to need somebody to show him which brick he needs to touch to open up the dungeon too.]

Okay Leif lets go.

Leif followed Caleb for a few minutes when he came upon his old home it was rundown old and disused.

[Servo: For a few seasons, it was the sight of an annual haunted house attraction that went over well in most of the region.]

I have to find something common

[Servo: ‘Like a tooth-pick.’]

Caleb he beckoned him foreword lets go in as Leif walked into his old home he saw many things that made him want to cry he saw the place where he used to eat with his family and where his father used to tell him stories.

[Kiryu: About how Leif wasn’t his real son.]

[H.A.Y.E.S: Funny, you didn't seem so broken up about it IMMEDIATELY AFTER IT HAPPEN, YOU SOCIOPATH NIGHTMARE.]

Lets go Leif sniffled tears in his eyes he walked up to a wall and laid his paw on it to support him self suddenly he felt the brick his paw was on move slightly.

[Servo: The house came crashing down not even two seconds later.]

Then the wall moved in as well to reveal a staircase that went down wards lets go he beckoned to Caleb when they got down they were in a large maze well this may present a problem


they went into the entrance and they walked into the many passage ways then they were suddenly attacked by unknown creatures as they ran they went left right left then they found them selves at a door with writing on it it was in rat speech he read it out loud to his mouse friend

Into the halls into this place the secrets of time the secrets of space the lace forward where only one goes the child of blood the blood omen knows.

[Servo: ‘My god…My father was a poet!’]

Humph it says only I can enter friend you will have to wait here.

[Kiryu: “To never be referred to again.”]

Okay Leif.

[Kiryu: And then he died and nobody cared.]

He pressed his paw on the door and it opened then as it entered it slammed shut which did not scare Leif at all.

[Servo: But it scared the socks off Caleb.]

Then he looked at the wall and saw the most beautiful and deadly blade Leif had ever seen the handle was black to the base at the base of the handle skull with bat wings coming from the sides o the skull the skull had fangs which bit down on the blade the blade itself was a marvel the blade was wavy on both sides and the tip was sharper then an icicle from hell.

[Servo: As dainty as one too.]

[H.A.Y.E.S: It's the sword of metal music!]

As he walked up to where the blade hung he saw a piece of paper on the floor it was addressed to him!

And it said dear Leif here is the blade if you are reading this right now I am probably dead I want you to know that this blade is nothing that human kind has never seen it is a blood drinker when you pick it up it will demand an offering from you so do it swiftly and it will be yours your father arleitos.

[Servo: So that wasn’t going to be Leif’s sweet sixteen birthday present, huh?]

He walked up to the blade and took it down from its holders on the ceiling suddenly a voice entered his mind.


Suddenly and quickly he stabbed the blade through his arm without flinching.


[Servo: …I wonder how Caleb’s doing.]

AHHH the blade sighed it has been a long while since I tasted blood this good as Leif watched the blood on the blade suddenly sink into the blade ahh and so full of hatred too I think I will like being with you friend now if you don't mind stab me into that wall.

[Servo: ‘You can talk? Aw man, you gotta chant ‘Flight of the Bumblebee’ whenever I start killing people, okay?’]

Leif did as he was told and the wall crumbled to reveal a shield with the same skull design as the blade but this shield had a claw on the end of it pick it up Leif put it on it belongs to you the sword said dramatically…

[H.A.Y.E.S: What a ham.]

…and don't worry he laughed it wont want blood heh.

[Kiryu: “Just your head.”]

[H.A.Y.E.S: "By the way, you should probably seek medical attention about five seconds ago, you're bleeding like crazy."]

As he put it on he felt incredible power surge through him let's go Leif replied.

[Kiryu: “I need to get the mail after this.”]

Yes master the shield replied in his mind.

As Leif walked out of the room he…

[H.A.Y.E.S: Who? Marlon Brando? God? That old guy with all the gnomes that lives down the street?]

…saw Leif with a deadly sword and shield and said hey lets go back up shall we.

[Servo: The greatest conclusion to a story ever. Give it up for Soulless Shell, everybody!]

End Transmission

The riffers come back from the Study carrying their unconscious friend Warren with them. They set him down on the floor and stood around him for a few moments, just staring. None of them knew what to do after that session in the Study. H.A.Y.E.S. tried to wake up Warren with a slap, but it was no use.

"Do you think he'll recover?" Tom asks worriedly.

"It's the F.F. Crap Syndrome," Kiryu explains. "The combined trauma from the story and H.A.Y.E.S. was enough to put him out for the count."

"Hey, guys!" Warren cries, suddenly leaping to his feet and waving his arms like a child on a sugar rush. "Boy, what a horrid story that was!"

Tom stares at Kiryu. "Some recovery, huh?"

"I'm not a doctor," the alien insists. He checks his watch and gasps. "I need to leave. I'm running late! Goodbye!"

"Whoa! Wait!" Tom calls, but Kiryu was already in the other room and heading down the stairs.

"I was going to give him a Ring Pop as a souvenir!" H.A.Y.E.S. exclaims. He noticed that he still held the copies of Soulless Shell that Kiryu had brought.

"He really was in a hurry," Warren says. He takes one of the books from H.A.Y.E.S. and rips out the pages. "Look! We have toilet paper!"

Warren took the pages and stuffed them into a compartment in the control room and sits down by H.A.Y.E.S., who he had quickly come to terms with.

"You know, we missed Halloween back on earth," Tom mentions as he sits down in the control room.

"Too bad we didn't do anything to celebrate," Warren says.

With a quick twirl, H.A.Y.E.S. suddenly dawns a black cape and bloody plastic fangs, which look goofier than normal because of his mechanical being. "Have you two forgotten the spirit of the season? There's still a door to be knocked upon up here on the Satellite of Hate!"

All heads turn to the door to the barracks. Tom quietly mutters, "You've got to be kidding me. If Minerva didn't hate us before..."

"Relax, would ya?" H.A.Y.E.S. insists. "You worry too much about that chick!"

"He's got a point, H.A.Y.E.S." Warren chimes in. "We should really leave her alone."

But before either could do anything, the zany robot was knocking on the barrack door and shrieking, "TRICK OR TREAT!"

"You bloody fool!" Tom cries as he pulls H.A.Y.E.S. away from the metal door. "I will not let you get me into trouble with a chick from another friggin' dimension!"

"Has anything happened yet, hot shot?" is H.A.Y.E.S.'s snarky reply.

"No, but I would really rather we not push our luck today, thank you very much."

The artificial eyes roll in H.A.Y.E.S.'s head as he orders Warren, "Prepare the Halloween Doggy Dump Bag."

Tom spins around to figure out exactly what that meant from Warren. "The what? What is he talking about, Warren?"

"You sure?"

H.A.Y.E.S. nods.

Like a bullet, Warren darts from the room, leaving echoes of his mischievous giggling behind. Tom turns disapprovingly to his robot friend, who has a guilty smile on his face. "You are one sick robot."

"I know, right?" H.A.Y.E.S. guffaws as he prances about the room in his usual giddy way. "And you wonder why Dr. Goodlover sent me here."

Warren rushes back in with a damp paper bag reeking of feces. It leaks slightly, leaving behind a brown trail that leads back into the Recreation room. In his other hand, Warren carries a lighter. His face looks just as wicked, if not more wicked, than H.A.Y.E.S.'s as he approaches the barrack door. Reliving his 'younger days' had brought out his wild Texan side once more. "Just like old times, huh?" Warren chuckles as he sets the bag down at the bottom of the door.

"You betcha!" H.A.Y.E.S. says as he bows to his robo-dino friend and says, "You can have the honors, good sir!"

Tom sighs and watches as Warren sets the bag aflame. "So what if she doesn't open the door? What then?"

"You kidding? Dr. Goodlover always opened the door when we did this on earth!" H.A.Y.E.S. explains. He slams the door with his fist a couple times and shouts Minerva's name to get her attention.

No one answers the door. As time goes on, the smell grows more potent, and Servo has to sit down to get under the heavy cloud of gas. Warren and H.A.Y.E.S also become weary, but they still share a strong sense of determination.

"Any minute now," Warren says as he shields his snout from the fumes.

Tom passes out without so much as a struggle.

"I'm going to...
try knocking...again..." H.A.Y.E.S. wheezes as he feebly raps his fist against the metal and groans. "It never...took this long...back home..."

At that moment, both robots collapse unconscious.

The display screen at the front of the room buzzes to life, and Dr. Goodlover appears, looking ever-so-ready to demoralize his test subjects. Instead, he finds them all sprawled out around a sack of flaming poop. One bushy eyebrow raises and he shakes his head in confusion. "These poor nitwits pulled their little prank on themselves. How...pathetic." He takes a moment to scoff at their idiocy. "They didn't even bother to send me a Halloween Doggy Dump Bag in the mail."

"Hey, doc!" Bob cries offscreen. "There's a package from the postman! It's shipped from 123 Main Street by a certain fella by the name John Doe."

"Must be my Viagra supplements!" Dr. Goodlover rushes off camera to see his delivery.

Shortly thereafter, a mixed reaction comes from the doctor. "This isn't my Viagra. It looks like a...Doggy Dump Bag...oh? A note! It says, 'Trick, no treat! From your secret admirers in outer space' ...Huh...I don't know how to feel about this...Bob, turn off the camera. I'm going to my room to--uhm...examine this practical joke further!"

The screen flashes off, leaving just a spinning pixelated hourglass.

The barrack door opens up. Minerva stands triumphantly over the pranksters at her feet. She tugs on the nose clip she is wearing and chuckles. "You all were mistaken if you thought I hadn't encountered pranksters in my time." She smirks and as the door shuts again, adds, "Nice try though."

In the control room, the computer states in its bland voice, "Transmission ended."

That's a wrap!
Last edited by Kubo on Thu Dec 18, 2014 12:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Mystery Fiction Readers 3000: The Day The Clown Came To Town

Postby Kubo » Thu Dec 18, 2014 11:32 am

Cast of Characters for Episode 5
Tom Servo - Kubo
H.A.Y.E.S. - HayesAJones

“So you want to stay up late because…”

“I ordered pizza from Little Caesar’s and I need help eating all of it,” H.A.Y.E.S answers his human friend. Together with Warren, they sit in the main room and watch the dark side of earth below them.

Warren flexes his t-rex arms. “I don’t think they do space delivery.”

“When I called, they were perfectly okay with delivering the pizza here,” H.A.Y.E.S. returned with a turn of his mechanical mustache.

“I refuse to believe Little Caesar’s does space delivery,” says Warren.

Just then, H.A.Y.E.S. circular eyes light up and a telephone ring echoes out of toothy grin. He puts his hand up to the side of his face and begins to speak. “Y’ello? Yes, I was the one who ordered the pizza.” His smile diminishes. “What do you mean you don’t know where my house is? I told you the exact latitude and longitude; how could you screw that up?” A pause. “Oh…ooooooh. Thanks. M’bye.” H.A.Y.E.S. drops his hand from his face and stares at Warren. “I gave him the coordinates on earth without telling him the altitude…”

“Typical H.A.Y.E.S.,” Warren scoffs.

H.A.Y.E.S. turns to Tom. “Can you deactivate Warren, please?”

“Easy, easy.” Tom’s hands lift. “Before anyone starts deactivating anyone, we need to all take a deep breath and think about life. H.A.Y.E.S., do you really want to deactivate Warren?”

The robot gives a mechanical exhale and answers bluntly, “Yes.”

Warren practically bowls Tom Servo over in his blind rage. Tom holds each robot apart at arm’s length while they yell threats at each other and try to fight. “Easy! Easy!” Tom cries.

Suddenly, the large display turns on. All three turn around and see Bob’s flat face taking up the entirety of the screen. His eyes are crusty and drool is running down his chin. The usually slicked back white hair of his is standing straight up like the quills of a porcupine. For all the crew knows, he could be sleepwalking.

“Hey, Bob, you okay?” Tom asks.

“Can’t…sleep,” Bob answers through barely parted lips.

“Is there anything we can do to help?”

“Read…riff…this.” Dr. Goodlover’s henchman holds up a book bound in black with a yellow Batman emblem on the front. “Called…The Day The Clown Came To Town.”

Warren starts to walk off. “I hate clowns, I’m not doing this.”

“Wait!” H.A.Y.E.S. stops his robot pal and gives him a smirk. “I have a pizza that needs to be picked up, Warren.”

“You’re kidding.” Warren keeps on moving, but H.A.Y.E.S stops him again.

“Hear me out. While Tom and I are riffing the story, presumably about a traveling circus, you can get the pizza using the ladder we keep on the bottom floor.”

“Whoa, wait. We’ve been able to escape this entire time?” Tom interjects.

Warren shrugs. “Whatever. But I demand to have half of the pizza when it’s all said and done.”

“You got it,” H.A.Y.E.S. says with a snap of his fingers.

“Seriously, if we can escape, we should,” Tom advises.

H.A.Y.E.S. doesn’t pay much attention though and gives Bob a big ol’ grin. “One riffed story, coming up!”

Bob presses the button to open the Study. The computer beeps. “Experiment has been approved. Transferring now.”

Tom Servo activates the button the main control panel. “Tom Servo, signing out.”

Test Subject(s): Tom C. Servo, H.A.Y.E.S.
Date: 12/18/2214

The Day The Clown Came To Town

Chapter One

The city had burned an internal invisible flame…

[H.A.Y.E.S: "... called love."]

…that soaked in fear like gasoline and licked hungrily away at hope and decency.

[Servo: Mmm, hope and decency tastes so good...]

People will die he warned Batman; you can stop this, he snickered once before – before the death and madness that had cast an endless night, but not a night, it seemed, Batman could protect.

[H.A.Y.E.S: "Is that so?" questioned Batman as he produced a small vial of reverse-aging serum drawn from Turritopsis dohrnii AKA the immortal jellyfish.]

Watch them punish at your expense…

[H.A.Y.E.S: Punish? Punish who? Who are they punishing?]

…he seemed to speak drawly, not hiding a smile; never hiding a smile.

[Servo: You could say he was photogenic.]

It had been months now since he had rode from the night, bathing in its cold…

[H.A.Y.E.S: "Night!" gasped the Caped Crusader. "You're so cold! And now you're all over my cape and cowl... guess I'll have to... take them off."]

…– the cold he now felt so familiar to – an old friend.

[H.A.Y.E.S: "B-but... but, Batsy," stammered the night, a blush of sunlight escaping from its infinite darkness. "I d-don't want this to ruin our friendship."]

They had hunted them, but they didn't see him as a protector or guardian, no.

[Servo: Is there something going on right now?]

Nothing had changed – the months of brutally trying to piece down the mob…

[H.A.Y.E.S: The Crime Kings of Gotham 5,000-piece puzzle set had claimed many a sanity in those months after its release, not just Batman's.]

…but with every face he saw that snickering lunatic and with every swing with all his might, The Joker in his head seemed to laugh his evil maddening laugh.

There was a fresh slit into the sky…

[Servo: Proof of global warming.]

…a hazy image of a vivid light piercing the cold bitter night…

[H.A.Y.E.S: Wait, a vague image of a vivid light? Conflict! Conflict!]

…and he would come – to his own shame he would beckon like a lap dog – a thought which made him miserable.

No more would die at his arrogance – and this could at the least prove to himself he was trying…

[H.A.Y.E.S: The citizens of Gotham would reward him a gold star for sure!]

…a thought that had been harder to conjure the last months.

[Servo: His mind would often wonder elsewhere. Like what was for dinner that night.]

The Batman was only feet away now from its pale white surface that illuminated the sky …

[H.A.Y.E.S: The pasty, hairless chest of a Batman nerd!]

…he could almost see the ghostly face of that smiling madman in its surface – but he turned quickly away as not to give Joker the advantage over his mind.

Commissioner Gordon had earned his hierarchy as commissioner during the previous madness…

[H.A.Y.E.S: ... by beheading the previous Commissioner, poisoning all his male children, and then marrying his widow.]

…and the Dark Knight couldn't help to ponder the burden that lay upon Gordon every time someone read his title.

The time had dwindled little on Gordon except for the image that he had not slept in weeks and probably would continue this tradition a few more nights.

[H.A.Y.E.S: He had become the night's new lover after Batman's betrayal.]

"I – I didn't think for a second you would come, we - … you have a problem -."

[H.A.Y.E.S: "Night is pregnant. It's yours."]

His voice was hard to think as soothing – its subtle confidence was not of one who held a gun.

"I came because I needed to come…

[Servo: I will let that line speak for itself.]

…to know that we have held strong since.

His voice was hard and gruff…

[H.A.Y.E.S: But it hid an artistic soul that only sought to express itself through dance.]

… it felt as if he had not spoken like this in years, originally he thought of it a way to hide his voice and in relation his real self but now he knew it to hide the fear and lack of hope he had held recently.

"Harleen Quinnzel, a psychologist harbored recently at Arkham Asylum…

[H.A.Y.E.S: An odd name for a harbor. And I think it's pronounced "ship," not "psychologist".]

…her most recent and most focused patient is the smiling bastard, Joker"

[Servo: Some people call him Maurice.]

Gordon's voice could have trembled but it would not have mattered to Gordon to show his fear – but rather to stop here with the stories end being the joker "tragically" dying.

[Servo: 'Oh no, the Joker beat himself to death with a golf club. How could this have happened?']

The batman mixed in perfect to the darkness above the solemn streets of Gotham tonight and his cape fluttered quietly, dancing in the wind.

[H.A.Y.E.S: "N-night?" murmured the Dark Knight through the chilly embrace of his former lover. "You... you forgive me?"]

" I ordered for update every four hours on the giggling trash that he is…

[Servo: 'Christ, Gordon, settle down.']

[H.A.Y.E.S: (*insults provided by a four-year-old.)]

…the last check up came with news of an empty cell and the identification card of one Harleen Quinnzel used twice!"

Gotham felt that feeling again…

[H.A.Y.E.S: The gentle caress of a nighttime that had found its relieve- its peace with a former lover and the father of its yet-to-be-born child.]

…that feeling of tasting metal, that impossibly forgetful feeling or taste, the air felt colder and instinctively Batman heard for sirens in the distance…

[H.A.Y.E.S: "Oh God," mouthed Batman silently. "The baby's coming."]

…screams of this…Harleen Quinnzel, he thought the worst had come, or even in the night he listened, straining to hear a bitter, cold chilling laugh.

[H.A.Y.E.S: Night refused to accept even now that its child, its baby girl made with Batman and nurtured under the love of Commissioner Gordon, had been born cold and unmoving... just as cold as its laughter now... its unbelieving laughter that belonged to a mourning mother in denial...]

End Transmission

Upon returning to the main room, Tom and H.A.Y.E.S. discover the display monitor still on. However, the spot previously occupied by Bob was now occupied by the much more lively and livid Dr. Goodlover. “What were you two doing in the Study?” he growls.

“Bob wanted us to read him a bedtime story,” Servo explains.

“Bedtime story?” Goodlover repeats vehemently. “It’s 10:30 in the morning!”

“We’re stuck in a hunk of metal in space, doctor. You expect us to know if it’s day or night where you are?” H.A.Y.E.S. fires.

Dr. Goodlover gazes off camera and frowns. “I suppose I should thank you for putting the rascal to bed, but that’d be below me. Expect an experiment later today.”

The screen turns off. At the same time, Warren returns from the other room with the pizza. His teeth are chattering. “I want two-thirds of this pi—pi—pizza,” he demands.

“We agreed on one-half, and one-half is what you get.” H.A.Y.E.S. snatches the pizza box with a snicker and plops down in the middle of the room. Tom joins him and they throw open the box. Instead of a steaming hot pizza, a chilled one glued to the cardboard meets their eyes. It barely looks edible.

“Oh…” Servo scoots back. “I don’t like cold pizza.”

“Warren…” H.A.Y.E.S. was sitting in disbelief. “You had one job.”

“I brought the pizza, didn’t I?”

“You brought me a cardboard box with pepperoni and cheese all over it.” H.A.Y.E.S. closes the box and tosses it into the garbage chute. The box gets sucked out into the vacuum of space and floats past the window. “Go get me another one, and get it in one of those sleeve things that keep the pizza warm.”

Warren throws up his tiny dino arms. “Screw it, I’m going to bed.”

“Warren!” H.A.Y.E.S. shout meets only the shut door of the barracks. He grumbles and puts his hand up to the side of his face again. “Looks like I have to make another call…”

“Wait!” Servo opens an oven installed into the back of the main control panel and pulls out a pizza.

“Is that…is that delivery?” H.A.Y.E.S. oogles at the golden-brown surface of the pizza and the steam rising from underneath the red pepperonis.

“No, it’s not delivery, it’s DiGiorno!” Tom sets the pizza on top of the panel and sniffs the fumes. “Product placement has never tasted so good!”

The computer states in its bland voice. “Transmission ended…but can I have some fo that pizza too, please?”

That's a wrap!

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Mystery Fiction Readers 3000: Terror of Raptoris

Postby Kubo » Wed Dec 31, 2014 9:00 pm

Cast of Characters for Episode 6
Tom Servo – Kubo
H.A.Y.E.S. – HayesAJones
Minerva – Giratina93

Special Guests:
Tohogei – toho_guy01
Dracula – Alucard

The Satellite of Hate is in a particularly wild frenzy. Turns out, Warren is having a birthday party. H.A.Y.E.S. had spent time on the previous orbit to prepare the main room with decorations, balloons full of space air, and party favors. Two tables are situated close to the Study, and Minerva and Tom occupy one of them. Upon Tom’s head is a birthday hat. A plastic fork sits between his fingers. Minerva, on the other hand, is messing with a birthday horn and eyeing the tiered cake situated on the control panel. It is H.A.Y.E.S’s pride and joy, and he relishes in its perfection each time he passes.

“My, would you like at the details on this cake?” he exclaims with a twirl.

“Why can’t we eat it now?” Minerva groans.

H.A.Y.E.S. speeds towards the table and presses his face into Minerva’s. “Because I said so!” He backs off and resumes cheerfully setting up. “Now, Dracula and Tohogei should be here soon—did I clean the bathrooms?”

“Wait, did you say Dracula?” Tom asks.


“Like, the prince of darkness?”

“Mhm. He and Warren go way back.”

Minerva shrugs and continues to eye the cake. “Never get the same reaction from people when I say that…”

“Unbelievable,” Tom chuckles.

A knock at the door downstairs.

“Our guests have arrived! Tom, Mini, be on your best behavior!”

The demon blinks and gapes at H.A.Y.E.S. as he leaves the room. “Did he just call me Mini?”

Shortly after, Dracula and Tohogei enter the main room. Dracula is dressed in a black and red spacesuit and struts in with his arm covering his mouth and nose. Without a cape though, the act seems incredibly goofy. The other guest is not human at all. His large maw is turned upwards in a wicked grin and he shakes the space dust out of his blue and green fur. In a way, Tohogei resembles Sully from Monsters Inc.. H.A.Y.E.S. follows in after them, blabbering on about the party favors and birthday cake.

Tom stands up to shake the guests’ hands. He first approaches Dracula. “It’s an honor to meet you, sir.” Dracula’s eyes scan the outstretched hand of Tom and in a flash, his hand shakes Tom’s. He moves without a word to Tom’s spot and sits down next to Minerva. Tom frowns and mutters, “That was my spot, but…okay…”

Before he can properly greet Tohogei, Tom is embraced in a hairy hug. “I LOVE YOUR SHOW! BIG FAN!”

Tom barely breaks out of the hug. “Ha, uh…thanks, man.”

The beast speeds over to the empty table and pulls out one of the seats for Tom. “I SAVED THIS SEAT FOR YOU!”

“I uh…” Tom scratches the back of his head. “Really wish I could’ve sat next to Minerva…”

H.A.Y.E.S. slaps Tom on the back. “He came all the way from Tucson, Arizona, Tom. Be nice.”

An awkward fifteen minutes pass. Tohogei picks at Tom’s brain, asking him all sorts of fan questions.

“What’s your favorite episode of Mystery Fiction Readers 3000?”

“Any episode other than this one.”

“Have you and Minerva ever kissed?”


“Will you ever kiss?”


“Do you worry that being a celebrity will cause you to change for the worst, to the point that you disown your family and go on a drug binge that eventually lands you on the unemployment list and in rehab?”

Servo can’t answer the question before Warren enters the room with the other robot. Warren sees all of his friends in the room and leaps for joy, clapping his awkwardly short arms together. “Oh, it’s even better than last year’s turn-out!”

“What was that like?” Tom inquires.

“Bigfoot and two Jawas showed up,” H.A.Y.E.S. answers. “And we didn’t invite them.”

The big display screen lights up, and Dr. Goodlover blows his own birthday horn at the camera. “Happy birthday, you soulless shell!”

“That’s not funny on multiple levels!” Warren cries.

“I got you the perfect birthday present. One you can share with everyone.” Dr. Goodlover holds up a green and white book.

Tom stands up. “This isn’t the time for experiments!”


“My god, what in the world is that thing?” Dr. Goodlover cries at the sight of Tohogei.

“I have an idea!” H.A.Y.E.S.’s head whirls about as he explains, “We all will do the experiment to entertain Warren on his birthday!”

A general grumbling rises from everyone at the tables except for Tohogei, who yips like a puppy in excitement.

“Frankly, I don’t care how you guys divvy up the story. I just want my results! Get in the Study and read!”

Tom holds moves to the center of the room and puts his hand out in front of him.

“Now’s not the time for the Hokey Pokey,” H.A.Y.E.S. remarks.

“For Warren.”

Tohogei slaps his hand on top of Tom’s. “For Warren.”

H.A.Y.E.S. rubs his chin. “Oh, I get it now…”

“For Warren,” says Minerva.

“For Warren,” says Dracula.

“For Warren,” says H.A.Y.E.S.

“For me!” Dr. Goodlover squeals. “Get in already!”

The computer beeps. “Experiment has been approved. Transferring now.”

With a nod to the beaming Warren, Tom presses the button on main control panel. “Tom Servo and friends, signing out.”

Test Subject(s): Tom C. Servo, H.A.Y.E.S., Minerva, Count Dracula II, Toho Guy #01
Date: 12/18/2214

February 9th, 1998
Musuem of Natural History, NY

[H.A.Y.E.S.: The first exhibit is on how to correctly spell, "museum."]

Rain pounded on the ground outside as the musuem closed down.

[Tohogei: Apparently, rain is like the Hulk.]

[Dracula: Hehehe, pounded.]

The pigeons roosted on the Tyrannosaur skeleton as the nightguards started their patrol. It would of seemed like any other night, exept for the edginess of the guards.

[Tohogei: Their edginess can cut off ye legs!]

[Minerva: The pigeons are there for good luck. I just know it.]

"I can't get that stupid letter out of my head"

[Servo:” X…X…X…”]

"Calm down, Phil, that threat letter was probably just a fake. Nobody's going to rob the musuem." Ham stated.

[H.A.Y.E.S.: "Dammit, haven't you seen the exhibit in the very front? It's M-U-S-E-U-M, you bookless savage!"]

[Servo: I expect only the hammiest of acting from a character named Ham.]

"I'm not so certain of that. It was sent along with a skull, remember?"

[Dracula: Skulls - the way to know if a threat letter is legitimate or not.]

30 minutes later

A harsh grinding sound woke up the 2 sleeping guards.

[Servo: The dance-club by night, museum by day system wasn’t really working out too well.]

"What was that?"

[Servo: “Sounded like…Dubstep.”]

"I don't know. We better check it out."

The 2 nightguards slowly came up to the door to the musuem, where the sound stopped. The 2 let out a sigh of relief.

[Servo: The fourth Night At The Museum movie had been scrapped.]

All of a sudden, an enormous explosion flung the 2 back, killing one of them. Phil could only see a dark silluet of a raptor with two horns on it running into the building. bullets sprayed everywhere as Phil opened fire on the thief, but the bullets only bonced off the creature.

[Tohogei: A mutant head on his side that died that day.]

Before he knew it, somthing flashed and Anti-matter slammed into him and Phil was hurled out of the building and the last thing he saw was the dark, demonic raptor running off with the prized gem from the musuem.


[Minerva: “I knew I shouldn’t have skipped that session of therapy last night” ]

[Servo: “Gwangi?”]

Outside the Musuem

Trinity let out a sigh of relief as she saw Raptoris clamber out of the Musuem.

[Dracula: Wake up, Neo.]

She ran up to himand hugged the mutant venatosaur in her image.

[Dracula: I can't judge what people are into these days.]

"I was so worried about you. Next time you go off and rob some place, tell me first."

[Minerva: “I just want in on the fun, and a cut of the profits”]

"Calm down, Trinity. Don't worry about me so much that you start crying.", Raptoris barked.

Suddenly, a glint of light shone in the sky for asecond…

[Dracula: It's time, my son.]

…then vanished as a harpoon shot past Raptoris, only missing by a few inches.


[Servo: Captain Nemo shakes his fist in anger at the dinosaur.]

"I say we better scramble out of here.", Trinity shrieked as the 2 lovers ran off into the night.

[H.A.Y.E.S.: Whoa, wait... what? Lovers? Trinity better by a raptor-demon too or else we have some problems, story.]

End of part 1
February 10th, 1998
Institution of Villanrey

[H.A.Y.E.S.: First lesson? How to spell, "villainy."]

Deep in the halls of the Institution of Villanrey, Raptoris was teaching a class about how to be a super villan.

[Dracula: Sign me up for one of those.]

"Does anyone have any questions?" Raptoris asked.

A hand raised itself in the back of the room.

[Servo: Thing was a straight-A student, but struggled in his oral classes.]


Darth Vader gained the courage to speak. "Raptoris, what is it about you that makes you ....tick?"

[Servo: A bomb.]

[Minerva: Urge to destroy story… rising…]

Raptoris responded, "Well, I guess I have to start at the beginning.

[Dracula: I'd rather you not.]

[Tohogei: "I swallowed a clock when I was young because I thought it would wake me up every morning. I ended up never sleeping at night because I couldn't turn it off"]

Both me and Trinity are Venatosaurs…


…that have been tested by scientist Dr. Serizawa.

[Dracula: A pointless namedrop. Great.]

A freak accident occured, killing the doctor, but giving me and Trinity superpowers. Trinity can transform into anything she wants to, has amazing regen, and is smarter than a super computer.

[H.A.Y.E.S.: But only one of those old ones. So... dumber than a graphing calculator or smartphone.]

I, on the otherhand, posses a near-impenetrable hide, can fly, can shoot Anti-matter spheres at opponents, can emit a Dark-matter Pulse, and secrete a venom from my maw. Any other questions?"

[Servo: You know, when he said he’d start at the beginning, I thought I was going to get some actual exposition. He cheated me out of a backstory, the villain!]

[Minerva: “Yes. How does it feel to be a broken piece of poop?” ]

Suddenly, the phone rang.

[Dracula: Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring. Banana phone.]

[Servo: “Is this Shinki’s Pizza and Delivery?”]

"Yes, what is it, Omega Ridley? What's that, E-woks have overrun the base and you're Spacepirates are getting massacred? I'll be right there."

[Servo: “I picked a hell of a day to stop drinking.”]

With that, the mutant Venatosaur walked out of the room and into a portal, which lead him into his lair.

[H.A.Y.E.S.: "... so does that mean that class is out early?]

End of Part 2

February 10th, 1998
The Lair

[H.A.Y.E.S.: I'm shocked it isn't spelled as the, "Liar."]

The sight that confronted Raptori as he entered the lair was one he didn't want to see.

[Dracula: And I imagine it would be one I wouldn't wanna see either.]

[Minerva: “It was so bad, he forgot the S in his name!”]

E-woks were nunning…

[Servo: Nu—nu…nunning?]

…rampant, leaping off computers to their deaths. A group of Sharpclaw and Spacepirates wee locked in a cage, being harrased by a Wookie. Worse yet, 3 Wampas were playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey... with an unconsious Omega Ridley as the donkey.

[Minerva: “STILL FAILING!”]

Instantly, the scene stopped…

[Servo: Hm? Oh, sorry, I had to pause the story after reading that last paragraph.]

…as the E-woks all turned and starred at the newcomer. Without warning, all Hell broke lose as the E-woks began running around in circles, screaming in terror before the Wookie and Wampas decided to settle things.

H.A.Y.E.S.: ... with an adult conversation and some coffee.

They barged their way through the ranks of E-woks and flung Raptoris to the ground.

[Dracula: Oh no no, bad touch.]

So, the pathetic sasquatches want to die, then they will, Raptoris though as he sprang back onto his feet and bellowed a challenge at his attackers. The wookie simply snapped…

[H.A.Y.E.S.: ... into a Slim Jim. OH YEAH!]

…lanching a barrage of bunches at Raptoris. After dodging them all, he grabbed the Wookie's skull and crshed it, blood and tissue sent flying. The Wampas lost their confidence, and fled the scene, followed by the E-woks.

[Servo: I picked a hell of a day to stop doing ecstasy.]

"What happened here? How did this happen?", Raptoris snarled afer he freed his troops.

[Minerva: “I swear, if it was another limbo party…”]

"One of the Sharpclaw fell asleep on the job."


"Bring in the traitor, instantly."

2 Spacepirates quickly dragged forth a cowering Sharpclaw, shaking over what it's punishment will be.

[Minerva: “Please, I’m sorry! I had no idea the wookies hated limbo parties!” ]

"Send him to the dungeon,"

[H.A.Y.E.S.: Oh, well, that' a much lighter sentence than I was expecting!]

Raptoris barked as the Spacepirates walked away.

[Dracula: Woof, woof.]

A large hole formed at the location of the Sharpclaw, hurdling him into the Dungeon. Looking up, the traitor witnessed a massive Allosaur limber out of it's cave, It's purple body scarred from numerous battles and it's tail dragging along the ground. Gwangi, the beast hissed as it devoured the helpless Sharpclaw.

[Servo: Gwangi.]

End of Part 3

[H.A.Y.E.S.: It's about the end of my patience too...]

End Transmission

“The cake? What happened to it?” Minerva exclaims. The tiered cake is missing from its throne. Some remnants are smeared along the walls and the floor.

“Didn’t know I stepped into a CSI episode,” Tom says.

A dinosaur claw can be seen behind the main control panel. The tips of the three-fingered hand are caked in white icing, and it twitches as all the party guests draw near. It belongs to Warren. His blue maw hangs open and his eyes are faintly lit. A gurgling sound escapes his mouth.

“Oh no! Warren’s in a sugar coma! Quick, someone call an ambulance!” H.A.Y.E.S. orders.

“There aren’t any ambulances in space!” Tom returns. He kneels beside Warren and gazes out into the vastness of space. “Is there anyone out there who can help us?”

“Do you hear that?” Dracula mutters.

“Sounds like…knocking,” Minerva suggests.

“KNOCKING!?” Tohogei throws his arms in the air and runs about the room screaming,

Servo presses a few buttons on the control panel, and the display screen lights up. The camera outside the main door to the satellite shows an astronaut. His face is hidden, but an American flag patch is on his upper arm. “Excuse me? State your business!” Tom demands.

The astronaut lifts up his visor and gives a thumbs-up to the camera.

“Oh my gosh! It’s Lance Armstrong!” H.A.Y.E.S. screams.

“I believe I can help your little robot friend,” Neil Armstrong says coolly.

Tom goes to the window and looks down at the astronaut. “Can we trust you?”

“Yeah! For all we know, you’d inject Warren with steroids!” H.A.Y.E.S. interjects.

Neil holds his hands up defensively. “I’m just a man trying to help out. The United States of America has sent me. They have hospitals that can treat his illness.”

“You promise to have him back? We need him for the next experiment,” Tom says.

“Cross my heart and hope to die.”

Warren’s inert body is carried downstairs by Tom and Tohogei. They put the robot in the air lock and shut the door. Shortly after the air is removed from the tiny red room, the outer door opens and Warren is taken up in Neil’s arms. He waves goodbye and the door shuts.

“I hope they don’t probe his butt,” H.A.Y.E.S. cuts in.

Tom jumps in surprise. He didn’t expect the mischievous robot to follow him down here. “Why would they do that?”

“I keep a stash of uh…’goods’ there, if you know what I’m saying.”

“H.A.Y.E.S.! You’re storing drugs in Warren?” The robot shrugs. “If they find that stuff, this place could be decommissioned!”

Tohogei gasps and gives a deranged grin. “You put drugs in someone’s butt too?”

The computer states in its bland voice, “Transmission ended.”

That's a wrap!

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Mystery Fiction Readers 3000: Without A Clue

Postby Kubo » Mon Mar 23, 2015 11:42 am


Cast of Characters for Episode 7
Tom Servo - Kubo
H.A.Y.E.S. - HayesAJones
Minerva - Giratina93
Special Guest: Dracula - Alucard

The Satellite of Hate hovers over the dark side of the earth. Warren has been on everyone’s mind since Neil Armstrong took him away for the treatment of his sugar coma. H.A.Y.E.S. in particular is somber, the usual mustache twirling antics of his reduced down to occasional sarcastic stabs at Minerva’s demonic rituals in the barracks.

Tom had negotiated a deal with Dr. Goodlover so he could not continue experimentation until a fourth subject was introduced. Assuming Warren would make a swift return, Tom assumed this to be a good deal. However, something was about to occur that would spoil his efforts…

A flaming object speeds towards the Satellite of Hate from the earth’s atmosphere. Minerva is the first to notice. She gets up from her bed closest to the barrack window and enters the main room where H.A.Y.E.S. and Tom are engaged in a game of Guess Who?

“I don’t want to ruin your exhilarating game, but I think a flaming comet is on a collision course with the Satellite,” she says without much concern in her voice.

“A flaming projectile?” Servo rubs his chin. “Must be a hint about Hayes’s character.”

“No, I’m serio—“

“Minerva, why are you helping Tom?” H.A.Y.E.S. roars. “He’s won every single game so far and I finally had a chance to beat him!”

“I strongly urge you both to look outside,” Minerva calmly suggests.

Tom smirks and runs his finger down each row of faces. “Fire can’t exist in space. Physics dictate that—hey!”

Minerva drags the human by his collar to the window. The orange blip is now taking shape. Two thin wings jut out from the sides and one long yellow one runs down the back.

Tom’s eyes widen. “Prepare the Satellite for battle mode! Engage mega turbo thrust and fire all the lasers we got at the incoming vessel!”

“We don’t have either of those things,” Minerva reports. Her high heel boots tap the metal floor with impatience.

“If only Warren was here!” H.A.Y.E.S. exclaims as he joins Minerva and Tom at the window. “We could have used his body as a projectile to knock that spaceship off course.”

“Minerva, do something!” Servo demands. The spaceship is closing in. The ship is no larger than the barracks, but at its speed, the Satellite could be ripped apart!

Minerva shrugs. “Say please.”

“Please! Oh, please!!”

Her eyes light up with a light green hue. “That’s all you had to say.”

In an instant, the flaming spaceship halts. “Aha! We caught the fiend! Let’s rip him out of that cockpit and tear him limb from limb!” H.A.Y.E.S. squeals.

“That’s not exactly what I had in mind,” Minerva quietly addresses her robot companion. “But I do want to know who’s responsible for this…”

The ship drifts towards the docking bay under Minerva’s power. A clamping sound echoes through the Satellite. Whoever, whatever, tried to attack the Satellite is now onboard.

“Follow me,” Minerva instructs as she saunters out of the main room. The two other occupants follow reluctantly. Sure, Minerva has powers beyond comprehension, but they could only imagine what sort of creature had just connected with the Satellite.

The docking bay opens. There are four circular doors around the room, each leading out into space. All except for one. And that door is open. H.A.Y.E.S. stays outside the docking bay and watches from behind the doorframe. “I did not sign up for this Alien crap, man!”

Minerva rolls her eyes. “What a chump.”

Tom and Minerva near the door. Down the short hallway, they see a figure silhouetted by a red light. It is enough to freeze them solid. The figure withdraws from the red light and his face becomes clear, and everyone is relieved at the sight of Dracula.

“I am sorry to have returned to your ship uninvited like this, but,” Dracula raises an arm and points with a wiry finger, “my spaceship malfunctioned when I tried to make my reentry. That is also why I nearly collided with your ship.”

“No need to explain yourself. You can stay here for as long as you need,” Tom says with a smile.

Everyone returns to the main room. H.A.Y.E.S. and Tom watch as Minerva and Dracula take over their Guess Who? game. The tiles are reset and a new game begins.

“Sure, go ahead,” Tom remarks under his breath.

H.A.Y.E.S. inspects Dracula’s chosen character and nods. His eyes meet Minerva’s and he mouths the name, “Alfred.”

“Are you serious?” Minerva screams, standing up and throwing the board game across the room. “You are so dead!”

“Excuse me!” Dr. Goodlover’s voice reverberates through the room. “I’m sure I caught you at a bad time, and I’m okay with that.”

“I told you not to contact us until Warren gets back,” Tom growls.

“But I just got this bundle of books from the store, and I need your opinions on them.” Goodlover smirks. “Besides, you only told me you needed a fourth riffer, and I count one, two, three, four riffers present.”

Tom curses and reluctantly stares up at Goodlover’s smug face on the main display. “…What do you have for us today?”

“Wait, you’re just giving in?” Minerva interjects. She grabs Tom by the shoulder and glares at him. “We don’t have to listen to that psycho.”

“Actually,” Dr. Goodlover pushes a button offscreen. Minerva lights up in blue energy and her knees buckle. She drops to the floor and tries to regain her breath. “You do have to listen to me. I control each of you. And that includes you, Dracula.”

Dracula hisses and hides his face behind his cape. Everyone watches the vampire stare down Goodlover. It’s not the slightest bit intimidating, and Dr. Goodlover stares back in complete confusion. Dracula’s eyes flick shut and he throws down his caped arm. “I am defeated. He outstared me.”

Dr. Goodlover’s eyebrows raise in satisfaction. “Now get in the Study, all of you, and read this book here, uh…called Without A Clue. Hm. I’m sure it’s an appropriate title.”

The computer beeps. “Experiment has been approved. Transferring now.”

Tom presses the button and follows the slouching vampire with his eyes as he stumbles into the Study. “Tom Servo and friends, signing out.”

Test Subject(s): Tom C. Servo, H.A.Y.E.S., Minerva, Count Dracula II
Date: 03/23/2215


[H.A.Y.E.S.: Hey, Tom! It's your life story.]

Inspector Lestrade squared his shoulders and tilted his chin determinedly.

[Dracula: If it's a fight you want, a fight you'll get.]

"I say it was you, Colonel, in the library with the lead piping!"

[Minerva: “You were the one who changed the plumbing there!”]

There was a long pause…

[Dracula: I can imagine.]

…before Inspector Bradstreet, to Lestrade's left, raised a hand…

[H.A.Y.E.S.: "Marry me."]

…and said, "I can disprove that."

"Damn." The chagrined mutter provoked a snigger of amusement from my own left, but I ignored it.

[Servo: A…snigger?]

"Very well, Bradstreet, what do you think happened?"

[H.A.Y.E.S.: "Stampede of water buffalo. I've seen it a million times.]

Bradstreet stroked his moustache…

[Dracula: Stroke that MOUSTACHE. Stroke it.]

…and looked thoughtfully at the table before him.

[Minerva: “I think, the tables are the ones at fault!”]

He moved a few items to his satisfaction…

[Dracula: At this point, we realized Bradstreet had self-diagnosed himself with OCD.]

…and leaned back in his chair, blowing a ring of cigar smoke towards the ceiling. "I would like to charge the professor, and I say the deed was done in the ballroom, with the revolver."

[Servo: ‘Twas the dance of death.]

This time, to Lestrade's delight, I was the one to pour cold water on the theory.

[Servo: The theory hardened and perked up.]

"I am afraid I have evidence to the contrary," I said, and showed the inspector the relevant documents.

[Minerva: “These are the documents I pulled out of my ass”]

Bradstreet's face fell.

[H.A.Y.E.S.: "JESUS CHRIST, MY FACE IS ON THE FLOOR. Well, time to go and join the cast of Five Nights At Freddy's 3, I guess.]

[Dracula: Three second rule.]

"Well, then, Doctor, what do you say?"

I examined all the facts before me.

[Dracula: Cockroaches can live for a week without their heads? What is this?]

The crime could not possibly have been committed in either the ballroom, the kitchen or the study, and the cook, the reverend and the professor had all been exonerated. After some careful thought, I announced, "I say that Mrs Peacock killed him with the dagger, in the conservatory. Can anyone prove me wrong?"

[H.A.Y.E.S.: Nope. They're out of loose leaf.]

[Servo: Murmurs rise from the republican party…]

There was silence from my left. A wisp of cigarette smoke drifted past my nose, and I waved it away, turning to the source.

[Minerva: “This is a non-smoking zone!”]

[Servo: “Second-hand smoke kills, dickweed.”]

"Well, Holmes? Can you disprove my theory?"

Sherlock Holmes sat with his arms folded and his eyes closed, as he had done for much of the time since we took our seats around the table. Slowly one eyelid lifted.

[H.A.Y.E.S.: A fly landed on the glazed eye. Holmes had been dead for weeks and his bloated corpse was beginning to make all sort of odd movements.]

[Dracula: Hamsters blink one eye at a time.]

"I can disprove each and every theory any one of you makes," he said. "In fact, I would go so far as to make an accusation of my own: that the crime was perpetrated by none other than Colonel Mustard, in the dining room with the candlestick."

[Servo: I’m trying to ketchup with Sherlock’s logic. Heh heh.]

[Dracula: do you manage that?]

A collective groan ran round the table.

[Dracula: Wait, what?]

Bradstreet flung down his cards in disgust.

[Dracula: Wait, WHAT?]

Lestrade threw up his hands with an annoyed shout.

[Dracula: Oh, you made me think this was an actual case. Haha, SCREW YOU.]

"Holmes!" I exclaimed. "That was the fastest one yet – we have barely been playing for ten minutes! You must have seen the cards I placed in the envelope!"

[H.A.Y.E.S.: "N-no," Holmes denied, quickly hiding a mail order pair of X-ray glassed behind his back. He had burned through too many boxes of cereal to be caught now.]

He smiled slightly and shook his head. "Not so, my dear Watson. It was an elementary deduction based upon your reactions, combined with a simple process of elimination. There was no cheating involved."

[Minerva: “This is where I get my BS detective skills from… Making you all look like pansies”]

[Servo: I tried using the same logic for the SAT, but the proctor had none of it.]

"Playing with you is no fun at all," I grumbled, reaching for my tumbler of whisky. The two inspectors looked equally sulky. "You have won every game."

[H.A.Y.E.S.: If you're all such sore losers, maybe don't play with THE GREATEST DETECTIVE IN HISTORY then.]

Holmes threw back his head and shouted with laughter before leaping up and crossing to the mantelpiece for his pipe. Casting a glance at the board and cards which littered the table, he sniffed disdainfully. "It is a child's toy. I do not believe it will catch on. What do the general public know of solving crimes?"

[Minerva: “It’s like instant messaging through electricity or moving images in boxes. It will NEVER catch on.”]

And so we learnt never to play games with the world's only private consulting detective.

[Dracula: A little too late.]

[H.A.Y.E.S.: Holmes had gunned down all the other with his revolver.]

Author's Note: I am aware that Cluedo didn't come into being until 1949, but this little plot bunny popped up and wouldn't go until I'd written it. Inspiration came from my friends' declaration that they hate playing the game with me because I always win. :)

[H.A.Y.E.S.: Well, this story sure made the rest of us lose.]

End Transmission

Dr. Goodlover watches with eager anticipation as his test subjects return to the main room. Their expression, as many times before, are chipper and more lively than when they entered the Study. His mustache rustles and he runs his pale hand through his stringy white hair. “How is it that you guys always survive my experiments? It’s like you enjoy them or something!”

“We do!” Tom remarks, leaning against the main control panel. H.A.Y.E.S. and Dracula share a joke between each other quietly and snicker at Goodlover.

“What are you two saying about me?” the mad doctor snaps.

H.A.Y.E.S. indicates the book he’s holding. “We’ve come to the conclusion that you wrote this dreck.”

“Wha--?” Goodlover laughs and removes his gaze from the camera. “Nonsense. I’d never send you guys my writing. It’s far too good for experimentation purposes…”

H.A.Y.E.S. squints and shakes his finger towards Doctor Goodlover. “When I find out that this set of novels is your doing, I will inform all the major newspapers in the Milky Way.”

“The story smelt of human blood,” Dracula documents. “Like that of a malnourished Boston citizen who’s resided in a cave for some years.”

All eyes fall on Goodlover. “I’ve been a vegetarian for four years! That can’t be my blood!”

“So who’s responsible?”

“Hey, Doc, did you bring in the box of Twinkies I ordered?” Bob asks from off-screen. No words are exchanged, but it becomes clear who Dr. Goodlover is getting his latest batch of stories from. The white-haired Bostonian forces himself in front of the camera and waves at the crew. “Hey guys, what story did you have to suffer through today?”

Servo turns away from the display screen. “Uh…”

“It was a sequel to Garfield’s Royal Rescue,” H.A.Y.E.S. answers swiftly.

“Can I read it?”

Dr. Goodlover whacks Bob over the head with his own book. “Go get your box of Twinkies. They’re in the kitchen.”

“Oh, goodie!” Bob rushes away.

“I owe you guys one,” Dr. Goodlover quietly mutters.

“How about a good story?” H.A.Y.E.S. asks.

Goodlover’s jovial expression fades. “Funny.” The transmission ends, and a spinning hourglass replaces the doctor’s face.

“Bob’s going to find out eventually,” Minerva remarks as she returns to the barracks to continue her rituals.

“I know,” Tom chuckles.

The computer states in its bland voice, "Transmission ended."

That's a wrap!

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Mystery Fiction Readers 3000: PostMortem

Postby Kubo » Wed Jan 13, 2016 9:01 am

Cast of Characters for Episode 8
Tom Servo - Kubo
H.A.Y.E.S. - HayesAJones

“We have gathered today to discuss the growing threat of crustless sandwiches in children’s lunchboxes!” H.A.Y.E.S. declares from behind the control panel.

Minerva and Tom watch the robot wave his arms in the air like an inflatable tube guy. They are seated at a lone card table. One extra chair is to the right of Minerva, but Dracula is not in attendance. “You have our attention. Please continue,” Minerva states, unenthused.

“The crust is the healthiest part of the sandwich! Without its nourishment, sandwiches do not supply children with the nutrients they need in order to whistle!”

“Your whole argument is that kids are forgetting how to whistle?” The female demon, hunched over the table, head in hand, rolls her eyes.

“That’s precisely what my argument is!” H.A.Y.E.S. continues with doubled energy. “In the 1950’s, children were fluent in whistling! They could keep up a fine tune and even harmonize with each other! A slump in the 60’s permanently cut the demographic in half. Things were okay in the seventies. There was disco of course, and a fever that only occurred on the last day of the week, but whistling was practiced by many a child. It wasn’t until the advent of Uncrustables in 1999 that we saw the nastiest decline in whistling. And now, one in every forty-seven and two-thirds children can whistle but a single note! I dare you to ask little Billy to whistle the Andy Griffith Show theme! He wouldn’t be able to!”

“Maybe it’s because he doesn’t know the theme in the first place,” Tom interjects. “I don’t even know the theme, for crying out loud!”

“A moot point for a counterargument,” H.A.Y.E.S. dismisses.

Minerva is about to rebuttal, but Tom motions for her to keep her opinion. The red robot would only come back with an even more ridiculous statement.

The huge display screen lights up, and Goodlover’s face drags the entire room down. “My favorite little guinea pigs, all together in their cage.” A further inspection of the crew causes the scientist to scowl. “Albeit a bunch of ugly guinea pigs.”

“Pot calls the kettle what?” H.A.Y.E.S. taunts.

Dr. Goodlover grits his teeth and glares at the robot. “Sometimes, I wonder why I ever programmed you, H.A.Y.E.S.”

“To be your foil, of course.”

“On to more important matters, doctor, do you have something for us to read today?” Servo asks.

“Of course. I wouldn’t grace this room with my presence if I didn’t.”

“Is that how he sees it?” H.A.Y.E.S. snickers.

Dr. Goodlover holds up a pink book. The title, written in red ink, reads “Post Mortem”. Under it, the author’s name: “B.S. Smithers”. The doctor looks at the title and sighs. “Bob outdid himself on this one. Do any of you like Nightwing, Robin, or Batman?” H.A.Y.E.S. and Tom raise a hand. “You can sign up for psychiatric therapy afterwards. It’ll be on the house.”

Tom is surprised by Goodlover’s generosity. “Aw, really?”

“No!” Dr. Goodlover shouts. “Get your lazy butts in the Study! Now!”

Minerva, who had not previously spoken, suddenly stands up. “I’ve read this before, doctor.”

Goodlover throws his hands in the air. “So?”

“So I’m sitting this one out. I came onto this satellite with the intent of reading earth’s finest literature, and I know from my previous experience that this story is not on par with the masterpieces you’ve sent us.”

Tom glances over at H.A.Y.E.S. and quietly remarks, “I can’t tell if she’s joking about the masterpiece bit or not…”

An annoyed start from the scientist. “But—“

“You heard me.”

“…My experi—“


Dr. Goodlover frowns. “You’re lucky I’m in a good mood, Minerva.” He adjusts a few knobs on a machine off camera. “H.A.Y.E.S., Tom. I’d apologize for sending anything less than a masterpiece, but frankly I’m above that.”

“Rest assured, I’m sure it’s a decent story at its core,” Tom sarcastically remarks.

“It’s not,” is Minerva’s response.

The artificial pupils in Hayes’s eyes dilate with excitement. Grabbing Tom by the arm and practically flooring the astronaut in the process, Hayes wheels down the hall and into the Study.

“Experiment has been approved. Transferring now.”

Test Subject(s): Tom C. Servo, H.A.Y.E.S., Minerva, Count Dracula II
Date: 01/11/2216


The realization hits him like a truck;

[Servo: Plot twist: it actually was a truck that hit him.]

the realization that when Tim-Robin-calls the name 'Batman' at his side, it's him. His name.

[H.A.Y.E.S.: His parents were far bigger comic book nerds than could be imagined.]

Tim's worried about him, as he should be. Seeing how Dick hasn't eaten in days except for a few slices of bread, maybe a loaf or two.

The epiphany comes to Tim in the middle of early morning, before the sun peaks, hits Wayne Manor with its rays.

[H.A.Y.E.S.: Ray Charles, Ray Bradbury, and Ray William Johnson- all slamming into Wayne Manor like wrecking balls!]

He walks, long strides down the hallway to Dick's room.

[Servo: It was the only way Tim could avoid the toys strewn about the place.]

His new room as he was designated master of the house. The door doesn't creak, it slides open easily…

[Servo: Thanks to Riddler Aerosol Lubricating Oil! Buy yours today!]

…and Tim looks toward the bed in the dark. Dick is not there, the bedding is almost perfect as if the man merely sat there for a period of time, then left for something else.

[Servo: Like a better story.]

[H.A.Y.E.S.: Or as if he, oh, I dunno... made the bed before he left.]

As he closes the door, he knows where his older brother must be.

[H.A.Y.E.S.: Yet he doesn't knows how to use tenses correctly.]

It's a short walk to Bruce's room; the door is already cracked and he can hear Dick's breathing come through the silence of the manor.

[H.A.Y.E.S.: "Neat and tidy, folded and tucked, everything must be in its place, hehehehe~! It's proper, neat, tidy, folded, tucked place, hehe~!"]

Tim takes slow, light steps inside, standing behind the figure of his brother. The man doesn't move from the bed, just lies there, dressed only in one of Bruce's button-up shirts.

[H.A.Y.E.S.: Which he then promptly removed and folded. The madman!]

It's hard for Tim to place his hand on Dick's shoulder and say, whisper his name. He can feel a shuddering breath under his palm before Dick is shifting.

"I…I almost-I almost forgot he's gone, Tim. I-I forgot that I'm not Nightwing anymore. I thought I could come home…hug him-love him."

[Servo: Think again.]

"Dick…it's alright."

"No-it's not. I thought he could-"

[H.A.Y.E.S.: "-make his bed by himself, but he couldn't. So I killed him."]

"I know."

"I was forgetting. So I had to remind myself."

"Don't do this."

[H.A.Y.E.S.: "Stop making beds."]

"I hate him."

[H.A.Y.E.S.: "He never made his bed."]

"You don't. You never."

[H.A.Y.E.S.: "I am. Stuck saying. Only two. Word sentences. Help me."]

"I hate him for making me into this. Into *his*."

There's a moment of comprehension, a moment for Tim to understand.

[H.A.Y.E.S.: Dick was kind of a whiny skreeonk.]

He strokes a line up Dick's spine, along the expensive fabric before he lies down to wrap himself around he man.

[Servo: Slowly, Tim consumes Dick and the two morph into one hellish fiend…]

Dick turns in his arms, blue eyes glinting slightly in the dim light.


"Shh…you don't have to."

[Servo: “You don’t have to put on your red dress.”]

[H.A.Y.E.S.: "I'll fold the sheets from now on."]

The morning is silent, Bruce's bed is warm with their bodies, and Tim understands.

[Servo: I don’t.]

Chapter 2

[Servo: What, was the brothers in bed thing not enough to put this story in the ground?]

Tim's opinion of Thomas Elliot would never change, not even because he looks almost exactly like the man Tim loved-*loves*.

[H.A.Y.E.S.: Marlon Brando.]

He watches the man through the security feeds from Hush's cell to the Batcave, every day, every night like it consumes his life now, less then Gotham, but still...

[Servo: Man, Ben Affleck’s Batman is way weirder than I imagined.]

It's an obsession, maybe because now more then ever he realizes Bruce is gone. Jason and Dick catch on fast, they notice these things because well, they have to now. Jason's staying closer at Tim's side, maybe only because he wants to get glimpses of the man he once loved, face cut and sewn to look like the young man's first mentor.

[H.A.Y.E.S.: Bob Ross.]

Jason isn't allowed to visit Tommy, nor does he ever ask to.

[Servo: I’ve asked the question “Who?” so many times that Roger Daltrey showed up at my door.]

It's Tim weekly personal check-up on their prisoner and he is playing along like the perfect captive, but that's all it is: playing.

[Servo: When you put a four-year old in a prison cell…]

Tim knows even if the others don't, but it's these moments where he wishes he could drop the man to the bottom of Gotham Harbor.

[H.A.Y.E.S.: But the inescapable fact is that the human body is buoyant and nothing will ever change that. Why is life so hard?]

Tommy smiles every time Tim pulls up the single chair and looks at him through the clear cell walls. "He was skreeonking you," the man says this time. He tips his head to the side just a bit, blinks and laughs. Tim does nothing but watch, seeming perfectly content.

[Servo: The massaging chair was a good investment, Tim concludes.]

"He was, I can tell. *That's* why it's always you. It could just as well be Grayson."

"Or Jason," Tim says quickly.

[Servo: Or Bob. Or Fred. Or Orlando. Or literally anyone.]

"How is that fine piece of-"

[H.A.Y.E.S.: "... real estate that I've had my eye on since February? It's a nice place, I'd love to buy it, but the price is just too high right now."]

"He's fine. And he doesn't love you anymore."

"He says that everyday to himself like he's trying to make it true."

"It is true."

There's a sly little grin across the man's face-Bruce's face-and Tommy sits back on his bed and watches Tim over the rise of his chest. "But I'm the only person who understands him, knows his body, how to-"

[H.A.Y.E.S.: "-cook a baked potato in under five minutes.]

"I'm not here to talk about him."

"You're not here to talk."

[Servo: How to Deal With a Prostitute v1.1]

"You're right."

" *were being skreeonked by him."

"My life is none of your business."

[H.A.Y.E.S.: "Which is why I visit you on a consistent basis. I want nothing to do with you!"]

Tommy's standing against the cell wall, watching the small movements of Tim's body, watching his blue eyes flicker. There's a few minutes of silence before the man speaks again, "I think some days you wish I were Bruce.

[H.A.Y.E.S.: "The mechanical shark, I mean. You're a big Jaws fan, right?"]


"Ah, so maybe now you and Jason are-"

"Maybe, maybe not. I wouldn't tell you either way."

"You remind me a lot of Bruce. Tell did he die."

[Servo: His relationship with the night took a turn for the worst shortly after their divorce. She started demanding child support and full custody, and when he didn’t pay, Bruce ended up on the wrong end of a gun.]

[H.A.Y.E.S.: "Dehydration. Caught a stomach bug in South America and overcrapped himself the week after."]

"Like a hero."

"That's what your kind always says."

[Servo: This is not about race, Tommy. Stop being so naïve.]

"He didn't run and he wasn't afraid."

[H.A.Y.E.S.: Well, it IS sorta hard to run when you've got the monster squirts. It gets... slippery.]


"You may have known him during childhood, but you don't know the man he grew into."

[H.A.Y.E.S.: "He screamed the whole time he was on the toilet. That's the sort of man he was- one with great lungs."]

"How old were you?"

"Old enough to know what I was getting myself into."

"Hmph...good enough answer for me."

[Servo: You’re never too young to star in a terrible story.]

End Transmission

“Well I can’t wait to explain this to—ah you’re here now! Lovely!” Goodlover claps his hands with feigned joy.

Tom and H.A.Y.E.S. emerge from the Study and find the main area empty. Minerva is busy elsewhere. Seeing Goodlover’s sweaty round face so close to the camera causes Tom to jump in surprise. “Are you that eager to see us return or what, you creep?”

“If only to be the bearer of bad news.”

“We’re reading one of your stories next time?” H.A.Y.E.S. chirps.

Dr. Goodlover takes a step away from the camera. “No, not at all, my pesky little robot friend. You see, in your eagerness to get into the Study, you failed to follow proper procedure for acquiring the story and starting the experiment.”

“But we have read the story,” Tom rebuts. “We created and logged our transmission.”

“Even so, the time it will take to transfer that experiment file to me now will put me behind schedule in my quest for world domination. I have decided that you and H.A.Y.E.S. will be working overtime on these stories! I need to your suffering…expedited!”

“Scheduling hasn’t been your forte, Goodlover,” H.A.Y.E.S. calmly asserts. “It’s quite scatterbrain as is. I feel my inner machinations rusting away inside of me between experiments. My line isn’t known for its longevity, unfortunately.”

“When was the last one, H.A.Y.E.S.?” Tom asks his red robotic friend. “Last year, roughly?”

Dr. Goodlover clenches his jaw in frustration and silences the two pestering lab rats. “You will do finish with my experiments, or I will send your little home into deep space.”

The display turns to static before H.A.Y.E.S. can make a pun about Uranus. The computer states in its familiarly bland voice, “Transmission ended.”

That's a wrap!

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