INT. G-FORCE COMMAND CENTER - WE DON'T KNOW IF IT'S NIGHT OR DAY
There is a large TABLE with the TOHO LOGO painted over it. It illuminates brightly as a way of reminding everyone why they are there in the first place.
Sitting at the table are a number of WORTHLESS HUMAN CHARACTERS. Nobody really watches the movies to see any of them ACT. So why they are here is a colossal waste of time for everyone, including YOU -- the reader. So keep reading.
One of these people is COMMANDER ASO, a real asshole. Dude looks like he's always pissed off. That's because he sucks at his job and is ALWAYS pissed off. The others are CAPTAIN FRYE, a hulking demigod from the West; MIKI, a psychic Japanese girl who is really MICKEY MOUSE end disguise; STEPHEN COLBERT, a true American hero.
So we're nothing but Godziller fan puppets?! Is that all we are?!
(we really don't understand what she's saying, because we're still picturing her as a talking mouse)
Ignoring the hot mouse for a second, we need to find where these nerds are, break their bones, and GO RIGHT INTO IT.
Hi, I'm Stephen Colbert. Tonight's guests on the Report are Commander Asshole, Miki Mouse, and Captain Don Frye. America, watch closely as I inform these 'characters' that they don't really exist. Ahem. Characters of Godzilla fame: none of you really exist.
What? What did he say? Did he say we don't exist? We don't exist?
Stop. Repeating. Yourself. Every. Damn. Minute. You always do this! I don't even watch these silly movies, and already I can tell that repeating yourself is ALL you do. And if you do it one more time -- TURN 180 DEGREES!
I'm also pissed off! Do you hear me?! I'm PISSED OFF!!!
Sunofabitch, he just WON'T QUIT!
(still a damn mouse)
No, you're the bitch! Now shut up! Do exactly as you're told! DO YOU HEAR?!
I'm done with this! I'm gonna find this kid and make him MY OPERATION: FINAL WAR.
C-can any-anyone hear me?! This is all a trap!!! We're no-not read-ready for thi-this!!!
Suddenly, the SARADIAN AGENT falls from the ceiling, and PUMPS Miki full of LEAD.
Sunofabitch, it's that SARADIAN AGENT AGAIN!!!
CHAOS ensues as Commander Aso tries chasing the Saradian Agent around the table. Miki is laying over it, with X's over her eyes. Captain Frye is nowhere to be seen.
The CAMERA focuses on Stephen Colbert.
They seem to be taking all this well. That's good enough for my ratings! Okay, enough beating around the bush, who was the greatest leader in the free world by the way, and get straight to the facts. None of you are real. I am. And if I'm real, that's all America needs. That's all the time we have tonight! So good night America and try not to fall asleep by reading this shit!
INT. SOME GODZILLA FAN ROOM - NIGHT (BECAUSE THEY DON'T GO OUT DURING THE DAY TO SOCIALIZE, TOO BUSY WATCHING MONSTERS FIGHTING)
As soon as we ENTER the room, we realize this guy has no life. There are Godzilla posters on every wall. Wait, scratch that. Since I'm too lazy to press the ‘delete' button, I'm just going to keep typing. Where was I? Right. Describing this geek's room. Okay, we can't even see the damn wall because there are so many Godzilla posters everywhere. And there are Godzilla toys on every shelf. There are Godzilla stickers, too. And a surprisingly badass Godzilla arcade system. This brief moment of coolness is purged from our memories the moment we realize the poor sap has a bed shaped like Godzilla's jaws, so he's literally sleeping in Godzilla's mouth every night.
That's what she said.
Wait, who is this? PAN OVER to this NERD at -- where else? -- the computer! He's on some forgotten Godzilla messageboard. He has many ZITS all over his face. They're like volcanoes about to EXPLODE into pus and other gross stuff that keeps girls away. But this NERD needs a name.
Hello, I'm a nerd! To avoid hatemail (thank me later, Anthony), we decided for me to be named Hobbes! The odds of there being a Godzilla fan named Hobbes is extremely unlikely. We hope if the real Hobbes is reading this, he or she is not offended. It's nothing personal.
Anyways, I'm a nerd!
He REALLY is. Hobbes is on a weird Godzilla messageboard, where other nerds congregate for no real specific purpose except to impose their opinions on each other, receive praise from the Ascended Fanboys of the fandom, and get the attention they have never gotten in Real Life.
That's a little harsh.
Yes, it IS. But the truth is harsh. You will no longer understand
anything I'm saying. This is supposed to be all action
damn it. Besides, we need to get on with the story. I need
to hook these esteemed Hollywood producers in like the first
10 pages or they'll throw this script out of their ridiculously
expensive gas guzzling cars.
Hobbes is currently reading a thread about GODZILLA fighting off GALACTUS. He instantly realizes how one-sided this really is because he's a geek and he's obsessive over both famous characters nobody has ever even heard of in parts of the world that matter.
Godzilla would totally cream Galactus, by the way. Just sayin'.
Hobbes types an extremely long post about why and how Godzilla would win. Debating fictional characters duking it out and hating anyone who disagrees with you is serious business. So Hobbes is very good at this. It takes him 5 FREAKING HOURS. But when he CLICKS to submit his post his computer freezes, which is really a SIGN FROM GOD TO STOP RUINING HIS LIFE WITH THIS SHIT. Ignoring the divine signs from above, Hobbes spends the next 5 HOURS writing it all up again with some improved points he didn't think about in the first 5 hours.
This is all incredibly boring so it's time for some ACTION!
Hobbes is TYPING really really really fast. It's because he's in a ROLE PLAYING club. This is the perfect set up I need to unveil my master plan!
Welcome to the KAIJU WAR CHRONICLES SPECIAL ADDITION! You must pray Hobbes grows out of puberty and leaves his Mother's -- uh, what's the current insult to one's coming of ageness? Y'know, what people say to those who aren't taking risks in life, and should seriously go out on their own but won't because today's technologies pretty much makes breeding a huge waste of colossal time?
It's not his Mother's cave. We've evolved and are no longer there.
Nevermind. PRAY Hobbes leaves his Mother's basement! But first prey he is successful in winnning this role playing battle. His opponent has made a wager with the OWNER of the website Toho Kingdom. If HIS TOTALLY AWESOME COOL NON-TOHO CHARACTERS WIN, THEY'LL HAVE THE HONOR OF APPEARING IN THE KAIJU WAR CHRONICLES (THe KWC section of the website, which nobody really reads). Hobbes has carefully selected his team of KWC Alumni. They're all Toho characters and/or DISRIBUTED by Toho. That's another word for Toho taking credit for making these sexy giant beasties. Moving on.
THE ARENA HAS BEEN SET! Let's jump into Hobbes's sick, twisted, testosterone fueled mind and see what he's thinking! We'll try to avoid the sex jokes as much as possible.
EXT. A CITY THAT STRANGLEY RESEMBLES TOKKYO - THIS IS REALLY ALL HAPENIING IN THE DIGITAL WORLD (THIS IS NOT DIGIMON, NONE OF THEM COULD MAKE IT TO THIS)
THOUSANDS of faceless people are running down a street. Many of them have smiles on their faces. This usually pisses the director off but he relents. They've been out here filming all day, he's tired, and wants to go home and play Mario Kart on the Nintendo Wii. Besides, when the city is BEING ATTACKED, it's kinda hard to catch people being AFRAID. People rarely show how afraid they are when there's a camera.
After all, this might go up on Facebook.
GODZILLA stomps on the director, ROARING really loud. Windows SHATTER because it's so loud. Godzilla is a really big radioactive dinosaur. To avoid sounding racist, he's green not black (even though black scales would be cooler looking). There are BIG SPIKES poking out of his back, which must really hurt, explaining why Godzilla is ALWAYS PISSED OFF.
Rawr!!!!! I'm a symbol of human hubris, a monument to all of your sins! Fear and embrace me as your lover!
Nobody does. They're too damn afraid because he's a towering 400 feet monster. Which makes no sense, since he's supposed to be 50 meters which is NOT 400 feet. It's less than that I think.
Godzilla, the KING OF THE MONSTERS, is here to represent the KWC ROSTER. But he can't really find his opponent. Who will it be? It better not be Bagan. That dude is a GOD, a SUPER MONSTER so powerful it usually takes an army of EVERYONE to beat him into submission. These stories are typically written, praised, and criticized by morons.
His oppponent is kinda like him. Only he's made of steel and sings to a flute. It's none other than the Power Ranger green goliath himself, DRAGONZORD! Cue the Power Rangers theme. Why can't I hear it? Is it on i-Tunes? I'm gonna go check. BRB.
It's only 99 cents. Not bad. But with tax, it's a little pushing it. I'll just ask the Old Man to send it to me. He's a really big fan of Power Rangers. Did I mention he's really old? Yep. Disturbing.
GODZILLA punched DragonZord into a building, which CRUMBLES. Damn it, I need to stop typing in past tense. This is a screenplay, which must be in PRESENT TENSE! Godzilla ignores all this by punching DragonZord again! DragonZord counters by pulling Godzilla's FACE into the street! There's debris and asphalt flying EVERYWHERE. Seismic BOOMS are shaking the city.
DragonZord's fingertips become loaded with sharp pointy
missiles. They are FIRED into Godzilla's groin. I've
seen ‘Ghidorah, the Three-Headed Monster' like
a billion times. Godzilla took a shot from Ghidorah's
GRAVITY BOLTS to the groin and it did NOT hurt. Therefore
DragonZord's missiles will only tickle him. Oh my God,
am I really typing this?
Godzilla shrugs all this off somehow... Bear with me.
ROARING, Godzilla TAIL SMACKS DragonZord through several skyscrapers. There's rubble everywhere. This does NOT look like a film set in anyway. These fake looking buildings do not look like miniature buildings. DragonZord SOCKS Godzilla in the face.
(sounding like Tommy the Power Ranger)
You're going down, Godzilla! The NTA/I are going to run WILD OVER YOU@!!
What the frick is a NTA/I?
The Non-Toho Alliance/Invasion. We couldn't agree on the name ending with Alliance or Invasion, so we went with both.
This sounds like a really bad spoof on the WWE/WCW invasion story a couple years ago.
You watch wrestling?!
Godzilla roars ‘NO' by blasting the DragonZord THOUSANDS OF MILES away with his IKABROD (Insta-Killing-Atomic-Breath I can't remember what else it stands for but it's cool and a big nod to the fandom somehow)! DragonZord gets up near Tokyo Tower, really pissed off and damaged.
EXT. INFANT ISLAND - WINTER
MOTHRA LEO wanted to go and SAVE Godzilla's life. But first he must contend with another NTA/I member: GUNDAM! There's really no build up to any of this. Who cares? These two giants are about to duke it out!!!
Note: Gundam has been scaled to match Mothra Leo's size and the sizes of the other Toho monsters.
Mothra Leo unloads with HUNDREDS OF ENERGY BEAMS. Gundam dodges because he's really fast. Mothra LEO ANNIHILATES THE ENVIRONMENT with MORE energy blasts. Gundam dodges it because he's really fast. Mothra Leo SHOOTS MORE ENERGY BEAMS that really pisses the SFX people off for having to get seizures for all thise post-production crap.
Gundam dodges for aforementioned reasons.
This guy I'm debating and role playing against is being really unfair. So I'll have to be unfair too.
Mothra Leo TRANSFORMS INTO HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF TINY GLOWING BUTTERFLY MOTHS. Gundam CAN'T dodge this right away, not all of them. But he does DODGE most. Of the ones he can't dodge, they BURN and ELECTROCUTE his precious metal parts. Gundam pulls out a SOLAR FLARE grenade, which BLINDS Mothra LEO. This is clearly a big rip off of DragonBall Z. But since Gundam is Anime, he can use all Anime character powers.
Because shut up.
EXT. THE PACIFIC OCEAN - MILES ABOVE ATLANTIS
Gamera was just chilling, dreaming about young beautiful
teenage Japanese girls. Who doesn't? But then he's
interrupted by GHASTLY black tentacles (still not being racist).
He's whipped up and TOSSED into the air and SPLASHES
really hard into the Atlantic.
The Disney villain, URSULA, CHUCKLES as she rises out of the sea. There's a lot of bubbles and lightning bolts which makes things very artistic.
You are so cute! I can't wait to chow down on some turtle meat.
Breaking the FOURTH WALL, the cast from MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 APPEAR in the lower RIGHT corner. They are just silouhettes.
If she steals our line, I will personally lead a riot against Disney Land.
“Gamera is really neat, he is made of turtle meat, we've been eating Ga-mer-a!”
I'll get the pitchforks and gasoline.
Gamera answers with a FIREBALL. It's so blistering searing hot it makes Ursula's body BURN! Pissed off, Ursula uses powers she has never shown before. This pisses off quite a few fanboys. Using hydrokinesis, she PUNCHES Gamera with water.
...Why this would actually work against a giant turtle, who loves the water, is confusingly simple. It makes Gamera choke. Somehow he stops CHOKING and claws at her. This doesn't hurt her in the least.
What the hell? Steering a damn ship into Ursula killed her or something. Gamera can at the very least push like 600 tons and survived big explosions.
Meanwhile, on AOL Instant Messenger, the WRITER is discussing this strange crossover battle. His VICE PRESIDENT is not pleased with Ursula's inclusion.
(The Old Man)
It should be Staypuft Marshmallow Man. [Insert poking tongue out smiley.]
Realizing this is true, Ursula is INSTANTLY replaced by the STAYPUFT MARSHMALLOW MAN! This should've been extremely bad for the Staypuft Marshmallow Man. Since he's made of marshmallows and his opponent can shoot blistering balls of hot plasma fireballs. Instead, Gamera settles with just EATING the poor guy.
INT. SKULL ISLAND - TWILIGHT
A fantastically COMPUTER GENERATED CHARACTER RENDERING of King Kong appears. He's in an argument with some gorgeous BLONDE.
Why can't you and I just settle with the fame and fortune we earned? Most filmgoers worship us. Film buffs love us. We shouldn't mix ourselves with those Asian monsters.
Look, I'm in lots of debt, honey. I should've been smart and not buy all those DVD's. With the economical recession, I'm being forced out of retirement, and will do just about anything to make an honest buck.
That's such a load of bull.
You're cute when you try being smart. Let me hold you in my hand.
Before Kong could hold the Blonde in his hand, he is DROPKICKED by THE BIG O, a really BIG ARMED ROBOT piloted by STEVE BLUM.
(from within the Big O cockpit and sounding so-so manly)
Hi. You're a big dirty ape. You and I have a lot in common, except everything about you. I'm gonna make Big O smash you! Then the Big O will be fighting for the KWC for many years to come!
The invasion story has really become exciting. Kong SNARLS
and tries bringing the Big O down. The Big O overpowers the
ape with his superior strength. Realizing he can do more,
the Big O's forehead visor FIRES A PINK PURPLE ENERGY
BEAM. It punches a hole through Kong's chest.
Sucks to be him. For now...
EXT. MONSTER ISLAND - DOES IT REALLY MATTER WHAT TIME OF DAY IT IS ANYMORE?
It's time we introduce the main characters. GABARA, ZILLA, and JET JAGUAR!
It's about damn time we've been introduced. The KWC is being invaded and we're counting on Godzilla, Mothra Leo, Gamera, and King Kong to save us? We're so screwed.
NOTE: ZILLA WAS ABOUT TO SAY SOMETHING COOL BUT MANY PEOPLE IN THE FANDOM STILL HATES HIM FOR BEING IN THE 1998 MOVIE THAT SHALL NOT BE NAMED.
How very astute, Zilla. Yes, it would appear we're in some kind of void. Here the power of our imaginations bend space and time. It's not matter that begets the mind, it's the other way around!
Too bad you're a robot. So this doesn't concern you.
Jet Jaguar's normally awesome grin is turned upside down. This indicates how sad he is.
You didn't need to be a dick about it.
Whatever. It's time to go KICK SOME ASS!
Can I talk now?
The readers haven't really gotten this far. They stopped reading when they got to Zilla. Since the general consensus in the fandom does not favor Zilla, they decided to go burn a whole shelf of GODZILLA ‘98 DVD's. This could've easily been avoided if they had opinions of their own. And if the movie wasn't garbage.
EXT. A CITY THAT STRANGLEY RESEMBLES TOKKYO
Godzilla and DragonZord were BREATHING HEAVILY. They were
been fighting really hard so they're tremendously tyred.
Having enough of this melodrama, DragonZord fires MISSILES
from his fingertips! Godzilla waded through the BALLS OF FIRE
that danced across his body.
Godzilla fires his atomic breath. DragonZord dodges. The atomic breath barely destroys a gas station.
What the skreeonk?
Damn it! It appears to be another inconsistency! Godzilla's atomic breath was stronger in earlier showings. Now it has a bad showing. This might not end well!
What are you talking about?
OMG, are you a newb? Ignoring how Toho doesn't give a crap about how powerful and consistent the mosnters are, we must pay very close attention to how powerful their attacks are. This helps us determine how well they'd do up against monsters they've never fought before! We all must be consistent.
Why? Why does it matter? Why can't I just destroy this MechaGodzilla ripoff?
Godzilla DOESN'T get it. So DragonZord's fingertip missiles TEAR into Godzilla's flesh. This HURTS THE KING OF THE MONSTERS!
Now look what you've done!
HOW IS THIS CONSISTENT?!
DragonZord CLOSELINES godzilla. It looks like the King's days are numbered. Damn that was good.
Suddenly, King Kong, Mothra Leo, and Gamera FALLS into the
city. It RUMBLES. At first it looks like DragonZord is outnumbered
[EVEN THOUGH HE'D TOTALLY BEAT THEM ALL BY HIMSELF BECAUSE
HE IS THAT GOOD). But then The Big O, Ursula, and... and...
IT'S A GUNDAM!!!
All of them are there. Gamera helps Godzilla up. They roar at each other and become friends, kinda like SUPERMAN AND BATMAN. (Who couldn't make it because they were at a convention or something.)
This friendship was destined to fail since Gamera is the friend of all children and Godzilla isn't a child. Oh well.
Wait, didn't I get a beam blasted through me? Shouldn't I be dead?
THE EVIL OVERLORD
No, worm! For that shall be retconned. Scroll up and you'll see it. It's the ‘for now' part. Bet you didn't know why that was there! Now you do!!! HAHAHA! I'm an evil genius.
Who are you?
THE EVIL OVERLORD
Hobbes's internet rival.
THE EVIL OVERLORD
No! I'm not that! Just that! You'll see. What with the big plot twist at the end. DO NOT SKIP TO THE END!
Some people DO. They are LOSERS. But we must wait for them to come bac--
WELCOME BACK! You almost missed an incredibly awesome fight. So get ready!
DragonZord parts litter the battlefield. He had been pulled and ripped apart. See what you missed? Only those who DIDN'T skip ahead and were loyal to keep themselves from being spoiled witnessed how this happened. But he's dead now, much to the Old Man's dismay.
Godzilla holds up DragonZord's head.
Any last words?
Yeah... Where the hell were my allies?!
Nothing personal, dude. Just only one of us getting a chance to compete in the KWC. So it's got to be me.
Hey, man! Let's try to work together first before we go with the Reservoir Dog ending.
That's when the CLOVERFIELD MONSTER (Clover) appears, SUCKER PUNCHES all the Toho monsters down - probably because everywhere where he goes the camera SHAKES so everyone is dizzy in his presence.
What he said! But make no mistake. Y'all are in for a big trainwreck!
Oh Tanaka, don't tell me I'm in Final Wars again!
Time to fight.
Gundam energizes his LIGHT SABER. He slices the air, slicing
bits of King Kong. Kong should've died. He should be
dead dead dead. Machine guns have killed him after all. So
this should kill him dead. But he doesn't die. Instead
he gets really mad, which augments his strength, and he punches
Gundam across the city!
Big O plants his fist into Gamera's gut. Then the iron pistons in his elbows SLAM and ACTIVATE. This sends a torrent of hot, pressurized air into Gamera's torso, punching a hole through it. There's green blood everywhere. Because Gamera bleeds green blood.
INT. SOME GODZILLA FAN ROOM
Hobbes stops typing. He needs to use the restroom. He's
actually had to go for hours. But being on the computer for
so long grants you many great superpowers. One of them allows
you to forget the needs of your body. But now he can't
resist it any longer.
Somewhere across the country, the Evil Overlord waits impatiently at his computer. There's gotta be something he can do. Maybe he'll read up more on the latest Godzilla film? Toho isn't really making it. It's another American movie. Deep down inside, he actually liked the 1998 film. It really wasn't that bad. They were just trying something new. And so what if some fans like it? At least they're fans.
If it weren't for the internet, many Godzilla fans
would feel incredibly lonely. They already are, but damn,
they'd be even more lonely if the internet wasn't
here. And how do they celebrate their delight to meet and
chat with other fans? They argue and act like pompous pricks.
At least the Evil Overlord isn't a prick. It's not like anyone is getting hurt. He realizes right now the imaginary world he and Hobbes are making is frozen in time. Gamera just had his torso blown off. Gamera is frozen in place, feeling nothing but pain. But he's used to it. Too bad he's a weakling. Odds are he'll die soon. What with conventional weapons hurting him...
Who needs Hobbes? The Evil Overlord is a really smart, great writer. He'll continue this without Hobbes. And when Hobbes comes back, he can hop right back in.
Godzilla's dorsal spines energize. Atomic energy sears
out of his gaping maw, VAPORIZING Ursula because Disney SUCKS
AND SHOULD'VE MADE A KAIJU FILM BY NOW WITH PIXAR OR
SOMETHING! The beam SEARS through her charred husk and SEARS
into Big O.
It does no damage.
See what I did there? I acknowledged Godzilla's power, killed one of my characters, and made one of my other characters look badass in comparison. Everbody's happy! Now that's true role playing! That's how it's done.
Meanwhile, Clover was kicking King Kong, Mothra Leo, and Gamera's asses. They keep getting dizzy every time they get close to him. Clover SLAPS Kong through the Empire State Building, which has long been a Japanese landmark.
Godzilla sneaks up from behind and BODY SLAMS Clover into the ground. Godzilla is clearly the most powerful monster on the KWC roster since he's the most famous. Well, King Kong is arguably more famous. But screw him, he got killed by machine guns. But he won't die yet because he's, y'know, The Eighth Wonder of the World! And Godzilla fans hated Kong when they were younger, what with the ape somehow winning in that one movie from the ‘60s. But as they get older, they hopefully come to respect Kong, and acknowledge him as Godzilla's equal. Which he is not. Godzilla is invincible after all, he can't lose!
The Big O started hurting Godzilla really bad with those iron pistons. Tugging at Godzilla's tail, Big O threw Godzilla into a bridge. It crumbled because bridges do that when a really big radioactive dinosaur falls on them.
Ignoring what happened a paragraph ago, Godzilla fires a SUPERCHARGED ATOMIC BREATH! It strikes Gundam, who appeared at the worst time, and it sent him HURTLING into the Moon! The Moon EXPLODES, shaking the Earth a little. Bits of it fall from the sky, causing a bunch of widespread damage. Not even the Gundam could survive that. So much for it going Wing Zero like I originally planned...
Which woul've been kool btw! With that twin buster rifle cannon or whatever it's called, it really would've made huge explosions! I haven't really watched Gundam in years. Had to go see some videos on youtube to recall what they're capable of. Good times. Wasted some of mine though watching them for it to end like this. Gamera can't let the Big O win. So his fist turns into the Plasma Fist! Why? Because the script says so. He's an ancient guardian capable of manifesting and manipulating Earth's Mana. So he can totally get away with this as long as we're seeing Gamera 3 level special effects here. Shoving the Plasma Fist into the Big O, Steve Blum teleports out of harm's way, becaue he's that awesome. The Big O isn't so fortunate. It dies in a fiery explosion that scorches the air.
Gamera absorbs the heat and fire. Becoming stronger and closer to children, whom he is a friend of. His stomach rumbles. That Marshmallow Man really tasted good!
I'm sure you worms are wondering why, I, the Evil Overlord, is allowing this all to happen.
THE EVIL OVERLORD
There, better to use actual dialogue for this. Ahem. While Hobbes is still going to the bathroom (Christ, it's been like what? 2 minutes?), I've decided to set things up for your KWC heroes. They're in for a downer ending! HAHAHAHAHA!!! Not that I'm spoiling my twist ending or anything.
Clover backed away. Kong tried jumping at him. But Clover overpowered him with his superior strength. We know he's strong because he pushed down a skyscraper. It was off-camera but so what? Besides, he's bigger than Kong, therefore making him stronger.
Gee, I really hope there will be a thunderstorm! That plot device would be really convenient right about now.
Mothra Leo unloads MORE SHINY BEAMS, SOME HE'S NEVER SHOWN BEFORE BUT ONLY NOW IS HE PULLING ‘EM OUT OF HIS... You know... And BLASTING Clover with it. Clover survived conventional weapons just fine and apparently survived the Mother of all explosions in the end. It was off-camera but I consider this a valid showing of durability on Clover's part. So he survives this unscathed.
Godzilla, somehow ignoring Clover's dizzyness aura, CAVES CLOVER'S face in with a NUCLEAR PUNCH! Clover starts CRYING.
Seriously? You're crying?!
Mommy!!!! Mommy!!! Mommy, that big mean man hurt me!
Mommy?! You're a kid?!
He IS. But whose kid is he? That's when everything becomes even more DIZZY. Descending from the heavens or hells or the void of insanity, is the Old One... CTHULHU!
$%^$#% #%(*^&&*@ 2 #$@#%^$% @$@!
Leave my daughter alone!
Godzilla stumbles. Cthulhu's presence disorientated
him greatly. Fighting the urge to puke, Godzilla fires an
atomic blast. This one was somewhere between blowing up a
taxi and torching a city bus. Regardless, it wouldn't
have hurt Cthulhu because he's beyond our comprehension.
UNSEEN NEW FIGHTER
Cthulhu, leave the atomic saurian to me! You can feast on the souls of the others! Godzilla's mine.
Godzilla searches for his new foe. Cthulhu even lifts his paranoia aura, helping Godzilla relax. Marching to him was a powerful being. Light glinted off its purple armor. It looked really ripped, fast, and strong.
Oh come on! Why are we even doing this? I've read this script in advance. I know how it all ends and you're not..
Why the hell am I even talking? Monsters can't talk!
(inside Evangelion's spinal cockpit)
Imustn'trunaway! Imustn'trunaway! I. MUST. NOT. RUN. AWAY!!!!
...Oh, I'm really going to enjoy this.
Many years ago, on a Godzilla messageboard that has long been forgotten, there was a legendary flame war. Many fans were divided. Who'd win? Godzilla or Evangelion? At the time it was really hard getting screen captures to prove a point. And most people really didn't watch these kind've things to find out for themselves. That's what made it legendary! Nobody really knew what they were talking about. It was a huge 200 page flame war. Bloody marvelous.
But everyone agreed Shinji Ikari is one of the most annoying Anime characters ever. Which says a lot.
THE EVIL OVERLORD
He's actually misunderstood. Most of the people who bash him wouldn't be able to do even a fraction of the things he's done. And that's really the point. He's not meant to be a hero. He's meant to be, err, like you.
The readers start HATING this script. But they quickly forget the jab against them because they either don't know what the hell all that was about or because a huge awesome battle is happening now!
Godzilla and Evangelion meet in an epic battle. Buildings are leveled. Skies are blown away. The ozone layer is disintegrated because of Global Warming. DUDE! Let's not go there right now. Anyway, Godzilla fires his atomic breath, which burns Evangelion's armor. The Evangelion can survive nukes without sustaining any damage, so Godzilla must be really strong right now. Evangelion answers by punching Godzilla's jaw so hard, his teeth crack and fall out.
It's gotten really bloody and epic. Evangelion fires one of his eye beams, which misses Godzilla, and KILLS Mothra Leo! Because Evangelion can do this. Just go and see the new movie. It's made of win.
Gamera and King Kong are pissed. Now they have to fight Cthulhu alone. Cthulhu is beyond their comprehension, so they can't really hurt him much.
I'm surprised I'm even saying anything here. Godzilla and Evangelion are fighting? How cool is that? Shouldn't that be the focus of this? Shouldn't that be the finale?
It WON'T be.
This sucks. Why is Cthulhi this powerful anyway?
Because he's beyond our comprehension.
Running a ship into its mouth hurts him. I'm pretty sure we can take him.
No. You can't. He's beyond your comprehension. And he can drive you insane by looking at you! He's from a dimension with shapes you've never seen, sounds you've never heard, and colors you've never seen.
But he's only driven people from, what, the 1920's, insane? These people would've gone paranoid if they saw Lady Gaga. So I'd say we're overqualified.
Cthulhi is beyond your comprehension. You're drowning in your own saliva by looking at him, which you can't do, since he's beyond your comprehension.
He really hasn't done ANYTHING! It's all hyperbole! I'm finishing this.
Kong tries finishing it. Cthulhu spanks him for being beneath his comprehension.
Godzilla fires his atomic breath. Evangelion blocks it with his AT-Field. The two wrestle for a bit, rolling across the Tokyyo streets, and demolishing buildings.
Why are we not seriously hurting each other? One of us should be dead by now.
I mustn'trunaway! I mustn'trunaway! Imustn'trunaway!!!!
Damn it! I don't want to talk to you!
Sorry ‘bout that. He does get on my nerves. Anyway, to answer your querry, we're stalemating so we don't hurt anyone's feelings. We're both beloved by like millions of fans the world over. So we want everyone to be happy.
Dude... There are only like, what? 15 people reading this thing?
Oh? Well, in that case...
In a huge impact crater, Evangelion walks out. Cthulhu compliments Evangelion by giving him a high-five. But they both GASP when Godzilla, Gamera, and King Kong are seen standing at the center when the smoke clears. They are fine.
THE EVIL OVERLORD
Wait, wait, wait!!! I didn't type this?! How did they survive?!
I'm back btw. Oh, and Godzilla survived like two nukes in Final Wars. He's survived volcanic eruptions, too. Walked out of ‘em like twice.
THE EVIL OVERLORD
Damn it. Okay, but what about Gamera?
Sendai explosion. The Legion Flower thing.
THE EVIL OVERLORD
That shouldn't count.
It does and it did. Can't change anything. Rules.
THE EVIL OVERLORD
Argh! Well, how about King Kong? He's never survived anything like that!
Convenient electrical storm.
THE EVIL OVERLORD
(immitating Christian Bale)
With an ELECTRICAL PUNCH, Gabara punched Evangelion into
what was left of the Moon, which demolished everything else.
But he wasn't alone! Jet Jaguar and Zilla stormed the
NTA/I! Jet Jaguar confronted Cthulhu. Zilla challenged Clover.
Gabara waited for Evangelion to return.
Cthulhu was beyond our comprehension. But nothing is beyond our comprehension if we're really, really big! Jet Jaguar increased his size. He was now big enough to stomp a huge hole into the city. So he starts STOMPING away at Cthulhu, which hurts him in ways beyond our comprehension! Zilla TACKLES Clover to the ground, chomping at his neck. But Clover is so much stronger. Zilla only put a huge hole through a building. Clover pushed one down off-camera. So with his off-camera strength, Clover threw the oversized iguana into the Eifel Tower, a recent addition to Tokyyo's legacy. Angelic glowing white wings stretched out of Evangelion's back. He flew back to Tokyyo from outer space, slamming his fist into Gabara's face. With his strength and the added velocity and momentum behind his punch, the shockwaves disemboweling the area. Gabara was fine. The red-headed ogre jabbed Evangelion in the gut, bringing him to his knees. Charging up his fist, Gabara PUNCHED Evangelion so hard it was sent flying into the horizon.
A few seconds passed.
Gabara turned around and caught Evangelion in the opposite direction! Gabara had hit him so hard Evangelion was punched across the planet!!!! Gabara decided to one up that impressive showing by punching Evangelion through the Earth's crust!!!! Evangelion went ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE EARTH AND SOMEHOW ENDED UP FALLING FROM THE SKY. Evangelion's back landed on Gabara's knee.
What the hell?!
As Evangelion complains about Gabara's omnipotence, Clover is PUMMELING Zilla to death.
I know what you think of me. And I don't care! I'm what the fans really wanted! I'm what you should've been!
That makes no sense! Ack! Think about it!
What's there to think?
You're not even Godzilla! I know I'm not! That's why there was this cool cartoon series about me. I became a badass! Why must fans continue to dwell on the live-action movie?! And it's quite hypocritical of them to like you more than me for those reasons.
Clover SMASHES Zilla hundreds of feet into the Earth. Zilla COUGHS up blood.
Fans need a reason to hate us. They secretly hate me because they wanted more of me. They hated you because you were a different take on a beloved character. You're also a pussy.
Clover attempts to shatter Zilla's skull. Zilla CATCHES Clover's fist and squeezes it so hard, the BONES SNAP! Clover CRIES!
You're going to regret that.
Zilla's spines and eyes glowed brightly. Thermonuclear flames SHOT out of his mouth, blasting Clover into the sky. Clover's sizzling, flayed body fell into the Statue of Liberty, another new landmark in Tokyyo. Zilla pounced on the fried Crustaceous Rex/Orga love child, savagely tearing it apart with his teeth and claws.
Please, stop!!! PLEASE!!!!
NOW WHO'S THE WEAKLING??!?!?! HUH?!?! ANSWER ME, CLOVER!!!
Clover? My name's really Jeffery Jacob. Friends call me Abrams for short.
Zilla KILLS Clover with his thermonuclear breath, incinerating him off-camera.
In the larger impact crater, one of many now, Godzilla snorts in boredom.
Are we really going to just wait here and let them win this for us?
Yes, yes we are and will.
Makes no sense to me, too. But hey, at least it's entertaining. Anyone wonder why most of these guys were giant robots from Anime shows?
(ignoring Kong's observation)
We're being outclassed and outdone by Gabara.
Gamera and King Kong exchange glances. They suddenly feel very pathetic and helpless.
Cthulhu, seeing his daughter dead, overpowers Jet Jaguar with his incomprehensible Old One powers. Jet Jaguar is stricken by this sudden development. If getting bigger isn't the answer, then what is?
(light bulb appearing above his head)
I have an idea!
Shrinking down to the atomic universe, Jet Jaguar managed to find a loophole in Cthulhu's incomprehensible contract clause. At the atomic level, Cthulhu wasn't that difficult to comprehend. So Jet Jaguar started beating the unholy crap out of Cthulhu's atoms, hurting the Old One very much. But Jet Jaguar got ahead of himself. He started thinking about how he could shrink his own atoms this small, making ‘em vastly smaller than what atoms really are and...
This somehow triggered a massive explosion. It destroyed Cthulhu and wiped out Tokyyo. But it was sudddenly rebuilt by the next scene.
INT. THE NEXT SCENE IN TOKYYO
Growing up back to his normal gigantic size, Jet Jaguar looked like he only received a tan. He and a bloodlusted Zilla helped Gabara confront Evangelion.
How the hell am I supposed to win now?
Okay, I'm ready to fight. Berserk time.
Evangelion's eyes glowed red. His AT-Field reached critical mass. He met Gabara, Zilla, and Jet Jaguar in mortal combat. They all moved like gigantic blurs. They were moving so fast, it was almost as if they were copying DragonBall Z again.
This is getting ridiculous.
Yep. Godzilla, don't you think you should end this with your magnetic powers?
Oh, right! I can do that, technically. I almost forgot. Hang on, gotta channel my inner Gandalf.
Godzilla brought up his hands and magnetically shutdown Evangelion's systems, making this a really anticlimactic ending.
Suddenly, ENERGY BEAMS vaporized Gamera and King Kong instantly. TELEKINESIS restrained Godzilla, Jet Jaguar, Gabara, and Zilla. Descending from a white void, a really chubby Godzilla fan dressed up like the Controller of Planet-X floated down. Realizing he was using his actual description, he quickly transformed into the most powerful, evil being of all time.
Yes, worms!!! It is I, the Evil Overlord! And I have come to finish this personally by integrating myself into this digital warfare!
Liar! You liar!!!!
I was supposed to win this!!! You, the Evil Overlord, didn't keep your promise!!! You promised me I'd fight in the KWC!
Dick move dude. Dick move.
I'm starting to like this guy.
Look, we're probably confusing our readers here by having three characters starting with the letter ‘G' talking back and forth. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about. I'm a screenwriter.
As for you, I did keep my promise. You just DID fight in the KWC. I didn't say it'd be permanent.
Then what was the point of this?!
Christ, I missed Shinji.
With the wave of his tentacle, Gezora erased Evangelion from existence. Godzilla's mouth drops to the floor. Jet Jaguar helps him pick it back up.
He did have a point. This invasion was all for naught. Why waste our time? You've been power-playing all this time, acting like a god. Why drag all this on if you knew what was going to happen?
A God I am.
You're some unemployed fanboy!
No, I'm Gezora. I'm a monster. Says so on the tin. Besides, don't you think you're taking this a bit too seriously? For a fan, you sure seem to hate what you love.
There's nothing wrong with role playing. There's nothing wrong with fantasy fights. There's nothing wrong with disagreeing with one another. There's nothing wrong with liking a movie others hate. All of that is fine.
But what you're doing is pathetic. You're destroying what you love. What else could you be doing right now?
Winning the lottery.
Guys, we should stop. We've become what we're trying to speak out against. We're not dealing with your average fanboy here.
You're right. He's worse.
Oh crap, he's a troll!
Gezora's eyes turned blood red. Gabara, Jet Jaguar, and Zilla were pinned to the ground. Their bodies were being crushed by an unseen, omnipotent force.
I'm not going to let you win, Hobbes! Not this time! Today, I will make something of my reputation on the internet.
Godzilla STOMPED in Gezora's direction. Rage and hate flooded Godzilla's feral eyes and atomic veins. The King of the Monsters stopped and waited. It was a challenge, one Gezora would have no choice but to answer.
Calvin wants his stuffed cat back, bitch!
Shut up and listen to me!!! Can you really kill Godzilla? He's your hero. You love him. Can you really destroy what you love?
Gezora didn't move. It didn't move. It didn't say anything. Godzilla curled his upper lip, bearing his razor-sharp teeth. He was getting impatient.
Now's the time to decide. Choose wisely.
Gezora wasn't moving.
Okay, what the hell?
Godzilla walked up, SHATTERING Gezora with his tail. Gabara, Jet Jaguar, and Zilla were freed, and joined the King of the Monsters in celebrating their VICTORY CRY!
INT. SOME GODZILLA FAN ROOM - DAWN
Hobbes squinted at the computer screen. He found himself
nodding in appreciation, silently thanking ‘Gezora'
for not letting his inner-troll prevail. In many ways, Hobbes
felt inspired, and wanted to become a better fan now. Clicking
SUBMIT, Hobbes brought an end to this strange role playing
bout, and went to bed.
With a smile on his face, Hobbes dreamed about monsters, girls, and the future.
INT. ANOTHER GODZILLA FAN'S ROOM - HALF-WAY ACROSS THE COUNTRY
After throwing a tantrum for several minutes, he finally
managed to get his internet back up and running. He had to
move fast. Knowing Hobbes, he'd finish the fight without
him, and defeat his Almighty Gezora once and for all. The
thought of losing made him sick. He had an undefeated streak
to uphold! He didn't know how to lose! He just couldn't!
Signing on, his eyes quickly skimmed the updated material. Disaster torpedoed his tiny dreams and frail self-esteem.
NO!!!! NOOOOO!!!!! WHAT KIND OF TWIST ENDING IS THIS?! I'M THE CONTROLLER OF PLANET-X, DAMN IT! THE CONTROLLER OF PLANET-X!!! AND MY LIFE IS RUINED!
It really WAS.
Captain Don Frye BREAKS through the window. Sizing Roland Devlin up, Captain Don Frye SHOVES him into his computer, BREAKING IT FOREVER. It's FOR THE BEST but the kid WILL NEVER KNOW THIS. All he'll ever know is PAIN.
Listen kid, there are two things you didn't know about the Earth. One is me.
For FIVE HOURS DON FRYE BEATS THE CRAP OUT OF ROLAND DEVLIN, CHANNELING THE ANGER AND FRUSTRATION OF AN ENTIRE FANDOM. This suddenly makes the ending SO MUCH BETTER. Finally, CAPTAIN Don Frye SLAPS Devlin through the OTHER window.
EXT. SAME DAMN LOCATION
Please, please!!! Have mercy!!! I was just trying to make things right!!!
(finishing his famous one liner)
And the other is… physics.
No, you idiot! It's GODZILLA!!!
Roland Devlin is pale. A MONSTROUS SHADOW appears over him. Looking up, he sees GODZILLA staring down at him. Bracing for the worst, Roland Devlin curls up into the fetal position. This must all be some bad dream. Surely this can't really exist? Any minute now he'll wake up and be free to spend the rest of his life bitching at other fans, and---STOMP!!!
He was WRONG. This isn't fantasy, this isn't fake. This isn't make-believe.
This is REAL.