UltramanGoji wrote:In the not-too-distant future
Or whenever this takes place.
There was a guy named Tom,
Way too different from you and me.
He worked at Goodlover Institute,
Just another face that worked too much.
He went to a party thrown by his boss,
But I guess he didn't like him
So he shot him into space.
I'll send him cheesy fanfics,
The worst on the web (la-la-la).
He'll have to sit and read them all,
And I'll monitor his mind (la-la-la).
Now keep in mind Tom can't control
Where the stories are coming from (la-la-la)
He'll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his co-star friends!
Co-Star Roll Call:
Gengetsu! (At your service!)
Haaaayes! (Wait, I'm on?!)
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes
and other nerdy things (la la la),
Just repeat to yourself, "It's just a story,
I should really just relax
For Mystery Fiction Readers 3000!"
Discussion Thread: Click to Engage
Cast of Characters for Episode 1
Tom Servo - Kubo
Tom Servo cracks open an eye. Wherever he is, it smells heavily sanitized. He sits up and rubs his head. As he surveys his surroundings, he grows increasingly uneasy. The metallic, spherical room, the air-lock doors, the cold pizza on the white floor; he had fallen asleep on the doctor's satellite! It bore a sophisticated, science-like name that gave Tom a headache, and Tom had never been a fan of Dr. Goodlover's wacky space vessel. He recalled that Goodlover threw a party when it was completed, and Tom attended solely for the food and women (that Nurse Joy was a real heartthrob). He figures that no one bothered to wake him, so Tom fixes his brown hair that falls to his shoulders and heads to the exit.
The air-lock door opens with a snake's hiss, and Tom proceeds through. Then, as his hands wrapped around the valve to open the door, he notices a beautiful display of blue, white, and green outside.
"Is this a joke?" Tom grumbles as he recognizes the green, high-heeled boot of Italy. He returns to the room where had come from and stares out the panoramic window. The twinkling stars and cosmic titans move about him like a perpetual mobile, and Tom's mouth hangs open in confusion and awe. Dr. Goodlover had shot him into space!
Tom grows infuriated at the thought. How could his employer have done this to him? "I'm one of the hardest workers at Goodlover's Institute!" Surely, this was all a misunderstanding!
Quickly, he rushes to the control room. A massive black screen rests on the right wall, facing out towards the stars. By the window, there is a control board with every possible lever, button, and knob your mind can imagine. Servo knows it well, though. In fact, it was his lone contribution to the satellite. So, he throws a few switches and dials in a combination and the screen buzzes to life. A black and white hourglass appears, and Servo groans.
"I told him he should've gotten something other than Magic Jack Internet," Tom says.
The hourglass disappears as does the static. In its place is the bald, sweaty head of Dr. Goodlover. He has a wry grin that fits almost too perfectly under his bushy black mustache. "Why hello, Tom! Good to see you!"
"Dr. Goodlover," Servo returns. He restrains himself from going ballistic because while Goodlover is a demented soul, he is the only person on earth capable of bringing Tom back safely.
"I was concerned that you hadn't survived the launch, but since you're awake now, I should probably explain myself," Goodlover says with a hint of resentment. Tom assumes the doctor would've enjoyed watching him run around the Satellite like a mouse in a maze, but there was something worse up his lab coat.
Dr. Goodlover stares off-screen as he speaks, clearly reading a teleprompter. "You've been sent on a...pioneer mission to test man's capacity...to endure--Bob, for crying out loud, could you move the prompt a little faster? I'd like to get this done before Wheel of Fortune comes on." Dr. Goodlover fixes his thick black glasses and continues faster, "You've been sent on a pioneer mission to test man's capacity to endure terrible fan fictions. The first test story is from FanFiction.net. The plot revolves around Legolas and a little girl he finds in the woods."
"That doesn't sound too bad," Tom says.
Goodlover's thick eyebrows raise and he sighs. "It's bad."
"Okay, it's bad."
"No, I don't think you understand, Tom. It's bad," Dr. Goodlover wipes a sweat bead from his forehead and holds a small yellow book in front of his face. "If you can read this and survive, then I'll bring you home safe and sound, though I can't ensure your mental stability afterwards."
Tom Servo dismisses the doctor's and warnings. "Yeah, yeah, I hear you loud and clear."
Dr. Goodlover takes a breath and resumes playing his evil self. "I'll be monitoring all of your vitals while you read, in case something spikes. And don't stop reading until you're completely finished!"
"What will you do if the whole thing goes according to plan?" Tom asks.
In a less than passable impersonation of Vincent Price, Goodlover declares, "I shall unleash the monstrosity upon all of mankind! Now get in the Study and start reading, you baboon!"
The old wooden door that was terribly out of place on the satellite opens, revealing a long hallway of other doors, each marked with a number. Servo takes one last look at Dr. Goodlover, who was eyeing him like a hawk.
Tom holds down the recording button and states in a monotone voice. "This is Tom Servo, preparing to begin Experiment #1."
The computer beeps. "Experiment has been approved. Transferring now."
Tom takes a deep breath and braces himself. The final door, a medieval gate, lifts. Almost against his will, Servo's feet drag him towards the Study. He presses the button one more time. "Tom Servo, signing out."
Test Subject(s): Tom C. Servo
Legolas was riding along the woods
[Servo: Because the woods are scary when you go in them.]
and one day he found a baby whaped in colth so he got off his horse and went to the baby
[Servo: Sauron's latest innovation in capturing elves is closely being monitored as Legolas nears...]
and then Legolas said"who left you here little one"and then the baby just cryed and then Legolas pick her up and hold her and then the baby stoped crying and then Legolas
[Servo: THREW IT ON THE GROUND!]
said"your name is going be Laura"and then Legolas and the baby went onto the horse and went back to the castle where he lived.Legolas said"father mother
[Servo: Or mother father, I always forget.]
I found this little baby in the woods
[Servo: 'Damnit, Legolas, that's the fifteenth one this week!']
and then Legolas mother got up and walked down and said"how can people put baby in the woodsand to die".
[Servo: 'You're drunk again aren't you?']
Then Legolas father said"we are going to keep her"
[Servo: She will be the headpiece to our banquet this evening. Chimchi, prepare the ovens!]
and then Legolas was happy for someriseing.
10 Years Later
[Servo: The feast remained a night to remember for all those in attendance.]
Legolas got up and went into Laura's room and said"good moring"and then Laura said "good moring too".
[Servo: The letter 'n', ladies and gentlemen.]
Then Legolas said"whats a matter"and then Laura said"Legolas I want to know how to ride a horse".
[Servo: skreeonk, please!]
Then Legolas said"Ok"and then Legolas said"first you get dresses and have something to eat and then we will go for a horse ride lesson".Mean while Strider and Gandalf was rideing towards where Legolas lived and then Strider said"Gandalf I did not know Legolas had a sister"and then Gandalf said"I did not know aswell".
[Servo: The feelings of exclusion from the Elven kingdom begin to settle in.]
Mean While at Mondor the dark lord was planing to kidnap the princess but not Legolas.
[Servo: Oh sure, pick on the one who can't a ride a horse...dickweed.]
Then the boss of the Orcs came and said"I'll get her for you sir"and then the Dark lord said"yes you can".
Mean while Legolas and Laura was horseriding and then Laura said"Legolas whos that"and then Legolas looked and it was Gandalf and Strider.
[Servo: 'Fetch me my longsword! Quick!']
Legolas said"that is Gandalf and Strdier"and then Strider said"Legolas"and then Legolas said"Strider long time seen" and then Strider said"hows you"
[Servo: 'You'll have to forgive Strider...he's been hanging around in the ghetto lately.']
and then Legolas said"I am fine"and then Gandalf said"whos this then"and then Legolas said"meet Laura I found her in the woods when she was just a baby".Laura was shy at first and then Legolas said"Laura come and meet Strider and Gandalf"and then Laura said"hello I am Laura".Legolas said"she is the princess"and then Strider said"she is so cute"
[Servo: You know what else she is? A minor.]
and then Legolas said"that will be my falut"and then Gandalf said"why"and then Laura said"he protects me thats why"
[Servo: She may be young, but she knows how to keep the pedophiles at bay.]
and then Legolas looked up and said"I think we should go back to the castle"and then Laura said"I can feel it too".
[Servo: Darling, that feeling is only because you're riding on the saddle wrong.]
Legolas said"do you want to stay for a night"and then Gandalf and Strider said"yes please"
[Servo: I'm sure Legolas is thinking about stationing a battalion of Elven warriors around Laura tonight with these two staying in the castle.]
and then they had tea and went to bed.During the night Legolas ask the gards to keep an eye on Laura's room.
[Servo: Legolas is a wise man...]
Mean while the Orcs climed up the window and grabed Laura
[Servo: Doh! Who left the safety lock unlocked?]
and then Laura woke up and screamed and then the gard went into her room and saw lots of Orcs and then Legolas ran down the hall.Then Legolas said"where is Laura"and then the gards said"the Orcs took her".
[Servo: 'And you all wonder why Rohan and Gondor laugh at you every time we go out to fight.']
Mean while the Orcs was back at Mondor and then Laura said"put me down"and then the Orcs did
[Servo: Ohp! Simon didn't say!]
and then the Dark lord came out of the fire and said"welcome Laura"and then Laura looked at him and said"no it can't be"and then she tryed to run away but the Orcs got her.
[Servo: You know, this would've been so much easier if they just held her.]
Then the Dark lord said"put her into the cell and bet her and also do what ever you want with her but do not kill her".Then the Orcs took her to the cell and trow her into the cell and then they shut the door.Laura go up and went to the window and looked out and she was wishing that Legolas or someone will save her.
Mean while back at the castle of Milkwood Legolas was getting the army ready to go and save Laura.Mean while Laura was sitting on the floor and then the door opened and it was some Orcs and the Orcs tied Laura with some chains and then one of the Orcs striped her and then he raped her
[Servo: The feelings from her horseback riding came rushing back in an instant.]
and then Laura said"go away you bastard".Then another Orc came with a whip and whiped her hard and then the Orcs all togeter bet her almost to death and then the Dark Lord came in with a tube of Posion and then he injeted into Laura.
[Servo: Laura had an allergic reaction and died a slow and painful death, much to the Dark Lord's dislike.]
Few hours later
Legolas and the others was on the way to Mondor to save princess Laura.Mean while in the cell where Laura was been kept Laura woke up and she looked on her body there was blood and scars she only could move her right arm but not her left.Then Laura said"I feel so cold"and then she can't see very well.
[Servo: They took her glasses! Those monsters!]
At the frount gates of Mondor was Legolas and the others and then they said"let Laura go"and then the Dark lord said"no"
[Servo: 'Damn. Okay, let's all go back home now. We did all that we could to save Laura.']
and then Legolas said"right lisson I'll will clim up to the cell and get Laura and you and the others will find another way in.Then Strider said"alright" and then Legolas started to clim up.Mean while Strider and the others ran into Mondor and went into the castle.
[Servo: Thank heavens the Dark Lord didn't lock his front door, right guys?]
Gandalf said"I'll will go and kill the Dark lord and you and the others go and help Legolas".Strdier said"becareful"and then Gandalf said"I will don't you worry about me".
Mean while Legolas got to the cell where Laura is.Legolas said"Laura are you in there"and then Laura said"Oh Legolas you finally came"
[Servo: Hey, c'mon now, I have trouble just getting it up.]
and then Legolas said"are you alright"and then Laura said"no I am not alright"and then Legolas said"they bet you up and raped you also the Dark lord gave you the posion"and then Laura said"how did you know that".
[Servo: I watched it all. It was globally broadcasted, can you believe it?!]
Then Legolas said"when I was your age they did the samething to me".Then Laura said"can you get me out of here"and then Legolas said"ok stand back"and then he ran back and ran towards the door and knock it down.
Laura said"wow"and then Legolas looked and saw she was coved in Blood and scars also she was naked
[Servo: Suddenly, stone.]
"and then Legolas said"why they did it to you not me"and then the Orcs came and said"because she got a power and she can distoy us all the bad guys"
[Servo: And she hasn't done that because...?]
Then the fright began
Legolas got out his bow and arrows andstarted fireing at them.Then Legolas saw some swords and said"Strider is that you"
[Servo: The swords failed to respond to Legolas's inquiry.]
and then Strider said"yes it is"and then Legolas and the others started to kill the Orcs.Mean while Gandalf is have a fun time trying to distory the Dark lord.
[Servo: I think we all know who the real dark lord is here.]
Gandalf said"I wish Frodo and Merry and Pippen and Sam was here"and then a sword came out of nowhere and said"some wished us here"and then Gandalf turned and said"Frodo baggins why you doing here".Then Frodo said"we came to help you and also we got rid of the ring"and then the Dark Lord said"oh no"and then the magical powers from Gandalf distoryed the Dark lord.
[Servo: That basically sums up the whole trilogy. Now you don't even need to see the movies.]
Mean while Legolas and Strider and the others was helping Laura down and Strider took off his cape and put it around Laura.
[Servo: How do you like the smell of chloroform?]
FEW HOURS LATER
Legolas and the others are on the way back to the castle.Legolas said"we must go to Rivendell to get Laura better".Then Gandalf said"I think you are right"and then they turned around and went to Rivendell.Legolas looked down on Laura and put his hand onto Laura's head and she was bruning up.Strider went aside of Legolas horse and looked and said"she is getting wose"
[Servo: That's because you're working her too hard!]
and then Legolas said"I know".
FEW HOURS LATER
They were at Rivendell and Legolas stayed at Laura's side everyday intill she wakes up
[Servo: No doctor's required.]
and then Legolas kissed Laura on her lips and then she moved her arms around Legolas and then Legolas said"all you alright"and then Laura said"yes I am".Legolas said"I am soo happy"and then Laura said"Do you want to be my boyfriend"and then Legolas said"yes I will be your boyfriend"
[Servo: Only if I'm the one wearing the pants in this relationship.]
and then Laura and Legolas kissed again.Laura said"what happened to me Legolas"and then Legolas said"you got kidnaped by the Orcs and they raped you and also bet you almost to death and then the Dark lord gave you some posion"
[Servo: And you were naked. That's the part I remembered best.]
and then Laura said"why I can only move on arm"and then Legolas said"your left arm is broken".Then the door opened and it was Strider
[Servo: Go away, Laura has already chosen me!]
and then Laura said"Hello Strider"and then Strider said"I see you are awake"and then Laura
Servo marches out of the Study. When Dr. Goodlover sees him, he can hardly believe his eyes. Tom looks better than he had before the test!
"How is this possible?" the mad scientist wails. "I thought I had found the worst story in the world! That should've killed you!"
"It looks like you'll have to wait another day to rule the world, Dr. Goodlover," Servo replies. "Now bring me home, so I can get Peter Jackson to bring this gem to life!"
"No! No!" Dr. Goodlover screams. He points at Servo with in controllable fury. "This isn't over! I must find the worst story in the world! And you're going to stay there until I find it!"
"You're insane! And to think I coveted Bob's job!"
Tom shook his head. "I want out!"
"Too late!" Dr. Goodlover laughs and pulls a cheap remote with a huge antennae on it. "I'm the only one who can control your orbit around the earth. You will do as I say or your little satellite and you will be history!"
Tom is speechless, unsure how to react. He turns and gazes out the window. Hundreds of miles below, the blue and green palette of home reels around. How hopeless it seems to Tom that he would ever set foot on that planet again or even breathe its air.
Dr. Goodlover notices Tom's saddened demeanor and smirks. "Don't look so sad, cadet. I know it must be lonely by yourself, so I made sure to send some company, though some assembly may be required."
"What do you mean?" Servo asks, looking back at Dr. Goodlover.
"Check out the cargo bay downstairs. I had two robots sent up as well as a cryogenically frozen woman, or demon chick...frankly, I'm not sure what she is," Goodlover's brow furrows, his bushy eyebrows perking as he thinks. They soften, and he resumes speaking, "Well, I better end this transmission! I have a date with Nurse Joy tonight!"
Tom starts, the name jotting his memory. "Hey! That's my woman!"
"What are you going to do, space man?" Dr. Goodlover taunts.
Before Tom can make a comeback, the screen flashes and the hourglass reappears.
The computer states in its bland voice, "Transmission ended."
That's a wrap!