INT. G-FORCE COMMAND CENTER - WE DON'T KNOW IF IT'S NIGHT
There is a large TABLE with the TOHO LOGO painted over it.
It illuminates brightly as a way of reminding everyone why
they are there in the first place.
Sitting at the table are a number of WORTHLESS HUMAN CHARACTERS.
Nobody really watches the movies to see any of them ACT. So
why they are here is a colossal waste of time for everyone,
including YOU -- the reader. So keep reading.
One of these people is COMMANDER ASO, a real asshole. Dude
looks like he's always pissed off. That's because he sucks
at his job and is ALWAYS pissed off. The others are CAPTAIN
FRYE, a hulking demigod from the West; MIKI, a psychic Japanese
girl who is really MICKEY MOUSE end disguise; STEPHEN COLBERT,
a true American hero.
So we're nothing but Godziller fan puppets?! Is that all we
(we really don't understand what she's saying, because we're
still picturing her as a talking mouse)
Ignoring the hot mouse for a second, we need to find where
these nerds are, break their bones, and GO RIGHT INTO IT.
Hi, I'm Stephen Colbert. Tonight's guests on the Report are
Commander Asshole, Miki Mouse, and Captain Don Frye. America,
watch closely as I inform these 'characters' that they don't
really exist. Ahem. Characters of Godzilla fame: none of you
What? What did he say? Did he say we don't exist? We don't
Stop. Repeating. Yourself. Every. Damn. Minute. You always
do this! I don't even watch these silly movies, and already
I can tell that repeating yourself is ALL you do. And if you
do it one more time -- TURN 180 DEGREES!
I'm also pissed off! Do you hear me?! I'm PISSED OFF!!!
Sunofabitch, he just WON'T QUIT!
(still a damn mouse)
No, you're the bitch! Now shut up! Do exactly as you're told!
DO YOU HEAR?!
I'm done with this! I'm gonna find this kid and make him MY
OPERATION: FINAL WAR.
C-can any-anyone hear me?! This is all a trap!!! We're no-not
read-ready for thi-this!!!
Suddenly, the SARADIAN AGENT falls from the ceiling, and
PUMPS Miki full of LEAD.
Sunofabitch, it's that SARADIAN AGENT AGAIN!!!
CHAOS ensues as Commander Aso tries chasing the Saradian
Agent around the table. Miki is laying over it, with X's over
her eyes. Captain Frye is nowhere to be seen.
The CAMERA focuses on Stephen Colbert.
They seem to be taking all this well. That's good enough for
my ratings! Okay, enough beating around the bush, who was
the greatest leader in the free world by the way, and get
straight to the facts. None of you are real. I am. And if
I'm real, that's all America needs. That's all the time we
have tonight! So good night America and try not to fall asleep
by reading this shit!
INT. SOME GODZILLA FAN ROOM - NIGHT (BECAUSE THEY DON’T
GO OUT DURING THE DAY TO SOCIALIZE, TOO BUSY WATCHING MONSTERS
As soon as we ENTER the room, we realize this guy has no
life. There are Godzilla posters on every wall. Wait, scratch
that. Since I’m too lazy to press the ‘delete’
button, I’m just going to keep typing. Where was I?
Right. Describing this geek’s room. Okay, we can’t
even see the damn wall because there are so many Godzilla
posters everywhere. And there are Godzilla toys on every shelf.
There are Godzilla stickers, too. And a surprisingly badass
Godzilla arcade system. This brief moment of coolness is purged
from our memories the moment we realize the poor sap has a
bed shaped like Godzilla’s jaws, so he’s literally
sleeping in Godzilla’s mouth every night.
That’s what she said.
Wait, who is this? PAN OVER to this NERD at -- where else?
-- the computer! He’s on some forgotten Godzilla messageboard.
He has many ZITS all over his face. They’re like volcanoes
about to EXPLODE into pus and other gross stuff that keeps
girls away. But this NERD needs a name.
Hello, I’m a nerd! To avoid hatemail (thank me later,
Anthony), we decided for me to be named Hobbes! The odds of
there being a Godzilla fan named Hobbes is extremely unlikely.
We hope if the real Hobbes is reading this, he or she is not
offended. It’s nothing personal.
Anyways, I’m a nerd!
He REALLY is. Hobbes is on a weird Godzilla messageboard,
where other nerds congregate for no real specific purpose
except to impose their opinions on each other, receive praise
from the Ascended Fanboys of the fandom, and get the attention
they have never gotten in Real Life.
That’s a little harsh.
Yes, it IS. But the truth is harsh. You will no longer understand
anything I’m saying. This is supposed to be all action
damn it. Besides, we need to get on with the story. I need
to hook these esteemed Hollywood producers in like the first
10 pages or they’ll throw this script out of their ridiculously
expensive gas guzzling cars.
Hobbes is currently reading a thread about GODZILLA fighting
off GALACTUS. He instantly realizes how one-sided this really
is because he’s a geek and he’s obsessive over
both famous characters nobody has ever even heard of in parts
of the world that matter.
Godzilla would totally cream Galactus, by the way. Just sayin’.
Hobbes types an extremely long post about why and how Godzilla
would win. Debating fictional characters duking it out and
hating anyone who disagrees with you is serious business.
So Hobbes is very good at this. It takes him 5 FREAKING HOURS.
But when he CLICKS to submit his post his computer freezes,
which is really a SIGN FROM GOD TO STOP RUINING HIS LIFE WITH
THIS SHIT. Ignoring the divine signs from above, Hobbes spends
the next 5 HOURS writing it all up again with some improved
points he didn’t think about in the first 5 hours.
This is all incredibly boring so it’s time for some
Hobbes is TYPING really really really fast. It’s because
he’s in a ROLE PLAYING club. This is the perfect set
up I need to unveil my master plan!
Welcome to the KAIJU WAR CHRONICLES SPECIAL ADDITION! You
must pray Hobbes grows out of puberty and leaves his Mother’s
-- uh, what’s the current insult to one’s coming
of ageness? Y’know, what people say to those who aren’t
taking risks in life, and should seriously go out on their
own but won’t because today’s technologies pretty
much makes breeding a huge waste of colossal time?
It’s not his Mother’s cave. We’ve evolved
and are no longer there.
Nevermind. PRAY Hobbes leaves his Mother’s basement!
But first prey he is successful in winnning this role playing
battle. His opponent has made a wager with the OWNER of the
website Toho Kingdom. If HIS TOTALLY AWESOME COOL NON-TOHO
CHARACTERS WIN, THEY’LL HAVE THE HONOR OF APPEARING
IN THE KAIJU WAR CHRONICLES (THe KWC section of the website,
which nobody really reads). Hobbes has carefully selected
his team of KWC Alumni. They’re all Toho characters
and/or DISRIBUTED by Toho. That’s another word for Toho
taking credit for making these sexy giant beasties. Moving
THE ARENA HAS BEEN SET! Let’s jump into Hobbes’s
sick, twisted, testosterone fueled mind and see what he’s
thinking! We’ll try to avoid the sex jokes as much as
EXT. A CITY THAT STRANGLEY RESEMBLES TOKKYO - THIS IS REALLY
ALL HAPENIING IN THE DIGITAL WORLD (THIS IS NOT DIGIMON, NONE
OF THEM COULD MAKE IT TO THIS)
THOUSANDS of faceless people are running down a street. Many
of them have smiles on their faces. This usually pisses the
director off but he relents. They’ve been out here filming
all day, he’s tired, and wants to go home and play Mario
Kart on the Nintendo Wii. Besides, when the city is BEING
ATTACKED, it’s kinda hard to catch people being AFRAID.
People rarely show how afraid they are when there’s
After all, this might go up on Facebook.
GODZILLA stomps on the director, ROARING really loud. Windows
SHATTER because it’s so loud. Godzilla is a really big
radioactive dinosaur. To avoid sounding racist, he’s
green not black (even though black scales would be cooler
looking). There are BIG SPIKES poking out of his back, which
must really hurt, explaining why Godzilla is ALWAYS PISSED
Rawr!!!!! I’m a symbol of human hubris, a monument to
all of your sins! Fear and embrace me as your lover!
Nobody does. They’re too damn afraid because he’s
a towering 400 feet monster. Which makes no sense, since he’s
supposed to be 50 meters which is NOT 400 feet. It’s
less than that I think.
Godzilla, the KING OF THE MONSTERS, is here to represent
the KWC ROSTER. But he can’t really find his opponent.
Who will it be? It better not be Bagan. That dude is a GOD,
a SUPER MONSTER so powerful it usually takes an army of EVERYONE
to beat him into submission. These stories are typically written,
praised, and criticized by morons.
His oppponent is kinda like him. Only he’s made of
steel and sings to a flute. It’s none other than the
Power Ranger green goliath himself, DRAGONZORD! Cue the Power
Rangers theme. Why can’t I hear it? Is it on i-Tunes?
I’m gonna go check. BRB.
It’s only 99 cents. Not bad. But with tax, it’s
a little pushing it. I’ll just ask the Old Man to send
it to me. He’s a really big fan of Power Rangers. Did
I mention he’s really old? Yep. Disturbing.
GODZILLA punched DragonZord into a building, which CRUMBLES.
Damn it, I need to stop typing in past tense. This is a screenplay,
which must be in PRESENT TENSE! Godzilla ignores all this
by punching DragonZord again! DragonZord counters by pulling
Godzilla’s FACE into the street! There’s debris
and asphalt flying EVERYWHERE. Seismic BOOMS are shaking the
DragonZord’s fingertips become loaded with sharp pointy
missiles. They are FIRED into Godzilla’s groin. I’ve
seen ‘Ghidorah, the Three-Headed Monster’ like
a billion times. Godzilla took a shot from Ghidorah’s
GRAVITY BOLTS to the groin and it did NOT hurt. Therefore
DragonZord’s missiles will only tickle him. Oh my God,
am I really typing this?
Godzilla shrugs all this off somehow... Bear with me.
ROARING, Godzilla TAIL SMACKS DragonZord through several
skyscrapers. There’s rubble everywhere. This does NOT
look like a film set in anyway. These fake looking buildings
do not look like miniature buildings. DragonZord SOCKS Godzilla
in the face.
(sounding like Tommy the Power Ranger)
You’re going down, Godzilla! The NTA/I are going to
run WILD OVER YOU@!!
What the frick is a NTA/I?
The Non-Toho Alliance/Invasion. We couldn’t agree on
the name ending with Alliance or Invasion, so we went with
This sounds like a really bad spoof on the WWE/WCW invasion
story a couple years ago.
You watch wrestling?!
Godzilla roars ‘NO’ by blasting the DragonZord
THOUSANDS OF MILES away with his IKABROD (Insta-Killing-Atomic-Breath
I can’t remember what else it stands for but it’s
cool and a big nod to the fandom somehow)! DragonZord gets
up near Tokyo Tower, really pissed off and damaged.
EXT. INFANT ISLAND - WINTER
MOTHRA LEO wanted to go and SAVE Godzilla’s life. But
first he must contend with another NTA/I member: GUNDAM! There’s
really no build up to any of this. Who cares? These two giants
are about to duke it out!!!
Note: Gundam has been scaled to match Mothra Leo’s
size and the sizes of the other Toho monsters.
Mothra Leo unloads with HUNDREDS OF ENERGY BEAMS. Gundam
dodges because he’s really fast. Mothra LEO ANNIHILATES
THE ENVIRONMENT with MORE energy blasts. Gundam dodges it
because he’s really fast. Mothra Leo SHOOTS MORE ENERGY
BEAMS that really pisses the SFX people off for having to
get seizures for all thise post-production crap.
Gundam dodges for aforementioned reasons.
This guy I’m debating and role playing against is being
really unfair. So I’ll have to be unfair too.
Mothra Leo TRANSFORMS INTO HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF TINY
GLOWING BUTTERFLY MOTHS. Gundam CAN’T dodge this right
away, not all of them. But he does DODGE most. Of the ones
he can’t dodge, they BURN and ELECTROCUTE his precious
metal parts. Gundam pulls out a SOLAR FLARE grenade, which
BLINDS Mothra LEO. This is clearly a big rip off of DragonBall
Z. But since Gundam is Anime, he can use all Anime character
Because shut up.
EXT. THE PACIFIC OCEAN - MILES ABOVE ATLANTIS
Gamera was just chilling, dreaming about young beautiful
teenage Japanese girls. Who doesn’t? But then he’s
interrupted by GHASTLY black tentacles (still not being racist).
He’s whipped up and TOSSED into the air and SPLASHES
really hard into the Atlantic.
The Disney villain, URSULA, CHUCKLES as she rises out of the
sea. There’s a lot of bubbles and lightning bolts which
makes things very artistic.
You are so cute! I can’t wait to chow down on some turtle
Breaking the FOURTH WALL, the cast from MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER
3000 APPEAR in the lower RIGHT corner. They are just silouhettes.
If she steals our line, I will personally lead a riot against
“Gamera is really neat, he is made of turtle meat, we’ve
been eating Ga-mer-a!”
I’ll get the pitchforks and gasoline.
Gamera answers with a FIREBALL. It’s so blistering
searing hot it makes Ursula’s body BURN! Pissed off,
Ursula uses powers she has never shown before. This pisses
off quite a few fanboys. Using hydrokinesis, she PUNCHES Gamera
...Why this would actually work against a giant turtle, who
loves the water, is confusingly simple. It makes Gamera choke.
Somehow he stops CHOKING and claws at her. This doesn’t
hurt her in the least.
What the hell? Steering a damn ship into Ursula killed her
or something. Gamera can at the very least push like 600 tons
and survived big explosions.
Meanwhile, on AOL Instant Messenger, the WRITER is discussing
this strange crossover battle. His VICE PRESIDENT is not pleased
with Ursula’s inclusion.
(The Old Man)
It should be Staypuft Marshmallow Man. [Insert poking tongue
Realizing this is true, Ursula is INSTANTLY replaced by the
STAYPUFT MARSHMALLOW MAN! This should’ve been extremely
bad for the Staypuft Marshmallow Man. Since he’s made
of marshmallows and his opponent can shoot blistering balls
of hot plasma fireballs. Instead, Gamera settles with just
EATING the poor guy.
INT. SKULL ISLAND - TWILIGHT
A fantastically COMPUTER GENERATED CHARACTER RENDERING of
King Kong appears. He’s in an argument with some gorgeous
Why can’t you and I just settle with the fame and fortune
we earned? Most filmgoers worship us. Film buffs love us.
We shouldn’t mix ourselves with those Asian monsters.
Look, I’m in lots of debt, honey. I should’ve
been smart and not buy all those DVD’s. With the economical
recession, I’m being forced out of retirement, and will
do just about anything to make an honest buck.
That’s such a load of bull.
You’re cute when you try being smart. Let me hold you
in my hand.
Before Kong could hold the Blonde in his hand, he is DROPKICKED
by THE BIG O, a really BIG ARMED ROBOT piloted by STEVE BLUM.
(from within the Big O cockpit and sounding so-so manly)
Hi. You’re a big dirty ape. You and I have a lot in
common, except everything about you. I’m gonna make
Big O smash you! Then the Big O will be fighting for the KWC
for many years to come!
The invasion story has really become exciting. Kong SNARLS
and tries bringing the Big O down. The Big O overpowers the
ape with his superior strength. Realizing he can do more,
the Big O’s forehead visor FIRES A PINK PURPLE ENERGY
BEAM. It punches a hole through Kong’s chest.
Sucks to be him. For now...
EXT. MONSTER ISLAND - DOES IT REALLY MATTER WHAT TIME OF
DAY IT IS ANYMORE?
It’s time we introduce the main characters. GABARA,
ZILLA, and JET JAGUAR!
It’s about damn time we’ve been introduced. The
KWC is being invaded and we’re counting on Godzilla,
Mothra Leo, Gamera, and King Kong to save us? We’re
NOTE: ZILLA WAS ABOUT TO SAY SOMETHING COOL BUT MANY PEOPLE
IN THE FANDOM STILL HATES HIM FOR BEING IN THE 1998 MOVIE
THAT SHALL NOT BE NAMED.
How very astute, Zilla. Yes, it would appear we’re in
some kind of void. Here the power of our imaginations bend
space and time. It’s not matter that begets the mind,
it’s the other way around!
Too bad you’re a robot. So this doesn’t concern
Jet Jaguar’s normally awesome grin is turned upside
down. This indicates how sad he is.
You didn’t need to be a dick about it.
Whatever. It’s time to go KICK SOME ASS!
Can I talk now?
The readers haven’t really gotten this far. They stopped
reading when they got to Zilla. Since the general consensus
in the fandom does not favor Zilla, they decided to go burn
a whole shelf of GODZILLA ‘98 DVD’s. This could’ve
easily been avoided if they had opinions of their own. And
if the movie wasn’t garbage.
EXT. A CITY THAT STRANGLEY RESEMBLES TOKKYO
Godzilla and DragonZord were BREATHING HEAVILY. They were
been fighting really hard so they’re tremendously tyred.
Having enough of this melodrama, DragonZord fires MISSILES
from his fingertips! Godzilla waded through the BALLS OF FIRE
that danced across his body.
Godzilla fires his atomic breath. DragonZord dodges. The atomic
breath barely destroys a gas station.
What the skreeonk?
Damn it! It appears to be another inconsistency! Godzilla’s
atomic breath was stronger in earlier showings. Now it has
a bad showing. This might not end well!
What are you talking about?
OMG, are you a newb? Ignoring how Toho doesn’t give
a crap about how powerful and consistent the mosnters are,
we must pay very close attention to how powerful their attacks
are. This helps us determine how well they’d do up against
monsters they’ve never fought before! We all must be
Why? Why does it matter? Why can’t I just destroy this
Godzilla DOESN’T get it. So DragonZord’s fingertip
missiles TEAR into Godzilla’s flesh. This HURTS THE
KING OF THE MONSTERS!
Now look what you’ve done!
HOW IS THIS CONSISTENT?!
DragonZord CLOSELINES godzilla. It looks like the King’s
days are numbered. Damn that was good.
Suddenly, King Kong, Mothra Leo, and Gamera FALLS into the
city. It RUMBLES. At first it looks like DragonZord is outnumbered
[EVEN THOUGH HE’D TOTALLY BEAT THEM ALL BY HIMSELF BECAUSE
HE IS THAT GOOD). But then The Big O, Ursula, and... and...
IT’S A GUNDAM!!!
All of them are there. Gamera helps Godzilla up. They roar
at each other and become friends, kinda like SUPERMAN AND
BATMAN. (Who couldn’t make it because they were at a
convention or something.)
This friendship was destined to fail since Gamera is the
friend of all children and Godzilla isn’t a child. Oh
Wait, didn’t I get a beam blasted through me? Shouldn’t
I be dead?
THE EVIL OVERLORD
No, worm! For that shall be retconned. Scroll up and you’ll
see it. It’s the ‘for now’ part. Bet you
didn’t know why that was there! Now you do!!! HAHAHA!
I’m an evil genius.
Who are you?
THE EVIL OVERLORD
Hobbes’s internet rival.
THE EVIL OVERLORD
No! I’m not that! Just that! You’ll see. What
with the big plot twist at the end. DO NOT SKIP TO THE END!
Some people DO. They are LOSERS. But we must wait for them
to come bac--
WELCOME BACK! You almost missed an incredibly awesome fight.
So get ready!
DragonZord parts litter the battlefield. He had been pulled
and ripped apart. See what you missed? Only those who DIDN’T
skip ahead and were loyal to keep themselves from being spoiled
witnessed how this happened. But he’s dead now, much
to the Old Man’s dismay.
Godzilla holds up DragonZord’s head.
Any last words?
Yeah... Where the hell were my allies?!
Nothing personal, dude. Just only one of us getting a chance
to compete in the KWC. So it’s got to be me.
Hey, man! Let’s try to work together first before we
go with the Reservoir Dog ending.
That’s when the CLOVERFIELD MONSTER (Clover) appears,
SUCKER PUNCHES all the Toho monsters down - probably because
everywhere where he goes the camera SHAKES so everyone is
dizzy in his presence.
What he said! But make no mistake. Y’all are in for
a big trainwreck!
Oh Tanaka, don’t tell me I’m in Final Wars again!
Time to fight.
Gundam energizes his LIGHT SABER. He slices the air, slicing
bits of King Kong. Kong should’ve died. He should be
dead dead dead. Machine guns have killed him after all. So
this should kill him dead. But he doesn’t die. Instead
he gets really mad, which augments his strength, and he punches
Gundam across the city!
Big O plants his fist into Gamera’s gut. Then the iron
pistons in his elbows SLAM and ACTIVATE. This sends a torrent
of hot, pressurized air into Gamera’s torso, punching
a hole through it. There’s green blood everywhere. Because
Gamera bleeds green blood.
INT. SOME GODZILLA FAN ROOM
Hobbes stops typing. He needs to use the restroom. He’s
actually had to go for hours. But being on the computer for
so long grants you many great superpowers. One of them allows
you to forget the needs of your body. But now he can’t
resist it any longer.
Somewhere across the country, the Evil Overlord waits impatiently
at his computer. There’s gotta be something he can do.
Maybe he’ll read up more on the latest Godzilla film?
Toho isn’t really making it. It’s another American
movie. Deep down inside, he actually liked the 1998 film.
It really wasn’t that bad. They were just trying something
new. And so what if some fans like it? At least they’re
If it weren’t for the internet, many Godzilla fans
would feel incredibly lonely. They already are, but damn,
they’d be even more lonely if the internet wasn’t
here. And how do they celebrate their delight to meet and
chat with other fans? They argue and act like pompous pricks.
At least the Evil Overlord isn’t a prick. It’s
not like anyone is getting hurt. He realizes right now the
imaginary world he and Hobbes are making is frozen in time.
Gamera just had his torso blown off. Gamera is frozen in place,
feeling nothing but pain. But he’s used to it. Too bad
he’s a weakling. Odds are he’ll die soon. What
with conventional weapons hurting him...
Who needs Hobbes? The Evil Overlord is a really smart, great
writer. He’ll continue this without Hobbes. And when
Hobbes comes back, he can hop right back in.
Godzilla’s dorsal spines energize. Atomic energy sears
out of his gaping maw, VAPORIZING Ursula because Disney SUCKS
AND SHOULD’VE MADE A KAIJU FILM BY NOW WITH PIXAR OR
SOMETHING! The beam SEARS through her charred husk and SEARS
into Big O.
It does no damage.
See what I did there? I acknowledged Godzilla’s power,
killed one of my characters, and made one of my other characters
look badass in comparison. Everbody’s happy! Now that’s
true role playing! That’s how it’s done.
Meanwhile, Clover was kicking King Kong, Mothra Leo, and
Gamera’s asses. They keep getting dizzy every time they
get close to him. Clover SLAPS Kong through the Empire State
Building, which has long been a Japanese landmark.
Godzilla sneaks up from behind and BODY SLAMS Clover into
the ground. Godzilla is clearly the most powerful monster
on the KWC roster since he’s the most famous. Well,
King Kong is arguably more famous. But screw him, he got killed
by machine guns. But he won’t die yet because he’s,
y’know, The Eighth Wonder of the World! And Godzilla
fans hated Kong when they were younger, what with the ape
somehow winning in that one movie from the ‘60s. But
as they get older, they hopefully come to respect Kong, and
acknowledge him as Godzilla’s equal. Which he is not.
Godzilla is invincible after all, he can’t lose!
The Big O started hurting Godzilla really bad with those
iron pistons. Tugging at Godzilla’s tail, Big O threw
Godzilla into a bridge. It crumbled because bridges do that
when a really big radioactive dinosaur falls on them.
Ignoring what happened a paragraph ago, Godzilla fires a
SUPERCHARGED ATOMIC BREATH! It strikes Gundam, who appeared
at the worst time, and it sent him HURTLING into the Moon!
The Moon EXPLODES, shaking the Earth a little. Bits of it
fall from the sky, causing a bunch of widespread damage. Not
even the Gundam could survive that. So much for it going Wing
Zero like I originally planned...
Which woul’ve been kool btw! With that twin buster
rifle cannon or whatever it’s called, it really would’ve
made huge explosions! I haven’t really watched Gundam
in years. Had to go see some videos on youtube to recall what
they’re capable of. Good times. Wasted some of mine
though watching them for it to end like this. Gamera can’t
let the Big O win. So his fist turns into the Plasma Fist!
Why? Because the script says so. He’s an ancient guardian
capable of manifesting and manipulating Earth’s Mana.
So he can totally get away with this as long as we’re
seeing Gamera 3 level special effects here. Shoving the Plasma
Fist into the Big O, Steve Blum teleports out of harm’s
way, becaue he’s that awesome. The Big O isn’t
so fortunate. It dies in a fiery explosion that scorches the
Gamera absorbs the heat and fire. Becoming stronger and closer
to children, whom he is a friend of. His stomach rumbles.
That Marshmallow Man really tasted good!
I’m sure you worms are wondering why, I, the Evil Overlord,
is allowing this all to happen.
THE EVIL OVERLORD
There, better to use actual dialogue for this. Ahem. While
Hobbes is still going to the bathroom (Christ, it’s
been like what? 2 minutes?), I’ve decided to set things
up for your KWC heroes. They’re in for a downer ending!
HAHAHAHAHA!!! Not that I’m spoiling my twist ending
Clover backed away. Kong tried jumping at him. But Clover
overpowered him with his superior strength. We know he’s
strong because he pushed down a skyscraper. It was off-camera
but so what? Besides, he’s bigger than Kong, therefore
making him stronger.
Gee, I really hope there will be a thunderstorm! That plot
device would be really convenient right about now.
Mothra Leo unloads MORE SHINY BEAMS, SOME HE’S NEVER
SHOWN BEFORE BUT ONLY NOW IS HE PULLING ‘EM OUT OF HIS...
You know... And BLASTING Clover with it. Clover survived conventional
weapons just fine and apparently survived the Mother of all
explosions in the end. It was off-camera but I consider this
a valid showing of durability on Clover’s part. So he
survives this unscathed.
Godzilla, somehow ignoring Clover’s dizzyness aura,
CAVES CLOVER’S face in with a NUCLEAR PUNCH! Clover
Seriously? You’re crying?!
Mommy!!!! Mommy!!! Mommy, that big mean man hurt me!
Mommy?! You’re a kid?!
He IS. But whose kid is he? That’s when everything
becomes even more DIZZY. Descending from the heavens or hells
or the void of insanity, is the Old One... CTHULHU!
$%^$#% #%(*^&&*@ 2 #$@#%^$% @$@!
Leave my daughter alone!
Godzilla stumbles. Cthulhu’s presence disorientated
him greatly. Fighting the urge to puke, Godzilla fires an
atomic blast. This one was somewhere between blowing up a
taxi and torching a city bus. Regardless, it wouldn’t
have hurt Cthulhu because he’s beyond our comprehension.
UNSEEN NEW FIGHTER
Cthulhu, leave the atomic saurian to me! You can feast on
the souls of the others! Godzilla’s mine.
Godzilla searches for his new foe. Cthulhu even lifts his
paranoia aura, helping Godzilla relax. Marching to him was
a powerful being. Light glinted off its purple armor. It looked
really ripped, fast, and strong.
Oh come on! Why are we even doing this? I’ve read this
script in advance. I know how it all ends and you’re
Why the hell am I even talking? Monsters can’t talk!
(inside Evangelion’s spinal cockpit)
Imustn’trunaway! Imustn’trunaway! I. MUST. NOT.
...Oh, I’m really going to enjoy this.
Many years ago, on a Godzilla messageboard that has long
been forgotten, there was a legendary flame war. Many fans
were divided. Who’d win? Godzilla or Evangelion? At
the time it was really hard getting screen captures to prove
a point. And most people really didn’t watch these kind’ve
things to find out for themselves. That’s what made
it legendary! Nobody really knew what they were talking about.
It was a huge 200 page flame war. Bloody marvelous.
But everyone agreed Shinji Ikari is one of the most annoying
Anime characters ever. Which says a lot.
THE EVIL OVERLORD
He’s actually misunderstood. Most of the people who
bash him wouldn’t be able to do even a fraction of the
things he’s done. And that’s really the point.
He’s not meant to be a hero. He’s meant to be,
err, like you.
The readers start HATING this script. But they quickly forget
the jab against them because they either don’t know
what the hell all that was about or because a huge awesome
battle is happening now!
Godzilla and Evangelion meet in an epic battle. Buildings
are leveled. Skies are blown away. The ozone layer is disintegrated
because of Global Warming. DUDE! Let’s not go there
right now. Anyway, Godzilla fires his atomic breath, which
burns Evangelion’s armor. The Evangelion can survive
nukes without sustaining any damage, so Godzilla must be really
strong right now. Evangelion answers by punching Godzilla’s
jaw so hard, his teeth crack and fall out.
It’s gotten really bloody and epic. Evangelion fires
one of his eye beams, which misses Godzilla, and KILLS Mothra
Leo! Because Evangelion can do this. Just go and see the new
movie. It’s made of win.
Gamera and King Kong are pissed. Now they have to fight Cthulhu
alone. Cthulhu is beyond their comprehension, so they can’t
really hurt him much.
I’m surprised I’m even saying anything here. Godzilla
and Evangelion are fighting? How cool is that? Shouldn’t
that be the focus of this? Shouldn’t that be the finale?
It WON’T be.
This sucks. Why is Cthulhi this powerful anyway?
Because he’s beyond our comprehension.
Running a ship into its mouth hurts him. I’m pretty
sure we can take him.
No. You can’t. He’s beyond your comprehension.
And he can drive you insane by looking at you! He’s
from a dimension with shapes you’ve never seen, sounds
you’ve never heard, and colors you’ve never seen.
But he’s only driven people from, what, the 1920’s,
insane? These people would’ve gone paranoid if they
saw Lady Gaga. So I’d say we’re overqualified.
Cthulhi is beyond your comprehension. You’re drowning
in your own saliva by looking at him, which you can’t
do, since he’s beyond your comprehension.
He really hasn’t done ANYTHING! It’s all hyperbole!
I’m finishing this.
Kong tries finishing it. Cthulhu spanks him for being beneath
Godzilla fires his atomic breath. Evangelion blocks it with
his AT-Field. The two wrestle for a bit, rolling across the
Tokyyo streets, and demolishing buildings.
Why are we not seriously hurting each other? One of us should
be dead by now.
I mustn’trunaway! I mustn’trunaway! Imustn’trunaway!!!!
Damn it! I don’t want to talk to you!
Sorry ‘bout that. He does get on my nerves. Anyway,
to answer your querry, we’re stalemating so we don’t
hurt anyone’s feelings. We’re both beloved by
like millions of fans the world over. So we want everyone
to be happy.
Dude... There are only like, what? 15 people reading this
Oh? Well, in that case...
In a huge impact crater, Evangelion walks out. Cthulhu compliments
Evangelion by giving him a high-five. But they both GASP when
Godzilla, Gamera, and King Kong are seen standing at the center
when the smoke clears. They are fine.
THE EVIL OVERLORD
Wait, wait, wait!!! I didn’t type this?! How did they
I’m back btw. Oh, and Godzilla survived like two nukes
in Final Wars. He’s survived volcanic eruptions, too.
Walked out of ‘em like twice.
THE EVIL OVERLORD
Damn it. Okay, but what about Gamera?
Sendai explosion. The Legion Flower thing.
THE EVIL OVERLORD
That shouldn’t count.
It does and it did. Can’t change anything. Rules.
THE EVIL OVERLORD
Argh! Well, how about King Kong? He’s never survived
anything like that!
Convenient electrical storm.
THE EVIL OVERLORD
(immitating Christian Bale)
With an ELECTRICAL PUNCH, Gabara punched Evangelion into
what was left of the Moon, which demolished everything else.
But he wasn’t alone! Jet Jaguar and Zilla stormed the
NTA/I! Jet Jaguar confronted Cthulhu. Zilla challenged Clover.
Gabara waited for Evangelion to return.
Cthulhu was beyond our comprehension. But nothing is beyond
our comprehension if we’re really, really big! Jet Jaguar
increased his size. He was now big enough to stomp a huge
hole into the city. So he starts STOMPING away at Cthulhu,
which hurts him in ways beyond our comprehension! Zilla TACKLES
Clover to the ground, chomping at his neck. But Clover is
so much stronger. Zilla only put a huge hole through a building.
Clover pushed one down off-camera. So with his off-camera
strength, Clover threw the oversized iguana into the Eifel
Tower, a recent addition to Tokyyo’s legacy. Angelic
glowing white wings stretched out of Evangelion’s back.
He flew back to Tokyyo from outer space, slamming his fist
into Gabara’s face. With his strength and the added
velocity and momentum behind his punch, the shockwaves disemboweling
the area. Gabara was fine. The red-headed ogre jabbed Evangelion
in the gut, bringing him to his knees. Charging up his fist,
Gabara PUNCHED Evangelion so hard it was sent flying into
A few seconds passed.
Gabara turned around and caught Evangelion in the opposite
direction! Gabara had hit him so hard Evangelion was punched
across the planet!!!! Gabara decided to one up that impressive
showing by punching Evangelion through the Earth’s crust!!!!
Evangelion went ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE EARTH AND SOMEHOW
ENDED UP FALLING FROM THE SKY. Evangelion’s back landed
on Gabara’s knee.
What the hell?!
As Evangelion complains about Gabara’s omnipotence,
Clover is PUMMELING Zilla to death.
I know what you think of me. And I don’t care! I’m
what the fans really wanted! I’m what you should’ve
That makes no sense! Ack! Think about it!
What’s there to think?
You’re not even Godzilla! I know I’m not! That’s
why there was this cool cartoon series about me. I became
a badass! Why must fans continue to dwell on the live-action
movie?! And it’s quite hypocritical of them to like
you more than me for those reasons.
Clover SMASHES Zilla hundreds of feet into the Earth. Zilla
COUGHS up blood.
Fans need a reason to hate us. They secretly hate me because
they wanted more of me. They hated you because you were a
different take on a beloved character. You’re also a
Clover attempts to shatter Zilla’s skull. Zilla CATCHES
Clover’s fist and squeezes it so hard, the BONES SNAP!
You’re going to regret that.
Zilla’s spines and eyes glowed brightly. Thermonuclear
flames SHOT out of his mouth, blasting Clover into the sky.
Clover’s sizzling, flayed body fell into the Statue
of Liberty, another new landmark in Tokyyo. Zilla pounced
on the fried Crustaceous Rex/Orga love child, savagely tearing
it apart with his teeth and claws.
Please, stop!!! PLEASE!!!!
NOW WHO’S THE WEAKLING??!?!?! HUH?!?! ANSWER ME, CLOVER!!!
Clover? My name’s really Jeffery Jacob. Friends call
me Abrams for short.
Zilla KILLS Clover with his thermonuclear breath, incinerating
In the larger impact crater, one of many now, Godzilla snorts
Are we really going to just wait here and let them win this
Yes, yes we are and will.
Makes no sense to me, too. But hey, at least it’s entertaining.
Anyone wonder why most of these guys were giant robots from
(ignoring Kong's observation)
We’re being outclassed and outdone by Gabara.
Gamera and King Kong exchange glances. They suddenly feel
very pathetic and helpless.
Cthulhu, seeing his daughter dead, overpowers Jet Jaguar
with his incomprehensible Old One powers. Jet Jaguar is stricken
by this sudden development. If getting bigger isn’t
the answer, then what is?
(light bulb appearing above his head)
I have an idea!
Shrinking down to the atomic universe, Jet Jaguar managed
to find a loophole in Cthulhu’s incomprehensible contract
clause. At the atomic level, Cthulhu wasn’t that difficult
to comprehend. So Jet Jaguar started beating the unholy crap
out of Cthulhu’s atoms, hurting the Old One very much.
But Jet Jaguar got ahead of himself. He started thinking about
how he could shrink his own atoms this small, making ‘em
vastly smaller than what atoms really are and...
This somehow triggered a massive explosion. It destroyed
Cthulhu and wiped out Tokyyo. But it was sudddenly rebuilt
by the next scene.
INT. THE NEXT SCENE IN TOKYYO
Growing up back to his normal gigantic size, Jet Jaguar looked
like he only received a tan. He and a bloodlusted Zilla helped
Gabara confront Evangelion.
How the hell am I supposed to win now?
Okay, I’m ready to fight. Berserk time.
Evangelion’s eyes glowed red. His AT-Field reached
critical mass. He met Gabara, Zilla, and Jet Jaguar in mortal
combat. They all moved like gigantic blurs. They were moving
so fast, it was almost as if they were copying DragonBall
This is getting ridiculous.
Yep. Godzilla, don’t you think you should end this with
your magnetic powers?
Oh, right! I can do that, technically. I almost forgot. Hang
on, gotta channel my inner Gandalf.
Godzilla brought up his hands and magnetically shutdown Evangelion’s
systems, making this a really anticlimactic ending.
Suddenly, ENERGY BEAMS vaporized Gamera and King Kong instantly.
TELEKINESIS restrained Godzilla, Jet Jaguar, Gabara, and Zilla.
Descending from a white void, a really chubby Godzilla fan
dressed up like the Controller of Planet-X floated down. Realizing
he was using his actual description, he quickly transformed
into the most powerful, evil being of all time.
Yes, worms!!! It is I, the Evil Overlord! And I have come
to finish this personally by integrating myself into this
Liar! You liar!!!!
I was supposed to win this!!! You, the Evil Overlord, didn’t
keep your promise!!! You promised me I’d fight in the
Dick move dude. Dick move.
I’m starting to like this guy.
Look, we’re probably confusing our readers here by having
three characters starting with the letter ‘G’
talking back and forth. Trust me, I know what I’m talking
about. I’m a screenwriter.
As for you, I did keep my promise. You just DID fight in the
KWC. I didn’t say it’d be permanent.
Then what was the point of this?!
Christ, I missed Shinji.
With the wave of his tentacle, Gezora erased Evangelion from
existence. Godzilla’s mouth drops to the floor. Jet
Jaguar helps him pick it back up.
He did have a point. This invasion was all for naught. Why
waste our time? You’ve been power-playing all this time,
acting like a god. Why drag all this on if you knew what was
going to happen?
A God I am.
You’re some unemployed fanboy!
No, I’m Gezora. I’m a monster. Says so on the
tin. Besides, don’t you think you’re taking this
a bit too seriously? For a fan, you sure seem to hate what
There’s nothing wrong with role playing. There’s
nothing wrong with fantasy fights. There’s nothing wrong
with disagreeing with one another. There’s nothing wrong
with liking a movie others hate. All of that is fine.
But what you’re doing is pathetic. You’re destroying
what you love. What else could you be doing right now?
Winning the lottery.
Guys, we should stop. We’ve become what we’re
trying to speak out against. We’re not dealing with
your average fanboy here.
You’re right. He’s worse.
Oh crap, he’s a troll!
Gezora’s eyes turned blood red. Gabara, Jet Jaguar,
and Zilla were pinned to the ground. Their bodies were being
crushed by an unseen, omnipotent force.
I’m not going to let you win, Hobbes! Not this time!
Today, I will make something of my reputation on the internet.
Godzilla STOMPED in Gezora’s direction. Rage and hate
flooded Godzilla’s feral eyes and atomic veins. The
King of the Monsters stopped and waited. It was a challenge,
one Gezora would have no choice but to answer.
Calvin wants his stuffed cat back, bitch!
Shut up and listen to me!!! Can you really kill Godzilla?
He’s your hero. You love him. Can you really destroy
what you love?
Gezora didn’t move. It didn’t move. It didn’t
say anything. Godzilla curled his upper lip, bearing his razor-sharp
teeth. He was getting impatient.
Now’s the time to decide. Choose wisely.
Gezora wasn’t moving.
Okay, what the hell?
Godzilla walked up, SHATTERING Gezora with his tail. Gabara,
Jet Jaguar, and Zilla were freed, and joined the King of the
Monsters in celebrating their VICTORY CRY!
INT. SOME GODZILLA FAN ROOM - DAWN
Hobbes squinted at the computer screen. He found himself
nodding in appreciation, silently thanking ‘Gezora’
for not letting his inner-troll prevail. In many ways, Hobbes
felt inspired, and wanted to become a better fan now. Clicking
SUBMIT, Hobbes brought an end to this strange role playing
bout, and went to bed.
With a smile on his face, Hobbes dreamed about monsters, girls,
and the future.
INT. ANOTHER GODZILLA FAN’S ROOM - HALF-WAY ACROSS
After throwing a tantrum for several minutes, he finally
managed to get his internet back up and running. He had to
move fast. Knowing Hobbes, he’d finish the fight without
him, and defeat his Almighty Gezora once and for all. The
thought of losing made him sick. He had an undefeated streak
to uphold! He didn’t know how to lose! He just couldn’t!
Signing on, his eyes quickly skimmed the updated material.
Disaster torpedoed his tiny dreams and frail self-esteem.
NO!!!! NOOOOO!!!!! WHAT KIND OF TWIST ENDING IS THIS?! I'M
THE CONTROLLER OF PLANET-X, DAMN IT! THE CONTROLLER OF PLANET-X!!!
AND MY LIFE IS RUINED!
It really WAS.
Captain Don Frye BREAKS through the window. Sizing Roland
Devlin up, Captain Don Frye SHOVES him into his computer,
BREAKING IT FOREVER. It's FOR THE BEST but the kid WILL NEVER
KNOW THIS. All he'll ever know is PAIN.
Listen kid, there are two things you didn't know about the
Earth. One is me.
For FIVE HOURS DON FRYE BEATS THE CRAP OUT OF ROLAND DEVLIN,
CHANNELING THE ANGER AND FRUSTRATION OF AN ENTIRE FANDOM.
This suddenly makes the ending SO MUCH BETTER. Finally, CAPTAIN
Don Frye SLAPS Devlin through the OTHER window.
EXT. SAME DAMN LOCATION
Please, please!!! Have mercy!!! I was just trying to make
(finishing his famous one liner)
And the other is… physics.
No, you idiot! It's GODZILLA!!!
Roland Devlin is pale. A MONSTROUS SHADOW appears over him.
Looking up, he sees GODZILLA staring down at him. Bracing
for the worst, Roland Devlin curls up into the fetal position.
This must all be some bad dream. Surely this can't really
exist? Any minute now he'll wake up and be free to spend the
rest of his life bitching at other fans, and---STOMP!!!
He was WRONG. This isn't fantasy, this isn't fake. This isn't
This is REAL.